my first attempt at being shredded

[sophia jane]

And I mean it. I like the idea behind this poem, and I love the last stanza. But the first stanza sucks and I'm stuck. I've already tweaked a little, but it's still not sitting right, so this seemed like a good first poem to offer up for criticism and suggestion.
Any and all comments welcomed.



I want your cock,
to feel the push pull,
to feel the sweet stretching of skin,
the satisfaction of being complete.

I want your cock,
and I know you will deny me,
tease me,
tempt me,
push me
past the bounds of desire
and into need.

Please, I beg,
Knowing you love this power,
knowing you love my whimper
as I plead for you to
fill me.

Please, I want your cock, Sir-
but my words are little more
than foreplay.

 

[Tzara]

And my first attempt at shredding...

So we're even.

Since you're most concerned about the first stanza, let me comment on that:

If you write it out as a sentence: "I want your cock/to feel the push pull/ to feel ... the satisfaction of being complete" it doesn't make sense. You (presumably) want to feel (his) cock and you want to feel the other things described here. The point of view is messed up after the first line and you need to fix that.

Second line: The phrase "push pull" reminds me unfortunately of Dr. Doolittle's Pushmi-Pullyu. That may just be me, but the sense might be better conveyed through multiple lines, e.g:

to feel your push
to feel your pull
to feel etc.

which also gives the poem something of the rhythm of intercourse. I happen to like repetition; others here apparently hate it. So take that advice with caution.

Third line: "sweet stretching of skin." Your skin? His skin? Whose skin? And while it is nicely sibilant (and God knows I think sibilants are sexy), I don't know that this is an especially erotic image. "Stretch" isn't a particularly sexy word for me and "sweet" is way overused. (I should know; I way overuse it myself.)

Fourth line: "satisfaction" is not a very enthusiastic word--kind of pedestrian. Again, I don't know what to suggest, but look for a word that has more, well, lust associated with it.

Let me stop there, at least for now.

Let me also comment, though, that even in its present form your poem works for me. I found it very, um, erotic. (Where is that damn towel?)

And that's really what counts, isn't it?

 

[flyguy69]

I am not bothered by the grammar of the first strophe, because the comma at the end of line one allows readers to assume the verb "want" for the phrases that follow. Otherwise I agree with Tzara's excellent observations completely. The rhythm of the infinitives is a great idea-- if you want to avoid repetition you could vary them (to feel, to know, to touch, etc).

Good luck.

Nice rack, btw!

 

[WickedEve]

Hi Sophia
I sent you a PM about your newest poem hiding in the shadows If any of you haven't read it, please do and give Sophia some feedback.

Here's an excerpt:
Do you remember
the way I laughed at you,
the way I looked at you
as you stood
in the middle of the road
to catch the height and angle
just right?
Such patience in your lens,
such focus in your eye
as you saw beauty
in the boldness of design.

Great details. You're showing me something and not just telling. I think that may be one problem with the poem you have posted here for feedback. You're telling me quite a bit, but I'm not getting any vivid images after reading it. There is plenty of bdsm poetry kneeling in literotica's corners, begging to be read. And when you read it, most of it sounds the same, most of it sounds like your poem. I'd love for you to give me what you gave me in hiding in the shadows. Maybe you can describe a scene that shows his power or what he does to make you whimper or how you feel at that moment when you're totally under his control. That sort of thing. Even adding an extra stanza with some strong details would really improve the poem. Something the reader can remember after he moves on to the next poem.

 

[Tathagata]

I want your cock,
to feel the push pull,
to feel the sweet stretching of skin,
the satisfaction of being complete.

maybe a stronger word than want..do you ache for it? thirst for it?, or do you require it, request it,
wish for..

i like push pull, I'd make it one word, eliminate the second " to" 'to feel the pushpull, sweet stretching of skin' and maybe add another word after skin 'stretching of skin, barriers' something of that nature to give it a spiritual feel






I want your cock,
and I know you will deny me,
tease me,
tempt me,
push me
past the bounds of desire
and into need.



