Monogamous Vs Non Monogamous

[EasyBrad59]

Hey. I'm not against you.

The difference between your position and mine is that I respect your agency as a human being to disagree with me. That was the first thing I communicated to you.

I called you out because I know where the chain of beliefs you are describing leads, and it is nowhere pleasant. Not for you, not for the people you love, and not for your impact on the world at large. If that sounds presumptive on my part, you can either write me off in anger, or take my lack of defensiveness as evidence of lived experience. I have been on the receiving end of the precise attitude you describe for most of my life, and it has caused me incredible harm.

Thankfully, I've turned that harm into personal growth. Just because I respect your capacity to disagree, does not mean I feel comfortable allowing your position to go unchallenged. Not just for your sake, but for anyone else who might be reading.

Love is much more vast than you're giving it credit for. True love is a solipsistic fantasy that diminishes those it ensnares. The fewer artificial boundaries you put on love, the more beautiful it can be. The more you allow your own insecurities to define it, the more destructive it will become. It's a knife's edge we all have to find our own way into walking. I wish you well on that journey.

Very well articulated. I wholeheartedly agree with that last paragraph. I know my insecurities along with my partner’s insecurities in the past led to the destruction and demise of the relationships. I certainly don’t want to create any artificial boundaries going forward and truly would want my partner to have total freedom.

 

[BiggDogg91]

I'm tried of this BS: so I'm gonna say this and be done with all of this BS. I mean what I say, and always say what I mean. I keep it , which means I keep it real. I will not sugar coat my words for anyone. My beliefs are my beliefs. If anyone of you wanna take it there. Let's take it there. Please remember that this is a erotic site: just in case anyone wanna respond to what I just said.

 

[EasyBrad59]

I'm tried of this BS: so I'm gonna say this and be done with all of this BS. I mean what I say, and always say what I mean. I keep it , which means I keep it real. I will not sugar coat my words for anyone. My beliefs are my beliefs. If anyone of you wanna take it there. Let's take it there. Please remember that this is an erotic site: just in case anyone wanna respond to what I just said.

I totally respect what you are saying. I admire all of the monogamous couples that make it work. I just want something different at this stage in my life.

 

[BiggDogg91]

I will say this and finally be done with this BS. You can believe and think whatever you want to, about what true love and marriage is. Like I said before I know what true love and marriage should be, and look like. You do whatever you feel is right. I will do what I know is right.

 

[CountryBoyy]

Let me ask everyone on Literotica a question? Monogamous or Non Monogamous? Why do people feel the need to be in a non monogamous relationship? There is nothing wrong with being in a mongamous relationship. Let's keep it :that means let's keep it real and tell the truth. I would like to hear from the single men and women,as well as the married men and women.

You are right! There is nothing wrong with being in a monogamous relationship. I think more people would benefit from being in a monogamous relationship vs being in a non monogamous relationship. That's just my opinion.

 

[mrsrobinsonxx]

All married couples should have that conversation about a non-monogamous marriage. They don't have to enter into one, but I'm sure they'll find the conversation extremely thought-provoking and stimulating, especially if the conversation is frank and honest. Telling each other their innermost secrets, their sexual history, their current crushes, who turns them on, especially those people close to home, friends and neighbours. We think we all know our spouses well...........but, do we really ?

I had that conversation with my husband, a few years ago. We'd always enjoyed a great sex life together, but that took it to a whole new level. Like I said, you don't have to enter into such a relationship, but just the thought that your partner has thought about it, doesn't half hit the spot.

 

[LatinaCarmen1980]

All married couples should have that conversation about a non-monogamous marriage. They don't have to enter into one, but I'm sure they'll find the conversation extremely thought-provoking and stimulating, especially if the conversation is frank and honest. Telling each other their innermost secrets, their sexual history, their current crushes, who turns them on, especially those people close to home, friends and neighbours. We think we all know our spouses well...........but, do we really ?

I had that conversation with my husband, a few years ago. We'd always enjoyed a great sex life together, but that took it to a whole new level. Like I said, you don't have to enter into such a relationship, but just the thought that your partner has thought about it, doesn't half hit the spot.

