Multiple Submissives

[MelancholyBaby]

Greetings all,

A few months ago I met a wonderful Dominant and over time we have developed a promising relationship. I could go on and on about him but the important thing is that I really do care about him and we are planning on meeting early next year. He is very honestly the first man I have ever really felt submissive to and he invests a great deal of time into me, helping me grow sexually, intellectually, emotionally, etc; in essence he nurtures me in all areas. He has expressed that he has feelings for me as well and I think we are both interested in making this into something real and meaningful.

He has been totally honest with me about himself and thus he told me that he has other submissives in his life now and will continue to. I've known this since day one. I wasn't sure if I could handle it but I told myself I would see where things go and if things did indeed get more serious I would deal with it then. Well...I think it's time to deal with it, at least a little.

I've tried to think really hard about this. I know I am a jealous person. It's not a personality trait I desire by any means, it's something I would prefer to be rid of entirely. But I think that expression of jealousy can be a function of a lot of things so in the right circumstances I think I could be in control of that. But I guess I'm trying to figure out why I would be jealous, why I would have a hard time accepting the other women in his life.

I guess I am writing here to see if anyone else (Dom or sub) has been involved in a situation like this and what thoughts/musings they can offer. Doms...is it possible that you can really love/treasure one sub yet have others? If you have more than one subs what is the dynamic and is jealousy/rivalry an issue? And subs...have you been in this situation and can you share your thoughts with me about this?

In conclusion my worry may seem premature. But the fact is that I am now communicating with another of his for various reasons...and that's kind of made me realize that this is going to be a major issue in our relationship. And I kind of feel I owe it to him to really examine myself and my feelings on this issue...could I be one instead of the only one?

Thanking you in advance,
Melanie

 

[CutieMouse]

I'm on my way to bed, but I wanted to take a second to suggest you start researching polyamory. Do a google search- I know there used to be a website with message boards a few years ago.

I've seen a lot of BDSM relationships where there is a Dom or Domme with several submissives/slaves mentioned online. and there are a few people in such situations on the boards. Hopefully they'll be able to disucss things a bit with you.

The Ethical Slut isa good place to start, when it comes to researching polyamory- it will at least give you something to think about, so you have the language necessary to discuss the situation.

 

[LadyAria]

I understand your concern. Just like you can love and treasure more then one offspring, a Dominant can care for and nuture more then one submissive. There is always a balance in a relationship regardless of the number of people involved. Your relationship with your Dominant is unique regardless of the number of subs he takes on. Also, many subs find a comfort in the closeness of the relationship they develop with the other submissives by the shared experience, love and responsiblity. Polyamorist relationship can be a beautiful thing if well care for by a strong Dominant and committed subs.

 

[@}-}rebecca----]

You sound very level headed , aware of your own needs and genuine, your portrayal of your Dominant sheds equal light on him in a very positive manner.

There will be many opinions offered here to you.

I offer the only one I believe relevant.

'Talk to him'..........tell him every niggling concern or avalanche of fear on the topic. Take your time and do it with 100% honesty and respect. Only the answers you find together or the guidance he offers to contend with any ongoing concerns will resolve this for you.

Be Well

 

[myinnerslut]

for me, having to share my Sir with other subs would be very very difficult, and would probably erode away at our relationship. as a jelouse person myself, i understand your worries that you wont be able to handle the situation in a way that you would like. if you feel like you would be unable to function properly if your Dom had other subs, then dont be ashamed or upset with yourself, some people just have to be in monogomous relationships to be happy. if you decided that you will be able to function in that type of relationship, then good for you! above all, i think rebecca has the right idea. you need to sit down and talk with your dom about how you are feeling.

 

[Marquis]

Great topic, I shall return.

 

[catalina_francisco]

You are already on the right track by examing your own feelings and where they originate from. That being said, there is nothing wrong with finding you cannot handle such a situation, and it may have nothing to do with jealousy. It always amuses me to see it portrayed as wrong and selfish and immature to have feelings of jealousy and that a sub should not have issues about their Dom/me having other subs, and yet many of the Dom/mes themselves would never allow the submissives to have others in their lives sexually, emotionally, or otherwise and yet few dare to question the reasons behind that and why it seems OK for Dom/mes to have issues with sharing but not subs. I did once have a thread on it around here somewhere.

