My first attempt at writing what do you all think??

slaveboykent

Experienced
Joined
Jul 27, 2008
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66
As i awake with a sore head from the night before i struggle to focus on the room, Wearily i go to lift my head only to find I can hardly move and my arms are stretched out to the sides of me, i go to move them only to realise they are tied fast to the bed post with no room for movement. Suddenly my head clears quickly as i start to feel the situation I am in.



Tied spread eagled to the bed so tight I cant move apart from my neck I am naked with the upmost pain in my arse like its being stretched wide open. I also realise I cant breathe through my mouth as it is taped shut with some sort of fabric stuffed in me to gag me that tasted funny, unknown to me it is Izzys knickers i was told to wank over and cum on 3 weeks ago on cam.



all of a sudden i hear laughter and wimpering as out of my sight Miss Fifi walks in with Izzy on all 4s on a dog leash. Miss Fifi dressed in a red PVC corset and fishnet stockings and Thigh high black heeled boots.



Dragging her along by her leash you come to where I am tied so i can finally see my captor and look into my eyes before spitting at me in disgust. You then instruct Izzy to lick your spit off my cheek. As she comes into my view i can see she has been crying as her mascara has run over her face and she reluctantly pokes out her tongue to my cheek and slowly, reluctantly, licks the spit away.



"Good Bitch" Miss Fifi tells her before pushing her back on to all 4s.



My face looking more and more confused does not go unnoticed by Miss Fifi who leans in and whispers how dare you think you are worth my time as an online slut now you will find out what it means to truely serve me as Izzy has before describing how she has just been used by 3 of Miss Fifis male friends for fun.



Straddle this sluts face Slut Izzy she barks and with that tugs her leash tight choking her and bringing her up to the bed.



Broken and crying she slowly brings her leg over my face so i am looking at her red sore and wet pussy thats clearly been fucked hard, cum running from both her pussy and arse. I can smell the cum and her pussy but all i can taste is this gag in my mouth as she slowly lowers her pussy to my nose so i am soon covered in cum and pussy juice. By this time I have forgotten the pain in my arse until suddenly i feel something being pulled from it quickly making it feel empty for the first time this morning as Miss Fifi shows me the huge blue dildo that a minute ago was in my arse.



Slut clean your Misses toys she says sternly and pushes the dildo to Izzys lips forcing it into her mouth against her wishes, my face slowly getting coated in cum.



Now is the tim for your real training says Miss Fifi and i can feel her slowly push a strap on deep in my arse while Izzy is still on my face watching, I can feel my arse being pulled roughly apart and i try to scream in pain only to be muffled by my gag.



As i get used to the feeling i start groaning through my gag and Fifi instructs Izzy to remove the dildo from her mouth and push it in her used arse which she does allowing me to watch as it slides in her well fucked arse.
 
We're having a special on punctuation today. All the commas, quotation marks and periods you'll ever need for a very reasonable price.

A welcome :kiss: for the little newbie from the good little witch.
 
As i awake with a sore head from the night before i struggle to focus on the room, Wearily i go to lift my head only to find I can hardly move and my arms are stretched out to the sides of me, i go to move them only to realise they are tied fast to the bed post with no room for movement. Suddenly my head clears quickly as i start to feel the situation I am in.



Tied spread eagled to the bed so tight I cant move apart from my neck I am naked with the upmost pain in my arse like its being stretched wide open. I also realise I cant breathe through my mouth as it is taped shut with some sort of fabric stuffed in me to gag me that tasted funny, unknown to me it is Izzys knickers i was told to wank over and cum on 3 weeks ago on cam.



all of a sudden i hear laughter and wimpering as out of my sight Miss Fifi walks in with Izzy on all 4s on a dog leash. Miss Fifi dressed in a red PVC corset and fishnet stockings and Thigh high black heeled boots.



Dragging her along by her leash you come to where I am tied so i can finally see my captor and look into my eyes before spitting at me in disgust. You then instruct Izzy to lick your spit off my cheek. As she comes into my view i can see she has been crying as her mascara has run over her face and she reluctantly pokes out her tongue to my cheek and slowly, reluctantly, licks the spit away.



"Good Bitch" Miss Fifi tells her before pushing her back on to all 4s.



My face looking more and more confused does not go unnoticed by Miss Fifi who leans in and whispers how dare you think you are worth my time as an online slut now you will find out what it means to truely serve me as Izzy has before describing how she has just been used by 3 of Miss Fifis male friends for fun.



Straddle this sluts face Slut Izzy she barks and with that tugs her leash tight choking her and bringing her up to the bed.



Broken and crying she slowly brings her leg over my face so i am looking at her red sore and wet pussy thats clearly been fucked hard, cum running from both her pussy and arse. I can smell the cum and her pussy but all i can taste is this gag in my mouth as she slowly lowers her pussy to my nose so i am soon covered in cum and pussy juice. By this time I have forgotten the pain in my arse until suddenly i feel something being pulled from it quickly making it feel empty for the first time this morning as Miss Fifi shows me the huge blue dildo that a minute ago was in my arse.



