Mental Illness

[livin1971]

I understand the whole having a purpose thing. As I need one to stay going in a good direction emotionally and mentally. Have you suggested to your mom volunteering? Its just a suggestion to maybe point her in a good direction. I'm not a psychologist just giving you my personal experience on what helps me. Which was a suggestion from my doc. hope it helps you and her. more hugs.

Thanks.

*hugs*

She said the last time she had a purpose was when she was "taking care" of her mother. Something she did very poorly, at times abusively and exploitative though Grand seemed thrilled to finally have mother so closely tied to her. Which is why I didn't get in the middle of it though I did try to get Grand things and people that could help her.

 

[FurryFury]

Oh yes. I have. That's the thing she won't let you actually do anything to help her.

She'll even say you made her whole day and then try to kill herself again a few hours later.

You just can't help her. She is going to be miserable. She insists on it.

I understand the whole having a purpose thing. As I need one to stay going in a good direction emotionally and mentally. Have you suggested to your mom volunteering? Its just a suggestion to maybe point her in a good direction. I'm not a psychologist just giving you my personal experience on what helps me. Which was a suggestion from my doc. hope it helps you and her. more hugs.

 

[livin1971]

Wow is all I can say. Unfortunately you can't help those that won't try to help themselves. I feel bad for you.

Oh yes. I have. That's the thing she won't let you actually do anything to help her.

She'll even say you made her whole day and then try to kill herself again a few hours later.

You just can't help her. She is going to be miserable. She insists on it.

 

[Netzach]

God, Fury, I wish I could get your mother and my grandmother a play date. My poor mom. Hugs to you, too. This is the kind of crap she has to listen to all day. Just remember, you're not crazy, she is.

 

[CutieMouse]

Yesterday, my mother told me that I wasn't giving her a reason to live. Does anyone feel like that's their job with a parent or mentally ill person?

She went on to say she wasn't important to me or my family. Of course nothing I said made any difference but the fact is, she continues to try to control us and we need distance to be healthy.

I wish her behaviors that drain and push people away were in the past but they are ongoing.

Cruel as it sounds, BS like this is what ultimately made me cut my mother out of my life 14 years ago. When it got to the point that I had to say "You're too toxic to be in my life" the whole "But I'll have no reason to live/what about grandchildren/you're the worst daughter on the planet!" stuff came spilling out like a volcano of emotionally blackmailing lava.

14 years later, she's still alive; I just don't have to put up with it.

 

[BiBunny]

Jesus. It seems like a lot of us have mothers/grandmothers (or in my case, both) who are/were pathological narcissists. It must be a lot more common than most people would think.

 

[livin1971]

Jesus. It seems like a lot of us have mothers/grandmothers (or in my case, both) who are/were pathological narcissists. It must be a lot more common than most people would think.

Its is its like the crazy uncle we all have but won't talk about. Mental Illness has such a bad stigma. Its seem more as a mental weakness than a disease.

 

[FurryFury]

Wow is all I can say. Unfortunately you can't help those that won't try to help themselves. I feel bad for you.

Btw, she did try volunteering which is more than her mom ever did. Her mom's attitude was, if they don't pay me, they don't value me.

Mom, didn't feel valued either and got her feelings hurt. If she can't be the star of the show and/or worshiped, well it's just no good for her. She tests people constantly, burns them out, get's hurt, cusses them out and so on. That's why I'm sure long term care facility wouldn't work for her until she no longer can remember who she is enough to do that crap.

It's funny too how very kindly she can whop you upside the head with a mortal insult in the name of love and/or honesty.

In any case, I say it's NOT my job to find her happy place though I've tried or help her find a reason to live.

It is my job to put limits on the relationship to keep my family and me as healthy as I can because even though I love my mom, and I refuse to give up hope, that's also not worth letter her fuck with us.

God, Fury, I wish I could get your mother and my grandmother a play date. My poor mom. Hugs to you, too. This is the kind of crap she has to listen to all day. Just remember, you're not crazy, she is.

*hugs*

Caller I.D. and an answering machine can help a lot. Plus I refuse to talk her or listen to her messages, before noon or after 6:00 p.m. In the one case, she can still remember how she wants to fuck with me. In the other she's likely to give me nightmares. I often wait a day or two to return calls. She finds this policy abusive. But then she wants to cut me own and crawl inside me and live there so yeah.