Now here use another different word for want...you see?
tease/tempt is a bit cliche what is he really doing to you/
debasing you making you wait and want?, is it a cruel withholding of completion?

Please, I beg,
Knowing you love this power,
knowing you love my whimper
as I plead for you to
fill me.

instead of " please I beg" perhaps you would implore, beseech, or my favorite " supplicate" that has a much more sub feel to it. and would go better with " plead". again the second knowing seems repetitive, " knowing you love this power, my whimper,"



Please, I want your cock, Sir-
but my words are little more
than foreplay.

Please Sir, seems to feel more natural, but i can see why you phrased it that way.

the thing with writing a poem like this is that is so hard to say what everyone else has said in a new way. you have to be honest and really search for what you feel and find the word that sums it up. You have to make a little friction and lubrication sound like the magic ride that it is.
no easy task.
if you take the sub view you have to convey that you have given up every part of yourself to have that cock. you have to make it feel like a drowning man wanting air.
that your life depends on you getting it.

easy enough huh?
lol

anyway just a few ideas..
i hope you don't mind.

 

[sophia jane]

Thanks all! Alot to think about. (and no, I don't mind- I'm thrilled to have so many suggestions).

I think the reason I didn't like the first stanza was that it wasn't...enough- it's not descriptive enough or strong enough for what I was trying to say. I'm going to tinker around and I'll post the next draft when I have one.

(Btw- thanks for the plug, Eve. )

SJ

 

[sophia jane]

version 2

Did a little work on this poem. Here's the new draft. Still needs some tuning, I think. Thoughts, anyone?


Cuffed,
I see your face above me,
your smile of power
and I ache for you
to free me,
not from my bonds
but from this need.

I want your cock
to feel the pushpull
of skin mating
to feel my cunt stretch,
hold,
claim.

I want your cock
and I know
seeing the wicked
mischief in your eye,
that you will taunt me
with the soft flicker of fingers,
the sharp bite of teeth,
the quick flash of whip.
You will push me
past the bounds of desire
and into need.

And still, begging-
I want your cock-
I know
that you will deny me.
For you,
my whispered pleading
is little more than foreplay.

 

[PatCarrington]

Did a little work on this poem. Here's the new draft. Still needs some tuning, I think. Thoughts, anyone?


Cuffed,
I see your face above me,
your smile of power
and I ache for you
to free me,
not from my bonds
but from this need.

I want your cock
to feel the pushpull
of skin mating
to feel my cunt stretch,
hold,
claim.

I want your cock
and I know
seeing the wicked
mischief in your eye,
that you will taunt me
with the soft flicker of fingers,
the sharp bite of teeth,
the quick flash of whip.
You will push me
past the bounds of desire
and into need.

And still, begging-
I want your cock-
I know
that you will deny me.
For you,
my whispered pleading
is little more than foreplay.

sophia,

for me, the language is too blatant to be erotic. i think in good erotic poetry, more is said by what you DON'T say than what you do.

my suggestion is to tone down the language, and compress it. i could give you an example, but don't want to do a fast edit on the poem unless it's okay with you.

 

[WickedEve]

sophia,
i think in good erotic poetry, more is said by what you DON'T say than what you do.

First, I agree with your statement.

If you look through the majority of lit's erotic poems, less than half fit that definition. Perhaps "adult poetry" is a better way to describe them--not necessarily pornographic, but not quite erotic.
Sophia, you could submit your poem the way it is, and you will find an audience for it. If you want to write a truly erotic poem, then you really should begin with non erotic poetry. Conquer writing that well before you move on to the erotic stuff. I know that approach greatly improved my own erotic writing.

 

[BooMerengue]

First, I agree with your statement.

If you look through the majority of lit's erotic poems, less than half fit that definition. Perhaps "adult poetry" is a better way to describe them--not necessarily pornographic, but not quite erotic.
Sophia, you could submit your poem the way it is, and you will find an audience for it. If you want to write a truly erotic poem, then you really should begin with non erotic poetry. Conquer writing that well before you move on to the erotic stuff. I know that approach greatly improved my own erotic writing.

