Masturbation and double standards

[Cirrus]

A question in two parts, short and to the point:

1) Do you think it is normal for someone, male or female, who is in a relationship and having sex regularly to masturbate, so long as it isn't to the exclusion of sex with their partner, and doesn't hinder their performance or response with them and...

2) Do you think it is fair/right for a dominant, again male or female, to masturbate whenever they desire while restricting their sub from doing so without their approval or permission, or setting limits on how often it is done (say once a week)?

I'll get to my reason for this question once a few people reply...

 

[P. B. Walker]

A question in two parts, short and to the point:

1) Do you think it is normal for someone, male or female, who is in a relationship and having sex regularly to masturbate, so long as it isn't to the exclusion of sex with their partner, and doesn't hinder their performance or response with them and...

Yes, if all those conditions are met, I don't see a problem with the partner masturbating whenever they want. However, I have to question how you know if the masturbation isn't having an adverse effect on the sex. Besides trial and error I guess. I can see where there will be situations where the sex drives of the two partners would be very different, say one only wants to have sex once a week and the other once a day. In that situation, I don't see a problem with filling that extra time with masturbation. However, if they are pretty close, say once a day compared to once every other day, I would still think masturbation would hinder the sex or exclude sex from the partner. To me, if you are in a relationship and your sex drive is relatively close to your partners... then you shouldn't need *regular* masturbation, but rather infrequent masturbation. Now, I do believe lifestyles can affect this, limited time together, one spouse travels alot, live separate due to jobs, Dom/me limits sexual contact, etc., etc., etc.

2) Do you think it is fair/right for a dominant, again male or female, to masturbate whenever they desire while restricting their sub from doing so without their approval or permission, or setting limits on how often it is done (say once a week)?

I'll get to my reason for this question once a few people reply...

If that is what truely pleases the Dom/me and it is not a hard limit for you (the submissive), then yes I believe it is ok. This is common I believe.

PBW

 

[TantaLiza]

Personally, as long as all parties remain satisfied with the sexual part of their relationship, by all means, masterbate away....

As for the D/s thing....in my limited experience, if He was to say, "Don't touch!" then I would obey without a second thought. I do have a play partner who encourages satisfaction when needed... I, on the other hand, abstain as long as I can so as to make the time together all the more satisfying...JMHO

Liza

 

[HzDomme]

A question in two parts, short and to the point:

1) Do you think it is normal for someone, male or female, who is in a relationship and having sex regularly to masturbate, so long as it isn't to the exclusion of sex with their partner, and doesn't hinder their performance or response with them and...

2) Do you think it is fair/right for a dominant, again male or female, to masturbate whenever they desire while restricting their sub from doing so without their approval or permission, or setting limits on how often it is done (say once a week)?

I'll get to my reason for this question once a few people reply...

1 .Masturbation and sex are two different things. They feel different and I see nothing wrong with enjoying both.
If one partner has a problem with the other doing so then THAT is the problem.

2. This issue goes back to control. Who is in charge and what have you negoatiated?

 

[Lancecastor]

Yes & Yes.

 

[Freya]

I'd have to go with the double yes on this.

As others have said, sexual needs in partners vary - and as long as it isn't affecting the interplay between the two, I don't see the harm in it.

As far as your second question - I think as long as it isn't for a ridiculous amount of time, isn't that sort of what it's all about? I'm just a lurker, and one who is curiously investigating this lifestyle, but it seems to me that this scenario falls under the umbrella of D/s, in that it's an element of control the Dom/me would have over his/her sub, and a matter of pleasing Him/Her. I would assume that this would be something discussed ahead of time, and sexual appetites taken into account, but it seems much like a Dom/me restricting orgasms during sexual activites.

 

[lark sparrow]

I can emphathize with the frustration this might cause, but I'd also have to echo yes and yes.

my own flash of "Control: Who's in charge and what has been negotiated?" came when I asked that my sexual activity be controlled even more than it already was by the Domme I belong to. Of course I was hoping for daily instructions which often included orgasm as a greedy girl. I learned soon enough that it was much more appealing (and perhaps empowering) for Her to deny me release outside of our play together. This wasn't exactly what I had in mind when originally requested, but it was indeed more control. And it certainly made me aware of the privilege that masturbation can be.

 

[H piltdown]

Two questions, same answer.

Is it what you both want, or not?

 

[Pure]

I like PB Walker's answer for number 1. Excellent, PBW!