Polyamory is OK for some, not for others. Just like everthing else, it is a matter of taste, personality and life stories. It also is a situation which can be abused and often is handled badly by the Dom/me in control. There are positive stories, there are variations of how to do it successfully, but it is not a mark against someone if that is not who they are, nor what they need. Communication has already been mentioned, and it is important. Just remember communication means talking about it, sharing and acknowldeging feelings, not being told why it should be OK with you and how you should accept it because you are a submissive. Your Dominant sounds like they have the ability to talk responsibly and caringly with you. Good luck.

Catalina

 

[JMohegan]

Hi, MelancholyBaby.

I will respond to the question in your post, but first I want to address the comments I have extracted here:

I know I am a jealous person. It's not a personality trait I desire by any means, it's something I would prefer to be rid of entirely. But I think that expression of jealousy can be a function of a lot of things so in the right circumstances I think I could be in control of that. But I guess I'm trying to figure out why I would be jealous, why I would have a hard time accepting the other women in his life.

I agree 100% with the remarks made by Catalina in the post above this one.

She is correct in asserting that the wariness expressed by most on this issue is not a negative character trait. In fact, I would say that in many, if not most, cases it is reasonable, justifiable, and even wise.

Jealous? Selfish? Insecure? Immature? I consider myself to be none of these things, but guess what? There is no way on god's green earth that I would permit a partner of mine to become physically or emotionally involved with another guy.

I am not saying that polyamory is wrong or inappropriate for all people. But I am saying that no one has the right to describe resistance to it in pejorative terms.

 

[JMohegan]

Doms...is it possible that you can really love/treasure one sub yet have others?

I don't have a definitive answer to this question, because I have never tried it. But I'll give you my best quess here.

I do know (because I have done it, many times) that I can have sex with a woman, achieve orgasm, and feel little or no emotional bond to that person after the fact. Perhaps intriguing memories of unusual body parts or technique or noises, but nothing more substantial than that.

Under those conditions, I could have multiple partners and "treasure" them all equally. But that's not the type of sex that I have with a submissive.

To me, a D/s relationship is an extremely intimate relationship, both physically and emotionally. For me, the rewards from such a partnership come from an intense, one-on-one focus.

Let's say that I were involved in a D/s relationship. There is not a doubt in my mind that I could have sex with other women (when my partner was sick, busy, out of town, etc., or even just for variety every now and then) without interrupting the intensity of the D/s relationship from my perspective. (The perspective of my partner would be different, however, which is why I have never done this.)

But that's not the same thing, to me, as having multiple submissives. I believe that taking on a second submissive would interrupt the focus and intensity of the relationship with the first, not just from my partner's perspective, but also from my own.

 

[vanelane]

Greetings all,

A few months ago I met a wonderful Dominant and over time we have developed a promising relationship. I could go on and on about him but the important thing is that I really do care about him and we are planning on meeting early next year.
Melanie

Definitely deal with your question before you meet him. Are all his other 'relationships' online only?

 

[MelancholyBaby]

Thanks!

Hi everyone and thank you so much for your responses, it is really helpful to me.

A few things I wanted to answer/clarify:

-His other relationships are both online and r/t, the one who I have just been introduced to (which is perhaps making me deal with this sooner than I would have liked) is r/t.

-I've talked about this with him many times and he always listens and tries to understand where I'm coming from, although sometimes I can't explain myself very well. I don't know if I could sum it up by saying I would be ok with sharing his bed but not his "love?" That I wouldn't mind him having others if I was the primary/main one in his life. But then there is always that little voice in the back of your head that says...well if he grew to care for you why do you think he could not grow to care for another? But at the same time he has mentioned the most precious sub he ever had and he speaks of her with such respect, admiration, gratitude, and love (they are still friends). If he felt the way about me at some point the way he felt about her I honestly believe that I would feel like I was not sharing his heart, that I could feel confident in my position with him. Well, theoretically anyway.

I have more to say but I've run out of time so I will finish this later. I do want to say that I appreciate very much all of you who responded to me, I'm learning a lot, knowing what to google, etc. So THANK YOU and I welcome any more comments/suggestions you may have.

