My feelings were black with this one.

[bushrangerbabe]

I was suffering depression when I wrote this. I am ok now but. Tell me what you think.

My head
Explosion is close
I am melting
Dripping, leaking, molten
BANG, BANG, BANG
Don't come close
I want to tear your skin
Rip you open and expose your flesh
Now I'm sad
Why can't you love me
Read my mind
Hold me
Cradle me
I am forever your child
The voices won't stop
GUILT, GUILT, GUILT
Up, down, low, lower, drowning
Sinking into sewage
Falling away from all of you
No one can get me
Alone in the darkness
Black soot surounds me
Bleeding but you don't care
You can't see me
I want to sleep
Be empty
I am gone now
Goodbye.

 

[annaswirls]

If you are trying to convey depression, you did so in this poem. Gives many classic reactions. I thought the line "why can't you.... read m mind" was interesting. Something that people might not have thought of in interacting with a person with depression.

I hope it helps you to write and that you have some kind of support system in place to help you through your really low times.

 

[unpredictablebijou]

It's tricky to offer "critique" for something as obviously personal and journalistic as this piece is for you. However,

What I think:

- you portray depression pretty accurately.
- this piece is most valuable, not as a piece of "literature" but as a study of the mind of someone who is enduring a particular condition.
- this is not something to critique and edit, but more to simply save as a self-portrait. It's most valuable as a sketch of yourself
- you should continue to write, both therapeutically and perhaps also as a more academic exercise, writing for an audience.

good luck
bijou

 

[sassynyc]

you can never critique something like this, because it's purely based on your feelings. no one knows your feelings better than you do. this poem vividly depicts your pain. even though you're ok now, i hope you reach out to someone you trust. if you ever feel that way again, you won't have to face it alone.