Married? Single? Playing?

[SexyChele]

Okay, I know I don't post here that often, but I'd be interested in knowing if people can explain some things to me.

Let me put in a disclaimer here: I am not judging anyone's choice of lifestyle. Rather, I'm trying to understand it. Please, please do not take what I'm going to ask as a "put down" or being some kind of moralistic bitch. I really don't want to come across that way with this. I consider it too important.


Many people here have openly stated that they are involved in scening with people married to some one else. Granted, I am not as experienced as many here, but the 2 Doms in my life (skin-to-skin) were both single. As part of developing the complete trust to allow them control over aspects of my life, I became very attached to each of them. I loved them, but I was also "in love" with them. I do know that in some scenes, a Dom might call for sharing - I've yet to experience that, but don't think I'd have a problem with it, as I like women.

How do people who are involved with married people balance this part of their lives? I did have an affair with a married man once, and it ended up one of the worse experiences of my life. I don't think I could even consider the fact of having a Dom who was married to another woman. It would tear me to pieces, I think.

So I'm wondering if others here have those same feelings? Or is it "just a scene" nothing more? Do any subs here develop an overly strong attachment to their Doms? Or am I just wired weirdly like that?

For those who are married and have a BDSM relationship with some one other than your spouse, does your spouse know about?

I'm sorry if my questions seem elemental, but I'm trying to understand this. I have been contacted by potential Doms, but with the exception of one, all have been married. After my experience with having an affair with the married man, I just cannot go there and have turned down more offers than I can count. While all of them have respected my wishes, most seemed confused as to why I would not get involved with them.

I know this is a long post, and if you've gotten this far, thank you! Any info anyone can provide, or personal experience that would help me to understand, would be appreciated. Thank you!

 

[Quint]

I'm also very curious on this same issue and was going to start a similar thread today. Cosmic convergence. Hunny and I are introducing a third into our relationship for the second time, except I anticipate that this one will go MUCH better than the first. We all intend for this to be for sport and variety, not for any length of time--at least not initially. However, if we did intend to branch out and make more connections...well...how well do those last?

I've had varying feelings about monogamy through my life. At first I panicked when the first third was with us. I set the limit "no intercourse," because I wanted that to be something only he and I shared. I still felt like we had lost something, or changed, or some unidentifiable emotion. I definitely knew it hadn't gone as I'd have wanted. We weren't equal enough in desire and self-assurance, and we needed to be.

However, since then I've wondered. Can one person fulfill every need their partner has? It reminds me of the Bible paradox: some things contradict other things. Partners being mortal and not divinely inspired, this is a problem: how can somebody be everything you want when there are some things you want just because the partner can't be them? I've found increasing needs in myself that I WANT another person for. I want to be used by a genuine Dom, not one that plays at it strictly for my benefit. I want female companionship. I want to keep Hunny as my lifelong partner, but I'm exasperated with all these other "wants" that keep building up behind me.

Does it work? Can it happen?

 

[Cirrus]

I was going to post the same thing. I have been involved with several married men, all of whom have never lied to me about their marital status and their intentions to stay married. All but one have been great relationships.

The first meaningful one kind of just happened. He was a co-worker but we'd never met until he had to change shifts for a week. The attraction was intense and instant, but it was a few months before we acted on it. We loved each other deeply, and truth be known, though I've moved on I don't think I'll ever be over him. The affair never FELT like we were doing anything wrong. I was his first affair, and as far as I know, he hasn't had any others since. Through the whole thing, he never loved his wife any less, and they still had an active sex life. He ended it amicably, and we remained close friends until he moved. We weren't in a BDSM relationship, but he'd be a little "rough" with me from time to time.

My current partner who is now my Dom, is also married. He doesn't intend to leave his wife either. He's had affairs before me, and usually with women like me who are much younger. He says he still loves his wife, but is probably not in love with her...there's on "spark", as he puts it, and no sex. He promised her when they were married that he would never leave her, and that's a promise he intends to keep. He hasn't left her emotionally either...he still provides for her, still cares for her in times of illness, supports her emotionally and shows affection.

For us it's not "just a scene", we have feelings for each other. For right or for wrong, they are there. We cannot help that. Like I said in the other thread, monogomy is the "ideal" but what ideal works for everyone?

When I am involved with a married man, we are involved. I will not EVER get mixed up with the kind of married man who's pissed at his wife, goes to a bar, picks up a college student, takes her to the Econo Lodge and fucks her senseless, then never speaks to her again. That kind of man is an asshole who doesn't deserve his wife. But sometimes, like with my boyfriend, you cannot help what's in your heart. I don't care if I get hurt...I've been hurt before and I can take it. If I should break his heart he'll live another day afterwards, too. We just make sure that no one else gets hurt as a result of our relationship. No one else needs to suffer for the choices we have made.

 

[willfulbrat]

I'm married, and I have a Dom who is also married. Both of our spouses know about it. We will sometimes go out with one or the other of them, but neither of them are into BDSM.

