Mismatched Limits

[seela]

A while back, I was in a situation where someone I was interested in playing with said that they don’t want to pursue things with me, because our limits don’t line up. In past I’ve enjoyed a few things that were limits for them, one a very hard limit, and during the getting to know each other part I told that I’ve enjoyed those things.

They wanted to call quits before anything really started, because they were worried that I wouldn’t be happy without those couple of things. That absolutely wasn’t the case from my point of view, but there was nothing I could say or do to make them see it, so I accepted the defeat. It also made me wonder if the mismatch in our limits or preferences was just an excuse to get an easy out.

What happened got me thinking. How do you navigate mismatching limits? Do you tend to look for people whose limits line up with yours? If you play with people who enjoy something that’s a limit for you, do you worry you’ll end up getting pressured into doing that or that the other person will end up being disappointed? Or do you maybe prefer playing with people whose limits are different from yours because you might end up being exposed to new experiences or for some other reason?

 

[IrisAlthea]

It also made me wonder if the mismatch in our limits or preferences was just an excuse to get an easy out.

Or they might have felt inadequate or threatened perhaps?

If you play with people who enjoy something that’s a limit for you, do you worry you’ll end up getting pressured into doing that or that the other person will end up being disappointed?

I think I might a bit, if I was looking for a monogamous significant, but it would depend on how important the activity was for them.
On the other hand, I wouldn’t expect them to want to do something with me just because they have with others before. People are different.

And there are some things I would not want to see on any partners Yes-list, past, present or future.

Or do you maybe prefer playing with people whose limits are different from yours because you might end up being exposed to new experiences or for some other reason?

It might work that way.
In the end I suppose it’s always more about how well I mesh with someone.

 

[Blase]

Years ago, I was involved (online) with someone from Lit who was drop-dead, melt-in-your-mouth gorgeous.

She was also a masochist. When she told me that she liked to be bruised and made to cry... I knew that our involvement would only be able to develop so far, because I was not going to be able to do that.

We never really called things off. We just sort of drifted apart after awhile.

I still think about her sometimes.

 

[Lady2020]

It's been my experience that when women act or react in a way that men don't understand IRL or OL, and don't want to understand, it's easier to blame women for any issues.

 

[seela]

Or they might have felt inadequate or threatened perhaps?



I think I might a bit, if I was looking for a monogamous significant, but it would depend on how important the activity was for them.
On the other hand, I wouldn’t expect them to want to do something with me just because they have with others before. People are different.

And there are some things I would not want to see on any partners Yes-list, past, present or future.



It might work that way.
In the end I suppose it’s always more about how well I mesh with someone.

It definitely plays a role to me as well if I’m the only partner to my person or not. When I’m not, there’s significantly less pressure to “be everything” and hence less pressure to do everything.

I agree, in the end it all boils down to how well we mesh and how important the mismatching parts are.

In the situation I described I was baffled, because the things that would have been off limits with them were not important to me at all, and I said it, too.

Maybe the things were on their “never, ever want to have a partner who’s done *that*” list. I certainly have a few things like that as well.

Years ago, I was involved (online) with someone from Lit who was drop-dead, melt-in-your-mouth gorgeous.

She was also a masochist. When she told me that she liked to be bruised and made to cry... I knew that our involvement would only be able to develop so far, because I was not going to be able to do that.

We never really called things off. We just sort of drifted apart after awhile.

I still think about her sometimes.

Did she ask you to bruise her and make her cry or did things end before things like that ever came to play?

It's been my experience that when women act or react in a way that men don't understand IRL or OL, and don't want to understand, it's easier to blame women for any issues.

I think this might be a human thing, not a men v women thing. It’s always easier to find the problem in others, not yourself.

 

[IrisAlthea]

I think this might be a human thing, not a men v women thing. It’s always easier to find the problem in others, not yourself.

Yup, totally agree.

 

[Strixaluco]

There's one guy right now courting me online - wishing for it to develop to a full relationship, getting married and all. 90% of his kink/fetish list is on my limit list.

And it certainly makes me wonder, would he really be happy to give it all up for the rest of his life? Even worse, I feel he wants a very different kind of DDlg relationship than I do. I feel I need to constantly protect my limits, and he isn't even my Daddy yet.

 

[Blase]

Did she ask you to bruise her and make her cry or did things end before things like that ever came to play?

We never got to the point of meeting in person. While there were things we enjoyed about each other, it was just too obvious that there were differences that would keep us from developing the kind of closeness we both wanted from a serious real-life partner.

