My 1st submission

[Guest]

Hi,
I've been around LIT for a while and enjoy reading all types of work.
I like to write stories too but I never seem to finish them....
I also enjoyed writing poems (maybe limerick is a better term) but I haven't written one in many years. I have recently become motivated.

Why I'm posting??
I have a new poem, in a modern style, that I'd like some feedback on.
If anyone is interested, I would sincerely appreciate some feedback.
If easier for the community, I can post it here or PM me and I'll send to you.

Thank you,
FindmeinNH

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Hi FindmeinNH and welcome if you post your poem here I am sure you will get some feedback

 

[butters]

welcome! and post away

 

[EroticOrogeny]

Welcome and please post! PM is much like email and sort of demands a response right away (or else disappears in the inbox). With a post can take one's time, and often nice to see what others say.

 

[Guest]

Thanks everyone!!!
Here is a "final draft"....I've reworked it a bit and also received friendly "suggestions" from a couple of experienced writer friends.
I have thick skin so I won't be offended if the feedback is constructive.

The Animal Within

Oh, my precious little creature; my aching muse.
Your words, they stalk me, like prey.
Yes, like him, you too are a beast of the land.
Your words, they burn my eyes, awakening him.

He comes alive; the other me, the animal within.
He knows the intent of your words.
He knows you are baiting me, to your will.
He whispers to me.

"Don't listen, her words, they betray her facade of submission."

He fears my weaknesses.
He fears your words will overpower my will.
He fears that I will succumb to you.
His fears are unfounded, I will not; I never have.

We stand alone in the cold room, staring.
His reflection melts away, ever so slowly.
The cold gray eyes warm to blue.
Before he leaves, he smiles, knowing.
I see myself again, naked, throbbing, tortured.​

 

[EroticOrogeny]

FindmeinNH, this is a quite interesting perspective. Aconversation with your muse, who seems to be at least somewhat external about your beast within.
Overall I enjoyed reading it. A couple of things here and there, though.
In the 2nd line, would perhaps 'they stalk me, their prey' be stronger than 'they stalk me, like prey'? I often find that netaphor has more impact than simile.
Whose cold gray eyes? - his, hers, yours?
I'm sure you'll get more feedback.

 

[Guest]

EO,
Thanks,
I'll look at that 2nd line again.

The beast's eyes are gray, mine are blue.
I have been told my eyes are "steely gray" and my look can be icy cold....
I wasn't sure how to fold that image in here.....
It was suggested (and I agree) that using the words "once again" wasn't needed since it was in the last line...

- Our cold, gray eyes warm to blue.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

At first I couldn't quite equate a 'precious little creature' as being something capable of stalking but then I thought well women for all their softness can be just as deadly!
Could possibly flow better if you don't make each line a sentence in itself i.e

Oh, my precious little creature; my aching muse,
your words, they stalk me, like prey.
Yes, like him, you too are a beast of the land
they burn my eyes, awakening him.


He fears my weaknesses,
and words will overpower my will

 

[butters]

hiya

as UYS has already suggested, using a period at the end of each line breaks this up a little too harshly. Poetry is not the same animal as prose, and you can allow the line breaks to work for you, creating pauses where you want your reader to stop and consider the weight of a particular thought you're trying to convey. That's not to say never use a period, unless that's the style your poem adopts. Obviously it doesn't here, so - perhaps - instead of periods, simple commas or semi-colons might be applicable in some instances. I suppose the periods might been seen to reflect the tightness, the control being imposed by the voice in the poem, but it stills feels like overkill to me.

As EO mentioned, 'like' is a little weak there in L2, though I very much like L4.

I'd really like to see you do something with this:

We stand alone in the cold room, staring.
His reflection melts away, ever so slowly.
The cold gray eyes warm to blue.

Repetitions can be used to good effect, but unless they add to the phrases then they all too often work in reverse and weaken them, as I feel they have here. Having said that, I am right with the image you're creating, and like it; if you could only find some better way of saying cold room or cold grey eyes ... the trouble is, each works for me individually, it's just that rep of cold i'm having problems with. I'd probably hang on to cold room and see where I might do something better with the eyes part, using elements of your 'steel' or 'ice', but without making that line too heavy with the descriptives.

edited to add: 'ever so slowly' ... doesn't do it for me. i want to see it rather than be told that's how it happens.

 

[Guest]

EO, UYS, Chipbuddy,

I am blown away and sincerely grateful for your encouragement and very sound advice.
Thank you for articulating so constructively; much of what was mentioned was itching at me, but I couldn't put my finger on it. I'll rework the punctuation, as suggested, and revisit those lines.

