Angeline
Poet Chick
- Joined
- Mar 11, 2002
- Posts
- 27,356
Once again the comment tool is acting freaky, at least it is as I try to post comments. They're there and then they're not. So I'm putting them here cause I hate it when this happens. 
<---- see?
chipbutty
watching for boats
I like it! It's spare and doesn't do anything fancy and yet says a lot. I might change a few things, primarily get rid of conjunctions that don't (to me) seem to be adding anything. Seems like there are some natural sentence breaks, but maybe that would interrupt the flow you want.
bleeders
There's a sureness in the voice of this poem that underscores its subject and makes the end lines come across that much stronger. I'd move "that" in line 3 to the start of 4. Otherwise it is flawless to me.
white flags
Says a lot with very few words. I think it would be even stronger without the middle strophe which sounds a bit "explaining" to me--it's true but it's something you're telling me as compared to the strophes that precede and follow it where the images carry the ideas.
~
bogusagain
indecision
Lovely very thoughtful piece and I love how the meandering language matches the image of the narrator walking and thinking. And it seems very sonnet-like yet not, which is a kind of ambiguity I love to see in a poem. Your poetic voice is sure and fluid. Wonderful phrases and wordplays like "headway/the mind..." ("The mind trapped in its own equations" is a great line, one of many in this poem.)
~
Tristesse2
Sado-Seduction
You are a master of the slow build and this poem moves steadily toward that killer end line-- like a cat stalking a mouse, which I believe is the whole point so really well done, Tess! And I love love love "tell her secrets she never thought to know." If that isn't a perfect roadmap to a merciless kind of seduction, I don't know what is!
~
Koba
A Phoenix at Six O'Clock
This is an amazing poem. You need to submit it somewhere with a wider audience. It's too good to just sit here. Just my opinion, but it has a big wow factor for me.
~
fridayam
Taurus
Excellent! I love what you are doing with this series and this is wonderful: you've brought stars to life and given them personality so compelling I envision them in earthly ways.
Sea-Otter (for Angeline)
It is beyond flattering to have this lovely poem dedicated to me. Thank you. It's a fluent, fluid piece of writing. I'd move "contemplate" to the start of the next line and maybe juggle the breaks a bit on those few lines (lines 14-15). But that's a nitpick about a beautiful poem.
<---- see?chipbutty
watching for boats
I like it! It's spare and doesn't do anything fancy and yet says a lot. I might change a few things, primarily get rid of conjunctions that don't (to me) seem to be adding anything. Seems like there are some natural sentence breaks, but maybe that would interrupt the flow you want.
bleeders
There's a sureness in the voice of this poem that underscores its subject and makes the end lines come across that much stronger. I'd move "that" in line 3 to the start of 4. Otherwise it is flawless to me.
white flags
Says a lot with very few words. I think it would be even stronger without the middle strophe which sounds a bit "explaining" to me--it's true but it's something you're telling me as compared to the strophes that precede and follow it where the images carry the ideas.
~
bogusagain
indecision
Lovely very thoughtful piece and I love how the meandering language matches the image of the narrator walking and thinking. And it seems very sonnet-like yet not, which is a kind of ambiguity I love to see in a poem. Your poetic voice is sure and fluid. Wonderful phrases and wordplays like "headway/the mind..." ("The mind trapped in its own equations" is a great line, one of many in this poem.)
~
Tristesse2
Sado-Seduction
You are a master of the slow build and this poem moves steadily toward that killer end line-- like a cat stalking a mouse, which I believe is the whole point so really well done, Tess! And I love love love "tell her secrets she never thought to know." If that isn't a perfect roadmap to a merciless kind of seduction, I don't know what is!
~
Koba
A Phoenix at Six O'Clock
This is an amazing poem. You need to submit it somewhere with a wider audience. It's too good to just sit here. Just my opinion, but it has a big wow factor for me.
~
fridayam
Taurus
Excellent! I love what you are doing with this series and this is wonderful: you've brought stars to life and given them personality so compelling I envision them in earthly ways.
Sea-Otter (for Angeline)
It is beyond flattering to have this lovely poem dedicated to me. Thank you. It's a fluent, fluid piece of writing. I'd move "contemplate" to the start of the next line and maybe juggle the breaks a bit on those few lines (lines 14-15). But that's a nitpick about a beautiful poem.