 

[Primalex]

A while back, I was in a situation where someone I was interested in playing with said that they don’t want to pursue things with me, because our limits don’t line up. In past I’ve enjoyed a few things that were limits for them, one a very hard limit, and during the getting to know each other part I told that I’ve enjoyed those things.

They wanted to call quits before anything really started, because they were worried that I wouldn’t be happy without those couple of things. That absolutely wasn’t the case from my point of view, but there was nothing I could say or do to make them see it, so I accepted the defeat. It also made me wonder if the mismatch in our limits or preferences was just an excuse to get an easy out.

What happened got me thinking. How do you navigate mismatching limits? Do you tend to look for people whose limits line up with yours? If you play with people who enjoy something that’s a limit for you, do you worry you’ll end up getting pressured into doing that or that the other person will end up being disappointed? Or do you maybe prefer playing with people whose limits are different from yours because you might end up being exposed to new experiences or for some other reason?

Hm.

I suspect I use fairly normal matching rules. If she has a limit that is a must for me (e.g. oral sex), I'm (usually) not going to be interested. If she said that she is into pegging guys, which is a hard limit for me, I wouldn't call it off, if I assume that she respects my limits.

It's more likely that I would find out during such a conversation that she has a preference or history that makes me nope out. I have to admit though that I usually don't disclose why I'm nopeing out.

 

[Dearelliot]

Years ago a lady who loved to have her nipples chewed on...harder than I felt comfortable doing.

 

[seela]

in any (consensually) non-monogamous relationship it's easier to navigate the pressure but there still are those 'i don't wanna have any relationship with a person who does/has done/did this or that' lists in monogamous-ish relationships the pressure is more likely to happen and stronger too

I tend to agree based on my own experiences. However, in a monogamous relationship that’s not just sex-based, there might also be more incentive to work together, respect limits, find alternative ways to explore things and compromise.

There's one guy right now courting me online - wishing for it to develop to a full relationship, getting married and all. 90% of his kink/fetish list is on my limit list.

And it certainly makes me wonder, would he really be happy to give it all up for the rest of his life? Even worse, I feel he wants a very different kind of DDlg relationship than I do. I feel I need to constantly protect my limits, and he isn't even my Daddy yet.

Yeah, a situation like that sounds tricky on the paper at least. And the last part of your post sounds a little alarming to me.

I’ve had to actively guard my limits and also fight my urge to submit and follow my pussy, so to say. I love being pressured, but it’s not always the smart thing to give in with everybody. It can get very tiresome if you have to be on alert all the time.

Mismatched limits are a small issue imho. I think everyone can agree that there isn't a perfect partner out there for you. Everyone has flaws, pros and cons etc.
I think the most important is personality, then comes physical attraction, then comes bdsm match. It's quite hard to get a match on everything.

I think how important the mismatch is depends on what kind of a relationship you’re looking for, and also how near and dear to you the thing is that is causing the mismatch.

If your main kink is on the other person’s hard limit list or vice versa, it can be difficult to navigate the situation to a happy ending long term for both, no matter how nice and physically attractive a person they are.

I suspect I use fairly normal matching rules. If she has a limit that is a must for me (e.g. oral sex), I'm (usually) not going to be interested. If she said that she is into pegging guys, which is a hard limit for me, I wouldn't call it off, if I assume that she respects my limits.

It's more likely that I would find out during such a conversation that she has a preference or history that makes me nope out. I have to admit though that I usually don't disclose why I'm nopeing out.

That’s a really good point. I’ve never before been in a situation where someone’s said to me that they don’t want to play with me because our limits don’t line up - which they more or less do except for a few things. But that doesn’t mean it’s never happened before. It’s entirely possible nobody’s ever told me that the real reason they don’t want to pursue things with me is because they don’t agree with my kinks and hoe-y shenanigans.

Years ago a lady who loved to have her nipples chewed on...harder than I felt comfortable doing.

Did it cause the thing between you two to end or did you find a way to compromise?

 

[Dearelliot]

I was married, and I worked with her. She invited me to stop over for dinner, and although I initiated, I am sure she had more in mind. And the relationship ended because of my not having time.
I would do it as long as it was what she wanted, as hard as she wanted to a point. But I had never chewed a woman like that before or since.

 

[Strixaluco]

.Yeah, a situation like that sounds tricky on the paper at least. And the last part of your post sounds a little alarming to me.