Good advice. I can't write erotica- only crummy porn. It's not that I haven't seen the video- I just can't freeze the action long enough to find the right words to show it. And thats one story I don't tell well. I think my tobacco barn poem is the only one that even came close and that just sorta brushed over it.

 

[PatCarrington]

Good advice. I can't write erotica- only crummy porn. It's not that I haven't seen the video- I just can't freeze the action long enough to find the right words to show it. And thats one story I don't tell well. I think my tobacco barn poem is the only one that even came close and that just sorta brushed over it.

i love tobacco barn poetry.

i wrote one of those too.

i haven't spent every minute of my life in the boring north.

 

[BooMerengue]

I'd rather be up North (where I came from) than in the boring South! lol

I hate it here!!

 

[sophia jane]

Point taken about writing erotic poetry. I went away from this thread feeling a little sensitive about what was said (but then I'm one of those people who wears her feelings on her sleeve), but in the end decided that I still want to tinker with this poem. It wants me to finish it. Whether I write good erotic poetry or not remains to be seen, I suppose. Whether I have any talent for it or still need lots of practice is, I'm sure, a matter of opinion. That said, I would be interested in hearing thoughts on the latest draft. Do you see an improvement? Weaknesses? Strengths? Is it time to scrap the whole thing altogether? Another thing I want to note- this is the first poem I have attempted to edit/revise; the fact that I'm still plodding away, despite getting non so enthusiastic comments on the last draft, says alot about my desire to improve, and I'm happy with myself for not chucking it in the recycle bin.

this is now draft 4:

Cuffed,
held immobile by your
smile of power,
I ache.
Free me,
not from my bonds,
but from this need.

I crave
the push pull
of skin mating,
my body begging to
hold, claim, possess
a piece of you,
deep
inside me.

I want raw sex.
I want completion.
I want animal lust fulfilled.

But I know
seeing the wicked
mischief in your eye,
that you will taunt me
with the soft flicker of fingers,
the sharp bite of teeth,
the quick flash of whip.
You will push me
past the bounds of desire
and into need.

And still,
even as I plead, cry, pray-
I know
that you will deny me.
For you,
my whispered pleading
is little more than foreplay.

 

[PatCarrington]

Point taken about writing erotic poetry. I went away from this thread feeling a little sensitive about what was said (but then I'm one of those people who wears her feelings on her sleeve), but in the end decided that I still want to tinker with this poem. It wants me to finish it. Whether I write good erotic poetry or not remains to be seen, I suppose. Whether I have any talent for it or still need lots of practice is, I'm sure, a matter of opinion. That said, I would be interested in hearing thoughts on the latest draft. Do you see an improvement? Weaknesses? Strengths? Is it time to scrap the whole thing altogether? Another thing I want to note- this is the first poem I have attempted to edit/revise; the fact that I'm still plodding away, despite getting non so enthusiastic comments on the last draft, says alot about my desire to improve, and I'm happy with myself for not chucking it in the recycle bin.

this is now draft 4:

Cuffed,
held immobile by your
smile of power,
I ache.
Free me,
not from my bonds,
but from this need.

I crave
the push pull
of skin mating,
my body begging to
hold, claim, possess
a piece of you,
deep
inside me.

I want raw sex.
I want completion.
I want animal lust fulfilled.

But I know
seeing the wicked
mischief in your eye,
that you will taunt me
with the soft flicker of fingers,
the sharp bite of teeth,
the quick flash of whip.
You will push me
past the bounds of desire
and into need.

And still,
even as I plead, cry, pray-
I know
that you will deny me.
For you,
my whispered pleading
is little more than foreplay.

sophia,

i think this is a BIG improvement over the first draft.

and i agree that your not canning the poem is indicative of your desire to improve. your returning and editing in the face of constructive criticism is also a very good sign. anyone who walks away hurt from productive and pointed comments on their writing, whether you agree with them or not, will never be a writer. not a good one, anyway.

i think the toning down of language has made this much more compelling and erotic than the first version. to make it even better, i suggest more compression, the removal of all words and groups of words that are in any way redundant or don't push the poem along to its final goal.

here's a quick compression, just as suggestion. you can decide for yourself if you like it or not - in my opinion, there are still parts of the poem that don't flow toward the desired end - but you have already done so much to improve it.

you should be commended...