Have a wonderful day and thanks again.

Melanie

 

[blue kat]

I've tried to think really hard about this. I know I am a jealous person. It's not a personality trait I desire by any means, it's something I would prefer to be rid of entirely. But I think that expression of jealousy can be a function of a lot of things so in the right circumstances I think I could be in control of that. But I guess I'm trying to figure out why I would be jealous, why I would have a hard time accepting the other women in his life.

I guess I am writing here to see if anyone else (Dom or sub) has been involved in a situation like this and what thoughts/musings they can offer.

Hi Melanie...

It's pretty cool that you're dealing with this now, rather than getting more involved and waiting to see if something blows up in your faces. One of my Anthro Profs told us that monogamy is actually something recent in the development of the human race, and pinned the development of monogamy to certain monotheistic traditions that arose in the last 2-3000 years. Regardless of when and where the idea of monogamy came from, we are programmed to believe in a starvation economy when it comes to our hearts. Because of this societal programming the majority of society has been living in starvation economy, love-wise, believing somehow that the amount of romantic love a person is capable of sharing is a finite amount, and that there's only room for one other person in a romantic relationship. It doesn't work that way for all of us though.

I have always felt that romantic love is like other kinds of love, in that it doesn't get used up, and I've always been up front with potential lovers and submissives that there is a chance that there will be more than one. My current relationship involves myself and two submissives. One of them is on here, so he my drop by and post how it works for him. We call him my surprise sub; though I've been occasionally attracted to men, I've never been interested in them in a D/s way. I was originally interested in him as a play partner, more as an S/m thing, but as we played together, (both just him and me and him and amber and me) we grew closer, and all the sudden, I had a male submissive.

Doms...is it possible that you can really love/treasure one sub yet have others?

Yes.

Amber and bronntanas are two very different people, aside from the obvious gender differences. Both of them make me laugh, make me happy. I tend to go to her more for mental anguish. She knew both of my birth parents as well as my foster parents. (small town, eh?) She knew the problems that I had with my parents and my sexuality. When I need to talk out something for myself, I go to amber. When I need a comforting, soothing personality that doesn't require a lot of talking, bronn's my guy. He's a better cook than she is, but she managed to interpret the environmental impact survey I had to have done to build a new barn. They're both incredibly talented in their own ways, and I treasure them for the people they are. This doesn't make jealousy disappear; but it does mitigate some of it, since they both know where they stand. The biggest lie that I've ever heard when it comes to polyamory is "I love you all exactly the same way." If we had quantify this with an amount, I'd say that I'm a little closer to amber as she's been with me longer but that doesn't mean that I love her more. But it's not a question of more or less or the same, it's how. I know that there would be a rather large hole in my life without either one of them, but they both mean so much to me in very different ways. I'm not quite as emotionally attached to bronn, and I admit, that if we did split up, we'd probably lose him as a lover. I don't think we'd lose him as a friend.

From your question above, it sounds like you're trying to establish a hierarchy of subs. That works for some, but it's never worked for me. I've known a few people who placed one sub above the others, and it's worked maybe half the time. Since I don't work that way, I can't really answer that. I have seen relationships where one sub was the Dom's lover, and the other's offered service of some sort, and that seemed to work. Those seem to work out for a little while, but the relationship with the service seems to lack some of the emotional intimacy I prefer. Some people prefer that sort of relationship, where there is little emotional involvement. It doesn't sound that way for you. I'd say yes, it is possible to love and cherish a sub and have others, but I don't rank my subs. I love and cherish them both.

If you have more than one subs what is the dynamic and is jealousy/rivalry an issue? And subs...have you been in this situation and can you share your thoughts with me about this?

I think I've described our dynamic already, but anyway.

I always identified as a Lesbian Domme. All of my subs were female up until last year. I'd met bronn through mutual contacts when I was visiting Dublin and he was a nice sweet submissive guy that actually attracted me in a D/s sort of way. Originally it was purely physically. He's been described as a kilted man mountain, and I wanted to control that for a while. We had a great time for a night and then I flew home and started seriously dating amber. After amber and I had been together for a while, bronn moved here. Somehow, the two of us started dating the one of him and now we're three. Both of them are submissive to me, but I don't have an alpha sub. He sort of voluntarily placed himself last in the triad and that sort of bothers me (there's a post around here somewhere about that). He's always said that if amber and I start having problems, he'd step aside so we could work it out. I'm not sure if I like that or not, so if it did happen, we'd take it as it comes.

