My first effort. A critique please?

[Feelin' Naughty]

I have posted my first attempts at fiction writing and would love to get feedback from 'real' authors. I know I have a lot to learn and wish to take my lessons from the best.

Thanks in advance, FN

A Letter To My Husband chapter 1

A Letter To My Husband chapter 2

 

[KillerMuffin]

Just one word of advice.

Quit writing in second person.

As we start to pull out of the drive a woman comes running up to the car and waves you down. You stop of course to see what she needs and she says, "My date left me here, could you please give me a ride?"

The bold word usually represents an instant back click for the average reader. I know it does for me. I don't like to be told what I'm doing, what I'm feeling, how I'm reacting, and worse, what I love to do with my cock. I don't have a cock.

Second person alienates half of your audience right off the bat. We don't all have the proper parts to be "you." Then it procedes to alienate a lot more of it because they just don't feel very comfortable placed as "you." Mostly because "you" behaves in ways that they don't.

Then you've got this problem: "You love the way it feels too, you start moving your hips to penetrate me deeper, sucking and licking her like a man that is starved."

And you know this how? You can't have this kind of omniscience in second person. If you want to discuss how another character feels, you need to write in that character's POV.


This has nothing to do with your writing abilities, your story telling abilities, or the story itself. All it has to do with is the medium you chose to present the story in.

 

[Never]

My memory must be fading. I could have sworn that Killer wrote a story in second person.

 

[Don K Dyck]

I have posted my first attempts at fiction writing and would love to get feedback from 'real' authors. I know I have a lot to learn and wish to take my lessons from the best.

Thanks in advance, FN

A Letter To My Husband chapter 1

A Letter To My Husband chapter 2

Hi Naughty, Your story has a nice personal touch about it. Did you intend persons other than your old man to read it?

You have written a lot of yourself into this story, was that intended?

Development ideas could include a graphic description of what it felt like to be doing all the good things. I have found such description difficult because I enjoy it too much to bother working out exactly how I feel, or, how I would describe it. And afterwards, well . . .

The construction was good, I thought. You defined the area and components, more could be done, but then, when is it too much.

Thank you for sharing your story with us.

Don

 

[Don K Dyck]

Smiles are Contagious

My memory must be fading. I could have sworn that Killer wrote a story in second person.

Hi, Never, how are you doing?

Have you ever considered playing at being happy? You know, a smile improves your face value.

 

[NoJo]

Never Happy

Never, just ignore Don .
If I were either one of the people in your AV, I'd be really happy. So whichever one you are, keep gritting them teeth.

 

[Feelin' Naughty]

Hello KillerMuffin

First let me say that I am honored to have you as my first critic. I admire your straight-forwardness and value your advice.

Just one word of advice.

Quit writing in second person.
This story was in the form of a letter. A peek into a couple's fantasies, written from the woman's point of view. I understand what you are saying, but I didn't know of another way to write this other than second person.



The bold word usually represents an instant back click for the average reader. I know it does for me. I don't like to be told what I'm doing, what I'm feeling, how I'm reacting, and worse, what I love to do with my cock. I don't have a cock.

Second person alienates half of your audience right off the bat. We don't all have the proper parts to be "you." Then it procedes to alienate a lot more of it because they just don't feel very comfortable placed as "you." Mostly because "you" behaves in ways that they don't.

Then you've got this problem: "You love the way it feels too, you start moving your hips to penetrate me deeper, sucking and licking her like a man that is starved."
Hmmmm, what if I had added 'must' to this line? "you must love the way it feels, you begin moving your hips penetrating deeper"

And you know this how? You can't have this kind of omniscience in second person. If you want to discuss how another character feels, you need to write in that character's POV.
Believe me I will, I found writing in second person very difficult. As you say, I cannot know how they feel.


This has nothing to do with your writing abilities, your story telling abilities, or the story itself. All it has to do with is the medium you chose to present the story in.
I thank you for your advice KM, I will heed it as I work on my next story.

 

[Feelin' Naughty]

Hi Don

Hi Naughty, Your story has a nice personal touch about it. Did you intend persons other than your old man to read it?

They were actually letters that I wrote to hubby. When writing I never thought of posting them, it was a spur-of-the-moment sort of thing. That is another story in itself.


You have written a lot of yourself into this story, was that intended?

yes, our fantasies, but from my point of view.

Development ideas could include a graphic description of what it felt like to be doing all the good things. I have found such description difficult because I enjoy it too much to bother working out exactly how I feel, or, how I would describe it. And afterwards, well . . .

I will try to give more detail next time. However, chapter 2 is total fantasy and I honestly don't know how it would feel.


The construction was good, I thought. You defined the area and components, more could be done, but then, when is it too much.

Thank you for sharing your story with us.

my pleasure, and thank you for your comments. I appreciate them.

Don

 

[slvjenn]

a little too short for my taste, I need more development...lol..that might be obvious from my first posted story...

I understood the second person idea just fine, it was a letter from you to another person. It was obvious to me what was intended.

I didn't vote, mostly because I would have given it a low number. But at the same time it wasn't a story I'd read on my own, in other words the type of story it was, doesn't suit me. Some people i guess vote on how well it's written, I vote on how much I like a story. I didn't feel right giving a low score to a story that isn't the kind that I would normally read...Hope that all makes sense.

Jenn

 

[Feelin' Naughty]

Hi Jenn,
Yes that makes perfect sense. That is one of the things I like about the story section. There is such a wide variety, something for everyone.
Thanks for reading though, and for your opinion. I learn something each time someone posts on this thread or sends feedback to my e-mail.
Naughty

 

[KillerMuffin]

Well, that makes more sense. I just opened the second one and it didn't really 'feel' like a letter. I didn't get the feeling that the narrator was talking to her husband, but instead that she was talking directly to me.

You'd think the title would tip me off, but to be honest, the story didn't read like a letter. It read like a narrative.

 

[Never]

Don K Dyck:
"Have you ever considered playing at being happy? You know, a smile improves your face value. "

I don't play at being or feeling anything. That would be shallow and insincere.

Not that my happiness has anything to do with the post you replied to. I thought Killer wrote a story in second person once. I was incorrect, which is odd because I typically have a good memory when it comes to this sort of thing, so I commented on it.


Sub Joe:
"If I were either one of the people in your AV, I'd be really happy. So whichever one you are, keep gritting them teeth."

I'm the one biting but, if what I gathered from Ruby is correct, I'm not the one enjoying it the most.

 

[KillerMuffin]

You were correct Never. It is my lesbian offering. Someone said, Roger, I believe, that second person could be done well. So I gave it the old college try, as they say in old Warner Bros. cartoons.