One question:
I feel it may be too short, meaning I think I need to build up the coming out with another stanza....Am I over-thinking it?

 

[EroticOrogeny]

EO, UYS, Chipbuddy,

I am blown away and sincerely grateful for your encouragement and very sound advice.
Thank you for articulating so constructively; much of what was mentioned was itching at me, but I couldn't put my finger on it. I'll rework the punctuation, as suggested, and revisit those lines.

One question:
I feel it may be too short, meaning I think I need to build up the coming out with another stanza....Am I over-thinking it?

I don't think its too short. There may be more than you need in the 3rd stanza about fears. I thought about that last night but didn't mention it since trimming would throw off the balance.

 

[wildsweetone]

I have thick skin so I won't be offended if the feedback is constructive.

i may have completely misread the poem, and i apologise up front for that and will come back tomorrow and relook at what i've written, but i wanted to jot down a few notes first. it's been a while since i did a critique and i hope you don't mind me sharing my thoughts on your poem. they are meant in kindness and i am learning myself as i write my thoughts down, thank you for letting me do this...


1. i think it is important to remember when centering a poem that the words at the beginning of the line hold almost as much importance as the words at the end of the line. in this instance, i feel that there are too many repetitions at the beginning, too many good chances of further impact, missed.

2. too many 'sentences'. it makes the poem sound choppy. i prefer a poem that flows and reads smoothly (don't get me wrong, choppy has it's place, but i don't think it works well in this instance).

3. a little too wordy. it isn't in 2010 language. some phrases seem like poetry of centuries ago but doesn't have the poetic phrasing that helps keep that era alive today, so i feel it loses impact to say 'Oh my precious...'. another thought is to clear out some of the extra adjectives 'precious', 'little' and 'aching' - three in just the first line is probably two, or even three, too many.

4. in the first stanza, who is the prey, the lyrical subject or the words?

5. on the first read, in the first stanza it seems unclear who and how many subjects there are and what exactly each is doing. in my opinion the first stanza is where clarity is most needed in order to keep the reader's attention. all stanzas should be clean and clear, but particularly the first.

6. S1, L3 - who is 'him'? i understand the creature is the LS's muse, therefore who is the 'him' that is being referred to?


i will come back tomorrow and see if you find this critique so far, helpful or not.

 

[Guest]

Keep it coming!

WS1,
Thanks you for your feedback it is very constructive and quite helpful.
I'll re-read your post later and reply with more information/clarification (hopefully in a revised version).

 

[wildsweetone]

sorry but i've run out of day today. will check in again tomorrow or on the weekend. glad you found it useful.

 

[Guest]

Hello again,
Here is a revised version.
Flail away!

Within

My precious little creature ,my adored, my muse;
Your words, penned for only me; stalk and prey on my venerability.
They burn my eyes, stirring him to life; I must retreat.

The intent of your words has awakened him, the other me, the animal within.
He knows they bait me to ‘your’ will; tempting me to release desire.
With an icy, dark stare the reflection morphs and he whispers:

"Don't listen! These words, they betray her facade of submission."

He knows and fears my weakness; surrendering to flesh, unabashed.
Knows your words will overpower all resolve; taking myself, in your name.
His fears are unfounded, I will not displease him; I never have.

We stand alone, his reflection melts from within, slowly.
Before he leaves, he smiles at me knowingly, authoritatively.
I find myself alone, at last; naked, throbbing, tortured.​

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Still keeping to every line a sentence and beginning with a capital letter then. Look at it this way when you read a book is every line a sentence? and if it was wouldn't that make it a choppy read. I've tried reading this without your full stops (periods if you're US) and it reads much better without them. Will get back to you on the rest but that's the first thing that struck me

 

[champagne1982]

venerability -- The quality of commanding respect by virtue of age, dignity, character, or position. Is this really what you mean or is it a typo of vulnerability -- Susceptible to physical or emotional injury.

 

[EroticOrogeny]

I think this is much improved, starting with the title.
I'm sure Champ's observation is correct - I read it as vulnerability.

 

[Guest]

Edited for re-use...


FOR J....

Again...I didn't write this but was curious if a couple type thing was what you might be interested....


Mike and I started getting undressed as quickly as we could. I pulled my boxers over my swollen cock and waited for my workmate, Mike, to finish undressing. His cock was bigger than mine, but not by much. He approached the bed and my wife as she lay there, and Angel pulled apart my wife's legs and offered her husband encouragement. He entered her in one quick thrust and began fucking her for all he was worth. My wife was like a dishrag lying there, but when she felt Mike's cock go deep inside her, I knew she would come back to life pretty quickly.

