Moving schmoving ...

[SumLightCat]

It's one of those days, I suppose. The sun's going, leaves flying off the trees, long sleeves, wooly socks and rain-slick pavements. It's getting cold, and cold outside also makes me cold inside, sometimes.

Her and me, we've been talking about moving in together. In a month or two. Somewhere small, fit for two. Maybe it's the cold, like I said, but I've gotten cold feet. Suddenly I'm full of questions for myself, most of all: how do I know I really want to do this? Maybe she just wants it so much and I don't want to disappoint her? Wouldn't that be a right rum do.

Sure, I love her, but this seems like a step. And, well, steps you have to make if you are to get anywhere. But those autumn-time blues make my tummy feel funny and I wonder if this is the path I want to tread. "Do I love her enough?" I'll ask myself, and wonder. We get along okay, I tell myself, we get along okay. But heck, I'd get along okay on my own as well.

And then I go out for a night and have a grand, fine old time by myself, and I wonder. Why don't I have fun like this with her? Why do we never seem to go out like this? Always worry about how her friends will feel. Always have to apologise for other women I had in the past.

Once, not too long ago, I ran across a cynical note: when women who know what they want and men who don't know what they want get together, that's marriage. I admit, it does come back to me.

I worry ... will we move in together and then I'll feel imprisoned? Sometimes it feels like she enjoys control just a bit too much for my taste. And then cold autumn days come like today, and I think back, to days we'd spent together, earlier in the year, when summer was in the air. Prettier days, when she nevertheless couldn't help grilling me over exes and hobbies, trips I'd take with the guys and why I don't take her places. And I think of how she gets that strange look in her eye and asks me in a pained voice, "Honey, what are you hiding, why do you always turn off your email when I'm around?"

Oh, I think back to that, and remember looking stupidly at her and thinking, "What? Huh?"

And she'll elaborate, tell me how I switched off my gmail tab so lightning fast just as she came by. How she's sure I'm hiding things from her, and my brain will tick over slow and glacial, until it realizes that she's upset because I'd cleared my stuff off her computer, because she had to work.

The cold north wind was blowing hard today, and those thoughts just wouldn't go away. How many other things will bring that sad, upset look to her eye, when we live together? What other things will I have to account for?

And will she always ask me, "Why don't we go places, do things?" in her upset, sad little voice, instead of saying, "Let's go places, do things!"

In my gut a doubtful worm does stir, cold and callous ... how can I expect something happily with such a monster munching away beneath my heart?

 

[hi_holiness]

you should

let her see what you are doing.

If she likes, it...great. if she doesn't, then find someone else.

 

[Bystander]

It's really hard to judge anyone's relationship based on a few words of text, but you don't really paint a rosy picture of yours. How long have you been together anyway? If she doesn't trust you right now it could get worse once you move in together if she keeps poking into your space. Plus just reading your post makes it sound like you really don't want to do it anyway.

Only thing I can say is if you're planning on commiting to someone, make sure you do it for yourself as much as you do it for the other person. Good ones tend to be about two people, not one.

 

[Firebrain]

I wouldn't be worrying about whether or not you love her; you don't actually appear to like her.

 

[CherryBomb24]

gotta like someone before you can learn to love them.
and from what i'm seeing, you barely like her and i highly doubt you love her.
end it before either of you really get hurt.
If you move in together and it ends up not working for you, it'll hurt much worse than it would right now.

 

[SumLightCat]

Well, talk about logs in eyes and willful blindness to the blindingly obvious, but it appears there are things about my relationship that have quite escaped my perspective. I'll be the first to say a short text isn't enough to judge a relationship, but I'll also be the first to admit that when we write we say more about ourselves than about anyone else, and I guess I've said quite a bit about myself.

I know I'm prone to trying too hard to please other people and to forgetting about what I want, at least for a while, then eventually getting smacked around the head by wants and desires I'd been trying to repress all along. But that it could be so obvious from what I'd written ... oh dear, I've got more of a problem than I'd realized, though I should have recognized the signs. Well, probably I did and that's why I wrote.