We see each other together (that is, all three of us go out together, stay home together, all that stuff) but I also see quite a bit of both of them separately. I see them individually at least once a week, so we can reconnect and talk about this stuff. They also socialize without me.

I haven't noticed a lot of rivalry or jealously between them. There's been a few cases where I've had to break plans with one because of an emergency with the other, which has led to some hurt feelings, but we worked out. Part of it was a misunderstanding about personal resources. If amber has an emergency, she can call on me to bail her out. Or her sister. Or her parents. Or her aunt. All of bronn's emergency contacts are in Ireland. So when he ended up in the emergency room and needed a ride home, he called me. She was hurt not because I dropped everything to go get him (we were, um, getting intense when the ER called." but because he called me and interrupted our date. She honestly didn't realize that he doesn't have any emergency contact people BUT me here. Bronn apologized to her, (without prompting, btw, he's just that kind of guy) and that helped a lot.

It helps that neither one of them bottles stuff up inside. When somethings wrong, I know about it.

In conclusion my worry may seem premature. But the fact is that I am now communicating with another of his for various reasons...and that's kind of made me realize that this is going to be a major issue in our relationship. And I kind of feel I owe it to him to really examine myself and my feelings on this issue...could I be one instead of the only one?

I don't think that you're being premature. Amber thought that she could never live in a poly situation and she didn't stop to think about this stuff until after we got serious. Since I won't become involved with someone who needs to be the only one, we had to put everything to a halt for a little while to give her time to think about it. It helped that I have some personal ground rules about new subs in an established relationship. I won't consider someone who can't get along with everyone. Which meant that if amber and bronn couldn't stand each other, bronn and I would still have been friends, but he wouldn't have become my (and no our) lover. I also wait at least 6 months before bringing in another, more if necessary. If she hadn't been ready, we would have held off on bringing him in.

Now's the time to think about, to avoid hurt feelings in the future.

 

[Snoozebutton2]

I will say from experience. If you can't get past the jealousy it will fester and grow. You should look long and hard at what you want for the future. You will have to open your heart and truly love everyone involved. As it will never be a traditional relationship. And if his family grows to say three submissives remember only two can sleep in bed with him comfortably. You must be prepared to truly share. That means sleeping alone knowing his bed is filled with others. On valentines their won't be just the two of you sharing chocolate and strawberries. This road is very rocky and steep. Just remember that and know if can't truly want him as happy with others as is with you. Then you must rethink your situation.

 

[serijules]

I don't have much time although I do have much to say, but I will offer this piece of advice...don't feel as though because you have negative feelings or doubts, that you will be unable to thrive and be happy in a poly situation.

I am not poly, my Ma'am is and has various others in her life. It is very hard for me, I will never deny that, and I have to work hard to keep my focus and not allow negative feelings to fester and grow where they need not. That being said, my insecurities are things that I can learn to overcome, and my Ma'am is someone I trust to help me overcome them.

What makes poly situations NOT work is when people try to say that any existance of less-than-perfect feelings means the people are unable to be sucessful in poly or are "not cut out" for it. Others have said it, and I'll repeat it; your relationship with this person would be unique and the others involved shouldn't impact that uniqueness. My Ma'am puts it to me this way, when I struggle to understand. Do I love any of my pets any more or less than the others, just because there are more of them? My answer is no...I love them all in different ways and they all offer me different positive feelings and bring me different types of joy because of their uniqueness. It is much the same for her with her "pets"...I offer her things that the others cannot and do not, and our relationship is individual, unique and something to treasure.

I still have doubts, insecure moments, bouts of sadness. I also have moments of incredible joy, happiness, love for the others in her life, and gratitude to be a part of her life and her a part of mine. Those moments far outweigh the negative ones so thus, despite not being poly or understanding poly as fully as I wish I could, I do thrive in a poly situation and would not have it any other way.

