My erotic poem Only You

[LillyRoses]

I have a bit of revision to it but it can be found here under my poetry. Thanks for the feedback on it:

Only You. by LillyRoses


http://www.literotica.com/p/only-you-12

 

[bronzeage]

A direct link is the polite thing to do.

 

[LillyRoses]

My poem

I added it..Thanks.

 

[twelveoone]

I have a bit of revision to it but it can be found here under my poetry. Thanks for the feedback on it:

Only You. by LillyRoses


http://www.literotica.com/p/only-you-12

LillyRoses, I saw your poem when I trudged through new poems, my thought was if i leave a comment, what would her reaction be? i.e. what am i going to get out of it.
strafed.
My advice for any new writers, leave comments before you post.
After that look for comments on poems, see if you agree. Leave some more.
Post. Here is your poem. Have you seen any over there with the same wording?
I have. That is bad. No, I am not saying you stole it, you didn't. It is a series of cliches. Not all of it, because this looks interesting
Colliding into you
against the trees.



I stand.
Naked and exposed.
Your wicked whims, like your hands
prying at my soul.
Your fingers entwined
stroking, knowing,
divine pleasure and pain,
til I subside.
Colliding into you
against the trees.
The thoughts of your skin
near mine through
pleasure and pain sink in
like glistening dewdrops.
The rain falls harder and
I lick at the moisture
tasting you
savoring each morsel
against all reason and
without any thought,
the purest of submission
Unbound.

The thoughts of your skin
near mine through
pleasure and pain sink in
like glistening dewdrops.

changed to

The thought of you sinks in
like pleasure and pain
like pink teardrops
as an example
what something like this will do give the reader something that is sonically better and something that they have not quite seen before
what does it mean? I don't know
is it great? no, but improvement is incremental
you owe me one comment, go read and comment on one of Demure's, be nice.

 

[LillyRoses]

My Poem

You tell me to be nice and then say my poem is a series of cliches. You could have told me that in a much much nicer...editorially speaking manner...with less of your ego and need to one up me involved.

I see on here that that seems to be the case.

I don't mind negative comments..if they are constructive but leave your ego out of it or develop a more mature way of speaking. I would never say something so harsh to a writer and I worked in publishing at some of the top places in NYC.

You are lucky I can handle it.

I write a lot...I have editors interested. I have been told I am a good writer by good editors. I have a blog site that does well. I have no idea why I even post for commentary on here. I just want my writing to be seen by a wider audience. It really seems like a popularity contest on the bulletin boards...like all chat/internet sites. .

I will not critique a work on here. It is not turn for turn. But I will make an observation:

What strikes me about this site in general is that authors fight petty battles with each other (the whole Scouries thing is an example) because they are insecure about their writing. Then they say over and over again (curiously) that they don't write to be published. Well, I write to be published. I want to write well and be published and at 48 yrs old. ...I don't think that there is anything wrong with that belief.

A bit of advice to young writers:

The starving artist thing (aka Henry Miller) is charming while you are young (I did it and then some) but as you get older it sucks, sucks , sucks. You begin to want nice stuff..you are tired...you want a car and some decent clothes, if you have a family they go without things...it's not fun.

The women who wrote Harry Potter was spot on. She was starving and wrote content that sold. She didn't say.."Oh wow, this isn't Dorothy Parker...maybe I should have my children starve to death..." she wrote material that would appeal to an audience.

I am annoyed with this site because I submitted a story and it was rejected because of grammatical errors ( I saw none) and formatting of my dialogue. I submitted it to an editor ON THIS SITE..who said it was fine and loved it. She made no changes.

The moral of the story:
People are either going to love your stuff or hate it. That's how it goes. I know I am not Emily Dickinson and I don't really care about that. I've had music labels contact me to write songs for them (unfortunately that is not my forte--although the money is very, very good).

What is strafed?

Who is demure? Is that you?

For someone who is commenting on communicating through writing you are not doing a very good job at it.

I took your advice that was nice...about the pink thing. Thank you.

A better way to have said what you said would be..
"I liked this about your poem_________, change this to_____________, but the rest of it was kind of over-used imagery or imagery that has been done."


Now you can be an editor and for that above statement I would have had a much nicer and more grateful response and I would have probably looked at your??? Demure's???? writing.

I saw your profile and am guessing you don't write. "Those who can't write?" It would have been nice if you predicated all this with what makes you think you know how to write. Do you have an MFA? Did you post on here? Do you stroll through poems as a past-time?

