Maybe we just don't want them to chase us even though we make them want to chase us?

[MarlowBunny]

Maybe we just don't want them to chase us even though we make them want to chase us?

Everyone wants to feel attractive. It's human nature. When we are in committed relationships, we don't stop dressing attractively or flaunting the new suit at the beach. Why do we do that? Why do we display our desirability at the same time we don't want to be desired? Or do we want to be desired by people other than our significant other, but we don't want to be chased? Then why to we make them want to chase us?

 

[hottchic]

Maybe we just don't want them to chase us even though we make them want to chase us?

Everyone wants to feel attractive. It's human nature. When we are in committed relationships, we don't stop dressing attractively or flaunting the new suit at the beach. Why do we do that? Why do we display our desirability at the same time we don't want to be desired? Or do we want to be desired by people other than our significant other, but we don't want to be chased? Then why to we make them want to chase us?

Well this is what I say on my profile:

"Yes I am Hot as advertised in my user name. However I am not here looking to get picked up. Don't PM me unless we have met on the forums I won't reply, so don't ask for a chat session."

That about sums it up for me, I want to be seen as desirable, I get a kick out of the idea that people might desire me. But as far as friendships are concerned, particularly those that go on to become something deeper, I prefer there to be a natural development to the relationship.

I have found that the best relationships I have had in my life developed in an organic way. And most have occured in the last 2 years since I have begun to feel more secure within myself.

If people feel secure in themselves and think that they are hot, sexy, beautiful, hansome, funny, talented, creative, or whatever, then they will automatically come across as being more attractive to others. This is how I feel like now, automatically attractive to others, but for most of my life I felt very insecure.

Personally if I find somebody here attractive I will figure out ways to meet them on the threads where we can get an opportunity to find out a little more about each other, and if something develops, fine, if not, fine. All I ask for is the same type of consideration from others.

It just pisses me off that some people will PM me asking to chat on yahoo or something when they they haven't tried to get to know me before hand, I think this can be disrespectful, particularly if they try to talk dirty to me.

In general those of us who are authors and post our stories for all to see, and then come and talk to people on the threads, have got to be pretty secure in themselves (at least in their on-line presence). It takes alot of guts I believe to write erotic stories publish them for thousands of people to read and then come on the threads to talk to people.

To answer your original question Marlow, if everybody, here or in real life felt secure within themselves, nobody would chase after anybody, things would just develop naturally. If everybody felt secure within themselves they would know that they were desirable and not feel the need to always be looking for external verification although it would still be nice to get that.

 

[The_Fool]

I chase my tail.

 

[hottchic]

I chase my tail.

And a very nice tail it is too

 

[3113]

Everyone wants to feel attractive. It's human nature. When we are in committed relationships, we don't stop dressing attractively or flaunting the new suit at the beach. Why do we do that?

Um...because we don't want our significant other to be ashamed of being seen with us? I mean, that's why I try to look my best. So my other half can stand proud and (metaphorically) say, "Yep, she's with me!" And I assume he looks good so I can metaphorically say, "Yep, he's with me!"

The way you phrased the question says some interesting things about how you think actually. I mean, did you even consider that it might be the other person in the relationship who wants them to look desirable and be "chased" so that they can cut in and say, "Too late. This one's mine?" That is, after all, what trophy wives/husbands are all about, aren't they?

Also, does being in a committed relationship mean we should suddenly look awful? What would that say to our partner? "You're not worth looking nice for..."?

Why do we display our desirability at the same time we don't want to be desired?

Interesting. Being autistic, I'm always interested in how "normally" aspected folk think. Do most think like you, constantly wondering if they're desirable? Sounds like an awful waste of mental energy. As one who is abnormally aspected, I almost never think about my desirability except that I want to be desirable for my partner, whom I love. If that makes me desirable to others, it's not my aim, just a bi-product.

 

[MarlowBunny]

I think there are lots of people who wonder their whole lives whether they are desirable. There are some who are convinced they are not. There are some who spend ungodly amounts of money trying to be more desirable: Haute Couture, plastic surgery, fragrances, hair styles, penis pumps, etc.

In my case, I am suddenly insecure. I used to be a cocky guy who judged himself to be awesome and didn't think much about anyone else's opinion. I was a master of the universe (at least in my own opinion). Now I feel insecure about everything. I wonder if the relationships in my life were ever bi-directional or if I just didn't notice or care before. I may have low testosterone. I may be having a mid-life crisis. I may have man-o-pause. I may just be a pussy.

I am also somewhere on the high functioning autistic spectrum. My father is unquestionably Asperger's. I have an Asperger's son. I function better than both, but not "normally." I seldom notice nuance or understand people's motivations. What is body language?

At any rate, I am not the man my wife married. I was a virile confident stud on the fast path to ruling the world. I made a fortune and commanded great respect across several fields. I have a spectacular Curriculum Vitae. I don't feel like the man who accomplished all of that. My wife now sees me as another dependent rather than a spouse or a pillar of strength. Whatever is wrong with me, it is ruining my life or visa versa. Add ED, and my wife probably wonders why she should waste her time with me.

I ask these questions to find out how other's think because my internal compass is not working. I have never cared more about what other people think than I do now.

Having said all that, I enjoy the responses so far. More please!

 

[MarlowBunny]

Have you ever been slowing down for a turn, and a cop pulls onto the road behind you. You think, "Shit, was I speeding?" You've been slowing, so you don't know how fast you were going before. I feel like that about all of my personal relationships. I'm slowing whether I like it or not, and I think, "Shit, was she ever as into me as I thought she was?"