I climbed up and put my cock to her lips as she moaned an 'oh'. After a few days of not coming, I wanted to put myself out of my misery and come in her mouth as fast as I could. I grabbed her head from behind and pulled her down on my cock. She has always been able to take me all the way and I reveled in her doing that to me. I generally fuck her mouth a few times deep like that, then come down her throat. At the same time, I watched Mike fuck my wife. Despite her recent gushing orgasm, she was as active as I had ever seen her. I was as close as I ever had been to coming. I was feeling it deep in my depths.

Just then, Angel kissed me full on the lips and reached down and grabbed my cock. She gently inserted it into my wife's mouth, bringing me to a crawl. She kept kissing me while she gently stroked my cock into my wife's mouth. Angel's breasts were rubbing up against my chest lightly and I could feel how hard her nipples were as she kept caressing my cock.

I pulled out of my wife's mouth, pulled my lips away from my lover's kiss and quietly said to Angel, "Please, baby, let me come. I need to come so bad. Please let me fuck her mouth."

Angel whispered back at me, "No." Then she squeezed my cock and kissed me again.

I moaned. I knew what Angel was doing for my wife. I understood, but I wanted so desperately to place my own needs above hers. Reluctantly, I slowed down.

Angel released her lips from mine, took her hand off my cock, came up behind Mike, lightly touched him and whispered, "Slow down, baby. I know you want to come, but make her feel good first. It won't take long."

To both of us she said, "You both took care of me in a certain way. I want the same for your wife, Ed. So, slow the fuck down both of you and do what she wants."

There was a stream of pre-cum that linked my cock to my wife's mouth, I broke the string and put it in her mouth. My heart was pounding against my chest, and call it passion or lust, whatever it is, it was building inside me and I wanted to take care of it. Angel made it clear my wife was to be taken care of first.

I said to Angel, "What do you want me to do?"

She replied, "Remember what you did to me? She wants that, Ed. She wants you in her arse while Mike takes her fanny."

I giggled a little, mentally translating English to English: arse to ass and fanny to cunt.

Angel smiled at me and said, "OK, OK, Ed. She wants it in her ass while Mike takes her pussy. Is that better understood?"

Her good natured poke at me took the sexual tension out of the air. Angel said to Mike, "Roll over, get on your back, grab your cock, but don't you dare wank it."

To my wife she said, "Climb on top of him, wrap yourself around his cock. And hold it there. I want to watch it go in you."

My wife did as she was told. I was watching her; her face was flushed and I could tell by her actions that she wanted to ride Mike's large cock.

She told Angel, "I'm going to fuck this big cock while you get Ed ready for my ass."

She was slowly going up and down on his cock. Her pussy was making the length of it wet and as she went up his cock the second time there were little gobs of cum oozing out of her.

She looked down at Mike. "You came, didn't you, you bad boy?"

He moaned and she went all the way down on his cock.

"Can you keep it hard for me? That's the good boy. Keep it in me. Keep it hard baby," she told him as she wiggled on his cock.

Angel had lubed up my cock and I thought I was going to come all over her, but she gave it a squeeze and said, "Not on me, baby. You need to fuck her in her arse. I'll help you."

Angel said to my wife, "Open your arse for Ed, you want it right now don't you? You want his hard cock in your arse? I know how good it felt in me and you want it now, don't you? Tell me what you want?"

She grabbed her ass cheeks and pulled them apart. I could see her pussy filled with Mike's cock. I was standing at the edge of the bed and Angel grabbed my dick and put it at the opening of my wife's tight little anus. I shoved it all the way in her and began to fuck. It wasn't going to take me long to come in her ass. She began pounding back on my cock as I thrust it forward.

She started to come again and got vocal about it.

"I can't believe it... this is so good... I love the feel of your cock in my ass... Mike is so big in my pussy. I love being filled up like this... I want to come all over your dicks. Fuck me. Fuck me hard. Mike, thrust into my cunt, I know you can do it, baby, I know you can. Fuck my ass, Ed, fuck it hard."

Angel was behind me, holding me close and helping me thrust into my wife, she was rubbing her hands on my chest and kissing me. She reached underneath us and squeezed my balls and held them while I fucked my wife in the ass. Then she slipped a well-lubed finger in my ass.

Instantly, I came in my wife's ass.