Am I attached to my Dom? Very. My husband is too, and they are good friends. I think disclosure is very important to spouses, though I understand it isn't always possible. It would be very hard to hide marks or toys from a spouse, I imagine.

I don't want to take my Dom away from his wife, and He doesn't want to take me from my husband and children. I think that's a big part of why it works, our S.O.'s feel secure in the knowledge that they are loved and not in danger of being replaced.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Deserved bump, and one I'm surprised did not have more responses at the time.

 

[Pure]

few responses. probably because of overlap with other threads.

age old issue. i'm not sure i see Chele's question: maybe she's best not with a married dom. clearly others have them (It's not clear if the dom's spouse knows), and are fairly or quite satisfied.
Similarly there is a range of guilt in the 'third party', from none, to lots.

one item does occur; perhaps the question is not, 'can Chele have a good relationship with a married dom' but 'can she have a good relationship with a married dom of her choosing.'

it's reasonably clear, Chele, that one experience is not a good basis for judging (formulating a rule about 'don't), esp. the farther away in time, you are. were it so, many would have given up sex.

 

[dragonlace]

Personally i don't think i could handle it if my Dom was married to someone else. I love Him and am not sure i would be able to put myself fully into someones hands that i could have no emotional attachment to. Sharing isn't an issue( it is a poly relationship) although at times its very difficult and one feels left out. To be able to trust fully for me is hard enough without having the added pressure of Him being married to someone outside our relationship. For me to fully submit i have to have that kind of emotional attachment so maybe i am wired sort of funny as well. My love for Him spans alot of things but i don't think if He were married i could feel as fully or give myself as fully.

...hopefully this didn't come out as mindless babble...

 

[MissTaken]

There is no right answer for this one as I believe has been demonstrated on the forum.

The only right answer is the answer that is right for you.

 

[Netzach]

What Miss Taken said. If it's for you, you'll know. If it's not, you'll also know.

 

[FungiUg]

[...]is it "just a scene" nothing more? Do any subs here develop an overly strong attachment to their Doms? Or am I just wired weirdly like that?

Personally, I would expect that to be the norm. You form a deep, trusting, playful, intense relationship with someone -- how are you not going to include your emotions?

I know that I care for the submissive that my lover and I share. So you might say I am in the "married and playing" category, although I'm not technically married to my lover. I know I have feelings for our submissive, and I know my lover does as well.

For those who are married and have a BDSM relationship with some one other than your spouse, does your spouse know about?

Er yes. Although it started as a twosome, and then I gave my lover the opportunity to broaden it to a threesome, which after meeting our submissive, she was quite keen on doing!

I have been contacted by potential Doms, but with the exception of one, all have been married. After my experience with having an affair with the married man, I just cannot go there and have turned down more offers than I can count. While all of them have respected my wishes, most seemed confused as to why I would not get involved with them.

Are they honestly confused, or putting on an act? I can understand how someone wouldn't want to get involved with someone who is already in a relationship. I don't believe in monogamy (obviously), but every relationship is hard work, and it's an unusual person who can make more than one intimate relationship at a time work well.

 

[landcruisergal]

I have always separated the physical/mental from the emotional.
So I have been in a 5 year relationship with a younger man whom I care for intensely. We are so alike it is nearly incestuous in its nature ( i hate the term soul mate).We just seem to fit, we are so sexually intuitive, its freaky.
I have a master to whom I give my body and mind, but I have no emotional link to in any way, shape or form.He is likewise in a vanilla relationship.
I am into mind games and head fucks.
I think you know I am a pain slut, this is just another form. I get off on guilt.Guilt over my own infidelity, and guilt over being a party to his, the "other woman" as it were.Ouch!
So I must be in the "married and playing" box too.

 

[landcruisergal]

oops double post, sorry.

 

[deepstare]

Hey SexyChele,

You have perfectly decent questions, in fact I wonder some of those myself. Let me try to answer with some of the things I've learned in my life.

When it comes to sex, I believe variety is the spice of life. If you had a delicious prime rib steak every night for dinner, you'd get bored of it eventually. This isn't unlike sex. Many guys want to share their women with another woman simply because it seems kinky and erotic, which is true to a degree. But some of us want to share to exapand both his and her horizons. Some people say "I've had sex with my partner for years and I enjoy it every time." But I think those people are missing out. They're comfortable how things are and have stopped learning and growing.

I'm not saying you should go out and screw everyone! I'm just saying that with the right dom/sub relation, you two can be with another woman (or man) and find both pleasure and discovery about yourself.

As for being married or single...that's tricky. I'm still figuring that out. I guess it depends on how important the concept of marraige is to you. I'm 20 and it doesn't appeal to me. Cementing that perfect dom/sub relation by marraige does seem right, but what about a third person? Assuming its a woman, what can we say about her? I wouldn't want her to be just a plaything but at the same time she obviously can't be a part of the marraige (unless you're in some polygamy allowing society). And that makes me wonder if such things like an ideal dom and 2 subs relationship can exist...