We had that conversation before we got married. In fact, it reinforced our own feelings about how we thought of each other. Neither of us were virgins but we were young. In the end, being fully open about our past helped us explore together. Like you said, you don't have to enter into that kind of relationship, but bottom line is that being open definitely saves on heartache (at least for us).

 

[mrsrobinsonxx]

We had that conversation before we got married. In fact, it reinforced our own feelings about how we thought of each other. Neither of us were virgins but we were young. In the end, being fully open about our past helped us explore together. Like you said, you don't have to enter into that kind of relationship, but bottom line is that being open definitely saves on heartache (at least for us).

Like you, we were long past the virgin status. We were both in our mid-twenties, but, to be honest, we hadn't really spoken about previous lovers. But, of course, it was apparent on that first night, that we were certainly knew what we were doing, to put it mildly.
Our first real conversation, about our past, was after about 5 years together, when we'd bumped into an old University friend of mine. My husband did ask me about my relationship with the guy and, probably due to the amount of wine we'd both consumed, I spilled the beans, as it were. We've always been fairly energetic in bed, but that night, it was almost frantic.

 

[LatinaCarmen1980]

Like you, we were long past the virgin status. We were both in our mid-twenties, but, to be honest, we hadn't really spoken about previous lovers. But, of course, it was apparent on that first night, that we were certainly knew what we were doing, to put it mildly.
Our first real conversation, about our past, was after about 5 years together, when we'd bumped into an old University friend of mine. My husband did ask me about my relationship with the guy and, probably due to the amount of wine we'd both consumed, I spilled the beans, as it were. We've always been fairly energetic in bed, but that night, it was almost frantic.

That's what makes it so exciting. You talk, you learn, you explore together! We have always been really open and our sex life has benefited from it.

 

[mrsrobinsonxx]

That's what makes it so exciting. You talk, you learn, you explore together! We have always been really open and our sex life has benefited from it.

I don't think we'd really benefit from a completely open relationship. To me, that would best work with clearly defined boundaries, if that makes sense. Who you can go with, and who you can't. A couple of friends, of ours, are in one, and they have a no-friends policy, it has to be strangers, such as a like-minded couple they meet on holiday.

 

[LatinaCarmen1980]

I don't think we'd really benefit from a completely open relationship. To me, that would best work with clearly defined boundaries, if that makes sense. Who you can go with, and who you can't. A couple of friends, of ours, are in one, and they have a no-friends policy, it has to be strangers, such as a like-minded couple they meet on holiday.

We don't have an open relationship, but we are open about our desires and needs. The freedom to express ourselves and genuinely want to listen to each other has just made our marriage fun!

 

[CountryBoyy]

All married couples should have that conversation about a non-monogamous marriage. They don't have to enter into one, but I'm sure they'll find the conversation extremely thought-provoking and stimulating, especially if the conversation is frank and honest. Telling each other their innermost secrets, their sexual history, their current crushes, who turns them on, especially those people close to home, friends and neighbours. We think we all know our spouses well...........but, do we really ?

I had that conversation with my husband, a few years ago. We'd always enjoyed a great sex life together, but that took it to a whole new level. Like I said, you don't have to enter into such a relationship, but just the thought that your partner has thought about it, doesn't half hit the spot.

You said all married couples should have that conversation. I think that conversation should be had way before marriage is even thought about.

 

[LatinaCarmen1980]

You said all married couples should have that conversation. I think that conversation should be had way before marriage is even thought about.

She is right though. Better late than never, right?

 

[CountryBoyy]

She is right though. Better late than never, right?

Wrong!!! That conversation should be had when you start getting to know that person. I think you should find out everything you can about that person.

 

[CountryBoyy]

Let me say this: I think you should have that conversation about being in a non monogamous relationship, while you are getting to know that person. When you are dating someone you should find out everything you can about that person. You should know about that person's past life,as well as past lovers. How they feel about being in a monogamous relationship vs a non monogamous relationship. Especially ask that person how they feel about cheating and being cheated on. This is just my opinion.