You obviously have some knowledge of poetry since your advice was good. Therefore, it seems to me you are capable of responding to a request (that is what this thread is here for) in a more polite manner.

Lilly R.

 

[twelveoone]

Demure is some one that commented on your poem, she is also very good, most places require 3 comments for one submission, you submitted, you came to the threads, you got unlucky.

If my advice was good, take it.

Another piece of advice, you learn much better by seeing what other people are doing by seeing how people react to their work.

As far as I, and my profile, I never recommend any new writers to me, however, if you care to read the comments on, maybe 5, they are commented on by some of the best writers here.

An MFA, no I am an outlaw biker dude that runs a meth factory and maybe that is why the best writers here comment on my work.

Now, your poem was a typical submissive poem, are you asking for poetical advice or a date. My wife who is bigger and meaner and homicidal to boot would not like that.

 

[twelveoone]

I will not critique a work on here. It is not turn for turn. But I will make an observation:



The moral of the story:
People are either going to love your stuff or hate it. That's how it goes. I know I am not Emily Dickinson and I don't really care about that. I've had music labels contact me to write songs for them (unfortunately that is not my forte--although the money is very, very good).

really I just wasted my time- here you want, but you don't want to contribute?
and because I want that, its ego?
the moral of the story, emily wanted her stuff buried,
and the music thing, which way was the money going?

 

[Bramblethorn]

The starving artist thing (aka Henry Miller) is charming while you are young (I did it and then some) but as you get older it sucks, sucks , sucks. You begin to want nice stuff..you are tired...you want a car and some decent clothes, if you have a family they go without things...it's not fun.

The women who wrote Harry Potter was spot on. She was starving and wrote content that sold. She didn't say.."Oh wow, this isn't Dorothy Parker...maybe I should have my children starve to death..." she wrote material that would appeal to an audience.

Anybody relying on Literotica to feed their children is in the wrong place. Probably anybody relying on a fiction or poetry career to feed their children is in the wrong place, because talent and hard work aren't enough to guarantee that level of success - you also need luck.

I enjoy writing, and when I've finished my current WiP I'll be shopping it around to publishers to see if anybody wants it. No harm in trying. But if I counted on it to pay my bills I'd just be turning a source of pleasure into a source of stress; I write for the love of it and any money I can get for it is a bonus.

I am annoyed with this site because I submitted a story and it was rejected because of grammatical errors ( I saw none) and formatting of my dialogue. I submitted it to an editor ON THIS SITE..who said it was fine and loved it. She made no changes.

There are ALWAYS errors. If you've worked in publishing, you should know this.

FWIW, I do professional tech editing as a sideline. In the last couple of weeks I edited a second-edition book for a big-name publishing house. The first edition would have been checked over by a professional author, a tech editor, and a copy-editor; the second edition would have been checked by the author again before coming to me. I still found errors in every chapter - not just in the new material, but in the first-edition sections as well.

I check my own writing over about five times before I pass it to my editor, who invariably finds something that needs correction. Even then, something often slips through that I only spot after it gets through the publication process.

Your writing here is pretty good, but it's not perfect. For instance, "The women who wrote Harry Potter" should be "The woman"; without going through it exhaustively, I noticed a couple of other minor errors. Unfortunately, the quality of VEs is variable, so you're not guaranteed that the editor you get will pick up anything at all.

That said, certainly the stringency of moderation is variable. Some stuff gets through that shouldn't, and no doubt some stuff doesn't get through that should.

 

[PandoraGlitters]

Lilly, I think you have a strong sense of what your voice is, judging by linebreaks and punctuation. You can further strengthen your writing by avoiding abstractions (this is my chief downfall so I know quite a lot about this one) and focusing on concrete imagery a bit more. I enjoyed reading your work and hope to see more.

Best wishes,
Dora

 

[PandoraGlitters]

. . . because this looks interesting
Colliding into you
against the trees.
. . . I don't know
is it great? no, but improvement is incremental
you owe me one comment, go read and comment on one of Demure's, be nice.

I think this is lovely and fair. Thank you, 1201, for reading and commenting on new work. Perhaps you will do the same for me when I submit something again (soon!) but I do not think "be nice" is necessary. Mostly people are nice when they comment. Perhaps too much so. Perhaps it would be better to say "be empathetic" or "be measured" or "be fair?" I don't know. It's complex.

