Move on?

[westcoastin]

Hi all. I am new here and hoping to get some help and thoughts about "moving on".

I am a few years out of a marriage/relationship of almost 20 years and my friends tell me that I can't seem to really need to "move on". I have tried dating sites and such, have an active social life, and have made some new friends and met nice people but when it comes to the actual date I kind of back out. I always seem to come to the conclusion that the cons outweigh the pros.

For those of you who have come out of long term monogomy, how did you get past it all and go on that "first" date? Do you think that having casual NSA sex with someone else helped you to "move on"? Or was it better for you to stay single for a while until dating sounded appealing? When did you know you were ready? How long is too long to be alone to wait it out?

Thank you.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Do whatever works for you. Youll know when its time to move on.

I discovered that women on the rebound (divorced, widowed, dumped) are awful dates.

 

[fire_breeze]

Hi all. I am new here and hoping to get some help and thoughts about "moving on".

I am a few years out of a marriage/relationship of almost 20 years and my friends tell me that I can't seem to really need to "move on". I have tried dating sites and such, have an active social life, and have made some new friends and met nice people but when it comes to the actual date I kind of back out. I always seem to come to the conclusion that the cons outweigh the pros.

For those of you who have come out of long term monogomy, how did you get past it all and go on that "first" date? Do you think that having casual NSA sex with someone else helped you to "move on"? Or was it better for you to stay single for a while until dating sounded appealing? When did you know you were ready? How long is too long to be alone to wait it out?

Thank you.

As Jim said, do whatever feels right for you. Not everyone is geared to NSA sex. My cousin, for example, couldn't do it when she left an 18-year marriage - but then again, she says that she was married for 15 years - the legality came only 3 years when she unloaded the jerk.

Did you grieve the 'death' of your relationship? Did you allow yourself to mourn? Some people know their relationship is done before the end of it and was able to mourn. Others need time. I cannot tell you which way, but until you have actually come to terms with the end of the relationship you cannot move on. Your friends may feel that you're still clinging. Learn to let go and you will then be able to move on in your own way.

There is no time limit; take the time you need. Enjoy life as a single person. When the time is right, it's right.

 

[pfflyerhot]

Although my experience is more about years of celibacy after a long-term, just awful, dishonest relationship, I shall throw in my two cents as well:

Just don't be like me and cut yourself off forever, thinking you're not ready to move on. Dating never sounded appealing to me... ever. I knew I was ready way too long after the fact. For me, too long is when I feel it's too late... which is often how I feel. True or not.

 

[fgarvb1]

I will soon be in the same position except I don't really expect very many problems.

Never date expecting sex. True, you might have good reasons to suspect that the opportunity for sex could happen.

The thing to do is to relax and have fun.

If the timing and person feels right fine... but if not, you have the right and responsibility to say NO.

You are in charge of yourself and what you do.

If it doesn't feel right don't try to force it.

This will not be my first or even second rodeo and I have learned a few things.

Onward Through The Fog!

 

[westcoastin]

Thank you all

JAMESBJOHNSON:

Thank you for your response. This "when I am ready, it will be fine" has been my mantra for a while. Divorced legally for years now, and emotionally for more than 7 at this point. It mostly works for me except that I am of course missing the roommate/companionship sometimes which makes me keep bumping into the question of it being fear of a new relationship or fear of admitting to myself that actually being single is better for me. That is my worry sometimes too actually, that the dating would just be awful.

fire_breeze:

Thank you for your response. I guess I have a hard time believing that people really can have uncomplicated NSA connections. I don't know if that is something I would want or not. Again, I walk between the idea of it being worth it or not. Sex is great, but the choreography of life to stage it to make it possible and then ACTUALLY fulfilling... is daunting.

I think I have honored my grief of what ended. I did the counseling and took the time to really come to terms with it all. He is good person, and I feel at peace with it all when I think about it for the most part. I think my friends do think that I am stuck and clinging because they do not understand why I am not "out there" again yet. I keep trying to trust my internals on this one, but sometimes our friends are the voice we need to hear too.

pfflyerhot:

Thank you for your response. I am sorry that you had a hard time. Yours is the point I wrestle with the most I think. How long IS too long? Or is it that I really do actually want to just be single? Do you ever get the feeling from friends or family that there is something "wrong" with you if you don't want to have a relationship?

How did you start dating even when you didn't want to? Doesn't it seem odd that you pushed yourself into something you didn't want? Or was it that you were scared to move on?

You have a beautiful voice by the way.

fgarvb1:

Thank you for your response. So you are newly divorced? Are you excited to be dating? It seems more common that people are ready for the next relationship (casual or otherwise) or at least possibility so fast. I remember dating a fair amount before marriage, and liking the rush of possibility each time there was someone new. But after this divorce, that excitement about a forever someone romantic things feels more than a bit naive. Maybe, even though I don't feel bad about it, I am just a bit too jaded? Maybe monogamy = burnout somehow. Yeah, that does sound jaded doesn't it?

 

[tonguedancer]

I see you've already gotten some good advice and have some of your own thoughts. I cannot speak from personal experience but only through the eyes of a friend of mine who went through it. He started out trying to date right away (the rebound sex as people referred to). It wasn't him. He carried too much bitterness and it all backfired on him. He had to give it almost a hear before he started thinking of women as real people again.

I suppose everybody is different. Some get divorced and then have to run out and try to prove to themselves and others that they "still got it" and maybe that just makes things worse. If you get rejected trying to prove you "still got it" it just convinces you that "you ain't got it". I'm guessing some casual friendly dating with dinner and theater or such other things might be best and especially if you can learn NOT to talk about divorce and the baggage you're carrying. Again just a guess on my part but you don't want to come off as a pathetic needy "Allen Harper" on that show "Two and a Half Men."