If I thought for one second he was pushing my limits on purpose, I would've called it off already. But feels more like he doesn't understand proper vetting. Kotona good either, but not

I think how important the mismatch is depends on what kind of a relationship you’re looking for, and also how near and dear to you the thing is that is causing the mismatch.

Indeed. In the short term it is usually ok to skip many things that are really a must in the long term.

If your main kink is on the other person’s hard limit list or vice versa, it can be difficult to navigate the situation to a happy ending long term for both, no matter how nice and physically attractive a person they are.

This is what I believe too, but he doesn't understand my concern.

 

[eroticspank]

I have learned through the years that my limits can change. I think communication and discussion are very important when talking about play and limits. I have ended relationships with women who had no interest in BDSM or play at all, but I have not found many partners with mismatched limits that would prevent us from continuing. It does happen. I was with a woman that wanted me to bite her so hard on her nipples until she bled.

We start with the things we have in common or where our circles of interest overlap. Then we work into those areas that are just in her circle or just in mine. Sometimes, before you make that journey, talking about it and why it turns you on can make it much more appealing and not scary. I have changed my limits through the years as a result of discussion and sharing.
ES

 

[seela]

I have learned through the years that my limits can change. I think communication and discussion are very important when talking about play and limits. I have ended relationships with women who had no interest in BDSM or play at all, but I have not found many partners with mismatched limits that would prevent us from continuing. It does happen. I was with a woman that wanted me to bite her so hard on her nipples until she bled.

We start with the things we have in common or where our circles of interest overlap. Then we work into those areas that are just in her circle or just in mine. Sometimes, before you make that journey, talking about it and why it turns you on can make it much more appealing and not scary. I have changed my limits through the years as a result of discussion and sharing.
ES

”I have changed my limits through the years as a result of discussion and sharing.”

This is true to myself as well. Who I’ve been with has also affected my limits a lot. I didn’t do pee play for years because of a bad experience. I never really figured it out if it was a limit for me or if I had simply lost interest, regardless the outcome was the same - no pee play.

Then someone sparked that interest in me again. It took a bit of mental gymnastics from my part to get myself to the point where I felt comfortable exploring it again, but it was really fun to find my way back to what I once enjoyed a lot.

I’m generally more interested in the things I have in common with people and the things we can do together and enjoy them and tend to, maybe naively?, expect them to respect my limits just like I do theirs. From that point of view the mismatch has never seemed that big of an issue and never thought it could be to someone else either until the time I wrote about in my first post.

 

[eroticspank]

”I have changed my limits through the years as a result of discussion and sharing.”

This is true to myself as well. Who I’ve been with has also affected my limits a lot. I didn’t do pee play for years because of a bad experience. I never really figured it out if it was a limit for me or if I had simply lost interest, regardless the outcome was the same - no pee play.

Then someone sparked that interest in me again. It took a bit of mental gymnastics from my part to get myself to the point where I felt comfortable exploring it again, but it was really fun to find my way back to what I once enjoyed a lot.

I’m generally more interested in the things I have in common with people and the things we can do together and enjoy them and tend to, maybe naively?, expect them to respect my limits just like I do theirs. From that point of view the mismatch has never seemed that big of an issue and never thought it could be to someone else either until the time I wrote about in my first post.

That is amazing. I think I could have written the same comment above about pee play. That was one of my limits that was changed. I get your comments about the rest. I feel sometimes the mismatch may be a signal to move on. So it could be a good thing.

To clarify, we all have different preferences needs, and wants. In a relationship, some of those areas that are not common, stay that way, and when Joe goes to the garage to work on cars he is on his own. But couples do grow to have more things in common as they spend more time together. He may enjoy going to the movie with her because he likes the snacks and the way it affects her after watching a love story, something he would not have been interested in at all years ago.

Why not the same in the bedroom? You visit those common areas all the time and enjoy them, they venture out and try something new that he knows she enjoys. Guess what? Now he does too.

ES

 

[Goldenfinger]

I have learned through the years that my limits can change. I think communication and discussion are very important when talking about play and limits. I have ended relationships with women who had no interest in BDSM or play at all, but I have not found many partners with mismatched limits that would prevent us from continuing. It does happen. I was with a woman that wanted me to bite her so hard on her nipples until she bled.

We start with the things we have in common or where our circles of interest overlap. Then we work into those areas that are just in her circle or just in mine. Sometimes, before you make that journey, talking about it and why it turns you on can make it much more appealing and not scary. I have changed my limits through the years as a result of discussion and sharing.
ES

I agree. I think as a relationship grows boundaries can be pushed or thing get more comfortable because of the trust and communication that has developed.