 

[butters]

lillyrose - is it fair to speak of others' egos when you are posting links to your own poem and expecting feedback yet have no intention of leaving considered feedback on others' writes?

as for your poem, i honestly think it could be improved by removing the padding and ameliorating the clichéd without losing sight of what you want to show us. twelve gave you one very nice suggestion, and here's my tuppence-worth - tuppence only since i have no MFA:

I stand.
Naked and exposed.
overkill - simply 'exposed' would have shown us, allowing us to fit in the duality of the physical/emotional by ourselves

Your wicked whims, like your hands
prying at my soul.
whilst 'wicked whims' is a bit corny, it carries on the sibilance and introduces the softened i's. do you need 'like your hands'? not in my opinion, and 'soul' makes me cringe. you could have said 'your wicked whims/hands that pry'

Your fingers entwined
apart from 'soul', 'entwined' is one of my least favourite words to see used in poetry... ok, it's a personal thing but, as a reader, i'd have honestly given up there. soul and entwined? nope.

stroking, knowing,
divine pleasure and pain,
til I subside.
i'm having difficulty with your punctuation choices right the way through this so far, and feel this could work far better if you dropped all those 'ings' ... 'til'? that should be till or 'til but i enjoyed that line! for me this would work so much better as

your fingers stroke
know
divine pleasure and pain
till i subside

Colliding into you
against the trees.
very neat image, but if your presented that to us as 'collide into you/against the trees' it would enhance that already stronger line.

The thoughts of your skin
near mine through
pleasure and pain sink in
see twelve's suggestion

like glistening dewdrops.
clichéd, plus it's a kind of given that dewdrops glisten, or sparkle ... give us something fresh to match up to the collide imagery

The rain falls harder and
I lick at the moisture
tasting you
that and as well as the are entirely superfluous, bringing nothing to the image, nothing that improves the tonal qualities of the write or the pacing

The rain falls harder
i lick at moisture
tasting you

savoring each morsel
argh, another old cliché to be found in most the pornish writes whatever their category. it might be what the narrator's doing BUT please please please present it to us in a way that won't distract us by immediately thinking 'cliché!' and so detracting from what you want us to experience reading your write.

against all reason and
the and is, once again, not required ... if i suggested you drop it to the next line to create its own impact, then it would still work against the following line 'without any thought' as it would seem a thoughtful moment

without any thought,
the purest of submission
Unbound.
yes, i like this part.

 

[twelveoone]

As far as I, and my profile, I never recommend any new writers to me, however, if you care to read the comments on, maybe 5, they are commented on by some of the best writers here.

An MFA, no I am an outlaw biker dude that runs a meth factory and maybe that is why the best writers here comment on my work.

what no comments on this?

 

[Desejo]

You don't happen to know Heisenberg, do you?

.....Better call Saul!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yUXAgUoPa3U)

 

[LillyRoses]

Ended thread and banned members

Members have been banned. I see that there is a playschool, childish mentality to the boards on here that do not vibe with me.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Chipbutty:
The line by line critique was unnecessary since twelve was so polite about saying that already. Are you his twelve's buddy chipbutty? I love when immature minds and bullies hide behind profiles on sites.

But thanks so much.

From now on I will ask people to private message me on commentary. Since immature minds proliferate on these boards.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Twelve:
I don't have to do anything you tell me. If demure wants me to review her work, she can private message me like a big girl. I don't see her post here. You say she commented.

My condolences to your girlfriend twelve. Do you always take it on yourself to make decisions for women? I am going to take my cliched work and publish it.

I think the comment about wanting you is hilarious, btw twelve. Is twelve your age? I had a good laugh at that one. I write erotica that is why the poem was about submission. It was not a personal ad. So take your imaginary bike, your homicidal girlfriend, and ride away to your crystal meth lab.

If you are one of the best writers on here-what a sad statement that is for the site. LOL. There seems to be a lot of bragging about who the best writer is on the site...I'm loving the braggadocio and machismo..growl.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Bramble--
For the life of me, I don't know why an editor would be spending time on a literotica bulletin board. Thanks for grammar and spell-checking my response Bramble...get a life please that was pathetic. I have written for editors and they don't castigate you for type-os or minor errors. I don't know where you have been working no wonder you are spending your time on here. I made 3 minor cap errors on a 6 page submission. The editor FROM THIS SITE said it was fine.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I am ending the thread don't bother responding. The childishness is beyond words--Oooops hope that wasn't too much of a cliche for your delicate minds.

 

[LillyRoses]

your poem twelveoone

Twelveoone's Work of Art:

Thought I would do you a favor in return (that is what you seek--done) and read your poem

"A Walk on the Path" (your "original" poem).