For number 2, Lark Sparrow shows the paradox. The sub may want that arrangement, and I assume she(LS) means the 'inequality' in sexual outlet.

Supposing the 'sub' does NOT want that restriction--or any other. Well, it's no more 'unfair' than the sub bringing the dom/me a cuppa, in bed every morning.

I'm not sure 'unfair', from the sub's mouth, is any more worth hearing than the child's protest that her bedtime is unfairly set earlier than her teenage brother's.

That said, if something is found *deeply* and fundamentally wrong, and the sub finds herself always cleaning the bathroom floor with a tooth brush, at 3am, there's always the door. S/he is not held prisoner.

 

[cellis]

A question in two parts, short and to the point:

1) Do you think it is normal for someone, male or female, who is in a relationship and having sex regularly to masturbate, so long as it isn't to the exclusion of sex with their partner, and doesn't hinder their performance or response with them and...

It seems to me that the parameters of this relationship have yet to be defined... but here I am assuming this is a D/s relationship and the one doing the masturbating is the Dom/me. And if that is the case, then who am I to deny my Dom/me whatever pleasure they seek, however they choose to seek it.

As has been stated before, we all have different levels of sexual drives... some need release more than once a day and others need release much less. Is it normal? I have no idea what normal is for you in terms of your relationship... within the terms of my relationship, it is normal for that to happen.

2) Do you think it is fair/right for a dominant, again male or female, to masturbate whenever they desire while restricting their sub from doing so without their approval or permission, or setting limits on how often it is done (say once a week)?

Again, I do as I am told by my Dom/me. He rarely puts those kinds of restrictions on me because we don't live together and He knows and understands me. If he does restrict my masturbating it is because He knows how much more that increases my level of excitement when we are together.

However, "fair or right" are not words I use to describe His wishes or orders for me. If He asks, I comply. That is the nature of who and what we are together.

I'll get to my reason for this question once a few people reply...

 

[zipman]

Yes & Yes.

Ditto.

 

[maddi]

in my little opinion

Recently we have discussed this at our home because Master is away on business alot. Often our only outlet is nightly phone sex and masturbation. Not my ideal.But that is the best that we can do.

However, when he masterbates at home I feel that somehow I am not fufilling him. When he has been fully fufilled often he is spent and uses the time to recoup. It is not including when he masturbates in front of me or on me in scenes.

I often feel the same about him letting me masturbate. I think that he is ensuring that he satisfies me in some ways and in others it is the anticipation of making me wait.

Either way I think that it has its place but....not every day.

Maddi

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: Re: Masturbation and double standards

1 .Masturbation and sex are two different things. They feel different and I see nothing wrong with enjoying both.
If one partner has a problem with the other doing so then THAT is the problem.

2. This issue goes back to control. Who is in charge and what have you negoatiated?

Ditto on this one.

Ebony

 

[Cirrus]

OK, cool. So I'm not losing my mind. I told you I'd get to the point with this, and so I will. Thanks to all that have replied.

I didn't ask this because it's going on with me, but rather a friend that called me crying her eyes out a couple of nights ago. She's in a D/s relationship, and she and her Dom had a minor fight Saturday night. From what I understand, nothing big and not over a major issue. I guess she had put any awkward feelings behind her as the eveing progressed and wanted to play. He said no.

Well, all fine and good, until the next day when she found out he had gone home that night and masturbated. They speak pretty freely about masturbation, so it wasn't odd for him to mention it. She got upset. She couldn't figure out why he would feel a need to beat off when she was perfectly willing. His reasoning was that having sex would have done more harm than good because there was still tension between them that night, and he didn't want her to think that's all he wanted her for. Pretty damn considerate, I think.

That made her even more upset. She's expected to limit masturbation to no less than 3 days before they get together, while he has no such requirement. She hasn't had a problem with this before, I guess, until now.

I think she's being unreasonable. For one thing, partner sex and masturbation are 2 different things. I have invariably masturbated just a little less frequently when I have a partner than I have when I don't have one. Sometimes I just need to get off or relieve a little stress without having to worry about pleasing a partner. Sometimes he's not in the mood or ill. Of my parters that would be open about it, all of them have done the same. No harm done, and it didn't negatively impact our time together.

Second, I think she's calling foul on her limits because she's upset with him and for no other reason. I feel for the poor guy, I really do. In doing what he thought was right, he inadvertently caused more trouble.

