PrevertOne
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2009
- Posts
- 1,961
My new story just dropped https://literotica.com/s/monster-maternity-mansion-pt-01 Enjoy everyone 
Feedback appreciated
Feedback appreciated Monster Maternity Mansion: Part One
- Thread starter PrevertOne
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AWhoopsieDaisy
Just Call Me Daisy
- Joined
- Feb 27, 2022
- Posts
- 563
A bit of a porn without plot. That's fine, not everything has to be high brown. Just a bit of whiplash as someone used to having to read through a page or so of setup before the sex happens.
What really stands out to me is Sadie. I'm a lesbian and as such I read a lot of trashy garbage because that's just gay culture for ya. The camp is fun. It reads a little bit like parody. Could have gone without the vomit bit at the end.
But Sadie... I dunno. Is this what men like? Hot girls going through the motions with no personality or light behind the eyes? I can't tell if you're into bimbos or just don't know how women work. I get that this likely exists for the Male gaze and not my own but, good lord is Sadie annoying as a protagonist.
I feel like a total asshole for critiquing so hard here. There's no such thing as bad writers, only bad writing. I think if you really took some time and effort into fleshing out the character you could make something really cool out of this.
What really stands out to me is Sadie. I'm a lesbian and as such I read a lot of trashy garbage because that's just gay culture for ya. The camp is fun. It reads a little bit like parody. Could have gone without the vomit bit at the end.
But Sadie... I dunno. Is this what men like? Hot girls going through the motions with no personality or light behind the eyes? I can't tell if you're into bimbos or just don't know how women work. I get that this likely exists for the Male gaze and not my own but, good lord is Sadie annoying as a protagonist.
I feel like a total asshole for critiquing so hard here. There's no such thing as bad writers, only bad writing. I think if you really took some time and effort into fleshing out the character you could make something really cool out of this.
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