Men, I need an answer

[Diablogrl]

Ok, so I was involved in a whole friends-with-benefits thing which was working fine. The guy was quite a few years older than me (17 to be exact), but he had a great body, so it worked out well for both of us. We saw each other regularly so there was really no need for phone communication, when we were in the mood...the benefits applied. Anyways, out of the blue one day, he asks for my number. I jotted it down, he gave me his. The guy never called! Its been three weeks since the whole phone exchange, and no hook-ups and certainly no phone call.

I can understand a guy in the bar not calling after asking for my phone number, but what's up with asking for my number and then not calling and breaking the whole thing off? Is there some sort of weirdo guy signal that I need to know about?

 

[Ice Cold]

Doesn't sound like a good sign... but if it bothers you so much, just call him, tis way you have an answer at least instead of uncertainty.

 

[Diablogrl]

I'd call him...but "the Rules" state that a girl should never initiate contact via phone and should rarely make herself available.

I'm not so much bothered (it has been three weeks!) as I was initially. Its really his loss. But I was curious if there were men here who knew why he would do such a thing.

 

[Ice Cold]

Men....we barely know why we do things. We just do them and try to figure out a reason why later...

Besides if he isn't playing the game anymore, do the "rules" still apply?

It could be that something else has comeup in his life, some event, person, or other... and either he is over you, or not ready
to face up to you about it.

 

[cybergirly]

Question: Has it ever gone 3 weeks without seeing him before?
Could it be something as simple as he's out of town?

Ok that was 2 questions.

 

[Diablogrl]

typically we went between 3-7 days between seeing each other. I suspect he did find someone else...which is fine, as he's entitled to. I see him on a daily basis, so I am 100% sure he was in town the past three weeks.

My allusion to "the Rules" was my poor attempt at humor at 2:30am in the morning...clearly, banging a guy without even getting a nice meal out of it is against "the Rules".

 

[Ice Cold]

we can be with a women without buying them a nice meal??

Why wasn't I told!!!

 

[kotori]

this probably isn't an answer,

more like a true confession. something i'm not proud of, have never admitted before, but it's even later in this time zone.

There was a girl in college, she was a year ahead of me, maybe the prettiest girl in the school (it was a fairly small school, and everyone knew everyone else by sight at least). All through school, she had a "boyfriend" who was "older" (whatever that meant at that time and place). Anyway, after I graduated, I met her one day, and we started chatting, and made a date. It was very nice--we had a nice dinner, went to rockefeller center to see the christmas tree, enjoyed some nice conversation. We kissed. I was in heaven--here was the prettiest girl "in school" and I was making out with her. I dropped her off at home, said goodnight, and for some inexplicable reason, could never muster the strength to call her again. She had friends talk to me, but I was stricken with totally unfounded terror. I was such a jerk!

I doubt this has anything at all to do with your situation, except for the fact that it was totally inexplicable and reprehensible behavior. I don't know why I did what I did, but I did it.

I've never told this story before.

 

[cybergirly]

kotori, you may not be far off base here.

Perhaps his asking for your phone number was his wanting to take the relationship a step furture. Then he chickened out, decided you weren't interested, whatever.

Diablogrl I say call him. So what if it's "against the rules." If you're still interested give him a call. The worst than can happen is you'll have some answers.

 

[lilminx]

Think of it this way- you have absolutely nothing to lose by calling him. If you don't call him and you don't hear from him again, you will always be wondering "what if I had called him?". If you do call him and he's a jerk, at least you know. If you call him and there was a reason why he didn't call you, then you'll know that too.

I would much rather regret the things I have done than regret the things I haven't done.

 

[Diablogrl]

Kotori, thank you for sharing that story...it helps to hear that there's a chance it wasn't just me.

Truly all, its become more than friends-with-benefits for me too...which simply means I'm asking to get my heart broken. It might be a case of the two of us getting our wires crossed, or it might be that he has moved on. I miss the friend he had been while we were hooking up...all of our conversation has ceased since that day he got my number. I find it truly bizarre, but I know there's just no getting back what we had. I'd call him, but there's this whole pride thing...even though I am a little bothered by it, I'd prefer him not to know that I'm still thinking about it.

 

[lilminx]

Well, he won't know ANYTHING if you never hear from him again because of such a silly thing. Sometimes you may have to sacrifice a little pride to get an answer. Granted, it might not be an answer that you're happy wiht (you never know though!), but at least your mind will be at ease.

I've always been a big one for closure.

