Melissa and Alex / Loving Wives feedback request.

[Sara_Bellum]

My first literotica submission, "Melissa and Alex" is now up. I'd appreciate any feedback you can offer, especially with regard to character development, plot, etc. Basically, I need feedback on the more technical aspects of the story. Enjoy, and thanks.

Sara_Bellum

 

[spyro1123]

Alex an melissa link

It helps if you do that ^

 

[spyro1123]

The writing in this story is pretty good so far, but the biggest thing you need to do is break up the big blocks of text.

Reading online isnt like reading a book, an even there authors often break paragraphs more often than is required to make things easier on the eyes.

here is an example


When Melissa felt more composed, she flushed the toilet and exited the stall. Most of her sexual tension had dissipated. Though a temporary cure, at least now she could try and make it through the rest of the day without her panties being constantly damp. Melissa bent at the sink and turned the water. As she was nearly finished, she heard a toilet flush directly behind her. She felt the blood drain from her face. Nobody had entered the bathroom since she had left the stall. How long had the occupant been in here? Melissa's knees nearly gave way when she saw the star of her sexual fantasies step out from the stall next to the one Melissa had been in. Their eyes met for the briefest of moments before Melissa's returned to focus on her hands. Had the woman heard Melissa's climatic gasping? Had she heard the wet slapping noises Melissa's fingers had made as they pumped in and out of her pussy? Had Melissa been caught being a little sexually outrageous in a "normal" setting? The embarrassed woman quickly finished washing and dashed from the ladies room without drying her hands. For the remainder of the day, Melissa managed to avoid the woman. Still, she found herself tightening her groin whenever she caught a glimpse of the blond woman with her wonderful breasts through the mingling crowds. Oh what she wouldn't give to have those in her hands!

Hard to read isnt it?

I would do something like

When Melissa felt more composed, she flushed the toilet and exited the stall. Most of her sexual tension had dissipated. Though a temporary cure, at least now she could try and make it through the rest of the day without her panties being constantly damp.

Melissa bent at the sink and turned the water. As she was nearly finished, she heard a toilet flush directly behind her. She felt the blood drain from her face. Nobody had entered the bathroom since she had left the stall.

How long had the occupant been in here?

Melissa's knees nearly gave way when she saw the star of her sexual fantasies step out from the stall next to the one Melissa had been in. Their eyes met for the briefest of moments before Melissa's returned to focus on her hands.

Had the woman heard Melissa's climatic gasping?

Had she heard the wet slapping noises Melissa's fingers had made as they pumped in and out of her pussy?

Had Melissa been caught being a little sexually outrageous in a "normal" setting?

The embarrassed woman quickly finished washing and dashed from the ladies room without drying her hands.

For the remainder of the day, Melissa managed to avoid the woman. Still, she found herself tightening her groin whenever she caught a glimpse of the blond woman with her wonderful breasts through the mingling crowds. Oh what she wouldn't give to have those in her hands!

Its a lot easier with more white space.

Ok next take this one
Melissa bent at the sink and turned the water. As she was nearly finished, she heard a toilet flush directly behind her. She felt the blood drain from her face. Nobody had entered the bathroom since she had left the stall

i would try to punch it up a bit

Melissa bent at the sink to wash her hands. Nearly finished, she heard a toilet flush behind her. The blood drained from her face as she realized noboy had enterd the bathroom since she left the stall.

That would be the kind of suggestion i would make, you could re tool it to put it more in your voice, but I think there are a few places like this where the flow gets broken by slightly wordy passages. Nothing wrong with that, but sometimes it is nice to pick up the pace when things get exciting.