Missed Connections

[Olivianna]

Back in the last town I lived in, the local alt-newspaper weekly featured a section in the Personals called "Missed Connections". This was where people could post ads directed at that certain someone who they just so happened to see somewhere. For example, here's one posted on a Boston personals site:

You were on the B-Line last night around 6:30 or 7:00 wearing a light blue coat. Your smile was amazing. I wish I'd said hello. Is it too late?

From NYC:
On the subway - you were standing next to me and smiling at me so beautifully until this elder lady came in between us and i had her have my space!
you are a tall dark hair girl dark jacket talking about school with your friend i tall blond guy with brown jacket, very tired
let me know if you think too we wasted a chance

Another:
Trader Sams Friday (3/2). You: tall, handsome, light colored hair. Me: dark brown hair, ponytail. We shared a great smile. Wish we could have met. EXT#143577

Or:
Albertsons, 10/1. You - wearing white tank top, sneakers. Me - in red sweatpants and baseball hat. Your eyes just about knocked me out. Dinner?

--- Something rather desperate and, especially, sorta psycho has impressed me about these missed connections. Many are just a short distance from qualifying as obsessive/psychotic/idiotic. Anyway, so I've mused about what kind of missed connection I would compose...

 

[Olivianna]

You: Blonde hair, wears sunglasses, drives a '96 Black Honda Civic with Florida plates. Me: Guy in '92 Cadillac, follows you around 24-7. Wanna do dinner?

 

[Olivianna]

(This isn't mine):

Taylor & Market (3/7). Me: The Taylor Street Strangler, You: Arresting officer. You pounded my groin with your billy club and maced me. Thought I sensed a connection during the Miranda rights (you have a great speaking voice!). Sorry I killed your partner and bit off part of your finger. Can we pick up where we left off? EXT#12293

 

[Olivianna]

(also, not mine):

The Kitchen (this morning). You: My wife of 43 years. Me: Your husband. We ate breakfast across from each other, caught your eye more than once! Wish I'd gotten your name. We're out of non-dairy creamer, can you bring some home? EXT#14555

 

[Olivianna]

Friday, 9/29, 7pm. You: Wearing jeans and an Abercrombie & Fitch t-shirt. Walked right past me on the street. Me: Ratty t-shirt, haven't showered in 3 weeks. Spare a dime?

 

[Malachi]

You: Standing by the side of the road in a white coat, getting dirty water splashed on you by a passing car.

Me: Speeding by in a black Nissan Maxima, running through a dirty puddle.

If I live forever I'll never forget the seductive look on your face as you tried to wipe the mud off your coat.

Meet at the dry cleaners?

 

[Olivianna]

You: Beatiful while sleeping.

Me: Tried to get your phone number, but was being hauled away in handcuffs. We'll do coffee sometime.

 

[Kitte]

I actually think it is kind of cool....

 

[TWB]

Me: Masturbating wildly after work after hours.
You: the cleaning woman who walked in.

I paid the ambulance bill. Hope you are ok.

 

[Olivianna]

You: Cute guy sipping a latte in Starbucks - dark brown hair, glasses.

Me: Munching on a cookie, reading Sartre.

It might be cool to meet, but let's not, since there is no point.

 

[Malachi]

Me: Watching T.V., 8:23 last Thursday night, tall, blonde, looking good in Spiderman Underoos.

You: Fiery red hair, beautiful body, green dress, sped across my screen on rollerblades as a cameo in a Mountain Dew commercial.

Did you feel the electricity as my fingers trailed across your body?

Let's do something eXtreme together. Interested?

 

[Olivianna]

You: Eating lunch outside your office building. You had on a grey suit and carried a briefcase. Your clearly not aware that you're destined to be reborn a cabbage.

Me: Hare krishna, krishna krishna, hare krishna, rama rama...krishna krishna...

 

[Aphrodisiac]

I enjoy reading that section of the ads, its interesting the things some people write.

And, the whole time I am reading them I am wondering if the people who are being looked for are reading them as well ... must be very flattering for them.

 

[Siren]

 

[Olivianna]

You were the cute blond guy at the Arrow Bar on Friday night. I peed in your beer and you drank it right in front of me & my girlfriends.

Let's do that again!

 

[Olivianna]

You had long brown hair in dreads, sometimes wore a pair of black Adidas sneakers with white stripes, shopped at the Prudential Star Market and Tower Records on Newbury St.. I saw you walking a dog once, and shopping for groceries with a girl with blonde dreads on a couple of occasions. This was 5 or 6 years ago. I always felt like we were going to meet sometime, but we never did. This is strange, as my intuition about such things is usually dead on. Are you still around?

 

[Olivianna]

You've come to the park and quietly placed your cat on the seat of a swing, and then pushed him along. I'm curious to know why and when I will see you again. If this isn't you but you've seen the same, please let me know.

 

[RawHumor]

This reminds me of the dating service on MAD TV called "Lowered Expectations."

 

[CoolidgEffect]

You the brunette with glasses in Biology 100 lab wearing the blue sweatshirt and blue jeans. Me the one laughed at all your jokes. You seemed to ingore me, but I know it is a game. I have pictures of you pasted over every inch of my bedroom walls and ceiling. Don't move. I'm in your kitchen.

 

[Olivianna]

NYC, 10/20, at the MOMA.
You were checking out the Cindy Sherman show, wearing a (red) coat, stepping out of one ideologically constructed space and into another. You "were" cute; i.e. I bet you "wish" you could throw off/up your (em)bedded identity. Let's get liminal together. Don't respond to this ad. Repeat (...You were checking out...).

 

[penguindance]

 

[CoolidgEffect]

Last Thurday night. You the woman in the pink sweater with the beautiful hair and long legs that stretched out from a short white skirt. You like listening to classical music while reading a bood and sipping red wine. Me the man with the embarassed look on his face as you closed your blinds.

Sorry, next time, I'll be quieter.

 

[SkyBluAngelEyes]

last Tuesday at the pool hall:

You: playing pool with your friend. You looked so good, your style, your form as you slammed that five ball in the corner pocket.

Me: staring and wondering just how forceful and rough you'd be in bed.

You: glancing over at me every 30 seconds to see if anyone is staring.

Me: staring at you constantly now.

You: You and your bud pick up your stuff and mosey out the door

Me: my friend and I mosey out the door 5 minutes after you leave

You: You're waiting out there and I have to walk past you to get to my car. "Hey, can we meet here again sometime?"

Me: I stumble over a parking curb. Too embarrassed to answer,
I crawl in my car for a quick get away.

 

[SkyBluAngelEyes]

I think it is very sweet and romantic. I'd run them in my paper, I bet it would be the first place people would turn.

You should... It would be the first place I'd turn. If you have that kind of clout... I'd dang sure bring it up.

 

[penguindance]