My first ever contest submission, love some feedback

[NoviceAspen]

https://literotica.com/s/the-hotel-guests-and-the-blindfold

Told in the first person, perspective is a BBW in consensual bondage, shared by her husband with a group of strangers.

This was my first ever contest submission (for Nude Day 2024). I’m late to the party so I don’t expect to win anything but I would love feedback so I know what to work on next time.

It is heavy on the internal monologue - everything she is thinking and feeling. This part represents me a lot, I have ADHD and my brain never shuts up. I’m wondering if that appeals to people?

 

[TheRedChamber]

First of all, theres a lot of good things to enjoy about this story. Whatever criticism I get into below, fundamentally this was one of the better BDSM stories I've read on here for a good while. A lot of what follows is going to be personal opinion rather than anything objectively wrong with the story. Some points...

- You start with a nice hook - the itchy bandana and then flashback to the start of the story. But then you start infodumping in a way that made me a little worried ('Let me tell you a little more about it' is a phrase that seldom bodes well) You have a big fat paragraph of physical description followed by a list of what went on at the first three encounters. Long enough to be distracting from 'today's' action, but not long enough to be erotic in their own right.
- But then things get markedly better. There's a nice section of travelling blindfold followed by a good build-up of 'not knowing what the hell is going on'. This works well because you have the husband and guests mess with her, she gets some clues but not enough. It's good. A lot of the BDSM stories which are just 'what happened at one session' sometimes don't work well because it's just a list of things done to an objectified someone. This one keeps a nice balance of discomfort and unease mixed with pleasure and comfort.
- I was going to pick you up on your code names. Velma suggests a certain type of girl who is completely not the person in the story, at least physically. In practice though, these code names are seldom used.
- There's a thing in the first section about physique being less important than the experience - which sets a tone of a BBW story. But then later when she's getting fucked we're back to 'fat slut' again. Either approach is fine, humiliation is part of BDSM, but I felt the first section was a reassurance to the reader about the way you were going to approach it and then you kind of broke it later on.
- In theory, I liked the idea of her watching the video a month later and finding out what really went on. In practice though, nothing really surprised me - it turned out that the guy asking her to take his big black cock was a black guy with a big cock, and so on. I could go back and revisualize some of the action with the new information, but, by that point I felt the story was over.
- There's also some religious soul-searching stuff at the end but I'd say that it's a bit supurflous as its not really build into the story organically. (We don't really know enough about the MC outside of the session to really care. I don't think we're even told that they have kids until the last page, for example).
- I'd argue that the sex becomes less interesting as the story goes on. There's a nice aftercare bit, but basically once you hit ass-fucking then, it just becomes an ass-fucking. The mystery that worked so well in the build up is gone.
- There's an argument to be made that you've got to many characters. Nine for a single sex scene and 11k words is a lot. Obviously it's part of the fantasy but its too many to reasonably keep track of or do justice to, although that could also be part of the point.

To repeat what I said earlier. I enjoyed it. I don't think it is necessarily a great fit for the competition (full disclosure - I'm also taking part) and I think you may get downvoted a bit for the mid-section water-sports (not by me though, it's a shared kink) but it's a good story nevertheless.

 

[NoviceAspen]

I appreciate your feedback. Info-dumping is one of my neuro-spicy habits, I will keep an eye out for that.

If you didn’t pick up on the fact that they had kids until the end, that shows that I information overloaded the beginning. because. It was mentioned in the description of them as a couple and talks about them dropping the kids off with grandma before getting on the road. I also mentioned the religious upbringing and guilt/shame stuff in that first info-dump.

Thanks again for taking the time to read and review!