My Crappy tale needs a few more votes

[Dingus Guy]

<---- boo-boo face

I need 12 more votes to qualify my Nude Day Story which I submitted late. I know, that's my fault, but nevertheless it is funny. I know it is an unusual story, but I think most people that like bathroom humor will enjoy it. SO...any takers? Feel free to be as brutally honest as you want, I just want the 25 votes to qualify. Thanks.

NUDE DAY STORY CONTEST- "Food, Rude, Nude & Wooed"

 

[wishfulthinking]

Ok, I'll give it a go

---> but it isn't golden showers, is it?

 

[wishfulthinking]

There are one or two suggestions I would make, but they are pretty much take 'em or leave 'em!

Perhaps the story should have started when he came across the sexy security guard in the nuddie, and did a backwind as to how he actually ended up there, giving readers a taste of what is to come.

Sorry, but the toilet scene was too long - leaning more toward excruciating then humorous! ;D

Making paragraphs shorter so that they are easier on the reader.

Also, I probably overuse commas, but I would like to have seen the more in your story.

Otherwise, a 5 for daring and effort!

Goodluck!

 

[Dingus Guy]

There are one or two suggestions I would make, but they are pretty much take 'em or leave 'em!

Perhaps the story should have started when he came across the sexy security guard in the nuddie, and did a backwind as to how he actually ended up there, giving readers a taste of what is to come.

Sorry, but the toilet scene was too long - leaning more toward excruciating then humorous! ;D

Making paragraphs shorter so that they are easier on the reader.

Also, I probably overuse commas, but I would like to have seen the more in your story.

Otherwise, a 5 for daring and effort!

Goodluck!

Thank you Wishful. I actually wanted to write a longer sex scene (using the blackmail end of it), but I was writing on my parents computer, in my Sister's room, on my vacation, so time has been limited on here. I wanted to write before my vacation started, but I ran out of time, so I did it here instead. Next contest I hope it will be easier. Next vacation, I hope it will be more exciting . Thanks again for your time, vote and advice.