More Humour

[Handley_Page]

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND

10. Cats’ facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren’t just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

AND, the Number One thing only women understand:
1. OTHER WOMEN

 

[DG Hear]

(( from my archive of over 10,000 1-liners collected over the years, but I have elaborate jokes too, if that is more the norm ))

Feel free to post one liners or any other humorus items you would like to share and thank you for posting to the humor thread.
DG

 

[Handley_Page]

Idiots?

IDIOT SIGHTING #1

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the girl a £5 note. Our total was £4.20, so I also handed her a Twenty pence piece She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but that way you can just give me a pound back."
She was puzzled and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the 20 pence and said 'We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing.'
The girl then proceeded to give me back 80 pence in change!

Do not confuse the staff at MacDonald’s.


IDIOT SIGHTING #2

We had to have the garage door repaired.. The GARADOR repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one GARADOR made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Madam, you need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used Garador repair since. Happened in Moor Park, Nr Watford UK


IDIOT SIGHTING #3

I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the local town council office to request the removal of the "DEER CROSSING" sign on our road.
She said the reason was: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing any more.'

Story from Potters Bar, Herts, UK



IDIOT SIGHTING #4

My daughter went to a local Kentucky Fried and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

From South Oxhey. Herts. , UK...


IDIOT SIGHTING #5
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an Irish airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge”?
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
Happened Luton Airport ... UK


IDIOT SIGHTING #6

The stop-light on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red...
Appalled, she responded, 'what on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She is a Local County Councillor employee in Harrow, Middlesex, UK


IDIOT SIGHTING #7

When my husband and I arrived at Our Local Ford dealer to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
'Hey,' I announced to the Fitter/Mechanic, 'its open!'
His reply, 'I know. I have already done that side.'

This was at Ford dealership in St Albans, Hertfordshire UK.


IDIOT SIGHTING #8
A coach party were out for the day, stopped off at a refreshment halt in Hertfordshire and queued up for tea and coffee. One group asked for "Six decaffeinated please”, to which the girl replied: “Sorry, we only do coffee!”




STAY ALERT!
They walk among us, and the scary part is that they have the RIGHT TO VOTE and to REPRODUCE!

 

[Weird Harold]

STAY ALERT!
They walk among us, and the scary part is that they have the RIGHT TO VOTE and to REPRODUCE!

It's nice to know that those jokes are adaptable enough they can be relocated to the UK without harming the humor.

 

[nymph817]

Feel free to post one liners or any other humorus items you would like to share and thank you for posting to the humor thread.
DG

Thanks ! That's very kind of you. Nicest greeting I've gotten yet. OK, let's see. Here's one of my favs:

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ...(wait for it !) ...

A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

 

[Handley_Page]

It's nice to know that those jokes are adaptable enough they can be relocated to the UK without harming the humor.

While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.

 

[DG Hear]

Gotta love Little Johnnie

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath...

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467" he said. "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Chip & Dip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample. They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog shit!" Then I would say, "It is dog shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?

I used the government approach of giving you something shitty for free, and then making you pay to get the taste out of your mouth."

 

[Handley_Page]

Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."
Joe: "Really?"
Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her, I didn't believe in Hell."
___________________________________________

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.
"I’m O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-word the doctor used during the surgery," he answered.
“What did he say," asked the nurse.
"Oops!"
___________________________________________

While shopping for vacation clothes, my wife and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since she had even
considered buying a bathing suit, so she sought my advice.
"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a two piece or an all-in-one?"'

It was at this point I lost my senses: "Better get the two piece," I said. "You'd never get it all in one."

I expect the stitches out next week and the plaster casts in a month.

___________________________________________

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's arrived!"
______________________________________________________________

 

[DG Hear]

Good one HP! They made me smile, I like to smile.
DG

 

[nymph817]

Gotta love Little Johnnie
I used the government approach of giving you something shitty for free, and then making you pay to get the taste out of your mouth."

Omy ! I certainly DON'T love little Johnnie for that ! Here's 20 more from my queue.

11. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

12. War does not determine who is right - only who is LEFT. (from my poem)

13. Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

14. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

15. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

16. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

17. Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.