She's always wanted to be with me so much, it's become hard to disentangle what she wants from what I want. I guess I've been too busy, too involved, too head-in-the-sand occupied with things to spend much time thinking about it. Maybe I've been taking this moving-together thing quite the wrong way. Sure, by the light of day I might gladly say, "Yea, verily, it is what we both want and a good step forward for us," but at night the little voice from back-of-mind will chuckle, "Don't be silly, you know full well you're doing it so you can have your excuse when it fails, so you can say, 'oh, I tried everything, but still, still it didn't work.' Lame, isn't it, the way you lie to yourself, so you won't feel so bad about ending the relationship? Kind of sad, the way you think, if you make yourself suffer first, then it won't be your responsibility things didn't work out?"

I wonder, does everybody have to wander about with a cynical little voice that laughs at their pretensions and little self-deceptions? It's foolish ... and thanks for the thoughts on the matter ... it's foolish, but I can't help myself thinking in terms of 'responsibility' and how I shouldn't let a relationship fail, while at the same time I know it's never one person's responsibility. A relationship simply doesn't work if both members aren't into it.

But, a thought, I've just remembered I've said that same thing to her many times, and always she'd bring it around to how we have to talk about the hows and whys, like that would somehow change things. We'd talk about why I felt how I felt for so long, that in the end I'd feel like I shouldn't feel the way I feel. Convoluted, but bear with me. I'd feel like I didn't have the right, somehow, to say, "Sorry, m'dear, this isn't working for me, which means it isn't going to be working for you either." She would always say something along the lines of, "You can't make an important decision like leaving me without me having a say in it! It's our relationship, not yours, you can't just end it without involving me!"

"Which leaves me in a very poorly cooked pickle if I end up moving in," the voice of instinct tells me.

Gosh darnit, ain't we humans funny things?

 

[CherryBomb24]

[QUOTE SumLightCat] "You can't make an important decision like leaving me without me having a say in it! It's our relationship, not yours, you can't just end it without involving me!" [/QUOTE]

if one person wants a divorce and the other doesnt - what generally happens?
A nasty divorce-but still a divorce none-the-less.










bah and i cant figure out the quote thing...you get the picture at least.

 

[SumLightCat]

I get the picutre, I do.

... heh, the quote things mucked me up too, tho.

 

[Tyr51]

Anyone will tell you that a successful relationship takes work.
What they may not explain is that such work is actually better stated as "active effort" and not "forced labor."

If this is someone you want a long term relationship with (and if you're the sort who believes in and eventually wants marraige.... then this means you seriously think you might want to marry this girl), wondering about moving in together would not be an agonizing decision on an emotional front. People who want long term committed relationships with their partners generally can't wait to move in together or come to some sort of arrangement that works for them in the long term. If you're agonizing over feeling forced into it, then that probably means you're not head over heals in wanting it.

Whether that's because you're not sure you click well together, or because you are worried about jealousy issues, or just because you think you might be doing to it keep peace right now, then you're not ready to move in unless you're simply going to be roomates.

You don't move in with someone to keep the peace in the short term without having to pay a much bigger price in the long term. Moving in together is as big a step as you can take without legally tying all of your fortunes together.

If you're head over heels and you cannot wait to spend all of your time with this person? Move in. If you're worried about the relationship not being long term? Save yourself the agony later and keep your relationship at a level where seperation doesn't mean you have to re-seperate your books, figure out visitation schedules with the cat, and have arguments over who gets to keep the toaster.

 

[SumLightCat]

Anyone will tell you that a successful relationship takes work.
What they may not explain is that such work is actually better stated as "active effort" and not "forced labor."