Cuffed, I see
your face above me
and I ache for you
to free me,
not from my bonds
but from this need.

I want your push,
the mating stretch
that claims, but
I know that you

will taunt me
with your mischief,
a flick of leather fingers
to propel me past
my boundaries. And

I know that when I beg
you will deny me.
For you, the pleas
are little more than
oil for your whip.

 

[sophia jane]

i think the toning down of language has made this much more compelling and erotic than the first version. to make it even better, i suggest more compression, the removal of all words and groups of words that are in any way redundant or don't push the poem along to its final goal.

Thanks for the suggestions (and the encouragement). I've actually been told by several people that I need to compress the language. My biggest problem with that is that it's not really my style. Lol. So...I've been trying to find ways to compress the language and still hold true to how I see the poem. A tough job. It's interesting to see your version against mine- they are really two completely different poems. Interesting to see how different writers come at the same thing in such different ways.

Anyway, thanks. I'd love to hear more thoughts.

SJ

 

[PatCarrington]

Thanks for the suggestions (and the encouragement). I've actually been told by several people that I need to compress the language. My biggest problem with that is that it's not really my style. Lol. So...I've been trying to find ways to compress the language and still hold true to how I see the poem. A tough job. It's interesting to see your version against mine- they are really two completely different poems. Interesting to see how different writers come at the same thing in such different ways.

Anyway, thanks. I'd love to hear more thoughts.

SJ

you're very welcome.

i don't think they are 2 completely different poems, though. i think they're the same poem, saying the identical things - just written in 2 different ways.

 

[Senna Jawa]

Hi Sophia
I sent you a PM about your newest poem hiding in the shadows If any of you haven't read it, please do and give Sophia some feedback.

Here's an excerpt:

Do you remember
the way I laughed at you,
the way I looked at you
as you stood
in the middle of the road
to catch the height and angle
just right?
Such patience in your lens,
such focus in your eye
as you saw beauty
in the boldness of design.

Great details. You're showing me something and not just telling.

The twice repeated phrase "the way I..." is poetically impotent, an empty bluff. It is "telling". The real way would be to present "the way" without telling that it was "a way". But that's much, much harder. (The cliched first line makes the situation still worse).

in the middle of the road

indeed carries an image. Then the text gets obscure. Phrase "just right" is awful, while

"Such patience in your lens"

is interesting! and provides an image very well. Too bad that the effect is adversely affected by the follow up line. For starters, we have plural "lens", then singular "eye". Most of the time, when you're in doubt and have a choice, then choose the singular form over the plural form. Not here!!! Here the singular form makes it sound symbolic (which elsewhere it can be often to your advantage--not here) and phony. But even if it were written in plural:

"such focus in your eyes"

it would be still very bad. Indeed, we have now a cheap word play, the thread is thick, it shows up. In place of emotions we get an obvious game of "lens", "eyes", and the double meaning of "focus". Such obvious hand made effects preclude poetry (they look like an advertisement of author's intelligence, and that is not the goal of a poet). Such effects are good for jokes, for easy recreation. (Occasionally they may work when used to extreme, when combined with the melody... in different kind of poems than this one).

The last two lines quoted by Eve above are awful again. One should not impose opinions, one should not make claims, one should not preach... in the poems. Give the reader the scene, the image, the movement, the smells... and that's all. (There is more to it in the context of the whole poetry, while in the case of the given text what I have said should suffice, we shouldn't write a whole monography on the margin of each piece).