Cruel as it sounds, BS like this is what ultimately made me cut my mother out of my life 14 years ago. When it got to the point that I had to say "You're too toxic to be in my life" the whole "But I'll have no reason to live/what about grandchildren/you're the worst daughter on the planet!" stuff came spilling out like a volcano of emotionally blackmailing lava.

14 years later, she's still alive; I just don't have to put up with it.

I totally get it. I don't think you are cruel. I think you are healthier than I am! I know it's what I should do.

Jesus. It seems like a lot of us have mothers/grandmothers (or in my case, both) who are/were pathological narcissists. It must be a lot more common than most people would think.

Yes. I believe it's because (in part) society teaches women to be help mates. When everyone has moved on, we are older and like wha? Then we get bitter. I've been determined this won't happen to me. I made the choices I did (to be a help mate) because I WANTED to. I'm not sure. No one owes me a damn thing. I will not resent my choices in the future. I just refuse.

Its is its like the crazy uncle we all have but won't talk about. Mental Illness has such a bad stigma. Its seem more as a mental weakness than a disease.

Yes. That's been the stigma. I think it's great we can now talk about it and know it's a disease. However, that doesn't make it very much easier to deal with.

 

[livin1971]

Btw, she did try volunteering which is more than her mom ever did. Her mom's attitude was, if they don't pay me, they don't value me.

Mom, didn't feel valued either and got her feelings hurt. If she can't be the star of the show and/or worshiped, well it's just no good for her. She tests people constantly, burns them out, get's hurt, cusses them out and so on. That's why I'm sure long term care facility wouldn't work for her until she no longer can remember who she is enough to do that crap.

It's funny too how very kindly she can whop you upside the head with a mortal insult in the name of love and/or honesty.
In any case, I say it's NOT my job to find her happy place though I've tried or help her find a reason to live.

It is my job to put limits on the relationship to keep my family and me as healthy as I can because even though I love my mom, and I refuse to give up hope, that's also not worth letter her fuck with us.


Yes it is hard to deal with. On everyone involved with the person. I know for me that my actions, thoughts and words sometimes are very wrong. But I see nothing wrong with it at the time. I do try everyday to get better but thats the difference between me and ot
hers who don't. I also deal with a family member and know thats a dangerous place for me so i choose to not be apart of her drama, i have my own.


*hugs*

Caller I.D. and an answering machine can help a lot. Plus I refuse to talk her or listen to her messages, before noon or after 6:00 p.m. In the one case, she can still remember how she wants to fuck with me. In the other she's likely to give me nightmares. I often wait a day or two to return calls. She finds this policy abusive. But then she wants to cut me own and crawl inside me and live there so yeah.



I totally get it. I don't think you are cruel. I think you are healthier than I am! I know it's what I should do.



Yes. I believe it's because (in part) society teaches women to be help mates. When everyone has moved on, we are older and like wha? Then we get bitter. I've been determined this won't happen to me. I made the choices I did (to be a help mate) because I WANTED to. I'm not sure. No one owes me a damn thing. I will not resent my choices in the future. I just refuse.



Yes. That's been the stigma. I think it's great we can now talk about it and know it's a disease. However, that doesn't make it very much easier to deal with.

Yes it is hard to deal with. On everyone involved with the person. I know for me that my actions, thoughts and words sometimes are very wrong. But I see nothing wrong with it at the time. I do try everyday to get better but thats the difference between me and ot
hers who don't. I also deal with a family member and know thats a dangerous place for me so i choose to not be apart of her drama, i have my own.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Yesterday, my mother told me that I wasn't giving her a reason to live. Does anyone feel like that's their job with a parent or mentally ill person?

She went on to say she wasn't important to me or my family. Of course nothing I said made any difference but the fact is, she continues to try to control us and we need distance to be healthy.

I wish her behaviors that drain and push people away were in the past but they are ongoing.

Emotional blackmail and manipulation can be very hard to deal with, especially when you cannot see it becoming a thing of the past.

Catalina

 

[FurryFury]

That's an important difference, IMO. My girl tries hard everyday too.

I admire that fighting spirit.

Yes it is hard to deal with. On everyone involved with the person. I know for me that my actions, thoughts and words sometimes are very wrong. But I see nothing wrong with it at the time. I do try everyday to get better but thats the difference between me and ot
hers who don't. I also deal with a family member and know thats a dangerous place for me so i choose to not be apart of her drama, i have my own.

