Mentor vs Dom

[Kataklysm]

About a month ago I met a man that I refer to as my potential Sir. I mean that I hadn't quite made up my mind if I wanted him to be or not. I am very interested in exploring this lifestyle and have been reading, talking to others..just kind of soaking it all in. I was very up front about my newness and inexperience and took all the safety precautions that had been recommended as well as my gut feelings. Everything was progressing fine in that respect.

I spoke to him today. I have felt from the beginnng that there were conflicts. He is much older than me, is retired and basically doesn't have a life that is paced anywhere near mine. Seeing him as often as he wished was nearly impossible but I made sure I had at least weekly visits with him and almost daily chats.

I told him how I honestly felt. That until I had a bit more experience with things I wanted to take it much slower (there had been no actual intercourse yet) until I had a better grasp of things. Mentoring came to mind . He doesnt seem to want this type of relationship and if that's the case then fine with me. I still would like to make this right as a courtesy. I don't dislike the man..I just think we are too different to make more happen.

Have any of you had a mentor only or mentored anyone? What were your experiences?

 

[AnelizeDarkEyes]

I have mentored other several other submissives. My personal opinion on Doms mentoring submissives is this:

A mentor is a guide, a teacher, and a friend.

A fuck buddy/play partner is someone you scene with or have intercourse with.

Which do you want?

~anelize

 

[Singularity]

Mentoring Versus Training

I have had several inexperieinced submissives who I have mentored and acted as a sounding board and guide for, who either have not wanted a more in-depth relationship, either because of the men in their lives who they were trying to get into the D/s world with them, or because of time zones or geography (sustaining even an online relationship across 6+ timezones can be very difficult).

In a way, it can be very satisfying in its own way, knowing that you are providing some meaningful guideposts and some good, sound advice on the cautionary aspects of D/s, as well as helping to reinforce that what they desire is NOT dirty or weird or perverted.

When they tell you about their successes and the new limits that have been breached, you almost feel like a proud papa.


Singularity

 

[Krinaia]

I once had a "mentor" when I was really new to the lifestyle. But he was always trying to get me into meeting him. Or pressuring me to have phone sex. Finally, I heeded the red lights and told him so and why the red lights were there. He said I was being mean and told me he wouldn't talk to me until I stopped being so disrespectful. <sigh> I quickly realized he wasn't being a very good mentor, especially when I discovered this board and I saw much better relationships taking place.

He once asked me to meet him. His business was taking him within easy driving distance of me. If I had met him, I could have easily driven home after the date. I told him I would meet him for dinner, no more, no less. He decided if I couldn't agree to more, the meeting was off. I saw the danger and told him to get real. I felt sort of like I was being overly paranoid at the time. The people here at Lit and the online predators thread have taught me otherwise.

Now, I've moved on. And found others to be my sounding boards and to whom I can chat and talk to. I think I may try a munch soon to find some rt friends in the life style. I'm still new to the lifestyle and still inexperienced, but at least I've found a good group of people to help and advise me. Thanks to them - they know who the are

 

[Soron]

One opinion

You can find no better mentor than an experienced submissive, darlin'. As 'new' as you are to the lifestyle, that would be the best avenue for you to pursue. Another submissive tends to have more patience, and they 'have' the experience of serving a Dominant.

In the past, I have taken on the role of a mentor, but it was mainly for educational purposes. In a young submissive's introduction to the D/s lifestlye she should talk to as many Dominants and submissives as possible, to get an awareness of who she really is, is this for her; etc.

If a Dominant is willing to mentor you, he should be willing to teach you, give you some type of structure or discipline program and he should be a friend, a sounding board as was previously stated.

Good luck to you. Hope this helps.

 

[Mr Blonde]

In a BDSM context, never had a mentor and never served as mentor.

In vanilla context, yes....in my opinion, the difference is that in a mentoring relationship there are zero conflicts of interest. If a senior in college mentors a freshman in college, they are not in any of the same classes or running in the same circles. It is like a big brother or sister helping out someone who is half a generation younger than them.

