My first Haiku?

[Zhuk]

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[JUDO]

4
7
5
Syllables

 

[WickedEve]

"some American poets advocate writing in 3-5-3 syllables or 2-3-2 accented beats. While rigid structuring can be accomplished in 5-7-5 haiku"

And we've learned from threads here to use the least amount of syllables possible. And haiku traditionally deals with a nature theme.

Despite all that and my limited knowledge of haiku rules (because there are so many!) I still like your haiku, Zhuk

 

[HomerPindar]

glimpse of Brahman
children laugh and play
maya leads away

Senryu, not haiku. Haiku's traditionally (and theres ALOT of tradition to both of these forms) deal with nature, as WE noted. Senryu's focus on human nature, or interactions. Such as your poem here Zhuk.

Also, the syllable counts are a tradition held over from the initial translation of the Renga (from which both Haikus and Senryus are taken) which noted a "count of sounds" (this is the best way to understand the translation, or so I've been told). This translated as a count of syllables. If effect though, this isn't the case, and there's no need to count anything.

One poetry instruction I had on this form suggested to ideas/images/sensations are brought together in the third line:

large spider
broken glass
arachnaphobia

In this case the first image, spider, and second image, broken glass, are seperate with no appearent relation. The third line therefore explains the relation. In haiku's a sense of what the image makes one feels is often expected, but then, you can also write stuff with more humor than that.

HomerPindar

 

[Zhuk]

Thanks - Explanation - Revision

Thank you Zhuk, Judo, Wicked Eve and Homer Pindar for your comments and suggestions.

Zhuk,

Thank you for sharing your wonderful Haiku with us.

Judo,

Point taken - I had originally written it this way:

This I think had 5-7-5 but I removed 'the', as to me it didnt seem necessary. I changed 'darshan' to 'glimpse' even though darshan has much deeper and wider meaning because not many people would have known its meaning. Now I have confirmed that most bigger dictionaries carry this word.

Wicked Eve,

Thank you for liking my first try. Yes I have read that Haiku deals with the nature theme, I had thought (seems wrongly) that 'children laugh and play' will imply a garden.

Homer Pindar,

I will take Senryu though I dont know what it is. Is the above revision making it lean towards Haiku? Agree with you about it being connected to human nature, but there was some nature involved at least in my mind

To all - Out of the above three which is the better version? Please help.

Regards

 

[HomerPindar]

Senryu bascally means haiku with a focus on people and not nature, as I understand it (I dont consider myself a master of this form by any stretch).

I still think it's a focus on the people, the garden places the children, but is not the focus of the line (IMnsHO).

Better? defined as...?

HomerPindar

 

[Senna Jawa]

Re: Thanks - Explanation - Revision

[...]Thank you for liking my first try. Yes I have read that Haiku deals with the nature theme, I had thought (seems wrongly) that 'children laugh and play' will imply a garden.

So now I revise it as follows:

darshan of the Brahman
in garden children play
maya leads away

Homer Pindar,

I will take Senryu though I dont know what it is.[...]

Nature in haiku (actually in the main road poetry) is not just a formal requirement. It is at the core of haiku and poetry. It reflects the believe and philosophy that man is but a small speckle of Nature. Sticking a botanical or zoological item into a text won't do. The Nature approach to art translates artistically into invoking human emotions via Nature (never by talk-talk). In short, that's what poetry is about.

Forget the persitent nonsense about the difference between haiku and senryu, that supposedly haiku is about Nature and senryu is about human relations. Both are about both. Senryu is just a mean spirited haiku, that's all. When you need to quote someone on this, quote Senna Jawa (Wlodzimierz Holsztynski).

Best regards,

 

[Zhuk]

Homer Pindar & Senna Jawa

Thanks to both of you I think I understand a lot more and today I realise that there are some types of understandings that do not necessarily lead to clarity.

Homer Pindar, when I asked which version is better, I meant it as a poem and not as Haiku or Senryu.

Senna Jawa I can quote Senna Jawa but will have great difficulty both spelling and pronouncing your other name. But I take your word for it that you know what you are talking about. By the way, of my 3 versions which do you dislike the least?

Regards

Zhuk

 

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[Lord Wolf]

Haiku

Frankly guys, I'm impressed. The one form I've never been able to do is Haiku.

So this thread is truly humbling.

I'm posted in the stories section and I ran some first drafts of poems in there, some serious, some not so. But Haiku is another matter altogether.

 

[Killswitch]

My Poetry rhymes
Why dont your's I said five times
Mine do, so deal




I dont know whether thats Senryu, or Haiku.
My first experience with this type of poetry was while hearing a haiku budweiser commercial on the radio.
But hey....I was drinking coffee and smoking a cigar at the time!!!

I would have snapped my fingers repeatedly if I was'nt trying to outrun the police in my car!!! Heh

It would seem to me that the only rule to poety is....There are no rules.

Killswitch

 

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[Rybka]

Sleet Storm

Redbreast in tree
eating frozen berries
dream of spring


Regards,                       Rybka