 

[glamorilla]

i'd opt for public castration followed by his sobbing heartfelt reasons why...

the poor guy...

 

[cybergirly]

Well, he won't know ANYTHING if you never hear from him again because of such a silly thing. Sometimes you may have to sacrifice a little pride to get an answer. Granted, it might not be an answer that you're happy wiht (you never know though!), but at least your mind will be at ease.

I've always been a big one for closure.

I agree! He did give you his number right? Maybe he thinks if you were interested you'd call. Perhaps he feels the same way you do. If not, you've put enough into this to be hurt if you never hear from again. So by calling him at least you'll know one way or the other. Pick a time when you know he's at work and leave a message on his machine then if he doesn't call back you'll know for sure.

 

[Diablogrl]

I appreciate the advice, but I just cannot call this guy. It was a casual relationship, I definitely started to feel things beyond that situation. At the outset, we had agreed that there was nothing permanent that would occur, and he made it abundantly clear that he did not want any sort of permanent relationship. To me, calling him is a sign that I crossed those boundaries. I would like closure, but not at the price of losing face here...I see this guy almost daily anyways. When the time is right, we'll sit and have an uncomfortable little chat.

 

[Lovepotion69]

I appreciate the advice, but I just cannot call this guy. It was a casual relationship, I definitely started to feel things beyond that situation. At the outset, we had agreed that there was nothing permanent that would occur, and he made it abundantly clear that he did not want any sort of permanent relationship. To me, calling him is a sign that I crossed those boundaries. I would like closure, but not at the price of losing face here...I see this guy almost daily anyways. When the time is right, we'll sit and have an uncomfortable little chat.

Hi Diablogirl,
May I ask something, you say that calling him is a sigh to you that you are crossing the boundaries that you both set. Does that mean that HE would see that as crossing the boundaries? He asked for your number, he was considering calling you, so perhaps he doesn't find it crossing that boundary, but then he might have chickened out because he thinks YOU may find that he would have crossed it if he called.

I'm currently in the same type of relationship. It can be confusing at times, you are friends, you hang out, you have good chats, you have great sex, and you get closer. Then you end up wondering if it's anything more than that or not...but at the same time one doesn't want to break the agreement made.

When I first started seeing my guy we had previously been emailing every day. Loooong emails. Then when we started hooking up we met once a week. During the week we'd either email or send SMS (textmessages) on the phone. We came to a stage where I started liking to hang out with him and have his company, and wanted to say I missed him, but I was apprehensive about saying it as he may take it the wrong way. I did admit it to him though in an email that I'd like to say it,and if he thought it'd be crossing the boundaries. It turned out that he had also wanted to say that to me at times, but wasn't sure how I'd take it.

Hope all goes well for you!
/LP

 

[Vinny]

I bet

If I was lucky enough to get your munber I would call in less than 5 minutes and I don't even know you. Evidentally he has a problem.

 

[brokenbrainwave]

we are idiots and asses. not trying to be rude but thats your answer in a nutshell. I still cringe over some of the sleazy things I did to get a female in bed willingly and the even worse excuses I came up with to get out of their grips (its amazing how many times one can have amnesia).

 

[modest mouse]

Your categorization of the realationship as 'friends with benefits' seemes to have outgrown its truthfulness. Perhaps both of you are at a crossroads regarding what communication you share, perhaps neither of you is sure where it is going. he may have found someone, maybe not.

If you don't call because of some hang-up you have then you only have yourself to blame. You'll either find out why he hast called or you'll get back in touch. Either way its better than pondering a situation that you refuse to grasp control of, when you could easily do so.

A little forwardness from a woman can go a long way. its better than a wilting flower. I suspect he would not have been with you, in any capacity, if you were entirely passive.

 

[dreamer]

Maybe he just got a new handheld organizer and wanted to add you in.

The real question is what heading he put your number under. Was it his 'booty call' list or was it is 'damn I wish I could get up the nerve to go forward with this gal' list. I can certainly understand the appeal of 'friends with benefits.' Particularly when we feel we can't have more. But why??

Call him. You made a point of mentioning he gave you his as well. Call him. Talk to him. If time going by without hearing from him you probably want to be more than 'friends withj benefits.'

Life is too short to sit around waiting to find out.

 

[Weird Harold]

Just a thought:

Many times someone has givenme a phone number which I promptly lost -- not "lost" on purpose, but misplaced because I'm a very disorganised and forgetful person.

Perhaps he's just lost your number and is embarrassed to admit it?

Whatever the reason, you'll never know unless you ask -- either in person or by picking up the phone and dialing.