Mix It Up

My main problem with your story is that you've written your character to seem to be a lot younger than what an eighteen year old would be like. As I read it, I saw a thirteen to fourteen year old, and that bothered me.

Otherwise your piece was well written.

Don't bother with reading anything of mine.
 
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drksideofthemoon said:
My main problem with your story is that you've written your character to seem to be a lot younger than what an eighteen year old would be like. As I read it, I saw a thirteen to fourteen year old, and that bothered me.

I agree here with drk though I have a couple comments to add.

In the beginning, you repeat a few things that made me wonder if the entire story would be that way, but it did clear up. Just to keep in mind for future chapters.

I’d like to see less “she” sentences. Try to mix up the words to create a better flow.

I wasn’t drawn in to where I’m excited for another chapter, but keep up the good work, this was a nice start.

Brave putting your first story out for feedback. I just had one here, too. I found it very informative and helpful. Welcome :)

Just my opinion.

ML
 
drksideofthemoon said:
My main problem with your story is that you've written your character to seem to be a lot younger than what an eighteen year old would be like. As I read it, I saw a thirteen to fourteen year old, and that bothered me.

Otherwise your piece was well written.

Don't bother with reading anything of mine.

Thanks for the feedback. Actually I'm writing Mix as a high school senior which would make her 18 yrs. old. In the next chapter, I'll make that clearer. Thanks again for taking the time to read it and respond.
 
MistressLynn said:
I agree here with drk though I have a couple comments to add.

In the beginning, you repeat a few things that made me wonder if the entire story would be that way, but it did clear up. Just to keep in mind for future chapters.

I’d like to see less “she” sentences. Try to mix up the words to create a better flow.

I wasn’t drawn in to where I’m excited for another chapter, but keep up the good work, this was a nice start.

Brave putting your first story out for feedback. I just had one here, too. I found it very informative and helpful. Welcome :)

Just my opinion.

ML

Thanks for your thoughts. Very helpful. I'll definitely keep them in mind and try to avoid those mistakes next time. I like getting feedback, both positive and negative, because I really do want to improve. Maybe I'll post some other stand-alone tales next and then continue the Mix story later on.
 
NDorado said:
Thanks for the feedback. Actually I'm writing Mix as a high school senior which would make her 18 yrs. old. In the next chapter, I'll make that clearer. Thanks again for taking the time to read it and respond.

I'm sorry, I have a hard time seeing an 18yr old young woman sitting in a closet, and drawing, it really sounds like something a 12yr old girl would do.
 
drksideofthemoon said:
I'm sorry, I have a hard time seeing an 18yr old young woman sitting in a closet, and drawing, it really sounds like something a 12yr old girl would do.

I used to do that when I was 18 (not too long ago). But I respect your opinion and I should have made it clearer. Thanks for the feedback.
 
I can see drk's problem. Not just the closet, but the way she talks, suggests someone younger than 18. Not a problem generally - just here, where very strange ideas of very strange legislators have to be stroked.

A line before the story saying all characters are 18 or older is enough.

On the values of the story, I thought it could have more depth, even though you write well - the plot is a tad bland.

Not a bad effort, please write more.

Elle
 
elfin_odalisque said:
I can see drk's problem. Not just the closet, but the way she talks, suggests someone younger than 18. Not a problem generally - just here, where very strange ideas of very strange legislators have to be stroked.

A line before the story saying all characters are 18 or older is enough.

On the values of the story, I thought it could have more depth, even though you write well - the plot is a tad bland.

Not a bad effort, please write more.

Elle

Thanks for the feedback and sorry for the late reply, Elfin. "Mix It Up" is an on-going series I'm working on and "The Private Place" is just the first chapter, so I hope the plot improves as the story progresses. "Private Place" was just the set-up.
 
NDorado said:
Thanks for the feedback and sorry for the late reply, Elfin. "Mix It Up" is an on-going series I'm working on and "The Private Place" is just the first chapter, so I hope the plot improves as the story progresses. "Private Place" was just the set-up.

I think I've commented on Mix in your other thread, looking forward to more...
 
ninefe2dg said:
I think I've commented on Mix in your other thread, looking forward to more...

And I greatly appreciate it! :) The feedback and constructive criticism has been extremely helpful. You all rock!
 
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