My attempt at a poem/verse.

[Poizon69]

I have been writing various full length stories on LIT for some time, but I have now attempted to write a short Non-erotic poem( or should that be verse?) either way I have never written a poem in my life before but I am curious if anyone would care to read this attempt at a poem/verse and let me know what they think.


Well here it is:

***********

I Don’t care

I try to make it through my life.
In my way is you.
I try to make it through these lies.
That's all I can do.

Just don't deny it.
Just don't deny it, just deal with it.
Just deal with it.

You are trying to break me.
You want to break me, bit by bit.
That's just part of it isn’t it?

If you were dead or alive?
I don't care, I just don't care anymore.

I have tried to make you see my side.
But your eyes see right through me.
That's all they do.
I'm really tired of this shit.
I have no room when it gets like this.
I can't do what you want of me.
So just deal with it.

There is nothing left to care about.
Nothing I can care about.
It's obvious you aren't here anymore.

But even if you were alive or dead?
I just don't care anymore.
All those things you said, all those things you did.
And all those things you left behind.

I don't care, I just don't care anymore.

Goodbye.


*****

Thank you to anyone that reads this thread.

Regards

Poizon69

 

[Palba_Noruda]

Thanks for posting Poizon. I like the conversational style and the repetitions and the near sounds like life and lie.

It sounds like a dreadful relationship for the narrator. Reminds me of something that happened in my life once. The ending takes a sad turn.

It's a good first poem.

 

[Poizon69]

Hello Palba

Thanks for the comment. But please understand it was totally made up, So I have never been in this situation, thank fully.

But I am glad you can relate to it, I just hope the relationship ended better than my poem.

Thanks again

Poizon

 

[butters]

pretty good for a first attempt. honestly. and that's because you already have the knack of using sounds to tie things together, and you haven't fallen into the trap most new poets (including myself) do - the overuse of flowery/florid language, weighing it down with excessive modifiers and so on.

and even though it's a poem about angst, it's not all teen-angsty - a personal dislike of mine.

naturally there's room for improvement, who hasn't? but you've a wonderful road ahead to travel, keep writing.

 

[Poizon69]

Hello Chipbutty

Thank very much for your kind words and encouragement. As you can guess I was and still am a little apprehensive about my attempt at poetry.

I am thinking of writing another poem, but this time with a little more upbeat feel to it.

Anyway thanks again.

Poizon

 

[greenmountaineer]

This has a lot of potential. I suggeast you look for redundancy in the poem and abbreviate, abbreviate, abbreviate the poem. Yes, I know I'm being redundant, but if you shorten the poem, I think paradoxically repetition, all of which should not be discarded, creates a dramatic sound, rather than a droning instead.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

I have been writing various full length stories on LIT for some time, but I have now attempted to write a short Non-erotic poem( or should that be verse?) either way I have never written a poem in my life before but I am curious if anyone would care to read this attempt at a poem/verse and let me know what they think.


Well here it is:

***********

I Don’t care

I try to make it through my life.
In my way is you.
I try to make it through these lies.
That's all I can do.

Just don't deny it.
Just don't deny it, just deal with it.
Just deal with it.

You are trying to break me.
You want to break me, bit by bit.
That's just part of it isn’t it?

If you were dead or alive?
I don't care, I just don't care anymore.

I have tried to make you see my side.
But your eyes see right through me.
That's all they do.
I'm really tired of this shit.
I have no room when it gets like this.
I can't do what you want of me.
So just deal with it.

There is nothing left to care about.
Nothing I can care about.
It's obvious you aren't here anymore.

But even if you were alive or dead?
I just don't care anymore.
All those things you said, all those things you did.
And all those things you left behind.

I don't care, I just don't care anymore.

Goodbye.


*****

Thank you to anyone that reads this thread.

Regards

Poizon69

Are you looking for critique? because if you are you could try not making every line a sentence which slows down the 'flow' of the poem i.e

I've tried to make you see my side
but your eyes see right through me,
that's all they do;
I'm really tired of this shit
and have no room when it gets like this,
I can't do what you want of me
so just deal with it.

Not sure if the first line of the last stanza reads as a question but that may just be me