Moving forward after break up

[PinkLace5]

I understand that everyone is different, but I’m desperate for any helpful advice. I ended a long term relationship with my boyfriend a few weeks ago. Because were together for so long and lived together, it feels more like a divorce than a break up.

I tried everything in my power to fix the relationship (years of long talks, couple’s therapy, relationship books, etc.). I feel that I was in denial about it for a very long time. It took a lot of courage and soul searching to make this decision. I know in my heart that I did the right thing for myself but that doesn’t necessarily help the pain of moving forward and making such a significant change. I was extremely lonely in my relationship. In many ways, the relationship lacked an emotional and physical connection. I’m excited about the idea of having a more fulfilling relationship in the future. The problem is that I don’t really know how to move forward. Because it’s been seven years, I feel like I’ve been out of the dating scene for a while (I’m in my late twenties). In addition with reconnecting with myself, it would be nice to remember what it was like to enjoy the company of a man, but I’m also nervous about being vulnerable. On the other hand, I don’t want to sit inside and mope either. Any advice?

 

[RawHumor]

I'm sorry for your pain. Many people (as you probably know), don't end relationships because they'd rather be comfortable and miserable than feel lost but free.

Personally, I'd avoid bars. The guys you meet there aren't going to be the ones you want to connect with. Try joining a gym or a church that you relate to, or some sort of hobby club in your area.

Regarding the emotional aspect - really, time is your friend, as are diversions. The worst thing you can do is sit home and replay all the different conversations you had or scenes you wish had played out differently.

 

[Hypoxia]

I base the following on the assumption that you want to meet someone compatible.

The way to meet compatible people is to go where they go. If you felt comfortable with a club / bar scene, you'd be there. I'll guess not. What are your interests? Artistic / musical, educational, environmental, social, political, religious, athletic, whatever? Gather with like-minded people. Attend events where you feel comfortable. These aren't dates -- they're gatherings, where you can interact with others who likely share your interests, and can easily filter-out people who don't seem right. That should ease your fear of vulnerability.

Join a glee club or dance club or debate club or political club or church. Take or give classes. Go on group hikes. Volunteer for something. In all these, you'll meet people, and they won't be in the let's-get-drunk-and-screw meat-market scene.

I met non-trivial lovers at music festivals, church camps, family gatherings, lectures, natural history field trips, and museum tours. I met my current long-time partner on a Sierra Club Singles hike. I met one I almost married (into a wealthy family) when I gave a first-aid class. (French-kissing in CPR lessons, oh yeah!) Sometimes we connected immediately; sometimes, not. I've never met ANY sexual or life partners in bars, clubs, or similar meat markets. (Well, there was one hot person at a roller rink...)

Relationship death sucks. We feel dejected, rejected, like failures. The cure: Mix it up. Go and do things that interest you. Don't look for people, just meet them, relate to them, and see what happens.

 

[NightL]

I hear hypnotherapy is all the rage for this now - true - well the hearing of it part

otherwise - it is going to be solved by the same journey travelled by 99.9% of people who have been through the same situation - time and common sense.

The obvious is obvious - no secret formulas that I know of...

 

[Bramblethorn]

The way to meet compatible people is to go where they go. If you felt comfortable with a club / bar scene, you'd be there. I'll guess not. What are your interests? Artistic / musical, educational, environmental, social, political, religious, athletic, whatever? Gather with like-minded people. Attend events where you feel comfortable. These aren't dates -- they're gatherings, where you can interact with others who likely share your interests, and can easily filter-out people who don't seem right. That should ease your fear of vulnerability.

Join a glee club or dance club or debate club or political club or church. Take or give classes. Go on group hikes. Volunteer for something. In all these, you'll meet people, and they won't be in the let's-get-drunk-and-screw meat-market scene.

Seconding this. Even if you don't find a new lover in a hurry, at least you'll be doing something you enjoy.