 

[LatinaCarmen1980]

You're not entirely wrong. My husband and I decided to open up and while we have never been in an open marriage, we do have a better understanding of each other's needs and desires. Still, I have met several couples (not from Lit) that decided to have those discussions AFTER they married. Some of them grew because of it and some, unfortunately, struggled afterward (but they recovered). I get it. I do.

It is important that the person you want to say, "I do," is the person that knows you and you know the most of. But that's in an ideal world and as you know, we live in a less than ideal one. To say that it's wrong to open up after the marriage in itself is wrong. And, just for clarification, I'm not talking about partners that cheat or want to cheat. I'm talking about couples that open up about their sexual desires and if it's something they share, why not try it?

Open marriage is not for us and it's not for many people. But being open about your sexual desires with your partner should be normal. Some things need to stay in fantasy land. Others can be explored. But you won't know what is what and which is which unless you open up... again. better late than never. It's really dependent on the strength of your relationship.

Just my $0.02

 

[CountryBoyy]

You're not entirely wrong. My husband and I decided to open up and while we have never been in an open marriage, we do have a better understanding of each other's needs and desires. Still, I have met several couples (not from Lit) that decided to have those discussions AFTER they married. Some of them grew because of it and some, unfortunately, struggled afterward (but they recovered). I get it. I do.

It is important that the person you want to say, "I do," is the person that knows you and you know the most of. But that's in an ideal world and as you know, we live in a less than ideal one. To say that it's wrong to open up after the marriage in itself is wrong. And, just for clarification, I'm not talking about partners that cheat or want to cheat. I'm talking about couples that open up about their sexual desires and if it's something they share, why not try it?

Open marriage is not for us and it's not for many people. But being open about your sexual desires with your partner should be normal. Some things need to stay in fantasy land. Others can be explored. But you won't know what is what and which is which unless you open up... again. better late than never. It's really dependent on the strength of your relationship.

Just my $0.02

I mean what I say and say what I mean. With that being said ,I stand by what I said. You should know everything about that person you want to marry. Before you get married couples should have that conversation about everything. When I say everything I mean everything.That's my opinion and I'm sticking by it.

 

[LatinaCarmen1980]

I mean what I say and say what I mean. With that being said ,I stand by what I said. You should know everything about that person you want to marry. Before you get married couples should have that conversation about everything. When I say everything I mean everything.That's my opinion and I'm sticking by it.

lol. Okay. I guess all those marriages where they didn't share everything are just failed marriages.

And those marriages that shared everything after the fact are also failures.

Have a great day!

 

[MaturemanAJ]

I agree with @LoneMilf my wife and I haven't been monogamous during our marriage and we talk about it now that if something happened to the other neither of us would marry again.
We both have bi interest and so many people don't agree with that it would be very difficult to find a partner that accepted that part of us.

 

[CountryBoyy]

Let me say this and be done with this. Truth is what is needed in a relationship. If you are not going to be truthful in the beginning of the relationship, Why even get into the relationship? I know that we live in a ideal world . When you are getting to know that person, you should want to know everything about that person. When I say everything I mean everything.

 

[MaturemanAJ]

Let me say this and be done with this. Truth is what is needed in a relationship. If you are not going to be truthful in the beginning of the relationship, Why even get into the relationship? I know that we live in a ideal world . When you are getting to know that person, you should want to know everything about that person. When I say everything I mean everything.

That sounds good but so many people are not good at communicating or something happened early in life or in life depending on age they don't want to discuss things openly.
We have been together 45 years and I still need to drag stuff out of her

 

[LatinaCarmen1980]

That sounds good but so many people are not good at communicating or something happened early in life or in life depending on age they don't want to discuss things openly.
We have been together 45 years and I still need to drag stuff out of her

There's nothing wrong with that. We're all different. Some of us have unhealed trauma. Some of us didn't grow up in a home where communication was open. You know what the beauty of marriage is? Two imperfect people WORKING to build and care for the marriage. Two people WORKING to make things better for each other. Does every marriage work? Of course not. Is every life long marriage a happy one? Of course not. There are goals to strive for. I agree with Countryboyy in that a marriage should start with a solid foundation of openness and trust, but not every marriage starts out that way. Mine didn't and yet I couldn't be happier BECAUSE we work hard to make it work. We're not perfect but I couldn't see myself marrying anyone else either. We're just two people striving to make each other happier by working at it together

 

[awired50]

Well said Carmen!
It's like mutual masturbation, you learn so much about what turns your partner on and even off.

