Rooster
Morally Compromised
- Joined
- Apr 24, 2002
- Posts
- 3,098
Memo from Santa.......
TO: West Virginia Folks
From : Santa Claus
I regret to inform you that effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve West Virginia on Christmas Eve.
Due to the overwhelming population of the earth, my contract was re-negotiated by North East Fairies and Elves Local #209. I am now only able to serve only certain areas of Ohio, Pennsylvania, New York, New Jersey and DC.
However, I am certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement, who also happens to be my 2nd cousin, Bubba Claus. Like you, his side of the family is also from West Virginia. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls. However, there are a few differences
between, us such as:
1. There is no danger of The Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace, and Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. (He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.)
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer, and now Blitzen's head overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte, on Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."
5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back off". The last I heard, it also had a decoration on the sleigh consisting of a Ford logo with lights racing through the letters.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hog Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state police cars
crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure the wife and kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
9. And finally, this year's Christmas songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in West Virginia. I got a peek at the play list, and spotted such titles as Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox" and Cledus T. Judd's "All I Want for Christmas Is My Woman and a
Six Pack".
TO: West Virginia Folks
From : Santa Claus
I regret to inform you that effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve West Virginia on Christmas Eve.
Due to the overwhelming population of the earth, my contract was re-negotiated by North East Fairies and Elves Local #209. I am now only able to serve only certain areas of Ohio, Pennsylvania, New York, New Jersey and DC.
However, I am certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement, who also happens to be my 2nd cousin, Bubba Claus. Like you, his side of the family is also from West Virginia. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls. However, there are a few differences
between, us such as:
1. There is no danger of The Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace, and Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. (He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.)
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer, and now Blitzen's head overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte, on Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."
5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back off". The last I heard, it also had a decoration on the sleigh consisting of a Ford logo with lights racing through the letters.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hog Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state police cars
crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure the wife and kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
9. And finally, this year's Christmas songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in West Virginia. I got a peek at the play list, and spotted such titles as Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox" and Cledus T. Judd's "All I Want for Christmas Is My Woman and a
Six Pack".
