Moon on Bourbon Street

[naughtychanteusez]

Hi Everyone,

I would love feedback on my newest story: "Moon On Bourbon Street", this seems like the place to get it!

Here's the link: http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=321343

I promise to respond to feedback....my stories seem ignored sometimes and sometimes with good reason, but I think this one is good so I would love some positive criticism.

Thanks!

Naughty Chanteusez

 

[MarshAlien]

[size=+2]A link, everyone! She gave us a link![/size]

That's two points right there. I'll have to get back to you on the story.

 

[MarshAlien]

My job here at the story feedback forum is to tell people that they need more dialogue in their stories, and you, for example, need more dialogue in your story. But Marsh, I hear you say, it's supposed to be a mysterious stranger. There's no chatting going on here. Maybe so, but I think that what would help your story is a better introduction. Your last sentence in your first paragraph does nothing for the story:

She had been separated from her friends but they had all planned on meeting back at their hotel if just such a separation did occur, so she did not care in the least and continued her mad barrage of mischief and naughtiness.

We never hear about these people again, and the "mad barrage of mischief and naughtiness" is a little too trite. Think, though, how much more effective this would be if you started the story with Emily and her friends. We would learn more about her, and you could show us her mischievous side without having to simply tell us that she has one. That, imho, would really bring the readers into the story.

Your word choices are odd in a number of places. In the first line, you have people droning, a word I associate with talking, or at least noise. You seem to want to use it to mean "snaking" or "meandering." "Safe harbor" is a bit much; why not just "safety." And instead of "Emily behind the safety of her feathered mask smiled broadly," which is clunky, how about "Emily smiled broadly behind the safety of her mask."

Finally, you have a tendency to write in pairs. In the first paragraph alone, we have celebration and wonder; paths and sights (the and is there in our minds); chit chat and gestures; pinched and blew; and mischief and naughtiness. I think that pairs can work well, but you have to keep them down to maintain their effect.

It's an interesting idea, but I think it would be even more interesting if you use the opening of the story to give us a little insight into Emily.

 

[rachlou]

Marsh is right - you need more dialogue. I never really felt as is i knew who Emily was and it would have helped if you had elaborated on your introduction a little. More interaction with her friends prior to her becoming separated would have helped.

The story idea was an interesting one. Using the scene whereby she unwittingly walked in on the mysterious stranger spanking a woman, was pretty good. Part of me kept thinking, "No! Don't wander into a derelict house - there might be a serial killer in it!" Then I remembered - this is Lit, not the movies.

You hinted at Emilys relationship with her father a couple of times. I think you could have developed this via a more detailed flashback. It would have made an interesting peice of back story.

You used some very descriptive phrases, some of which worked well - some not so well.

Her full round breasts exploded out of the bodice as one would explode from a fiery keep

This one made me stop for sure! Exploding breasts seem slightly gory!

...a full flush from her rear began to grow into a bonfire of stinging nettles.

This was far more evocative.

Overall you painted a good scene and I think you have a way with words. The story would benfit from some editing, just to clean it up. There were several missing words etc.

Look to building up your characters more, this makes us care about them and draws us into the story.