I started screaming, "Holy fuck. Holy fuck! I am coming so hard. My dick is in your ass, she has a finger in my ass and I am coming. I can't believe how much I am coming in your ass. Can you feel it? Can you feel my come?"

I pulled out of my wife and staggered over to the chair in the corner of the bedroom. My wife climbed off of Mike and just lay there in post-orgasmic bliss. Mike looked spent just lying there.

Angel came back in the bedroom from outside, clapped her hands and said to all of us, "Oh no you don't. You're not going to sleep on me. Rise and shine, campers. Let's go."

She pulled me to my feet and dragged me through the door to the outdoor shower, which was running full blast. I definitely needed a shower, and realistically, the night was still young. If the combination of Angel, a shower and a dip in the pool didn't bring me back, then nothing would.

As I washed my hair, I could see Angel in the bedroom coaxing Mike and my wife to get up and hop in the master suite shower. They finally did and sauntered off. As they entered the bath area of the master suite, I saw Mike put a hand on my wife's ass and then she did the same with him. My guess is that they were going to have a bit of fun together.

I love taking a shower outside under the moon and the stars and then going for a midnight naked swim. I was just about to lather myself up with the soap, when Angel came outside and joined me under the water.

She took the soap from my hand and told me, "Here, let me do that."

She turned me around and washed my back, then my ass, focusing on the spot where she had recently had her fingers. She lingered there and I thought she was going to do it again to me, but she didn't. She turned me around so my back was being rinsed off and then she scrubbed me from head to toe, leaving my semi-hard penis for last. She lathered up the soap in her hands, then set the soap on the shelf in the shower. Pulling me to the side, she let the water rush over the both of us and cleaned my cock.

I bent down to kiss her and she kissed me back; her full lips feeling spectacular against mine. She slipped her tongue into my mouth and moaned as she worked her magic fingers on my dick, bringing it back to life.

What a night! I was under the stars, taking a shower and necking with a spectacularly mysterious sensual British woman. Her body felt hot next to mine, her breasts rubbing up against my chest with every breath we took; her fingers hot on my cock. She released me from my kiss, let go of my penis and turned the water off.

As she handed me a bath robe, she said to me, "Let's take a swim, lover. The night is still young."

The night air was warm and the difference in temperature in our heated pool made a little bit of steam rise from the pool. I put the bathrobe over my arm and stood there dumfounded as she dove into the pool. The steam rising just above the pool highlighted her lithe body as she began swimming freestyle. I could see her sweet ass above and her large breasts just below the surface of the crystal blue water. The lights in the pool cast a shadow of her on the screen of the cage that enclosed the pool. I was in awe.

Angel swam a few laps, completely oblivious to me and anything else but the pool. She then touched the end of the pool in the shallow end, stood up and said to me, "Don't just stand there gawking like a teenager, get in the pool and swim with me."

I stared at her breasts and the water dripping onto them from her hair. Dropping the bathrobe right there and walking down the steps into the pool, I came up to Angel and kissed her, slipping my tongue past her luscious lips and into her mouth. I put my hands on her ass and pulled her close to me. She wrapped her long legs around my waist and I kiss-walked her across the pool - back and forth from shallow end to deep end and again. I reached up and caressed her breast. The nipple was protruding and hard; her nipple ring felt cool in my hand, and I tweaked her nipple to make it harder as our kiss became deeper.

I felt the familiar rush of blood to my cock; it was rising with the passion that we were feeling. I reached behind her with my other hand and squeezed her firm, tight bum. She moaned a little moan into my mouth and ground her pussy on my pubic bone. I switched hands, caressing her other breast and feeling her other cheek. She slowly rubbed herself against me some more. We were taking it slow and easy and I was definitely in the deep end with my Angel.

We came back to the shallow end where she let her legs drop, and released herself from our embrace. She walked up the stairs to the bathrobe that was lying there, picked it up and spread it out. Then she lay down on the outstretched robe, her pussy was at the edge of the pool. I walked up to her and she put her legs over my shoulders, straddling my head. Her shaved pussy looked delectable and beautiful. Her pussy lips were glistening with moistness. I remembered that she had eaten my wife, and watched as Mike and I ravaged her in both her holes. Angel hadn't had any satisfaction from us, yet.

I didn't have to be told what to do, but I made her tell me anyway.

"Lick me, Ed. I want you to eat me."

I knew what she wanted and I could sense and smell that she wanted it bad. Her musk and pheromones were oozing from her hot wet pussy. I fought the urge to dive right into her hot sweet muff, and began by kissing the inside of her left knee. Then I licked her there. She let out a small moan.

