Messing up--WHY DID I??

[lil missy]

I've been divorced and seperated for a year and a half. I tried to be in a monogamous committed relationship with a very gentle kind and loving person recently. He was ready, and for months I didn't think I was but recently decided I should try it because I thought it seemed like the right time in my life to pursue it.

But I couldn't do it. I couldn't stay true to him. WHY??? He knows. I broke his heart. I'm terribly upset with myself and I'm trying to figure out why............. Why couldn't I be true? I was during my marriage. Why am I running scared everytime I think about getting close to someone? It keeps going through my mind because he called me a sex addict that he might be right? Although he called me a whore, slut, and many other words not worth repeating too, so I try to just blow it off that he was angry and hurt. But he kept asking me why and I couldn't tell him. I don't have the answer.

WHY?

 

[phoenix1224]

I don't know, but...

Maybe you didn't want to get hurt by another man... So, you subconciously decided to hurt him first?

 

[CutieMouse]

*****

 

[lil missy]

I was hurt terribly in my marriage by an angry man who was emotionally abusive and still is just not every day in person.

I thought about the "trying not to get hurt" part and the man that I cheated on Mr. Gentle with would be where I was running scared not to get hurt. We've dated also for a few months but mostly it's just been what I considered a sexual relationship. I like him alot but he is 8 years younger than me. I just couldn't see that he could like me as much as I liked him. So I had told him I needed to move on. I went into this other steady relationship thinking that I needed that in my life. But when Hot Stuff came and said to me that he still wanted to be with me I picked up where we left off.

Some days I feel strong and sure of myself. Then others I'm pretty fragile and I'm easily doubting myself and self worth.

 

[CutieMouse]

*****

 

[Xt4cY]

alot of times "shit happens". there's no reason for it. it just comes in and knocks u down and laughs at u and leaves. it's all part of life...i could have been heat of the moment or anything really...only u know the answer to ur own question

 

[Cathleen]

I think you found your answer.

"I like him alot but he is 8 years younger than me. I just couldn't see that he could like me as much as I liked him. So I had told him I needed to move on."

You had a relationship you felt was pretty much a fuck buddy thing becasue he *coulnd't* feel the same way due to age differences/etc. And instead of talking it through and exploring it you bolted into the arms of a man who was the sort of person people would expect you to be with- somoene your own age-ish I'm guessing? Into a steady relationship like you were supposed to do rather than wanted to do maybe?

When you found out the person you felt a connection with felt the same way you picked up right where you left off maybe because THAT is what you wanted more than the whole stable/steady relationship with someone more "suitable"?

It still sounds to me like you have some rule book for how you are supposed to think/be/etc after a divorce instead of being true to yourself. Who cares if the guy is 8 years younger? Who cares if it's been long enough since the divorce that you "should" be ready for a serious relationship?

Cutie you sure said a lot of good things here.

I think the rule book about how we think life "should be" is our biggest stubbling block, I know for me it is a big book. There are old tapes playing in our head while we strive to hear and make new tapes ~ perhaps old beliefs are running around in your head lil missy.

I know for me it is a fight all the time to let go of the "why would they want me" "this isn't what I thought for me" etc. It can be endless if we don't stop and challenge ourselves.

To examine our thoughts and beliefs is difficult but essential in my opinion. You first have to know what is running around in your thoughts - where are they coming from, do they still work for you, do you want to believe that? etc. then comes the work of knowing yourself and then having the guts to live what YOU believe to be right for YOU. Not according to someone elses rules or thoughts.

But I must say one thing about his name calling, no matter how hurt he is that was mean and uncalled for behavior. No one should do that to another. We can point out behaviors to another but we can not take their personal inventory - to do that can cause so much hurt and harm.

I am sorry you are in pain and wish you the best.

 

[lil missy]

Cathleen and Cutie you both said some very enlightening things. I never really saw me trying to "play by the book" but as I reflect I was more than I knew.