Regards,

 

[sophia jane]

The twice repeated phrase "the way I..." is poetically impotent, an empty bluff. It is "telling". The real way would be to present "the way" without telling that it was "a way". But that's much, much harder. (The cliched first line makes the situation still worse).

in the middle of the road

indeed carries an image. Then the text gets obscure. Phrase "just right" is awful, while

"Such patience in your lens"

is interesting! and provides an image very well. Too bad that the effect is adversely affected by the follow up line. For starters, we have plural "lens", then singular "eye". Most of the time, when you're in doubt and have a choice, then choose the singular form over the plural form. Not here!!! Here the singular form makes it sound symbolic (which elsewhere it can be often to your advantage--not here) and phony. But even if it were written in plural:

"such focus in your eyes"

it would be still very bad. Indeed, we have now a cheap word play, the thread is thick, it shows up. In place of emotions we get an obvious game of "lens", "eyes", and the double meaning of "focus". Such obvious hand made effects preclude poetry (they look like an advertisement of author's intelligence, and that is not the goal of a poet). Such effects are good for jokes, for easy recreation. (Occasionally they may work when used to extreme, when combined with the melody... in different kind of poems than this one).

The last two lines quoted by Eve above are awful again. One should not impose opinions, one should not make claims, one should not preach... in the poems. Give the reader the scene, the image, the movement, the smells... and that's all. (There is more to it in the context of the whole poetry, while in the case of the given text what I have said should suffice, we shouldn't write a whole monography on the margin of each piece).

Regards,

While I appreciate the thoughts, I wasn't asking for critique on that poem. That poem was quoted because Eve liked it. And it's not even the complete poem, but only a piece of it.
I also don't really find anything constructive about being told that something I write is "awful." Thanks for the suggestions though.

 

[Senna Jawa]

I wasn't asking for critique on that poem.

I've written it for the benefit of the whole Literotica Poetry Feedback & Discussion forum.

I also don't really find anything constructive about being told that something I write is "awful."

That's only natural (or rather: it is a common reaction). At least I gave you a chance. Like with that horse and the river.

Don't worry, I'll be gone any moment. The ironic thing is that it was your bitching about votes, which brought me here back. You know the connection:

votes ==> stats ==> trivia ==> perl programs

Regards

Senna Jawa

PS. Eve has quoted a portion of your poem to show that you can write better than one would think after reading your other poem to which you have devoted this thread. If you had written "I need sliced rye bread and your dick" then it would have a chance to be poetry. But when you start a poem with the line "I want your dick" then it may mean that you are horny or frustrated, while it almost certainly is not going to be poetry (and indeed, it was not), and it shows that you have some reading and studies and thinking ahead of you if you care.

 

[BooMerengue]

PS. Eve has quoted a portion of your poem to show that you can write better than one would think after reading your other poem to which you have devoted this thread. If you had written "I need sliced rye bread and your dick" then it would have a chance to be poetry. But when you start a poem with the line "I want your dick" then it may mean that you are horny or frustrated, while it almost certainly is not going to be poetry (and indeed, it was not), and it shows that you have some readings and studies and thinking ahead of you if you care.

My dear Mr. Jawa,

I have watched and listened to you on several occasions, but always hung back. I'm a big candy ass at heart, but sometimes I speak out. And I gotta say I loved what you said here. "I need sliced rye bread and your dick" might be poetry indeed! I'm smiling so big I have to go outside and smoke or I'll wake up the house when the smile turns to guffaws!! Thank you!

SJ? This is no reflection on you or your poem. It's just my appreciation of a well turned phrase!

*smothering my chuckles as I run out the door...

 

[annaswirls]

Sophia, you have a beautiful face, so lovely to see you

I need sliced rye bread and your dick

Have you been sneaking through my grocery list again Senna?

I want to write a poem now, about a hopelessly aroused woman trying to focus on writing a grocery list.

one loaf sliced rye bread
and your dick sliding between my thighs
yes, thighs, drumsticks and chicken breasts swollen
with desire, your tender
loins find their way to satisfaction
frozen snickers bars, don't forget
the frozen snickers bars...
and bread, sliced bread
pb & j
diet coke
scalp tingling shampoo
pin prick sensation of toes gone numb
come take me save me
from this list
lover

I need your dick
more than sliced bread

 

[sophia jane]

Sophia, you have a beautiful face, so lovely to see you

Thanks.