"Please, Ed. Please eat my pussy. I need it," she asked.

I licked up the inside of her thigh, taking my time. I could feel the heat emanating from her pussy. It was hot and wet and I could see the moisture forming on her labia. I continued my slow journey up the inside of her thigh. Her muscles were taut and her pussy was anticipating my tongue's arrival. I kept going higher and higher. I was waist deep in the water and my cock was starting to get hard. I arrived at her pussy and kissed the top of it, right above her hood and clit.

"Now, Ed. Please. Please eat me now," she was begging me.

I kissed the inside of her right thigh - the soft, sensitive spot where her pussy and leg met. Then I began a slow lick down the right leg, kissing her softly between each tongue movement. I arrived at her knee and kissed the inside of it, then licked it again.

"Goddamit, Ed. That's enough of the tease. Please eat me. I need to come," she demanded as she put her hands to her pussy.

I grabbed her wrists and pulled them from her hot wet cunt.

"No, baby. You can wait until I am good and ready to eat your pussy," I told her.

I kissed and licked the inside of both of her thighs, alternating from right to left. I inhaled and could smell the sweetness of her pussy. It was heavenly and I could barely wait until I put my tongue in her and savored her sweet nectar. I reached my destination, kissed the top of her pussy again and then her labia. I stuck my tongue out and licked her lips down there, tasting her, licking her from top to bottom without touching her clit.

"What do you want?" I asked her.

"I want you to lick me and suck my cunny. I want you to finger me until I cum all over your face. I want it now." Her husky voice was barely above a whisper.

Her eyes were closed and her legs were tight, still wrapped around my shoulders and neck.

Out of the corner of my eye, I caught sight of my wife and Mike as they came out onto the lanai from the master bedroom. I watched them as I licked Angel's pussy. They each had a robe draped over them, but both robes were fully open exposing their nakedness. They were flushed, and had that just scrubbed, just fucked look to them. They each pulled up a chaise lounge and sat there watching.

I knew that Angel was a gusher - I had seen videos of her doing it - so I inserted my fingers into her pussy as I began sucking on her swollen clit. I finger fucked her for the four of us, but mostly for her. I wanted to have her gush all over my face.

She was biting on her hand and with her other hand, she was pinching her nipple. I reached up and began squeezing her other nipple and pulling on it. She moaned a bit into her hand. I took that to mean she liked what I was doing.

Mike said, "Increase the speed of the finger fucking, mate. She's close. After she comes, pull your fingers out and she will gush all over you."

My wife pulled out a small digital camera from the pocket of her robe and was taking pictures with one hand, and with the other she was stroking Mike's cock. He slid his hand up my wife's leg and slipped two fingers into her pussy.

I kept sucking on Angel's clit and began furiously finger fucking her. I was thrusting three fingers into her steaming wet hot pussy and her legs were wrapped tight around my head. I was sucking harder and harder as my fingers went in her deeper and deeper. I could feel how tight she was. She kept squeezing my head between her thighs and her pussy was dripping and contracting against my fingers. She was biting on her hand to keep herself from screaming.

Mike was offering his encouragement. "Let it go, baby. I want to watch you gush all over his face. Let it out, make yourself cum, baby. I love watching another man eat your pussy."

I was totally focused on sucking her clit and fingering her cunt. I got my pinky finger in her and now I was finger fucking her with all of my fingers. I kept tweaking her nipple and I could feel she was ready to cum. Her legs squeezed my head tight and stayed there and I felt the moisture building up in her pussy.

Angel released her legs from my head and gave a loud groan. I pulled my face and hand away from her pussy and she sprayed her luscious juice all over me. I was drenched. She kept gushing. She spurted a couple more times and then collapsed in a heap on the laid out robe.

I dunked my head under the water, got out of the pool and lay next to Angel. I kissed her on the lips, then whispered in her ear, "Baby, that was incredible."

I heard my wife say, "Oh my god, that was so hot. I am so glad I put it on video at the end."

Mike said, "Goddam, Ed, that was awesome. I think you need to take care of her."

My wife got up from the chaise lounge, still stroking Mike's cock. She said to us, "I think we all need to take care of her."

Mike and my wife walked over to where we were. My wife took my hand and Mike took his wife's hand and they pulled us up. Angel was now a bundle of energy and she reached down and grabbed my cock.

"This one I want in my pussy," she declared.

"And this one I want in my mouth," she told us as she grabbed Mike's cock.