It's up to you to decide it you want to be with this person badly enough and if you have enough to offer one another that the challenge of working on poly will not be a downfall for you, but rather something that working on together will make you stronger as a couple and as individuals. It isn't for everyone, and there is no shame in that whatsoever either. It's a personal choice with personal results.

 

[incubus'_sub]

I've lived in a couple of poly relationships over the years. I'm not an emotionally or sexually jealous person at all & have no problems sharing partners. But, & it's a big but, my experience has been that despite all the communication & cooperation & good intentions there are always underlying tensions & irritations which eventually explode. It may be as simple as 2 women in one kitchen, never a good thing !

You went into this with your eyes open & your Dom was honest & upfront. Now, before you go any further, you have to listen to your gut & be honest with yourself & about your needs, because reading about & understanding polyamory won't make it any easier to accept in the long run if your heart's not in it.

My advice, don't settle for a relationship in which you don't feel valued enough because you fear that you won't find what you really need. Don't set yourself up to feel a failure because if you struggle to accept it now it will be worse when it's physical, despite all the warm & fuzzy sentiments.

 

[shy slave]

Blue Kat Thank you for your post.

I learnt more about the positive, non-sexual aspects of poly in your post than anything else I have read on it.

I appreciate you sharing such a personal journey.

 

[Still Falling]

Hi, my situation is not exactly the same as yours but i essentially face the same issues. M'lady's relationship started with me as an affair at work. She lived with her long term boyfriend, who had in the past accepted Her occasional entanglements - however she has never been honest with him about us sleeping together.

So eventually I submitted to Her as Her slave; Her and i were individually promoted in work accepting positions on the other side of the country and our now sharing a flat. However, She has not broken up with her boyfriend, talks to him every night on the phone, and has just flown back to spend two weeks with him. Consequently our relationship remains clandestine to most of the rest of the world - except for the small fact that my family know M'lady as my girlfriend (complicated enough yet?).

Therefore M'lady asks a lot of me in this regard. However, like Your Dom She has always been honest with me and has never let me had false hope. Jealously has of course also been an issue for me, not just jealous of her relationship with her boyfriend, or as i think you mentioned the question of Her developing another deep and sexual relationship with someone else - but jealousy in claiming more of our relationship to the greater world.

This has been very confronting for me over the past year and a half. So how do i manage? Focusing on the moment and really being clear with myself about what i want and need and how you can't have everything.

Let me explain those a little. i could easily get into a heap of insecure questions about the future - What happens if Her boyfriend does eventually want to move over here to be with Her? - i really don't think that my relationship with Her can remain the same if he is to remain unawares and living in the same flat as us! What happens is She starts another affair with someone else? But i can't control any of these things - so why waste the present worrying about them? i examine how i feel about things and then communicate it. i then try not to obsess about things and really put my faith in M'lady. If She wants to keep me - She will. If She wants to release me She will.

Importantly though - as many others have said, i have needed to focus on being clear on how things are affecting me. M'lady is not a mind reader - however good She knows me. Therefore i need to be an adult and tell Her if things are upsetting me or making me tense. But She doesn't have to change anything She is doing and that is what i accept. Ultimately i know i can ask for my freedom and i'll have it - but i know that serving Her is the most important thing i have found in myself in my life and i don't want to just give that up because i get afraid some times.

i say - keep Your eyes open and jump. You can always get out if it doesn't work out - but You can't always go back and capture that same opportunity.

 

[JMohegan]

Hi, my situation is not exactly the same as yours but i essentially face the same issues. M'lady's relationship started with me as an affair at work. She lived with her long term boyfriend, who had in the past accepted Her occasional entanglements - however she has never been honest with him about us sleeping together.

In her relationship with you, your lady is functioning, in part, as a liar and a cheat. [That statement is a neutral reiteration of the facts you have presented, not a moral judgment.]

Therefore, yours is not a poly relationship and I disagree with the idea that you "essentially face the same issues" as the OP.

Read blue kat's post above. Note the sincere attempt of the dominant to make the situation work well for all involved. I'm sure you can see the critical distinctions between that scenario, and the one in which you have been participating.

 

[blue kat]

Thanks Shy and Joe...