Overall Review: Childish and full of cliches. So much for the rating system on here. It would make a good Hallmark card poem. Maybe you should go and work for them. I hear they make a lot of money.


the goldenrod have turnt burnt orange

(Uh kind of non-original and blah)

choke cherries crowd the tiny path

(does this add any originality in thought?)

rent by misspent webs spun
by spiders of intent
(boring except for the "spiders of intent")

on the bridge the boards are now rotten
but graffiti artists have not forgotten
this forsaken place
sprayed a face of mickey mouse

(mentality about on a 3rd grade level with the mickey mouse image)

ah so billy how have you been
the mouse face covers half your name
ah the fleetingness of fame
(punctuation on here could be better-a bit confusing and run-on)

do you remember
when we where the young
dipshits of summer
artistes of white trash
krylon cans in our hands

(sounds like you are still stuck in that youth..no maturity to these lines)

you were an asshole
even back then
taking the money
coming back with pink
fucking pink fucking pink
now how fucking cool was that

(immature--is this a rap song lyric? Does not blend in with the classic lines of first stanza)

such a beautiful day today
white clouds tinted with gray
and larger than your life (cliche)
in four foot letters on the old railroad bridge
LY
in decrepit albino flesh (interesting description)
so nice to remember
you like that

Last 3 lines are a nice touch. But the poem reads as immature and trying to hard to be "cool." You are mixing your imagery--trying to combine classic with more modern and it does not work.



Have a nice day twelve

 

[LillyRoses]

Thread has been Ended

This thread has been officially ended by the original poster: LillyRoses.

I will not respond to any further postings.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Members have been banned. I see that there is a playschool, childish mentality to the boards on here that do not vibe with me.

Honey, you're not a mod. You don't get to "ban" people or close threads.

Bramble--
For the life of me, I don't know why an editor would be spending time on a literotica bulletin board. Thanks for grammar and spell-checking my response Bramble...get a life please that was pathetic. I have written for editors and they don't castigate you for type-os or minor errors.

Oh, trust me, I wasn't castigating you. That was me being polite. Me castigating somebody looks quite different; you'll know it when you see it.

 

[butters]

goddamned page-stretchers

no, sillylilly, i am not twelve's girlfriend. he's a way better writer than i and would find me quite quite boring.
*aw bless*

what you meant to say was 'Thankyou, chip, for bothering to take the time to show me my write through your eyes. I don't agree with your points, but appreciate the time you took to consider my work." yer welcome

as for your 'critique' of twelve's write ...?

*still laughing*

 

[Bramblethorn]

Honey, you're not a mod. You don't get to "ban" people or close threads.

Oh, trust me, I wasn't castigating you. That was me being polite. Me castigating somebody looks quite different; you'll know it when you see it.

...and within a couple of hours of me posting that, looks like somebody went through and downrated all my submissions. Curious timing

 

[butters]

...and within a couple of hours of me posting that, looks like somebody went through and downrated all my submissions. Curious timing

par for the course, bramblethorn, when someone's had their nose put out of joint. i believe there's a sweep from time to time that obliterates some of the more obvious extreme-voting in order to maintain some semblance of normality.

 

[twelveoone]

...and within a couple of hours of me posting that, looks like somebody went through and downrated all my submissions. Curious timing

i suspected a strafer, sorry you got hit
as for demure, chipbuddy, etc. our relationship is solely professional, i respect their work.
you come here with a badly written piece of work, i give you a small piece of advice, both on your specific work and on general improvement, it should have ended there,
well, no you want to lecture me on the lack of sugar coating, (and when some one presents a problem that needs to be solved, that is the tone i take) and ask me a bunch of dumb questions, this is the internet i could lie my ass off, which i did. i've been through new poems thousands of times (that you can verify), have read extensively (that you may not be able to verify, you would have to pay close attention), i have seen most of what you did in your poem, lets just say once to often
the goldenrod have turnt burnt orange

(Uh kind of non-original and blah)
really, go find it, it is also used as a voicing cue
the goldenrod have turned a burnt orange
would be the most proper way of saying it

have a wonderful and selfish life, and if you submit anything further to this site, do us both a favour and turn your comments off. and god forbid you post anything over here soliciting comments, i will blister you, and i will do it in such a way that the mods won't be able to save you.
line #2
choke cherries crowd the tiny path

(does this add any originality in thought?)
THINK ABOUT IT
what and who do you think it refers too?
waa-laa, are we getting a poetic picture here?