Slut clean your Misses toys she says sternly and pushes the dildo to Izzys lips forcing it into her mouth against her wishes, my face slowly getting coated in cum.



Now is the tim for your real training says Miss Fifi and i can feel her slowly push a strap on deep in my arse while Izzy is still on my face watching, I can feel my arse being pulled roughly apart and i try to scream in pain only to be muffled by my gag.



As i get used to the feeling i start groaning through my gag and Fifi instructs Izzy to remove the dildo from her mouth and push it in her used arse which she does allowing me to watch as it slides in her well fucked arse.

Okay, stories of this type are not really my cup of tea, but after reading through the first few paragraphs, I saw many, many, many glaring errors.

When referring to oneself, 'I' is always capitalized. Although, if you are using 'me' it is not capitalized.....don't know why, though. That's just the way the English language works, I guess.

Do not capitalize the first word after a comma....when a comma is used.

Unless it is a proper name or a title, do not capitalize the word. (In your story above, Thigh high boots would not be capitalized unless thigh high was a brand name, in which case it would be Thigh High boots.

Contractions always have an apostrophe: don't, can't, won't, didn't, isn't, doesn't, that's, it's (in most cases, it's has an apostrophe if it can be split into 'it is' or 'it has'), wouldn't couldn't, shouldn't, etc. I think you get the idea.

Numbers up to and including ten as a general rule are spelled out. One, two, three, etc. If you are using a number over ten and a number under ten in the same sentence, both can be either spelled out or typed as a number. (Example: I have twelve children who each hold two lollipops OR I have 12 children who each hold 2 lollipops.....either way would be correct, at least that's what I've learned.)

Beyond that, not a bad start. Wander on over to the Editor's Forum and I'm sure you can find someone to help you with the technical stuff.

Welcome to the AH.
 
When referring to oneself, 'I' is always capitalized. Although, if you are using 'me' it is not capitalized.....don't know why, though. That's just the way the English language works, I guess.

Just a side note: michchick is right about capitalizing "I" but you've used the lowercase "i" so often that I think perhaps you're following the BDSM convention of submissives and slaves referring to themselves that way when online. It doesn't work particularly well in fiction.

Congratulations on popping your writing cherry! :D
 
Second and third person;
Miss Fifi walks in with Izzy on all 4s on a dog leash.
This sentence is written in third person. You are telling your reader what Miss Fifi is doing.

You then instruct Izzy to lick your spit off my cheek.
This is second person. You are telling Miss Fifi what she did.
 
Rocket Man

My first attempt at writing what do you all think.. .

I think that writing porn here is its own reward. Having said that, all I can say is...

Don't give up your day job, quite yet.


-KC

(Note to file: Having taken others to task here for ridiculing earnest, if James Joycean challenged newbies, I fully expect and will accept, without reprisal, any and all comments so noting my hypocrisy in this matter.)

(But really..... there ARE limits, aren't there?)
 
Penis Envy AV

I'm afraid it's limitless.

:(

Sighhhhhhh. Probably so.... In further proof of my own duplicity, just the other day a newbie asserted how poor the writing was on lit and I actually took some kind of issue with him..... Well... maybe I ridiculed the grammar on his post, I don't remember...

Hey Zeb! Hold up a minute!

(joining in....)

"...then cowboy change your evil ways or with us you will ride...."

-KC
 
Welcome to the AH. After reading your work, I must say I haven't laughed that hard in a very long time. If your intention was not humorous, forgive my indiscretion in telling you it was fawking hilarious! Fifi indeed. LMAO.
 
Word up! Not the street slang affirmation, but Micro$haft Word. It would have caught 97% of the mistakes in your writing. Plus you need to develop more of an ear for dialogue, it seems contrived and forced. There are other problems, but that's enough for now.

Welcome to the AH. :D
 
Rocket Man

Welcome to the AH. After reading your work, I must say I haven't laughed that hard in a very long time. If your intention was not humorous, forgive my indiscretion in telling you it was fawking hilarious! Fifi indeed. LMAO.

At the risk of offending poor SlaveBoy even further (although I suspect that probably "does it" for him anyway, given the name), you make a good point..

Almost "too bad" wouldn't you say? An "alt" perhaps, launched by a clever, if embittered and paranoid writer here abouts?

Just a thought....

:D

-KC
 
At the risk of offending poor SlaveBoy even further (although I suspect that probably "does it" for him anyway, given the name), you make a good point..

Almost "too bad" wouldn't you say? An "alt" perhaps, launched by a clever, if embittered and paranoid writer here abouts?

Just a thought....

:D

-KC

I'd wondered the same thing, but then, I am a suspicious sort.

SlaveBoy, if you truly desire assistance on your story feel free to PM me.

:rose:
 
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