 

[FurryFury]

Exactly you can move on from just about anything that's in the past but if it's still in the present, well, not so much.

Emotional blackmail and manipulation can be very hard to deal with, especially when you cannot see it becoming a thing of the past.

Catalina

 

[gypsy*seer]

Jesus. It seems like a lot of us have mothers/grandmothers (or in my case, both) who are/were pathological narcissists. It must be a lot more common than most people would think.

Wow.
You're right, bunny. There are a lot more of us than I would have thought also.

My mother lives with me, so while never measuring up to her two younger sons, I feel like, as the daughter and the oldest, it's my "job" to have taken her in and look after her...doesn't sound too loving, but it's about the same that I received from her.

In just the past week or so, I have been fantasizing about being able to just flee the scene. Come on, I'm almost 50, and I've got a little more time, (to live my life) right?

 

[graceanne]

*hugs*

I have to say that in your situation I'd do what CM did and cut ties. You have the right to demand a certain amount of sanity. However, we all understand how hard that could be.

 

[FurryFury]

Yesterday I had a bit of a breakdown. It wasn't pretty. Cussing and anger interspersed with whining and self pity. Just what happened that day when the last straw broke my back. In this case more red tape from administrators at a college one of my kids will attend and glass falling out of a window during high winds.

In order to make me better, I got myself a pizza, had some caffeine and didn't bother to color my hair. Too damn tired. I also watched a junk TV show and read. My back burned all night. I'm guessing from eating too much too late and there were other uncomfortable things.

Oh well. I forgive me. Today is a new day.

 

[graceanne]

Yesterday I had a bit of a breakdown. It wasn't pretty. Cussing and anger interspersed with whining and self pity. Just what happened that day when the last straw broke my back. In this case more red tape from administrators at a college one of my kids will attend and glass falling out of a window during high winds.

In order to make me better, I got myself a pizza, had some caffeine and didn't bother to color my hair. Too damn tired. I also watched a junk TV show and read. My back burned all night. I'm guessing from eating too much too late and there were other uncomfortable things.

Oh well. I forgive me. Today is a new day.

I think that sometimes a breakdown is what people need. Self pity is okay, occasionally and in short bursts. So is pizza and caffeine. And I bet you're feeling a little better, too.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Oh well. I forgive me. Today is a new day.

Hugs being sent your way.

Catalina

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

Yesterday I had a bit of a breakdown. It wasn't pretty. Cussing and anger interspersed with whining and self pity. Just what happened that day when the last straw broke my back. In this case more red tape from administrators at a college one of my kids will attend and glass falling out of a window during high winds.

In order to make me better, I got myself a pizza, had some caffeine and didn't bother to color my hair. Too damn tired. I also watched a junk TV show and read. My back burned all night. I'm guessing from eating too much too late and there were other uncomfortable things.

Oh well. I forgive me. Today is a new day.

I am a BIG believer in the idea that emotions need to be let out, because if they don't they fester into all sorts of other health problems. Bravo for letting go... it is a healing of its very own. We can only carry so much, and only for so long.

I am glad to know you are taking good care of you, pizza, junk TV, and all.

Hug!

 

[cjhavoc]

When I was a child I was diagnosed with bipolar, was put on heavy doses of meds which put me into just rage fits and made me gain alot of weight which in return made me hate myself, I turned to cutting instead of seeing what was really going on. I took myself off my meds when I was 13 and the rage fits stopped completely. Granted I was living with type 1 diabetes and my mother was a drug addict which made it incredibely hard to cope with anything. As I grew up, I went through the classic rebellion teen stage and again was diagnosed with bipolar (little did they realize that it was just called being a teen).

Being taken from my home, placed in numerous foster homes, being doped up on meds, having uncontrollable blood sugars, and not knowing if my mother was alive or not really effected my brain in such a way that it was labeled as bipolar and boarder line personality disorder. It was so bad to the point of me sleeping around with questionable men and I ended up pregnant. When I had a miscarriage, that's when reality hit 'oh fuck, I need to get my life in order or else I'm going to die'.

I stopped talking to my mother, I started taking care of my diabetes, I dropped out of school and started going to college. After my mother broke her knee in the half way house we started our relationship back up again. Because of her being clean and sober and me taking care of myself I started to realize that I wasnt bipolar, I was just a very unlucky girl.

