Mexican Vacation (new story)

[Sweetwood]

I just had my first story accepted here:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=47843

please read and feedback would be appreciated

 

[SexyChele]

Just finished reading your story, so here goes.

Things I liked:

1. You have a good imagination for stories. Even though this one could be called a bit tired, your approach to it was fresh. I see a lot of potential in this for you. But more on this later.

2. You are wonderfully descriptive. Being able to describe scenes and emotions, I feel, are definitely important. Again, I see some good potential for you in this area as well. More on this as well.

Things I see as needing improvment (and this is only my opinion, for what it's worth):

1. The big thing was the shift in POV. It totally threw me and as a reader, I felt a bit confused by it. Unfortunately, using the first person POV, you restricted yourself to first telling "his" side, then "her" side, then back to "his" side. By putting in "HER:" it left me thinking, What? Had you used third person, you would have been able to make the shift between points of view flow much better, gently taking the reader from one view to the next. By stopping the story and saying "HER:", as the reader, I felt I had to "shut down" and start all over again.

I know that when I started writing I used first person because I thought it was easy. Now I use third person, and I find I have much more control over my story. Try it. I think it will help you.

2. As I said above, you are very descriptive, and you give attention to detail. However, I think you need to harness this talent and make it relavant to the story at hand.

For example, the very paragraph states:

"This story begins when my lovely wife Elizabeth and I took our first real vacation. We were both exhausted from a year of hard work and had decided we needed to pamper ourselves. We booked two weeks at a Spa in Mexico with all the amentities one could wish for."

Great! Let's go, my bags are packed, and I'm ready for some action in Mexico. Then you do this:

"To beter understand this story, I shoudl give you a little bit of background informtion."

Huh? I thought we were going to Mexico? What happened?

The reader is then presented with a page and a half of background before the story, as the first paragraph says, begins. Some of the background information was pertinent, but could have been written into the flow of the story instead of being presented almost as a prequel. Also, the "laundry list" of what the wife looked like turned me off. It's just something I don't care for. To me, it always reads like a personals ad and detracts from the story. Reading about the wife's figure, hair, skin, eyes can be placed within the story, as you describe her doing various things.

Also, much of what comes after the 2nd paragraph read like notations to a marriage counselor. Sorry, just me again. I can see where you were going with the info presented, but again, it could have been included in the story.

Be descriptive and give details, yes! But tell us about the warmth of the sun in Mexico, the scent of the wife as her pussy is being eaten, how it feels to be inside of her. Most readers won't be interested in how the characters met, unless it is vital to the story.

3. Some of the sentences seemed awkward to me. It seemed as though they could have been made more concise. (I'm realizing, of course, that this is one of my own biggest faults!) Also, lines such as:

"We made love wonderfully that night."

It is awkward, and it relates to the use of "wonderfully". "Our lovemaking was wonderful that night." Might be better. There is an idea of reading your stories outloud to see if they flow or sound awkward that I think is really good and helps to eliminate some of these kinds of things.

4. Lines like this one bothered me:

"Over the next ten minutes Elizabeth came fourteen times bucking and squirming, breathlessly telling me, that this was what she needed."

14 times in 10 minutes? As a female, you lost me at this line. If I were to come 14 times in 10 minutes I would not be alive to tell the story. To a female audience, one good, strong, earth-shattering orgasm is worth more than 14. Just a thought.

5. Finally. (Thank goodness, he says! ) You tipped your hand regarding the ending. I won't say what it was here, as I don't want to spoil anyone else's fun, but I knew what the ending was halfway through the story. The culprit? Using first person POV and shifting back and forth. Had you used third person, you could have kept me in suspense. By using first person, and doing the shifting between characters within the story, I had it figured out.

However, even though I did have the ending figured out before it happened, I still think the best scenes take place later in the story. You captured my attention fully when the wife was on the beach, and also when she went to her husband later that night. Now, that was HOT! I left the story wishing that the entire story was written as you did the last 3 pages. (Well, except for one more reference to the wife orgasming 14 times in 10 minutes)

I would suggest you compare how you wrote the last 3 pages with how you wrote the first few, and see if you can see what I'm talking about. Also, consider third person - I think the story would have flowed more smoothly.

Overall, I would encourage you to continue. Imagination and attention to detail are two big components to writing stories, and you do have that.

 

[penguindance]

 

[Sweetwood]

to Sexy Chele and pretty lil stranger

Thank you to both of you for your very constructive comments. I do in fact agree with both of you regarding the comments made. Especially, the use of too much disassociated detail instead of integrating it into the flow the story.

This was a collaborative effort between my wife and I. I wrote, she edited and we felt pretty good about this first effort.

Chele, we both laughed at your comments about the 14 in10 orgasms. Indeed it would be a death defying stunt.

While I have been writing for several years, almost all of it is poetry, and I believe my talents are greater in that area.

As practice makes perfect, I will practice and hopefully get better at this.

Thanks again, I appreciate this.

Sweetwood