Falling, I'm with Joe here. Your relationship with your Lady may be wonderfully fulfilling for you, but it's not really poly, nor is it consensual. Her boyfriend, whether she's been honest with him or not, is an unwilling participant in your relationship. Poly only works if there is openness and honesty among all players. Part of my responsibility as a Domme is to make sure that all my partners are dealt with honestly and taken care of to the best of my ability and I'm sorry, but I don't think she's doing that. It's not my relationship though, so I hope it all it all works out for you, but if it doesn't, may I suggest that you demand total honesty for ALL parties next time? You do have a right to negotiate a relationship that healthy for all involved.

 

[Spacey2005]

Also seeking advice

Melanie,

This is an excellent thread, and I find almost all of the posts to be thoughtful and potentially helpful, although from different perspectives.

I have a friend whom I love dearly who is in a similar situation, and although I am not into the D/s scene at all, being pretty much Mr. Straight Guy, I won't be judgmental about the life style. I'm trying to understand it so I can understand her better and try to give her advice that may help, or at the very least not do any damage.

My friend is highly intelligent, one of many qualities I find very attractive in her, and if I were not committed in another long-term relationship, I would probably pursue her, try to "cure" her of the D/s lifestyle, and make her mine. The "cure" would not be because I condemn the life style, but because I do not have either "Dominant" or "submissive" in my blood, and could not form a relationship on that basis. Plus, she has some long-term goals and ambitions that seem incompatible with the lifestyle: she is in pursuit of an advanced degree that will lead to a professional career, and she loves children and wants to eventually have a family. These do not sum up to living a life as one of multiple subs, certainly not in regards to having a family; and the aggressive, ambitious qualities required of a rising professional also do not seem to jibe with the meekness expected of a submissive personality. Perhaps I'm wrong in this, so any comments that would shed light on this from the other posters would be welcome

She is a complex young woman with many facets. I see all these qualities in her: ambition, self-doubt, honesty, loyalty, intelligence, submissiveness, creativity, an endearing and delightful personality, inherent goodness, and many others, flaws and virtues. Polyamory aside, I love her and want to see her realize her dreams with or without me, with or without her Dom.

I do not know her Dominant, but from what she's told me, he is very much like yours, and therein lies her quandary, as yours: he is a good and honest man, intent on helping her, but committed to a multiple sub lifestyle without children. What lies in her long-term future? Is she to change, or is he? Is she to give up her longing for a family with children, or is he to give up his multiple sub tendency and become more-or-less monogamous? My opinion is that there is no viable long-term relationship without major compromise of fundamental attitudes, which is unlikely to happen, and so the long-term of their relationship does not auger well.

That leaves only the short-term: perhaps a year or three of intimacy, shared with other subs, or even as the main sub, and then perhaps a drifting apart to remain friends, or perhaps an explosion that results in pain and suffering. Perhaps this requires a decision now, perhaps not.

I don't know the answers, and I don't know how to advise her, except that I will point her to this thread and hope that the collective experiences and wisdom of your posters can help her as they may help you.

 

[CutieMouse]

Melanie,

... I would probably pursue her, try to "cure" her of the D/s lifestyle, and make her mine. The "cure" would not be because I condemn the life style, but because I do not have either "Dominant" or "submissive" in my blood, and could not form a relationship on that basis.

Then you are wise to not attempt a relationship with her.

Plus, she has some long-term goals and ambitions that seem incompatible with the lifestyle: she is in pursuit of an advanced degree that will lead to a professional career, and she loves children and wants to eventually have a family. These do not sum up to living a life as one of multiple subs, certainly not in regards to having a family; and the aggressive, ambitious qualities required of a rising professional also do not seem to jibe with the meekness expected of a submissive personality. Perhaps I'm wrong in this, so any comments that would shed light on this from the other posters would be welcome.

As far as having a family and being poly- why would having multiple loves make that an impossibility? I've known people who had closed triads (not BDSM) who had children. I've known people who have children, who are in 24/7 BDSM based relationships. As long as the children are not exposed to inappropriate situations, know they are loved, and every adult in the family is committed to creating an emotionally healthy unit- I see no reason why a family and a BDSM/poly Lifestyle can not co-exist.

As for the comment about submissives needing to be meek, etc...

There are CEOs of corporations who are submissive in their private lives.

There are military officers who are submissive in their private lives.