Yes, Mr. Gentle was my age...... someone I would typically be with, but also unfortunately more like my ex than I could ever live with, but tried not to acknowledge. I've kinda known that all along, but never really faced how much they are alike until this incident. As kind, loving and gentle as he is.......they both had a ugly propensity to start name calling and throwing things and judging the other when they were angry. I shouldn't have been involved with him in the first place but he was charismatic and caring. I did care for him though and I hurt him deeply and for that I'm angry at myself.

Mr. Hot Stuff....... did say to me I should of communicated better with him about what I felt for him. He is so different from my "normal" dates because he is open and so easy going and not at all domineering. It's such a new experience for me I'm not sure how to act..........thus the lack of communication.

I think deep down I knew that I wasn't ready for a committed relationship. Hell, I don't know maybe it was just my way at rebelling just a damn poor choice of destruction.

 

[fallon2]

The hardest part

The hardest part is admitting we made a mistake, hurt someone that we didn't have to and the learning from our mistake.

Just don't let it happen again or you will become someone that has a hard time looking into the mirror.

 

[lil missy]

Re: The hardest part

The hardest part is admitting we made a mistake, hurt someone that we didn't have to and the learning from our mistake.

Just don't let it happen again or you will become someone that has a hard time looking into the mirror.

Agreed. I made a couple of huge mistakes which compounded on each other:

1. COMMUNICATE!! Even when you think it's hopeless.
2. Listen to my inner voice.
3. Cheating hurts everyone involved. Don't go there.

I know what I did was wrong I just am trying desperately to understand why I did it so hopefully it will help me avoid the pitfalls again.

 

[Cathleen]

Cathleen and Cutie you both said some very enlightening things. I never really saw me trying to "play by the book" but as I reflect I was more than I knew.

Yes, Mr. Gentle was my age...... someone I would typically be with, but also unfortunately more like my ex than I could ever live with, but tried not to acknowledge. I've kinda known that all along, but never really faced how much they are alike until this incident. As kind, loving and gentle as he is.......they both had a ugly propensity to start name calling and throwing things and judging the other when they were angry. I shouldn't have been involved with him in the first place but he was charismatic and caring. I did care for him though and I hurt him deeply and for that I'm angry at myself.

Mr. Hot Stuff....... did say to me I should of communicated better with him about what I felt for him. He is so different from my "normal" dates because he is open and so easy going and not at all domineering. It's such a new experience for me I'm not sure how to act..........thus the lack of communication.

I think deep down I knew that I wasn't ready for a committed relationship. Hell, I don't know maybe it was just my way at rebelling just a damn poor choice of destruction.

Lil missy, don't forget in all this to forgive yourself too. Not a one of us is perfect, we do hurt each other, that can't be avoided I don't think. But we can learn from them and it seems you have learned much, for that I am glad for you. It takes guts to own up to our failings and shortcomings. Learning is the gift we can give ourselves and others in the future.

But you have to forgive yourself too, I know that will take time but it seems you are open enough with yourself that it will happen.

Good for you!!

Cate

 

[dirtywhiteboy]

It keeps going through my mind because he called me a sex addict that he might be right? Although he called me a whore, slut, and many other words not worth repeating too, so I try to just blow it off that he was angry and hurt. But he kept asking me why and I couldn't tell him. I don't have the answer.

WHY?

The answer is simple......he is not the one for you. He has no idea how to fulfill you....

And if he keeps calling you names I will come up there and personally kick his Mr. Gentle ass!.....

 

[lil missy]

Re: Re: Messing up--WHY DID I??

The answer is simple......he is not the one for you. He has no idea how to fulfill you....

And if he keeps calling you names I will come up there and personally kick his Mr. Gentle ass!.....

Well you can certainly say I told you so

You're just a hard act to follow

I wish you didn't have to "come up there" to kick his ass............. you know how I feel about where you are and where I am it hits me every day somehow.

Thanks everyone else for there warm wishes and great advice too. They all made perfect sense..........introspection is a difficult task.