If this is someone you want a long term relationship with (and if you're the sort who believes in and eventually wants marraige.... then this means you seriously think you might want to marry this girl), wondering about moving in together would not be an agonizing decision on an emotional front. People who want long term committed relationships with their partners generally can't wait to move in together or come to some sort of arrangement that works for them in the long term. If you're agonizing over feeling forced into it, then that probably means you're not head over heals in wanting it.

Whether that's because you're not sure you click well together, or because you are worried about jealousy issues, or just because you think you might be doing to it keep peace right now, then you're not ready to move in unless you're simply going to be roomates.

You don't move in with someone to keep the peace in the short term without having to pay a much bigger price in the long term. Moving in together is as big a step as you can take without legally tying all of your fortunes together.

If you're head over heels and you cannot wait to spend all of your time with this person? Move in. If you're worried about the relationship not being long term? Save yourself the agony later and keep your relationship at a level where seperation doesn't mean you have to re-seperate your books, figure out visitation schedules with the cat, and have arguments over who gets to keep the toaster.

This makes so much sense and is so close to how I feel that I feel like kicking myself, but it makes it no easier to end a relationship.

 

[littlebabyclit]

Anyone will tell you that a successful relationship takes work.
What they may not explain is that such work is actually better stated as "active effort" and not "forced labor."

If this is someone you want a long term relationship with (and if you're the sort who believes in and eventually wants marraige.... then this means you seriously think you might want to marry this girl), wondering about moving in together would not be an agonizing decision on an emotional front. People who want long term committed relationships with their partners generally can't wait to move in together or come to some sort of arrangement that works for them in the long term. If you're agonizing over feeling forced into it, then that probably means you're not head over heals in wanting it.

Whether that's because you're not sure you click well together, or because you are worried about jealousy issues, or just because you think you might be doing to it keep peace right now, then you're not ready to move in unless you're simply going to be roomates.

You don't move in with someone to keep the peace in the short term without having to pay a much bigger price in the long term. Moving in together is as big a step as you can take without legally tying all of your fortunes together.

If you're head over heels and you cannot wait to spend all of your time with this person? Move in. If you're worried about the relationship not being long term? Save yourself the agony later and keep your relationship at a level where seperation doesn't mean you have to re-seperate your books, figure out visitation schedules with the cat, and have arguments over who gets to keep the toaster.

Holy shit, this is one of the most sensible posts I've ever read about relationships. Beautifully put, Tyr51. And you ain't kidding about the cat !

 

[badmatt]

I wouldn't be worrying about whether or not you love her; you don't actually appear to like her.

Firebrain said almost exactly what I was going to say.


Someone else mentioned too, that you should just let her see what you're doing. Regardless if all you really did was switch off gmail because you knew she needed the computer, if you're at the point she might move in, you're also at the point where she's gonna learn some things whether you want her to or not. Best she finds out from you than one day she comes home with a key log disk from one of the IT geeks at work who thinks she's cute so she can spy on everything you do.

 

[SumLightCat]

Firebrain said almost exactly what I was going to say.


Someone else mentioned too, that you should just let her see what you're doing. Regardless if all you really did was switch off gmail because you knew she needed the computer, if you're at the point she might move in, you're also at the point where she's gonna learn some things whether you want her to or not. Best she finds out from you than one day she comes home with a key log disk from one of the IT geeks at work who thinks she's cute so she can spy on everything you do.

Heh, she comes up with a keylog disk, isn't that grounds for breakup anyway? See, my thought is, if I don't give a damn about something, why should she? But ... passe, anyway ... I've let her know we're not moving in together. Let's say the argument was ... interesting.

 

[Bystander]

Heh, she comes up with a keylog disk, isn't that grounds for breakup anyway? See, my thought is, if I don't give a damn about something, why should she? But ... passe, anyway ... I've let her know we're not moving in together. Let's say the argument was ... interesting.

you sound like someone who wants out anyway so good for you.

 

[SumLightCat]

you sound like someone who wants out anyway so good for you.

What I hate, really hate, is how hard it is to hear for myself what I sound like. The log in the eye problem, over and over. :/