 

[Celticlight]

Yes I think I agree more with this..

Truth is what is needed in a relationship

..to the point where I’d see it as a basic fundamental, than this...

When you are getting to know that person, you should want to know everything about that person. When I say everything I mean everything.

…which is clearly true for some but I’d say isn’t necessarily true for me.

If someone has some hugely traumatic or embarrassing thing in their past, or even are just quite different as a person to how they are now (and is happy/keen to keep the two separate), then I don’t want to dredge this unpleasant or humiliating thing from them. If, later on, you’ve built your relationship to the point where they can confide in you and feel completely safe, then obviously that’s wonderful and I’ll feel so privileged that they feel ok to share it. But if they never do, and it’s not inhibiting who I am with them now, then I won’t worry about not knowing it. I may sometimes not fully understand what’s driving someone’s behaviour, or I may know that there are aspects about them that are basically not fully out in the open. But if they don’t want to share them, either to feel safe or some other non-dishonest reason, then that’s fine for me, really.

As a separate but linked thought, I’ve had a previous long-term partner who was far less experienced sexually and, frankly, didn’t want to be. She was, and I daresay still is, very happily vanilla. Had I regaled her with my litany of sexual and more adventurous experiences then I expect she’d have stopped me at some point, to the effect of ‘why are you doing this? What benefit is it serving?’. I do think there are times when it’s fine, arguably better, not to be sharing absolutely everything, if it’s not fundamentally affecting who you both are right now with each other.

But trust is a must for sure; I can’t think of situations (beyond, you know, surprise birthdays ) where I’d be thinking ‘oh they just hide their true motives/actions/feelings/needs and desires from me, and that’s completely fine and healthy and durable'.

Obviously these things are all subjective though; what works for me won’t be true of everyone! As with many things, Homestar Runner had it right, back in the day:

 

[LatinaCarmen1980]

Yes I think I agree more with this..


..to the point where I’d see it as a basic fundamental, than this...


…which is clearly true for some but I’d say isn’t necessarily true for me.

If someone has some hugely traumatic or embarrassing thing in their past, or even are just quite different as a person to how they are now (and is happy/keen to keep the two separate), then I don’t want to dredge this unpleasant or humiliating thing from them. If, later on, you’ve built your relationship to the point where they can confide in you and feel completely safe, then obviously that’s wonderful and I’ll feel so privileged that they feel ok to share it. But if they never do, and it’s not inhibiting who I am with them now, then I won’t worry about not knowing it. I may sometimes not fully understand what’s driving someone’s behaviour, or I may know that there are aspects about them that are basically not fully out in the open. But if they don’t want to share them, either to feel safe or some other non-dishonest reason, then that’s fine for me, really.

As a separate but linked thought, I’ve had a previous long-term partner who was far less experienced sexually and, frankly, didn’t want to be. She was, and I daresay still is, very happily vanilla. Had I regaled her with my litany of sexual and more adventurous experiences then I expect she’d have stopped me at some point, to the effect of ‘why are you doing this? What benefit is it serving?’. I do think there are times when it’s fine, arguably better, not to be sharing absolutely everything, if it’s not fundamentally affecting who you both are right now with each other.

But trust is a must for sure; I can’t think of situations (beyond, you know, surprise birthdays ) where I’d be thinking ‘oh they just hide their true motives/actions/feelings/needs and desires from me, and that’s completely fine and healthy and durable'.

Obviously these things are all subjective though; what works for me won’t be true of everyone! As with many things, Homestar Runner had it right, back in the day:

Wonderfully said!