18. If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong.

19. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

20. If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

21. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea, does that mean that one enjoys it ?

22. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

23. Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

24. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..

25. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire ?

26. Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

27. Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish ?

28. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

29. A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

30. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR." What's my mother going to do ?

 

[Handley_Page]

One Monday morning the postman is walking through the neighbourhood on is usual route, delivering the mail.As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by David, the home-owner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.

'Wow David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman comments.
David, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4 am Sunday morning.
'We had about 15 couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing 'WHO AM I.'

The Postman thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'

'Well',, says David, 'all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is..'

The postman laughs and says, 'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.'

'Probably a good thing you did,' David responded. 'Your name came up 7 times.'

 

[beachbum1958]

AUSTRALIAN LETTER - I think the sender might have been upset!

This is allegedly an actual letter sent to the DFAT (Department of Foreign Affairs and Trade) Immigration Minister. The Government tried desperately to censure the author, but got nowhere because every legal person who read it couldn’t stop laughing!

Dear Mr Minister,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this.

How is it that K-Mart has my address and telephone number, and knows that I bought a television set and golf clubs and condoms from them back in 1997, and yet the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born
and on what date ?

For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand?

My birth date you have in my Medicare information, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 40 years.

It is also on my driver's licence, on the last eight passports I've ever had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off planes
over the past 30 years.

It's also on all those insufferable census forms that I've filled out every 5 years since 1966.

Also... would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Audrey, my father's name is Jack, and I'd be absolutely bloody astounded if that ever
changed between now and when I drop dead !!!

SHIT! What do you people do with all this information we keep having to provide?

I apologize, Mr. Minister. But I'm really pissed off this morning.

Between you and me, I've had enough of all this bullshit!

You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my bloody address!

What the hell is going on with your mob? Have you got a gang of mindless Neanderthal arseholes working there!

And another thing, look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I can't even grow a beard for God's sakes. I just want to go to New Zealand and see my new granddaughter. (Yes, my son interbred with a Kiwi girl). And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether or not I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? In the unlikely event I ever got the urge to do something weird to a sheep or a horse, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!

Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other side of Sydney , and get another bloody copy of my birth certificate - and to part with another $80 for the privilege of accessing MY OWN INFORMATION!

Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot, to assist in the issuance of a new passport on the same day?

Nooooo…that'd be too bloody easy and makes far too much sense.

You would much prefer to have us running all over the bloody place like chickens with our heads cut off, and then having to find some 'high-society' wanker to confirm that it's really me in the goddamn photo! You know the photo... the one where we're not allowed to smile?...you bloody morons.

Signed - An Irate Australian Citizen.

P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture, and getting someone in 'high-society' to confirm that it's me?
Well, my family has been in this country since before 1820! In 1856, one of my forefathers took up arms with Peter Lalor. (You do remember the Eureka Stockade!)

I have also served in both the CMF and regular Army for something over 30 years (I went to Vietnam in 1967), and still have high security clearances. I'm also a personal friend of the president of the RSL..Lt General Peter Cosgrove sends me a Christmas card each year.

However, your rules require that I have to get someone "important" to verify who I am; you know...someone like my doctor - WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN BLOODY PAKISTAN!..a country where they either assassinate or hang their ex-Prime Ministers - and are suspended from
the Commonwealth and United Nations for not having the "right sort of government"..

You are all pen-pushing paper-shuffling bloody idiots!

 

[nymph817]

AUSTRALIAN LETTER - I think the sender might have been upset!

... Dear Mr Minister, ... You are all pen-pushing paper-shuffling bloody idiots!

Having worked for the government. I can relate to this, Beach Bum. When I was employed by them, it was so CRAZY I actually wrote an entire book on the way they handled things and the way treated me. Sorry to say they are totally loony

Here is another pun for you.

It came to pass that these three friars who were behind on their payments to the ministry, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.

He politely asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.

At wit's end the rival florist finally hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh first tried to intimidate them by his size and bearing. The friars still wouldn't close their flower business.

So ultimately he beat up the poor friars, trashed their flower store, and said if they didn't close their show by evening, he'd be back to kill them all later.

Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

 

[Tio_Narratore]

Quasimodo awoke one Sunday morn in a particular jubilant and energetic mood. He started right in at the bells, with a gusto that no one had seen before. Back and forth he ran, pulling the bell ropes faster and faster. On one pass, however, he overstepped the stony ledge and plummeted from the campanile into the river below.

Miraculously he rose to the surface uninjured, still clutching the bell rope in his hands. His jubilance renewed at this salvation from a watery tomb, he burst into song as he recommenced his work.

"I'm ringing in the Seine, Just ringing in the Seine.."

 

[CarlusMagnus]

AUSTRALIAN LETTER - I think the sender might have been upset!

This is allegedly an actual letter sent to the DFAT (Department of Foreign Affairs and Trade) Immigration Minister.
.
.
.

One wonders, on the other hand, whether we really want all of that information in the hands of a single government agency—let alone every one of them!

 

[Tio_Narratore]

Fear not, Carlus! When being reviewed for security clearance, I discovered that one of the US federal agencies had three separate files on me, none of them cross-referenced to the other. You see, they keep asking for our information because they have no idea who anyone really is.

Still, to be on the safe side you might want to know How Not To Be Seen.

 

[Handley_Page]

A young man moved into his first flat of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'

Clearing his throat, he stammered .... 'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming........................








...... that was me!!!!!!!!

 

[CarlusMagnus]

Fear not, Carlus! When being reviewed for security clearance, I discovered that one of the US federal agencies had three separate files on me, none of them cross-referenced to the other. You see, they keep asking for our information because they have no idea who anyone really is.

Of course they don't know who anyone really is. If they don't know who you really are, they've fewer moral scruples about fucking you over!

 

[nymph817]

01. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

02. He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

03. We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.

04. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

05. Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

06. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

07. Women may not hit harder, but they may hit lower.

08. A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

09. Just remember ... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

10. Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

11. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

12. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

13. I always take life with a grain of salt, ... plus a slice of lemon, ... and a shot of tequila.

14. I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.

15. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

16. You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket ... well, I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.

17. Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.

18. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

19. A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.

20. A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

21. If winning isn't everything than why are you keeping score ?

22. Some people hear voices ... Some see invisible people ... Others have no imagination whatsoever.

23. A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as opposed to when you are actually in it.

24. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked ?

25. I have never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep.

In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

 

[Tio_Narratore]

"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by." - Douglas Adams

 

[Handley_Page]

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.'

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused.

They faxed.

They e-mailed.

They e-mailed with attachments.

They downloaded..

They did spreadsheets!

They wrote reports.

They created labels and cards..

They created charts and graphs..

They did some genealogy reports .

They did every job known to humankind.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off..

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.

Jesus just sighed..

Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:

'It's gone! It's all GONE! 'I lost everything when the power went out!'
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.

Satan observed this and became irate.

'Wait!' he screamed. 'That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?'

God just shrugged and said,

JESUS SAVES....

 

[NaokoSmith]

OK, I've only worked a quarter way down this page and already I'm laughing on this sunny morning as I put another load in the washing machine. Thank you guys!


Nymph817, the Mahatma Ghandhi one made me Laugh Out Loud!

 

[curl4ever]

Hi Naoko!

Welcome to my favorite corner of Literotica.
There are several comedy geniuses posting here regularly that keep us rolling in the aisles.

- curl

 

[Handley_Page]

Caller Question

The famous sex therapist was on the radio taking questions when a caller asked,
"Doctor, I want to know, why do men always want to marry a virgin? "

To which the doctor handily responded, "To avoid criticism."

 

[nymph817]

OK, I've only worked a quarter way down this page and already I'm laughing on this sunny morning as I put another load in the washing machine. Thank you guys!


Nymph817, the Mahatma Ghandhi one made me Laugh Out Loud!

Glad you liked it, Naoko ! I think I forgot a few from my queue, backtracking a little ...


31. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

32. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

33. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

34. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it ... So I said "Implants ?"

35. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

36. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet ?

37. God must love stupid people. He made SO many.

38. The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so they can tell when they are really in trouble.

39. Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.

40. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

41. Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.

42. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas !

43. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

44. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

45. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

46. Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.

47. He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

48. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

49. It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end.

50. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.