My first interactive fantasy story

[Master Pelle]

Hello there! I'm pretty new on writing interactive story and I started to learn it pretty quickly. I have recently started a new story that take place in fantasy world and the hero is a barbaren that call himself Trugan Barbaren.

I have only made two thread now but I will try add more threads. I will try to add more actions and females who are wearing in very sexy and skimpy outfit. And expecting some real naughty action

And also I like to her your suggestion about it or you like to helping me out the story.

Here is the link to my story Trugan Barbaren's Adventure
http://www.chyoo.com:81/index.php/main.story.cover/2815

 

[fanficnut]

welcome to chyoo

 

[jakelyon]

Glad to see you adding to Chyoo, the more the merrier in terms of making this a better site You asked for feed back so I am going to deliver it. I hope you do not find my comments too blunt as I really like the idea of your story, and enjoy fantasy so I would like to be able to add to it.

First the spelling is pretty bad. I am a bad speller and I use a program I down loaded from ieSpell to check my poor spelling if I am not using MS Word. For instance I am assuming that you meant the title of the story to be spelled Barbarian, not Barbaren's.

I think your introductory thread should be longer and more descriptive of the main character, his background, and the places you want him to visit. The initial thread is too short to really get a feel for the character.

I don't understand how you have used the linking feature. It seems circular, and does not really add to the story line.

lastly you have listed the story as a 2nd person story and then written it in 3rd person. I am assuming you want third person so I would update the story summary if I was you.

Again I would love to add to the story if you can tighten it up a little technically, and give me a little more background.

Thanks.

 

[Master Pelle]

I know that my english spelling and grammar is pretty bad. And also I'm still working on adding new threads to it.

I don't know real what 2nd person story is, I assume that you simple concentrate on specific character in 3nd view.

I have notice that I have write pretty short and I will try to make it little more longer.

Oh yeah, thank for linking to site with spellchecker, I will start using it.

 

[jakelyon]

I am impressed that you are even trying to write in a 2nd language. I took French for four years and I could not write in French if my life depended on it.

Try the spell checker that I suggested, it is really easy to use and catches most of the really bad stuff. As I said I am a horrible speller so I know how it feels.

The POV's are not too tough. There used to be a nice summary of which was which on the site, but I don't know where it is now. Here is a quick summary of how to tell which is which...

1st person uses personal pronouns like I, we, me, myself

2nd person is you and yours

3rd person is he, she, they,

So 1st person "I fucked her hard with my big cock"

2nd person "You fuck her hard with your massive prick"

3rd person "He mounted her and fucked her in the ass with his giant cock."

I am no expert in English either by any means but that is how I understand and use the different POV's.

I look forward to adding to your story.

 

[Zingiber]

Welcome, Master Pelle!

2nd person seems to go best together with present-tense verbs (as in jakelyon 's example), and with the option for filling in the main character's name.

Like: "She takes you in her arms and whispers, "Take me, {FIRST_NAME}!""

It's a less natural writing style for me, but sometimes it seems to work well (AaronWebster 's A Middle Class Orgy, for example).

-Z