There are self-made millionares who are submissive in their private lives.

If labels must be handed out, I am most comfortable saying I am a submissive woman, quite service oriented, with masochistic tendencies... I am also a small business owner, ran a household of 7 for some years, led a support group of 35 women for a while, and can do anything I set my mind to. Anyone who has ever sent me a private message, that I consider to be inappropriate, can tell you I am quite assertive, and tolerate bullshit from no one.

Submission does not make one a weak doormat, incapable of assering one's authority, whenever necessary.

I do not know her Dominant, but from what she's told me, he is very much like yours, and therein lies her quandary, as yours: he is a good and honest man, intent on helping her, but committed to a multiple sub lifestyle without children. What lies in her long-term future? Is she to change, or is he? Is she to give up her longing for a family with children, or is he to give up his multiple sub tendency and become more-or-less monogamous? My opinion is that there is no viable long-term relationship without major compromise of fundamental attitudes, which is unlikely to happen, and so the long-term of their relationship does not auger well.

This tells me they are simply not well suited to each other. He does not want children; she does. I don't see the imcompatability being nearly as much about polyamory, as fundamental Life Goals.

That leaves only the short-term: perhaps a year or three of intimacy, shared with other subs, or even as the main sub, and then perhaps a drifting apart to remain friends, or perhaps an explosion that results in pain and suffering. Perhaps this requires a decision now, perhaps not.

I don't know the answers, and I don't know how to advise her, except that I will point her to this thread and hope that the collective experiences and wisdom of your posters can help her as they may help you.

I was in a poly relationship once... it was wonderful, and we Loved each other dearly. It was short lived, and we remained thick as theives, even after we agreed it wasn't working out. I will admit my heart broke when it ended... loosing them was harder than ending my marriage... but I have no regrets for taking the time to Love them, openly and honestly, even knowing it would not be a "til death do us part" situation. Being Poly is not easy; I know I'll never choose it, again. The best thing anyone can do is stay true to their heart, and live with integrity.

 

[blue kat]

My friend is highly intelligent, one of many qualities I find very attractive in her, and if I were not committed in another long-term relationship, I would probably pursue her, try to "cure" her of the D/s lifestyle, and make her mine. The "cure" would not be because I condemn the life style, but because I do not have either "Dominant" or "submissive" in my blood, and could not form a relationship on that basis. Plus, she has some long-term goals and ambitions that seem incompatible with the lifestyle: she is in pursuit of an advanced degree that will lead to a professional career, and she loves children and wants to eventually have a family. These do not sum up to living a life as one of multiple subs, certainly not in regards to having a family; and the aggressive, ambitious qualities required of a rising professional also do not seem to jibe with the meekness expected of a submissive personality. Perhaps I'm wrong in this, so any comments that would shed light on this from the other posters would be welcome

I'm chilled (with the non-good kind of chills) that you feel the need to "cure" her. It isn't your right. If she is unhappy with her lifestyle, then she gets to make to the decision if she wants to be "cured" or not. You do not.

Secondly, I know several subs who are living fulfilled lives and happily expressing their submissions. Perhaps you could tell us why you feel that long term goals and ambitions are incompatible with being a submissive? On this board alone, I know one grad student, several nurses, a semi-pro athlete, and several computer programmers and the like. There are also a lot of people here who are raising (or have raised) healthy, well adjusted children. We have a few sick puppies, but no more than what you'd find in the general population.

I can tell you that the "meekness expected of a submissive personality" does not often affect an ambitious person. Perhaps you are buying into the stereotype that a submissive is a doormat who is unable to stand up for themselves or achieve those goals? Submissive does not mean meek, unconfident or helpless. Amber is submissive to me, but is a ballsy, confident and competent little ass-kicker in a male dominated profession. I am so proud of what she's accomplished but she didn't do it by being "meek and submissive" to strangers, nor did she fuck her way to the top (as others, not you personally, have assumed.) She did it by standing up for herself, learning her job backwards and forwards and kicking ass and taking names when necessary. She is a very sweet and friendly person, but when it comes to work, she's all business and no-one fucks with her.