"And you, little lady, I want you to take care of my breasts," she told my wife.

We opened the sliding glass doors and entered the bedroom from the lanai. Angel jumped on the king size bed and spread out in the middle of it. I don't have to be told what to do twice, so I climbed up on the bed and put my cock in her pussy, just as she had demanded. She was tight and it was the wettest pussy I had ever been in. Mike quickly took the head of the bed and put his large cock in Angel's mouth as my wife began to gently caress her breasts and suck on her nipples - alternating between each one.

I had my cock in her and she positioned herself so that my cock was in her deep and hitting her g-spot. She began writhing on my cock and was pulling Mike's dick deep down her throat. I couldn't believe how much she could take in her mouth. It was all the way in her. I fucked her hard and watched my wife suck on Angel's spectacular luscious breasts -- she was pulling on the nipple with her teeth, making sure it was long, distended and had a little bit of pain in the pleasure.

It couldn't have been more than 30 seconds later, when Angel pulled Mike out of her mouth, clenched her pussy around my cock, and gently pushed me away. I pulled out of her pussy and another outpouring came out. I had just pulled out and she grabbed my ass and pulled me back in to her hot sopping wet cunt.

She moaned directions at us. "Fuck me, Ed. Keep on fucking me until I am spent. Put that big hard cock in my mouth again, Mike. And don't you dare cum in my mouth. And I want to feel your pussy."

We continued like we had the first time. My cock was deep in her and I could feel her hot bundle of nerves on my cock. Mike fucked his wife's mouth and my wife got up on the bed so that Angel could feel her wetness. My wife leaned back into me and started kissing me. I kept up the pace of fucking furiously. Angel inserted two fingers into my wife's pussy. My wife straightened up to allow better access and began a rhythmic dance on Angel's fingers.

I could feel Angel's cunt tense up again. Instinctively, I pulled out and she gushed again - this time with Mike still in her mouth and her fingers deep in my wife's cunt. I had never been with someone who gushed before and it was delicious. At first, I didn't know what to expect, but it was something that was almost indescribable - watching someone come so intensely from fucking was spectacular. And I was the one making it happen.

I was soaking wet with her pussy cum all over me. I pushed my cock in her again and again and again. I didn't know how long I was going to last. In the video that I had seen of her, she gushed 5 or 6 times in the matter of a few minutes. I knew I had to last a couple more times. It was difficult watching my wife and Mike and fucking Angel at the same time. I had one of those diamond cutter cocks and it felt bigger and thicker than my usual seven and a half inches.

Mike pulled his cock out his wife's mouth and put it into my wife's mouth. He began stroking it up and down as she pulled him closer. This gave me and Angel a great view of our spouses. He was ready to come and was going to dump another load in my wife's mouth. And my wife was coming from the finger fucking Angel was giving her.

I pulled out one more time and Angel rewarded me with one more spurt.

I watched as Mike stroked his hard cock into my wife's mouth. She loves the taste of my cum and I knew she wanted another man coming in her mouth. He stopped stroking his cock and pushed it a little deeper in my wife's mouth. He arched his back and spurted his sperm down my wife's throat.



Mike shouted, "Oh my god. I love it. Take my cum. Holy shit. I am coming so hard. Swallow it all, baby, swallow my cum."

It was all I could take - fucking a hot woman while watching my wife suck Mike's cock and swallow his cum. I began fucking Angel harder and harder. I needed to come. I needed to pour my cum into her hot wet cunt.

"I am going to come. I need to come in your hot cunt. Oh fuck. That is so fucking hot. I love your cunt and now I am going to come," I told my Angel.

I came in her and kept my cock deep. She squeezed my cock with her cunt and she was on the verge of coming again. My cock was so sensitive; I didn't think I could stand it another second. She pushed me back and gushed one last time. This time her cum was mixed with mine. She was spent.

I was a mess, but I didn't care. I climbed up to Angel, lay down next to her on the bed and kissed her. Then Mike kissed her and lay down; keeping room for my wife on the big king sized bed.

My wife climbed in between Mike and Angel and whispered to her, "That was the most fantastic sex I have ever had. This whole night has been amazing."

The girls took showers while we men tidied up the room. We took the sheets off the bed and threw them in the washing machine, put fresh clean sheets on the bed -- arranging the pillows just so -- and set things up for the morning when we woke.

Mike went into the guest bathroom to take his bed-time shower and I walked into our master suite to take mine. Two stunning women greeted me, wrapped in bath towels, brushing their hair at the double-sink vanity. I was still completely naked and went into the linen closet to pull out a clean towel for myself.