 

[TE999]

Have you ever been slowing down for a turn, and a cop pulls onto the road behind you. You think, "Shit, was I speeding?" You've been slowing, so you don't know how fast you were going before. I feel like that about all of my personal relationships. I'm slowing whether I like it or not, and I think, "Shit, was she ever as into me as I thought she was?"

Didn't you post this comment on another thread, Marlow? Either that or there's an echo in here.

 

[MarlowBunny]

Didn't you post this comment on another thread, Marlow? Either that or there's an echo in here.

I did, but I thought and think it explains why I ask the questions I do. I was just trying to clarify. Sorry.

 

[miss_emiii]

First off, I get a kick out of my appearance. I love it when Im sexy, and i get sad when im feeling dumpy. I can appreciate when someone else likes my appearance, but if they don't...whatever.

Despite that, I still want other people to think to think Im sexy. I dont need it, but validation is nice. Even when Im dating a guy... i like if he shows me off, and i like when he catches other people checking me out. Just like when I catch other girls checking him out/flirting with him...I don't get mad, i just flash a 'have your fun bitch, cus hes mine' smile.

 

[estragon]

Marlow, not for nothin', because I have zero qualifications except having been there, sounds like clinical depression. The drugs do work, honestly. They made the cliff edge move away from my feet by one foot--and that, as Uncle Robert said, made all the difference.

Why do we want to look attractive even when not wishing to attract? Because, at a very subconscious level, we do want to keep attracting. Keep our genes in the evolutionary race, impregnate (or be impregnated by) the best of the breed. Our troubles started in the Garden of Eden--or the Olduvai Gorge.

 

[estragon]

Marlow, not for nothin', because I have zero credentials except for having been there, but it sounds like clinical depression. Get checked out. For me, the drugs helped; they moved the edge of the cliff away from my feet by about half a meter, and that, as Uncle Robert said, made all the difference. And the edge of the cliff stayed back there even when I stopped taking the drugs.

As for the desire to be desired even when we claim we don't want to be desired, our troubles started in the Garden of Eden--or in the Olduvai Gorge. We want our genes to be the winner in the evolutionary survival stakes; so even if we have a mate, we still want to impregnate (or be impregnated by, as the case may be) the next alpha-mammal of our species.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

I have reached the Shangri-la of not giving a shit; its a wonderful feeling. The other part of it is I see females as they are, and most arent much to write home about. Remove the hormone intoxication and all their flaws materialize. I suddenly know that everything I believed when I was 11 is true: Girls arent gorgeous, theyre not interesting or fun to be with, and they seem to be under the influence most of the time.

Young men live in a world where its always closing time and things look much better than they are.

 

[SamScribble]

Young men live in a world where its always closing time and things look much better than they are.

Given your rep, I find it slightly embarassing that I seem to be agreeing with you, JBJ.

But, on the other hand, isn't it great that we once thought that things looked much better than they were?

(And, of course, maybe they were.)

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Given your rep, I find it slightly embarassing that I seem to be agreeing with you, JBJ.

But, on the other hand, isn't it great that we once thought that things looked much better than they were?

(And, of course, maybe they were.)

People who live long enough morph into me. Its a hoot to watch their terror.

Lemme say this about how great it was. I'm reminded of an old Indian I knew many years ago. He was an excellent man except for the couple of murders he commited. When I knew him we worked at a shipyard, and Old Charlie had a gravy job sitting on his ass all day passing out tools to the guys. Well! One day he comes in struting around like the cock of the walk, and quits. After he told the boss to kiss his ass he told us how he got a million dollars in the mail. That is, he got something in the mail about winning a million dollars. So he ran out, bought a new truck, and came in to quit! He came back a few weeks later, wanting his job.

Girls are like that. You go along for several years thinking theyre about as impressive as sandspurs, then one day your hormones send you a letter blabbering about how youre maybe a winner at luv. And 20 years later you come to your senses and realize that you didnt win nuthin, and in the business of love & marriage and horse & carriage youre the mule pulling her carriage.

 

[lovecraft68]

Maybe we just don't want them to chase us even though we make them want to chase us?

Everyone wants to feel attractive. It's human nature. When we are in committed relationships, we don't stop dressing attractively or flaunting the new suit at the beach. Why do we do that? Why do we display our desirability at the same time we don't want to be desired? Or do we want to be desired by people other than our significant other, but we don't want to be chased? Then why to we make them want to chase us?

Self perception goes a longway in how we live our everyday lives. If you want other people to find you attractive-even though you're happy with someone and don't "need" the attentuion- to me it shows a hint of low self esteem.

If you are happy why do you need to know someone other than your significant other desires you? Don't get me wrong it is always nice to see a woman give me a second look or flirt a little. But in my case if it happens it happens it's not something I crave.

In the past whan I was single I found that apathy works. All the hot women know they are hot and are constantly beset upon by drooling grabby morons. I have always been the guy to hang back and pay them no attention. The narcissisit in them wants to know why and pretty soon they are coming on to me.

This is law of attraction if you know "you have it" then whether you do or not others will know it as well. I'm an average looking guy and at times in my life have been with women that make guys go "what the hell is she doing with him?" confidence goes a long way with women(and men) act like you got it and they will believe you do.

The fact that you are wondering things like this tell me that maybe you are a little insecure and I have seen a bit of that in some of your other posts. I'm sure your a great person with a lot to offer convince yourself of that and you'll stop wondering about these things.