Mathematician Jokes

[DannyBoyUK]

The Dictionary: what mathematics professors say and what they mean by it

Clearly: I don't want to write down all the "in-between" steps.
Trivial: If I have to show you how to do this, you're in the wrong class.
It can easily be shown: No more than four hours are needed to prove it.
Check for yourself: This is the boring part of the proof, so you can do it on your own time.
Hint: The hardest of several possible ways to do a proof.
Brute force: Four special cases, three counting arguments and two long inductions.
Elegant proof: Requires no previous knowledge of the subject matter and is less than ten lines long.
Similarly: At least one line of the proof of this case is the same as before.
Two line proof: I'll leave out everything but the conclusion, you can't question 'em if you can't see 'em.
Briefly: I'm running out of time, so I'll just write and talk faster.
Proceed formally: Manipulate symbols by the rules without any hint of their true meaning.
Proof omitted: Trust me, It's true.

 

[DannyBoyUK]

How mathematicians do it...

Combinatorists do it as many ways as they can.
Combinatorists do it discretely.
(Logicians do it) or [not (logicians do it)].
Logicians do it by symbolic manipulation.
Algebraists do it in groups.
Algebraists do it in a ring.
Algebraists do it in a field.
Analysts do it continuously.
Real analysts do it almost everywhere.
Pure mathematicians do it rigorously.
Topologists do it openly.
Topologists do it on rubber sheets.
Dynamicists do it chaotically.
Mathematicians do it forever if they can do one and can do one more.

Cantor did it diagonally.
Fermat tried to do it in the margin, but couldn't fit it in.
Galois did it the night before.
Möbius always does it on the same side.
Markov does it in chains.
Newton did it standing on the shoulders of giants.
Turing did it but couldn't decide if he'd finished.

 

[DannyBoyUK]

How many mathematicians does it take to change a light bulb?
None. It's left to the reader as an exercise.
None. The answer is intuitively obvious.
One. He gives it to four programmers, thereby simplifying the problem to a previous question.

How many numerical analysts does it take to change a light bulb?
3.9967 (after six iterations).

How many mathematical logicians does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They can't do it, but they can easily prove that it can be done.

How many classical geometers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. You can't do it with a straight edge and a compass.

How many analysts does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to prove existence, one to prove uniqueness and one to derive a nonconstructive algorithm to do it.

How many number theorists does it take to change a light bulb?
I don't know the exact number, but I am sure it must be some rather elegant prime.