The girls were just giggling and had Cheshire cat grins on their faces.

"What?" I asked. "What are you up to?"

"Nothing," they replied.

"Nothing, my ass. Is there something on me?"

"No," my wife responded. "You're OK. Now get in the shower. And don't you dare come to bed all wet."

"You either," I responded and hopped in the shower.

A few minutes later I was finished and turned the shower off. I heard my wife and Angel say their good-nights. I finished toweling off, pulled on a pair of gym shorts and walked into our master bedroom.

I got a bit of a surprise to see both Angel and my wife cuddling in the middle of the bed together, my wife on my side of the bed. They looked at me and giggled.

"Um...help me out here girls. Are you kicking me out? Do I have to sleep in the other guest room?"

"No, silly," my wife responded. "You're sleeping right here," she said patting the bed next to her.

"OK. And where is Mike sleeping? By himself?"

Angel responded, "no, Ed. Mike is sleeping right here next to me."

"Hmmmm....I think I am going to like this."

"Yes. You are, love. Now take off those shorts and get in this bed right now," my wife told me.

I quickly complied, the girls staring at my cock, as I took my shorts off and climbed into bed next to my wife.

Mike entered the room just seconds later. He was standing there naked with a sly grin on his face.

He said as he lay down next to Angel, "this just keeps on getting better and better."

We kissed our spouses good night and then the girls faced each other and French kissed passionately. I went to sleep a happy man.

I woke up before my wife as I usually do. She was on her side, still facing Angel and sleeping peacefully. Her mouth was opened slightly and her breathing was deep. I looked over at Angel. She was facing my wife with the same look of sleepy contentment on her face.

I resisted the temptation to wake her up to make love to my wife right there. Mike and I had made other plans. I surreptitiously got out of the bed and pulled the top sheet and blanket down off of my wife. She was still sound asleep. Mike felt the rustling of the bed covers and quickly and silently got up and pulled the covers off of Angel. The two women were side by side stark naked lying in our bed.

I gently pulled my wife's top leg over and spread her legs out just little. I pushed the other leg softly to have her spread out a little more. She slowly moved in a dreamlike state. Her legs were now open enough for me to see her trimmed pussy. Mike was mirroring my moves. In a little more than a minute we had both of our wives' pussies laid out in front of us.

We dove in. There was nothing subtle about it. I started licking my wife's pussy from bottom to top. She was still asleep, but instinctively spread her legs out a little more for me. She moved her arms a little and when she did she touched Angel.

Mike was licking his wife just the way he knew she liked it. I was focused on my wife, so I didn't watch a whole lot. I could hear little moans escaping from both of the girls and looked up a little to see what was going on. The were lying side by side and they were holding hands, their faces still inches from each other. I could sense that they were still in that state of dreaming or wondering if they were dreaming.

Angel woke up first -- her eyes slowly opening -- she looked down sleepily at Mike who grinned at her with his eyes. She began slowly bucking against him and then looked over at my wife. Angel kissed her full on the lips and began caressing her breasts.

"Wake up, sleepy head, the boys are eating us," Angel said to my wife, her voice sounded lustful.

I licked my wife again and then I started sucking on her clit.

"Mmmmmmmm... I like that," she told me as if I she was still dreaming.

The girls both lay back, with their heads against the pillows and we continued to eat them. The juices were flowing from my wife's cunt and I continued to go from licking to sucking, the way she likes it. I licked her pussy and it was sweet tasting from the fresh shower from the night before and the long night filled with sexy dreams. It wasn't going to take her long to come and it was only a matter of a few minutes before I recognized it was time for me to suck her clit.

Mike was busy eating Angel at the same time. He was lovingly licking her - he would start at her arse and continue licking upward until he got to her clit, then he would do it again. Over and over and over. Then he started focusing on licking just her pussy, then flicked he tongue on her clit like a little jack hammer.

My wife spread her legs out as wide as they could go and they were now intertwined with Angel's. With one hand, she grabbed my head and pulled it tight against her cunt. I sucked her little love button harder. She grabbed Angel's hand and squeezed it tight. She closed her eyes, arched her back and began a low moan. Her legs were rigid and sticking straight up in the air. Her pussy was writhing against my face. I put my hands on her butt and pulled her even closer.

Angel's head was rocking from side to side as Mike continued to lick and suck on her pussy. She was more vocal. She started moaning, then she began talking to Mike telling him exactly what to do.