This guy wanted you as his partner. His original offer was not to be a mentor. You can't unring that bell. He says he does not want a mentoring relationship. And in my opinion, a failed suitor would make a poor choice for a mentor anyway.

You can try to be friends but since you have only known each other for a month, I figure it is best just to drop this relationship and mark it as a failed courtship.

As for who would make the best mentor, I suggest an experienced submissive would be a very good bet. You can also try some friendships with experienced dominants who already have a steady relationship (making sure not to be disruptive). Or you can just ask questions in this forum. I know it seems like this place is 90% submissives, but there are a few dominants strolling about.

Let's see....for some extra and even more unsolicited advice, if you are looking for a relationship with a dominant, I would also advise steering clear of too many entanglements. I remember a thread about "collar of protection" or "collar of friendship" or some crap like that....as a dominant, I do not restrict a submissive from having outside friendships (I encourage it) but she can only have one master. I would not start a relationship where I had to consult with half a dozen "masters" just to do something with my submissive girlfriend. If you seek a one-on-one D/s relationship, then please hold out for what you really want!

 

[Netzach]

A mentor who is sexually attracted to you, and for whom the attraction is not mutual is a bad idea.

Period.

There's another agenda there and it's not shared.

I will say that I have been in a play relationship with someone where they then asked me to mentor them and I have. I'm not about hard and fast absolutes, but usually....don't mix mentoring and play.

 

[catalina_francisco]

A mentor who is sexually attracted to you, and for whom the attraction is not mutual is a bad idea.

Period.

I can only say I fully 100 % agree with Netzach on this one. Mixing sexual attraction and mentorship is a sure path to disaster.

Francisco.

 

[Desdemona]

A mentor needs to be a trusted friend; one to whom you can turn with questions and concerns. Sexual chemistry really skews that whole dynamic. I'm with the others who say mixing sex with mentoring is a bad idea.

 

[Princessintrng]

Mentor

I actually had an on-line mentor when I was first exploring the D/s lifestyle. It was great because he and his wife were in a 24/7 relationship and by talking to him and also to her I learned so much. The fact that they had 3 small children was also a benefit to give me a realistic view of the 24/7 relationship. I think by being able to talk to him and know he was not interested in me other than to answer my questions and be a mentor made the experience one I will always treasure.

 

[Limbhugger]

This thread just screamed out at me. I've always been a Masochist. And on reflection I've always been a submissive (but only to my wife). It is only VERY recently that She has begun to awaken her true feelings of Domination.

BDSM can be a very overwhelming world to step into. I've explored and researched it for years but as my Wife showed no interest, it remained on the fringes of reality.

But now, She is coming to understand the REAL world of BDSM. The subtleties and nuances of it all. That it isn't some porn movie. That it is a truly loving, sensual, and in some ways romantic journey. She is opening herself and recognizing just how much she is the Domme in our everyday lives. And so the quest begins.

The quest for truth over fiction. The quest for information that is real and talks to the concerns all beginners (Dom/me and sub) feel. And in this quest I have been blessed. I quite accidentally happened upon my mentor. In fact, I had no clue she would become one to me. But she has. And she is an incredibly special person who in a very short time I have come to trust and value.

I am not mentioning her name as I'm not sure she wants me to. But she is a Lit member and I hope she sees this post. She, like me, is a sub. She also understands all the stereotypical BS that can cloud a person's jusdgement of this lifestyle. So she is also able to help my wonderful Wife. She has given in a very short time a wealth of EXCELLENT information and support. I already treasure her friendship very much.

I personally see mentoring as something quite different from Doming. A mentor is a friend that helps you and guides you and teaches you about the lifestyle. A Dom/me is a friend that helps you and guides you and teaches you about yourself.

Hugger

 

[fallon2]

I think

I think both are possible but for that to happen two people need to communicate honestly about the other's desires as well as a committment to the other.
A Master can mentor along the way as long as there are protocols such as safe words as well as limits being respected. There is more to say but that is what I am thinking at this moment.

 

[Kataklysm]

Thank you for the replies and good advice. From the info here and from others I have spoken with it seems my best direction would be to find an experienced sub.