 

[nfrrdscnnr1]

through

You have my sympathies. There is nothing quite a painful as going through and recovering from and end to a long relationship. It doesn't matter one bit whether it was your choice or not, the reasons or anything else, it is PAINFUL.
the good news is that there are better days ahead. The bad news is that those will come only after you "do" the process of grieving. So you don't "move forward" as much as you go through a process that will include anger, self-recrimination, bargaining ("maybe if I did or had done . . . . things would have been better"), depression (just feeling as though you'd like to stay in bed) and so on. If you can cry, the tears will help relieve the symptoms as you can think of them as liquid feelings. It will be a gradual process and it will take as long as it takes.
Now, for more bad news. There was a reason you had the sort of person you experienced in your life. It MAY be that you don't feel you deserve a give-and-take, mutually satisfying partner and there is a pretty good chance you'll choose a similar sort for your next relationship. So part of the process might be to consider your past, what you learned about yourself as a child, what you deserve and don't deserve in life so you don't fall into the same sort of hole you are now climbing out of.

 

[KlaytonFrost]

As others have said, one of the best ways to move on is to find something new on which to focus your energies. This doesn't have to be a new person - it could be a new hobby or interest, a new part of your life. This has the added advantage that it will make you a more interesting and rounded person, so that when you do meet someone with whom you wish to share a romantic connection, there'll be more of yourself to give.

 

[StrayKat]

I dont like to give much advice about things that everybody takes differently, but I know what helped me deal with a divorce. First of all, I was not looking to find another relationship. I just lived my life and tried to be as busy as possible and go day by day one at the time. I burdened myself with all kinds of obligations, I started new projects, I tired myself physically as much as I could take. I made sure my day was full of running around, thinking, solving and keeping busy at any cost, and that I was tired enough to fell asleep soon I hit my bed at night.
My divorce was a thing "I will think about tomorrow".

Something less than a year of such ordeal and I was enjoying my life fully and couldnt even remember what I felt so bad about. And then I found myself married again...

 

[PinkLace5]

Thank you

Thank you everyone so much for your kind words and advice. Even though I ended the relationship, I am still in a great deal of pain. I feel like I have been mourning this relationship for a very long time.

I've never been the type to go out to bars or clubs. It's really not my scene. I think getting involved in a hobby or something along those lines could be helpful. I've been trying to accept social invitations from friends to try and stay busy--even if it's something I wouldn't usually do.

The quiet moments at night are probably the most difficult. I want to allow myself to process and feel some of the difficult emotions at times. I feel like I need to do this to heal. I guess because I was so lonely while I was in my relationship, I feel eager to make connections with new people in general. My vulnerability still worries me though.

 

[NotHisLady]

When I was alone (and sometimes even now all things considered) a journal and a pen were very good friends to have. At least IMO the keyboard doesn't have the same impact as physically writing the words--spilling them onto the page. There's the added bonus that later on you get to light the damn thing on fire and watch all that crap you lived through burn. Hitting DELETE just doesn't pack the same punch.
I've also made some perfectly wonderful online friends (yes, the flirty male sort but wonderful FRIENDS above all that) so I'd say get involved in the boards some, maybe get to know some of the other people there. Step carefully because not every greeting is open and friendly but there will be more than you think that truly are. There are at least 4 people I can't imagine my life being the same without and all of them started out as conversations here. This is a very good way to get back into talking with people on a nearly dating level while keeping enough distance to feel safer and at ease. Think of it as fishing from a stocked pond (apologies all around to the gentlemen reading this. A superbly stocked pond I should have said.) I really only mean that there is a concentrated pool of prospects within reach and pairings are less an act of faith than in day to day encounters.

Every other bit of advice is sound--it's all there and doesn't need repeating when you can just scroll up to see it.

The time this will take is entirely dependent on you and how much time you need. There isn't any such thing as taking too long or recovering too quickly (well, unless you're still pining in 70 years when they decide to turn the respirators off. That could be just a skosh extreme.)

Good luck my dear.
The sun does always come out again eventually. Until then keep looking for rainbows.

 

[FGB]

Well PK5, Starting over sucks but the good news you are still relatively young.

Take things slow, because it takes awhile to get completely over a long term relationship like that and it takes a few months to learn deep down that you can and will be Okay.

About Men.

Some of us can put on a hell of good show when we want a woman the question is how much and for how long?

Act like you don't believe a damned word they say...trust them only after knowing then for a few months and use protection always!

Do fun things and keep a watch...a good guy you can learn to love will show up sooner or later.

You will be fine.