"Suck me, baby. Suck my clit, I am so close. Pinch my nipples, make them hard. Lick it, lick it again, now suck me suck my clit. Lick it. Now suck it. I am coming. Oh my god. Oh fuck. Suck me, baby, suck me...."

A moan escaped from her mouth and she released and relaxed. Mike climbed up next to her and began to kiss her, first on her breasts, then he moved up to her lips.

My wife was next. She lowered her pussy and her legs and began moaning. Her butt muscles were tight in my hands, her whole body went rigid and her pussy was dripping wet all over my chin. I knew she was coming.

"Please, baby, stop. Please. I am so sensitive. Baby, you have to stop. Please. I'm begging you."

I kept eating her through her come. She pulled away from me and I climbed up to her.

"Lick my face, lover," I said to my wife. "This is what you taste like."

We heard the coffee maker go off and the teakettle was whistling. Mike and I hopped off the bed simultaneously, grabbed our gym shorts, kissed our wives on the cheeks and turned to head off to the kitchen.

"Hey. Where are you guys going?" my wife called out to us as we exited the bedroom. "Neither one of you is done yet."

 

[Guest]

Thanks

Still keeping to every line a sentence and beginning with a capital letter then. Look at it this way when you read a book is every line a sentence? and if it was wouldn't that make it a choppy read. I've tried reading this without your full stops (periods if you're US) and it reads much better without them. Will get back to you on the rest but that's the first thing that struck me

Thank you for your input.
Here is a version without punctuation....what if any punctuation should remain?

Within

My precious little creature ,my adored, my muse
your words, penned for only me; stalk and prey on my vulnerability
they burn my eyes, stirring him to life; I must retreat

the intent of your words has awakened him, the other me, the animal within
he knows they bait me to ‘your’ will; tempting me to release desire
with an icy, dark stare the reflection morphs and he whispers

"don't listen, these words, they betray her facade of submission"

he knows and fears my weakness; surrendering to flesh, unabashed
knows your words will overpower all resolve; taking myself, in your name
his fears are unfounded, I will not displease him; I never have

we stand alone, his reflection melts from within, slowly
before he leaves, he smiles at me knowingly, authoritatively
I find myself alone, at last; naked, throbbing, tortured​

 

[EroticOrogeny]

You may want some periods and caps - see where you have sentences.
Each stanza seems to be a new sentence, and that's how I see your last line.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Sorry I will get back to been rather busy also it's hard for me to put the punctuation as I see it because I can't centre your poem

 

[Guest]

one more try

Back to the shorter lines.
This may be it!!!


Within

My precious creature, my muse
the words, penned for me
stalk and prey on my vulnerability

They burn my eyes
stirring him to life
tempting my desires release

Awakened by words intent
the other me, the animal within
I must retreat.

With an icy, dark stare
my reflection morphs
he whispers

"Don't listen, the words betray her facade of submission"

He fears my weaknesses
surrendering to flesh, unabashed
taking myself, in your name

His fears are unfounded
I will not displease him
I never have!

We stand alone staring
reflection slowly melts from within
he smiles knowingly, authoritatively

Alone at last; naked, throbbing, tortured.

 

[kyrie1595]

in my humble opinion....

...this adaptation is the best. Although i am not a poet, i feel this version describes the emotion one is feeling. i personally can't say if this could be tweaked much more and still keep the value that you've managed to convey.

Keep up the work. i've heard it gets easier over time. ~smiles softly~

Back to the shorter lines.
This may be it!!!


Within

My precious creature, my muse
the words, penned for me
stalk and prey on my vulnerability

They burn my eyes
stirring him to life
tempting my desires release

Awakened by words intent
the other me, the animal within
I must retreat.

With an icy, dark stare
my reflection morphs
he whispers

"Don't listen, the words betray her facade of submission"

He fears my weaknesses
surrendering to flesh, unabashed
taking myself, in your name

His fears are unfounded
I will not displease him
I never have!

We stand alone staring
reflection slowly melts from within
he smiles knowingly, authoritatively

Alone at last; naked, throbbing, tortured.

 

[Guest]

Thank you Kyrie.
Thank you everyone!
If anyone is interested, I can post the short story/email that inspired this poem?
Or I can keep it for us, alone (the animal and me!)

...this adaptation is the best. Although i am not a poet, i feel this version describes the emotion one is feeling. i personally can't say if this could be tweaked much more and still keep the value that you've managed to convey.

Keep up the work. i've heard it gets easier over time. ~smiles softly~