I don't think you're wrong in asking questions, but the condescension in your post needs to go. (Even though it does read as if you were not trying to be condescending and rude, it still shows.) I would suggest that if you want to learn about D/s in general to drop the pre-conceived notions and keep asking good questions. The library at the top of the page is a good place to start reading. Also, don't expect the subs around here to fit any sort of stereotype. They're a sexy, happy, loud-mouthed lot with finely tuned bullshit meters and have no problems telling a person where to go if they need to.

 

[littlegirlslut]

I will start a disclaimer that I've completely read the OP a few times and then only have skimmed the responses so please forgive me if there is over lap - but since it's my story I doubt it.

After taking a long time "off" and subjecting myself to personal bondage of only being involved in a very serious vanilla relationship for about 5 years - things just were not working. There were tons of reasons, but part of it too was that I was the more dominate person in the relationship and I was breaking down because of it.

So fast forward a bit - I moved and got involved with someone I met online - who was not openly poly - but then let me into the fact that he was. Well see he was basically a liar and so much happened and before it started it was ruined. BUT because of this person I met the couple I am currently in a relationship with. What started out as an online friendship and talking on the phone - well when I first met Him and His (wife and slave) I was done. I was actually with my first Master when we met and as soon as I got out of the car I latched onto my current Master - it was a connection I've never EVER felt with anyone before. So then I meet His wife - and well I was hooked. While the feelings of lust were not as strong (I'm bi but tend to go for males more than females) we hit it off immediately. We already had a friendship connection but there was something about her I just wanted - and I got it! So we've been together for 9 months (granted I am about 5 hours away) and they live together.

I knew what I was getting walking in and everyone including Him has had their moments of insecurities and jealousy. I know this will not be life-long (at least not a poly-marriage) the friendship will last forever - because I require children and they do not want anymore (this has been the hardest thing I've ever heard).

We have all had our fights - between two or three or all. And the jealousy creeps up every once in a while but that comes from fear. As long as we are all honest it works.

 

[satin_coals]

So fast forward a bit - I moved and got involved with someone I met online - who was not openly poly - but then let me into the fact that he was. Well see he was basically a liar and so much happened and before it started it was ruined

The same thing happened the a girl I used to live with. She wanted to engage in a BDSM related relationship and decided to try online. I told her it was a bad idea but she insisted. She got pretty heavilly involved with a guy and she found out that he lied about *everything* including that he had multiple submissives. She found out because of an email with a 'fantasy' in it with another womans name in it.

She was pretty fucked up because of it. She still hasn't tried again .. though I keep trying to get her to come to a party to meet some people in the scene even to make friends, but she's really not interested right now. Poor darl.

People can be so cruel .. *sigh*

 

[Still Falling]

In her relationship with you, your lady is functioning, in part, as a liar and a cheat. [That statement is a neutral reiteration of the facts you have presented, not a moral judgment.]

Therefore, yours is not a poly relationship and I disagree with the idea that you "essentially face the same issues" as the OP.

Read blue kat's post above. Note the sincere attempt of the dominant to make the situation work well for all involved. I'm sure you can see the critical distinctions between that scenario, and the one in which you have been participating.

Just to get back to the original point here. In my first post I was not suggesting that I essentially faced the same facts in the terms of it being a poly relationship. But at the heart of this issue, from my perspective, is how you find trust in a relationship. I was trying to draw this distinction for MelancholyBaby; specifically addressing her question about jealously only. Although I do accept that given all the detail I conveyed, it may not have come across all that clearly.

My point was, that I have found focusing on what is important to me in this moment in my relationship as the key to overcoming jealously. I ask myself, "Forget what other relationships M'lady may have and how She may have them - what do i need to feel happy and secure in my relationship with her right now? and what is She realistically offering me?" As long as what i need now, matches what is being offered then I can mitigate any feelings of jealously.

To add some more to this - i also look at things holistically. For example, is it really that important an issue to get upset at not spending the night in Her bed tonight - given that She spent the last two nights focused on me? If it is that important to me to get upset about after a question like this then it is something i need to address. once i have worked out what are the important things to me, M'lady has made me confident to raise these with Her whenever the need arises.

As i said my advice is really around how i deal with jealousy, not about the dynamics of good poly relationships. Plenty of others have provided useful comments on that.

P.S. Joe, no offence taken.