My mothers been sober for almost 5 years, I'm getting a degree in the health care field, and I haven't felt like I did before. My basis for this is doctors misdiagnose in cases where there are serious underlying problems and think that one little pill will fix all your problems. I'm not sure if the way I grew up or the experiences in life turned me towards bdsm, but I do know that mental health had nothing to do with it in my case. I just wish that doctors took the time to get to know the patients current history before slapping them with meds.

 

[FurryFury]

I am! I need to. I have soooo much to do in the next month or so.

I think that sometimes a breakdown is what people need. Self pity is okay, occasionally and in short bursts. So is pizza and caffeine. And I bet you're feeling a little better, too.

Thanks! *hugs* back atcha too!

Hugs being sent your way.

Catalina

I agree with you about letting emotions out but it's NOT easy for me to do. I really have a hard time doing it.

*hugs*

I am a BIG believer in the idea that emotions need to be let out, because if they don't they fester into all sorts of other health problems. Bravo for letting go... it is a healing of its very own. We can only carry so much, and only for so long.

I am glad to know you are taking good care of you, pizza, junk TV, and all.

Hug!

Wow. You've been through so much. Glad you found your path and that your mother is doing so much better too.

*hugs*

When I was a child I was diagnosed with bipolar, was put on heavy doses of meds which put me into just rage fits and made me gain a lot of weight which in return made me hate myself, I turned to cutting instead of seeing what was really going on. I took myself off my meds when I was 13 and the rage fits stopped completely. Granted I was living with type 1 diabetes and my mother was a drug addict which made it incredibely hard to cope with anything. As I grew up, I went through the classic rebellion teen stage and again was diagnosed with bipolar (little did they realize that it was just called being a teen).

Being taken from my home, placed in numerous foster homes, being doped up on meds, having uncontrollable blood sugars, and not knowing if my mother was alive or not really effected my brain in such a way that it was labeled as bipolar and boarder line personality disorder. It was so bad to the point of me sleeping around with questionable men and I ended up pregnant. When I had a miscarriage, that's when reality hit 'oh fuck, I need to get my life in order or else I'm going to die'.

I stopped talking to my mother, I started taking care of my diabetes, I dropped out of school and started going to college. After my mother broke her knee in the half way house we started our relationship back up again. Because of her being clean and sober and me taking care of myself I started to realize that I wasn't bipolar, I was just a very unlucky girl.

My mothers been sober for almost 5 years, I'm getting a degree in the health care field, and I haven't felt like I did before. My basis for this is doctors misdiagnose in cases where there are serious underlying problems and think that one little pill will fix all your problems. I'm not sure if the way I grew up or the experiences in life turned me towards bdsm, but I do know that mental health had nothing to do with it in my case. I just wish that doctors took the time to get to know the patients current history before slapping them with meds.

The latest is my mother wants to talk about marrying her ex, again. Someone that doesn't make her happy to be around and who she can't stand. I don't want to discuss it again.

Also she wants to talk about buying me a new fridge, again, because she just can't understand how I don't have room in mine for everything she wants to bring to me to make her feel better. The concept of there being limited room to absorb all the crap she brings over is just not one she can wrap her head around. Amusingly enough she went into great detail on the kind she'd like to get. A kind I would hate. Little does she or will she ever understand.

No and oh yeah, NO!

 

[livin1971]

That's an important difference, IMO. My girl tries hard everyday too.

I admire that fighting spirit.

Its hard some days to keep up the good fight. I know. I'm glad your daughter does.

 

[FurryFury]

Me too. However lately she is often not fighting and just vacant seeming. On the positive side, she isn't starting shit with me much.

Its hard some days to keep up the good fight. I know. I'm glad your daughter does.

 

[livin1971]

That could be the meds or depression. Thats a hard call to make. I guess enjoy the lull in fighting for now. Hugs

Me too. However lately she is often not fighting and just vacant seeming. On the positive side, she isn't starting shit with me much.

 

[FurryFury]

I am but it's just strange not seeing her present, her mind going a million miles a minute, just vacant. I hope it's just a recovery thing. She was that way before the change in meds, so I don't know.

That could be the meds or depression. Thats a hard call to make. I guess enjoy the lull in fighting for now. Hugs

 

[rida]

I am but it's just strange not seeing her present, her mind going a million miles a minute, just vacant. I hope it's just a recovery thing. She was that way before the change in meds, so I don't know.

Hope it is a med adjustment thing!

You probably know it already but a site I love to check out for meds and their effect is:

crazymeds.us

hugs!