MY first erotic story

[pussylover24]

Hi all,

If you have a little time to spare, please take a look at my first erotic story
Fantasy ch.1

There will be more chapters soon...


cheers

 

[Guest]

The second paragraph is fucked.

(hit the "back button")

 

[CharleyH]

As I seem to be saying a lot lately, CV is a thread disease, don't pay any attention to it.

Your story is a start, and I am guessing since you are posting here that you want feedback, so . . .

First off, Lit does have many editors who would be able to help you overcome grammatical errors, and I found a lot of them. I understand that your first language might not be English, and so this puts greater emphasis, for me, on the need for an editor. I am English, and I can always benefit from an editor. Second, you could use more description to pad the story. Currently it reads like a film script, left for the reader to interpret. What you want to do is give the reader a vision to see, smell, taste, hear and feel, especially because you start by telling a sex scene. Instead of telling, keep in mind that you need to show the reader. What is clear in your mind, does not translate into clarity for a reader unless you show him/her what is in your mind. I will use the first few paragraphs as an example, and I am hoping the breakdown will help you.

Overall, I would exchange the order of paragraphs 1 and 2 because there is no context for paragraph 1 without paragraph 2, then I would merge them, and expand:

I take you to the big window facing the sea and move behind you and I put your hands pressing against the window. In a hotel room in seaside town in front of the beach. it's windy and cold outside and no one is walking. The sea is agitated and strong.

1. I take you

You need to add colour and action. How do you take her to the window? Do you lead her? Push her? Carry her? Do you kiss her beforehand? What does the room look like, can you smell it or smell her? Are your hands on her? How does she look at you? What does she look like? These are questions I want to know.

2. to the big window

Describe the window. I don’t feel it’s enough to say big. Does it stretch vertically? Horizontally? Is it clean? Dirty? Are their drapes? Are they pulled open?

3. the sea

At the window you can describe what you see. If the reader see’s it, then you don’t need to say that you are facing it. Example: The sea . . . is what? You say agitated and strong. Personification seems out of place here. Sea is also general in my opinion unless it is specific, and therefore it’s hard for me to envision. Lake, pond, ocean, bay can all immediately give a picture. Why not describe the waves, the sky instead of saying windy and cold. Perhaps even the season might be appropriate here. Example (note not perfect): Agitated waves hammered the (sandy?rocky? what kind of sand or rock?) empty (no one is there) beach.

4. I put your hands pressing against the window

How do you put her hands, once you have her at the window? Put is not enough. Where are your hands, what do you do to get her hands on the window, do her hands press lightly? Hard? Is she so close that her breath clouds the window?

5. from behind I start to take your skirt and then your panties. I start licking your ass and reaching with my hands from between your legs and start playing with your clit.

Whenever I write a sex scene, I think about what I am doing. If I take off a shirt and panties, I stop and picture how I would do that. How would you do that? and how did you get to licking her ass. I’m pretty sure that your hands must have spread her cheeks if she is standing. Do you play with her clit? Well, how? Softly, roughly? Think of where your body is in relation to hers and what can you do from that position.

Anyhow, just a few brief pointers that I hope benefit your writing. Keep plugging away – – so to speak.

 

[pussylover24]

Hey!!

Thanks a lot by your comments!!
This first started as an email exchange that turned into a chapter for a story.

I guess it was good enough for an email but you showed me it requires quite some work to make it reasonable.

regards