Merelan
Lady's Love
- Joined
- Mar 29, 2000
- Posts
- 10,812
I apologize if this has been posted, and you know me, I never do this kind of thing. But it struck me as so real and funny. Enjoy!
> Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this
> Thanksgiving. I'm telling you in advance, so don't
> act surprised. Since Ms. Stewart won't be coming, I've
> made a few small changes:
>
> Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade, paper
> bag luminaries. After a trial run, it was decided that
> no matter how cleverly done, rows of flaming lunch
> sacks do not have the desired welcoming effect.
>
> Once inside, our guests will note that the entry hall
> is not decorated with the swags of Indian corn and
> fall foliage I had planned to make. Instead, I've
> gotten the kids involved in the decorating by having
> them track in colorful autumn leaves from the front
> yard. The mud was their idea.
>
> The dining table will not be covered with expensive
> linens, fancy china, or crystal goblets. If possible,
> we will use dishes that match and everyone will get a
> fork.
>
> Since this IS Thanksgiving, we will refrain from using
> the plastic Peter Rabbit plate and the Santa napkins
> from last
> Christmas.
>
> Our centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh fruit
> and flowers that I promised. Instead we will be
> displaying a hedgehog-like decoration hand-crafted
> from the finest construction paper. The artist
> assures me it is a turkey.
>
> We will be dining fashionably late. The children will
> entertain you while you wait. I'm sure they will be
> happy to share every choice comment I have made
> regarding Thanksgiving, pilgrims and the turkey
> hotline. Please remember that most of these comments
> were made at 5:00 a.m. upon discovering that the
> turkey was still hard enough to cut diamonds.
>
> As accompaniment to the children's recital, I will
> play a recording of tribal drumming. If the children
> should mention that I don't own a recording of tribal
> drumming, or that tribal drumming sounds suspiciously
> like a frozen turkey in a clothes dryer, ignore them.
> They are lying.
>
> We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver bell
> to announce the start of our feast. In the end, we
> chose to keep our traditional method. We've also
> decided against a formal seating arrangement. When
> the smoke alarm sounds, please gather around the table
> and sit where you like.
>
> In the spirit of harmony, we will ask the children to
> sit at a separate table. In a separate room. Next
> door.
>
> Now, I know you have all seen pictures of one person
> carving a turkey in front of a crowd of appreciative
> onlookers. This will not be happening at our dinner.
> For safety reasons, the turkey will be carved in a
> private ceremony. I stress "private" meaning: Do not,
> under any circumstances, enter the kitchen to laugh at
> me. Do not send small, unsuspecting children to
> check on my progress. I have an electric knife. The
> turkey is unarmed. It stands to reason that I will
> eventually win. When I do, we will eat.
>
> I would like to take this opportunity to remind my
> young diners that "passing the rolls" is not a football
> play. Nor is it a request to bean your sister in the
> head with warm tasty
> bread.
>
> Oh, and one reminder for the adults: For the duration
> of the meal, and especially while in the presence of
> young diners, we will refer to the giblet gravy by its
> lesser-known name: Cheese Sauce. If a young diner
> questions you regarding the origins or type of Cheese
> Sauce, plead ignorance. Cheese Sauce stains.
>
> Before I forget, there is one last change. Instead of
> offering a choice between 12 different scrumptious
> desserts, we will be serving the traditional pumpkin
> pie, garnished with whipped cream and small
> fingerprints. You will still have a choice;
> take it or leave it.
>
> Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this
> Thanksgiving. Maybe she will come next year.
> Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this
> Thanksgiving. I'm telling you in advance, so don't
> act surprised. Since Ms. Stewart won't be coming, I've
> made a few small changes:
>
> Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade, paper
> bag luminaries. After a trial run, it was decided that
> no matter how cleverly done, rows of flaming lunch
> sacks do not have the desired welcoming effect.
>
> Once inside, our guests will note that the entry hall
> is not decorated with the swags of Indian corn and
> fall foliage I had planned to make. Instead, I've
> gotten the kids involved in the decorating by having
> them track in colorful autumn leaves from the front
> yard. The mud was their idea.
>
> The dining table will not be covered with expensive
> linens, fancy china, or crystal goblets. If possible,
> we will use dishes that match and everyone will get a
> fork.
>
> Since this IS Thanksgiving, we will refrain from using
> the plastic Peter Rabbit plate and the Santa napkins
> from last
> Christmas.
>
> Our centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh fruit
> and flowers that I promised. Instead we will be
> displaying a hedgehog-like decoration hand-crafted
> from the finest construction paper. The artist
> assures me it is a turkey.
>
> We will be dining fashionably late. The children will
> entertain you while you wait. I'm sure they will be
> happy to share every choice comment I have made
> regarding Thanksgiving, pilgrims and the turkey
> hotline. Please remember that most of these comments
> were made at 5:00 a.m. upon discovering that the
> turkey was still hard enough to cut diamonds.
>
> As accompaniment to the children's recital, I will
> play a recording of tribal drumming. If the children
> should mention that I don't own a recording of tribal
> drumming, or that tribal drumming sounds suspiciously
> like a frozen turkey in a clothes dryer, ignore them.
> They are lying.
>
> We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver bell
> to announce the start of our feast. In the end, we
> chose to keep our traditional method. We've also
> decided against a formal seating arrangement. When
> the smoke alarm sounds, please gather around the table
> and sit where you like.
>
> In the spirit of harmony, we will ask the children to
> sit at a separate table. In a separate room. Next
> door.
>
> Now, I know you have all seen pictures of one person
> carving a turkey in front of a crowd of appreciative
> onlookers. This will not be happening at our dinner.
> For safety reasons, the turkey will be carved in a
> private ceremony. I stress "private" meaning: Do not,
> under any circumstances, enter the kitchen to laugh at
> me. Do not send small, unsuspecting children to
> check on my progress. I have an electric knife. The
> turkey is unarmed. It stands to reason that I will
> eventually win. When I do, we will eat.
>
> I would like to take this opportunity to remind my
> young diners that "passing the rolls" is not a football
> play. Nor is it a request to bean your sister in the
> head with warm tasty
> bread.
>
> Oh, and one reminder for the adults: For the duration
> of the meal, and especially while in the presence of
> young diners, we will refer to the giblet gravy by its
> lesser-known name: Cheese Sauce. If a young diner
> questions you regarding the origins or type of Cheese
> Sauce, plead ignorance. Cheese Sauce stains.
>
> Before I forget, there is one last change. Instead of
> offering a choice between 12 different scrumptious
> desserts, we will be serving the traditional pumpkin
> pie, garnished with whipped cream and small
> fingerprints. You will still have a choice;
> take it or leave it.
>
> Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this
> Thanksgiving. Maybe she will come next year.