 

[COCK_STAR]

I suggest you go get your testosterone levels checked.

 

[lovecraft68]

I suggest you go get your testosterone levels checked.

Says the guy who took his name from an herbal ED pill

 

[fire_breeze]

I suggest you go get your testosterone levels checked.

Why? Because the OP doesn't want nor finds the idea of NSA sex palpable? There is nothing to suggest in any of the OP's post that would necessitate a testosterone level check. Maybe the OP enjoys being single after a 20 year relationship. And despite this being an erotica forum, not everyone is wired to have NSA sex or even enjoys it. Erotica, my dear, comes in all forms.

Being emotionally ready to start dating again has nothing to do with sexual readiness.


ETA: there's nothing to suggest that the OP is male; only that the OP's former partner is male.

 

[COCK_STAR]

Says the guy who took his name from an herbal ED pill

Lets not use math it logic here... Guy says he was married for 20 years. That puts him in his early 40's at the youngest. Lack of motivation and sexual desire for a man in his 40's usually points to low testosterone. Hey, I could be wrong... But I would at least get it checked out.

 

[lovecraft68]

Lets not use math it logic here... Guy says he was married for 20 years. That puts him in his early 40's at the youngest. Lack of motivation and sexual desire for a man in his 40's usually points to low testosterone. Hey, I could be wrong... But I would at least get it checked out.

Good theory,

But....

The big head dictates the little head. When a person is not right and not confident or nervous guess what does not happen?

Many times when a man gets divorced-especially if he has been with one partner for a long time- sex with another person can be daunting and if the sex in the marriage was bad and confidence and sexual self esteem is low...the sex drive suffers, you tell yourself you don;t want it as an excuse to avoid potential embarrassment.

Women feel this as well, but for women they can b nervous and still "perform" men need to know they can if that makes sense.

People talk about the "first sex" after a divorce all the time, Its a big deal.

 

[fgarvb1]

fgarvb1:

Thank you for your response. So you are newly divorced? Are you excited to be dating? It seems more common that people are ready for the next relationship (casual or otherwise) or at least possibility so fast. I remember dating a fair amount before marriage, and liking the rush of possibility each time there was someone new. But after this divorce, that excitement about a forever someone romantic things feels more than a bit naive. Maybe, even though I don't feel bad about it, I am just a bit too jaded? Maybe monogamy = burnout somehow. Yeah, that does sound jaded doesn't it?

No.

I am not even separated Yet...It's complicated.

I hoping to be divorced by the end of the year but several things have to fall in line first.

She has to find a house. we have to sell the Cabin on the river and a few other things.

Oh, yeah..AND FILE!

But, in the fullness of time I will be Divorced yet again.

A sorry state of affairs if you ask me because I only intended to get married once.

Life doesn't always work out as we plan!

This Divorce is a good thing if expensive.

I expect it will take me a few months to get back into the single life with dating and stuff but I'm not worried about it.

Everything in it's proper time and way.

My main goals are to enjoy some life and save for retirement.

 

[amofiga]

Lets not use math it logic here... Guy says he was married for 20 years. That puts him in his early 40's at the youngest. Lack of motivation and sexual desire for a man in his 40's usually points to low testosterone. Hey, I could be wrong... But I would at least get it checked out.

Age 40 should be well too early for any real testosterone level drop. In my own limited experience, my 40's seemed like a "second puberty" and my sex drive took a step upward. I know the theory says it starts to drop in your 40's but I don't think it really starts to drop off the table till you get near or into your 60's. I think attitude is at least as important as hormone level.

Emotions and stress are probably a lot bigger factor in sexual desire and performance than simple hormone levels. Something like a divorce or death or lost job, etc can kick the shit out of anyone's sex drive oe "boner power". Besides, it doesn't seem like the OP is talking about raw sex drive but the desire or lack of desire of connecting with women via dating after what is one of the top ten, maybe top five, stress producing negative life events there are.

It seems like just stepping back, taking stock, and letting things happen naturally in their own time is what's needed. If necessary, it might not hurt to talk to a counselor........or a good bartender. OK, it might not hurt to get physical with a testosterone check just to eliminate any question in that area. However, stress, financial loss, divorce, family/friend death......all are desire killers for sure.

 

[pfflyerhot]

pfflyerhot:
Thank you for your response. I am sorry that you had a hard time. Yours is the point I wrestle with the most I think. How long IS too long? Or is it that I really do actually want to just be single? Do you ever get the feeling from friends or family that there is something "wrong" with you if you don't want to have a relationship?
How did you start dating even when you didn't want to? Doesn't it seem odd that you pushed yourself into something you didn't want? Or was it that you were scared to move on?
You have a beautiful voice by the way.

I did not want a relationship for a long time... Eventually, the "not want" became my mindset, a habit... a better reason to avoid dating than to admit I was afraid of being hurt. I pushed myself into nothing. I liked being single... don't mind it still. But, I cut myself completely off to ANY kind of relationship with a man under the guise of "I like being single...". Really, I had no trust in people, mostly myself. I know now... that although I did like being single, I short-changed myself on intimacy in my life, be it emotional or physical... Something I long for today, but wonder if it's even possible.
So... Don't wait too long.

 

[westcoastin]

Sorry it has taken me a while to respond. So much to think about with all these posts. Though I am unsure a out what to do, I do thank you all for your time and thoughts.