My beginning

[VividDesires]

I'm quite rusty, as I am just getting back into the swing of my writing. (My disclaimer.)

However, I figure we must all start somewhere, so welcome to my beginning. Feedback of any sort is highly encouraged.

First Date

More cerebral and less carnal
Is what I wish I could be at times like these.
Soaking in every expression; filing it away for when I’m alone…
Transparent conversation full of unloaded words all of the sake of having a politely good time…when all I can focus on is the hint of a nervous smile
The slight darkness of chest hair that always seems to find it’s way up over a shirt collar…
I imagine the shared saltiness of our bodies, and of awkward morning smiles…
A sip of wine; a fragile laugh, knowing that politeness is all that will be exchanged this evening…

Where the intersection of sensuality and words collide is where I long to be…yet…
I am caught up in trance-like simplicity…where my meaning has forgotten its words…
Reduced to pleasantries and banal conversation…
If he only knew
Strength and dominance don’t necessarily go together…
Yet.

 

[DocktorWu]

Welcome to the forum.

I thought the poem was nice. There are moments when you are a little long in saying something. I think you could improve the poem by editing, try using less words for some of your descriptions, this is a good start.

 

[lorencino]

For example, if you brought "I long" to the beginning of the line that now begins, "Where the intersection . . . " it will make more vivid your feelings. Then finish the line with fewer words but saying the same thing. I don't want to be more specific because it is ultimately your poem and your voice.

 

[VividDesires]

Good feedback from both of you. I agree that I need to work on more muscular sentence structure. I will be posting a revision soon.

Thanks for the help-