Maybe I was wrong...

[LadyIlsa]

I posted a story about a couple. The husband arranges an anniversary date that brings fantasy to fruition. Granted it includes voyeurism, some group sex, and swinging, but it was still romantic and sweet (to me at least).

I posted it as Romance and the comments and scores were depressing. I had received such high praise on another site, that this caught me by surprise.

So tell me, please: Is it the category, the content, or are my readers on the other site just easily amused?

Please read this first chapter of six (and please, read the rest if it interests you) and let me know what you all think. Thanks.

Kisses

The Date

 

[The_Fractal_King]

All those little red H's is good thing ya know

One possibility may be that readers dislike the slow pace. A lot of people do come to Lit just to get off quickly. Personally I see no problem with how it is used in the story.

There seems to be some confusion about tense at the begining. You move from present tense to past tense as it progresses which is distracting.


Over all I liked it. It's warm (if I may be so synthesasic)

 

[LadyIlsa]

All those little red H's is good thing ya know

One possibility may be that readers dislike the slow pace. A lot of people do come to Lit just to get off quickly. Personally I see no problem with how it is used in the story.

There seems to be some confusion about tense at the begining. You move from present tense to past tense as it progresses which is distracting.


Over all I liked it. It's warm (if I may be so synthesasic)

Thank you.....of course, now I need to find my dictionary...lol

Tense is a problem for me sometimes and I do so love commas!

 

[The_Fractal_King]

Sorry, the feeling that I got from the story was one of warmth. I couldn't think of the proper emotion.

 

[LadyIlsa]

Sorry, the feeling that I got from the story was one of warmth. I couldn't think of the proper emotion.

No - I'm sorry. I consider myself to have an extensive vocabulary and your word is a good one...stumped me! That's a GOOD thing.

I like that you found my story warm - that is a lovely compliment. The love they share is exactly that.

 

[MarshAlien]

I read the first chapter only, so my comments may not be of much help in explaining why your first three chapters have those little H's and the next two don't. But I'm happy to engage in speculation.

Your pacing seems a little slow, even for Romance. You spend most of the first chapter getting Lisa out of the house and all it has done, in terms of forwarding the story is establish that she and Jeff haven't had sex in two weeks. You could have accomplished the same thing by starting where Jonathan shows up, and simply have her sit back in the limo and reflect back on her frustration that morning at the same time she's looking forward to whatever Jeff has planned for her.

You could use an editor. In addition to being comma-happy, you have far too many typographical and grammatical errors in the first chapter. The first sentence in the second paragraph, "Pulling the covers back, the cold air hits her with it's instant wake up effect," has three errors all by itself. First, the cold air didn't pull the covers back. This is a misplaced modifier, because it references the object of the sentence (her) rather than the subject (the cold air). (I noticed the same thing later: "Opening the door, the dogs rushed to get out..."). Second, the word "it" gets an apostrophe only when it's a contraction for "it is." When it's used as a possessive, you should use "its." Finally, "wake up" as an adjective should probably be hyphenated.

You probably think I'm being picky, and you're probably right. But my experience is that the readers in Romance are among the most sophisticated on the site. I had one historical romance that had four chapters without any sex at all, and they were more than happy to keep reading. But they do like good, tight writing. Since I haven't read the following chapters, I don't know what plot twists you have to justify the five chapters, but if you clean up the writing, and "quicken" the story-telling, I think you'll be better off.

 

[evanslily]

MarshAlien makes some good points (as usual ).

Additionally--and this is just my observation--romance readers seem to feel cheated by one page chapters, especially if you stop just at the point where something interesting is about to happen. Writing for Literotica is rather different to writing a novel in this respect. With a book, you can just turn the page and find out what happens next. With a Literotica story, you very often have to wait a while for the next chapter (yes, I know I'm incredibly guilty of this {blushing} - sorry). So the reader who is inclined to vote may well hit '4' at this point instead of '5'.

If you're into getting those little red Hs, beware of cliff-hangers in all shapes and forms. It would seem readers hate them (and vote accordingly). Alternatively, don't post your story until you've written the whole thing. That requires far too much self-discipline for me to manage--unfortunately I need that impetus of knowing folks are waiting for the next chapter in order to kick my ass into gear and write (oh yes, and not having to be constantly studying for exams would help, grrr...)

But romance definitely appears to be the right category for your story. I've only had time to read the first couple of chapters so far but I enjoyed them, thank you

 

[MarshAlien]

Additionally--and this is just my observation--romance readers seem to feel cheated by one page chapters, especially if you stop just at the point where something interesting is about to happen. Writing for Literotica is rather different to writing a novel in this respect. With a book, you can just turn the page and find out what happens next. With a Literotica story, you very often have to wait a while for the next chapter (yes, I know I'm incredibly guilty of this {blushing} - sorry). So the reader who is inclined to vote may well hit '4' at this point instead of '5'.

This is a very good point. I have fairly short chapters as well (although not as short as your first), and I usually post them two at a time, like Bobs Life, Chs. 01-02. That seems to keep the readers happier. Or at least stops them from biting quite as often.