 

[SexyChele]

Re: Re: Masturbation and double standards

1 .Masturbation and sex are two different things. They feel different and I see nothing wrong with enjoying both.
If one partner has a problem with the other doing so then THAT is the problem.

2. This issue goes back to control. Who is in charge and what have you negoatiated?

I agree as well....

 

[Ebonyfire]

Second, I think she's calling foul on her limits because she's upset with him and for no other reason. I feel for the poor guy, I really do. In doing what he thought was right, he inadvertently caused more trouble.

From the information at hand, I think she is not clear on the differences between being a dominant and being a submissive in a D/s relationship.

It behooves the dominant to make clear who is in charge, and what the parameters are.

My subs would never question anything I do sexually because they know from the very beginning they have no influence over what I do.

Ebony

 

[WriterDom]

is it possible to have D/s without double standards?

 

[lark sparrow]

is it possible to have D/s without double standards?

First thought: Nope. There is the "equal, but different" theory. Equal as human, and equal in responibility... but different in needs and standards. I think those double standards can be stumbling blocks though, especially at first. It's easier to accept them in D/s theory and romantic/sexual fantasy, then it is when it begins to "interfere" in a sub's "basic rights" based on general and ingrained concepts of "fairness". It can take awhile to get your head around this concept completely in daily life and interaction with your Dominant. But that's the goal, and underlying need, isn't it?

 

[silkee_A]

Yes/Yes...... but i am hiding my batteries!

 

[Ebonyfire]

is it possible to have D/s without double standards?

I do not believe it is a double standard. Both parties are not compelled to abide by the rules of the relationship. They both can leave. It is not something imposed by an outside force.

Eb

 

[lark sparrow]

Those are the bottom lines and things to keep in focus... but there aren't too many full actualized from the day they are born Dominats and submissives. Relationships are not always seamless - we all have things to learn, past experiences that lead or cloud our judgement, etc.

Can it not appear as a double standard for someone on the lower end of their learning curve?

 

[rosco rathbone]

2) Do you think it is fair/right for a dominant, again male or female, to masturbate whenever they desire while restricting their sub from doing so without their approval or permission, or setting limits on how often it is done (say once a week)?

]

Fair?? Who said anything about fair?

 

[NemoAlia]

Yes... all good points in response to Cirrus' question.

May I throw in my own question, on a similar topic?

Many people are drawing distinctions between partnered sex and masturbation. What about those of us who can only have orgasms via masturbation? I really would like to allow myself to experience pleasure at someone else's hands, but I have never succeeded in achieving orgasm without intervening on my own behalf. For me, this blurs the distinction between masturbation and partnered sex.

The thing is, my current partner feels like he loses his involvement if I have to take over the clit-rubbing in mid-coitus. So... no masturbation. But this results in orgasm denial ALL THE TIME -- which is not a rule in our relationship.

Of course, now that I've explained my situation, I'm not sure that I really have a clear question to ask. I suppose the most concise version would be:

Suggestions, anyone?

 

[Lancecastor]

Suggestions, anyone?

If you'd like for your partner to induce orgasms in you without your intervention, I suggest the following program, Nemo:

1. No more self-love until the program shows consistent success!!;

2. No more touching yourself during partnered sex either!!;

3. He should bind your hands to the bedposts or perform some other agreed suitable ritual that shows he's clearing involved in bringing you to O;

4. Eventually, after trying lots of fun things, you'll have an orgasm from Him and you'll be off to the races in ways you are not right now; or

5. You'll break up with him if he cannot ever make you cum without you masturbating.

I say these things because you are likely presently controlling your orgasms instead of letting him close enough to give you one.

Only you know why.

It could be something transitory like your studies or waiting for exam results...I don't know how long he's been in the pic, after all.

Anyway, I think the nub of it is you either learn to trust him enough to let him make you cum, or get a new man if he can't deliver the goods.

What do you think?

Lance

 

[NemoAlia]

Lance -- you're one step short from volunteering, hm?

Anyway, he's certainly not my first, but he's certainly no exception. When I said never, I meant never with anyone.

Yeah, it's probably a trust thing. Or maybe it's just my youth. After all, I only figured out how to bring myself off two years ago. Sigh.

Anyway, thanks for the suggestions. I wouldn't normally ask such an open-ended question, except that Cirrus's thread just sparked my curiosity into action. Sorry for the hijack!