As you can see I don't have all the answers. I've probably contradicted myself somewhere. But if we all do a little brainstorming, maybe we can figure out something.

 

[Tom Bishop]

MissTaken Had it right It is different for everyone I have thought of this question all my married life
I am a Ironworker who works out of town a lot
When out of town Usurly pick up a girl or women to keep me company While there When Job is done go back home or on trips back home while job is going on love to be with my wife and kids Always sort of felt bad because I felt no guilt for I gusse you would say Cheating on them . Always had what I call little friends (women) For after work play time before going home when I work local Wife Dosen't Like loud busy lots of action Bars life with her is complete oppasite then my work life And I NEED both of them
I have been married for 28 Years with very miner I guess normal problems I am 54 Been Ironworker since 16 Been boss since 24
Now I find that with this one Guy I find I like to be his submissive lille cum slut Witch is a Whole New Wringle In my life and I love it It has been going on for two years I have no guilt or shame about it
I guess I just have different Kinds of sports then other guys my age I don.t Play Golf or watch baseball football or soccar so I just play around
Bishop

 

[Boudicca]

I'm married, but have been wrestling with this issue mentally for a while. I love my husband dearly. He is kind, funny, wonderful. I chose him as a life-partner because I knew he would be the best father, and he is.

However, he has always known that I am bi-sexual and recently learned of my interest in submissive play. Both are turn-offs. We've discussed how to make this work into our sexual life, and after three years have found that there is no compromise.

He said that as long as he doesn't know, he's not hurt. Is this unhealthy? Perhaps. I would much rather be honest with him. But this is his choice.

I'm not sure how a relationship outside of my marriage will affect me personally, as I haven't done it yet (other than a kiss or two). Any advice would be welcomed.

 

[FungiUg]

He said that as long as he doesn't know, he's not hurt. Is this unhealthy? Perhaps. I would much rather be honest with him. But this is his choice.

Unfortunately, I don't think that will work too well. Even if you are not currently seeing anyone else or playing with anyone else, your partner will suspect you are -- because he knows that you intend to.

So... expect a gumpy partner and a few heated arguments at odd moments. It's hard work to get everything to work, particularly when you have a partner who you can't include.

I'm not sure how a relationship outside of my marriage will affect me personally, as I haven't done it yet (other than a kiss or two). Any advice would be welcomed.

Well, every relationship is different, so there's an element of "suck it and see". But I'm sure you have some idea of what to expect. Juggling times and schedules, trying to keep it out of your partner's face but at the same time bursting with the fun things you are doing and discovering and the new person you are spending time with.

Generally, you will have less time available, you will feel stretched, and your stress levels will go up.

So provided you are prepared to deal with those factors, then it's worth doing.

I know for myself I decided that running around my partner's back wasn't a suitable long term option, so my partner and I found a solution where she could be included. I'm not sure I could go back to being monogamous (I'd be lying to myself!), and I sure as hell don't wish to give up on D/s -- even if I have a partner who isn't submissive. So I just accept the additional work required to keep a relationship with another person going and working well. Not having to conceal it from my partner helps a lot though, so I'm not sure how well you will fare there.

Best of luck!

 

[SexyChele]

Well, I have to admit this was a bit of a surprise to see this thread again! Thank you, Catalina!

At the time I started this thread, I was actively seeking a Dom and some of the questions I brought up were confusing me a the time and I came here for some clarification. But, what a difference a year can make! I truly love the man I am with now, and even though we engage in light BDSM play very infrequently, he knows how to satisfy and please me. What more can a person want in this life, yes?

As to the married/single/playing thing, I would still be interested in reading any input or discussions come up. Although it no long impacts me directly, I feel there are many out there in this big world for which it does.

And I have reached one conclusion, I have to agree with FungiUg - if one finds that monogamy is something they are not well suited for, then it is best to be honest with one's partner. (Understanding, of course, that not everyone is always in a position to be that honest.)

 

[Lady Emerald]

I think honesty is the ideal--but it is true to say some people just don't want to know. Its easier for them to deal with if they can pretend its not happening. I think it depends on the personality of each individual.
Where both D/s are married to other people there is probably a greater understanding of the demands and commitments of family life. They are both probably seeking a relationship in which to explore BDSM life where their respective partners are not interested. The relationship can be unequal where one partner is single and one married--placing extra strain on the individuals involved.

 

[Princessintrng]

Personally i don't think i could handle it if my Dom was married to someone else. I love Him and am not sure i would be able to put myself fully into someones hands that i could have no emotional attachment to. Sharing isn't an issue( it is a poly relationship) although at times its very difficult and one feels left out. To be able to trust fully for me is hard enough without having the added pressure of Him being married to someone outside our relationship. For me to fully submit i have to have that kind of emotional attachment so maybe i am wired sort of funny as well. My love for Him spans alot of things but i don't think if He were married i could feel as fully or give myself as fully.

...hopefully this didn't come out as mindless babble...

I guess I am wired sort of funny then too. I have to know that the man I am with is as available to me as I am to him and is willing to commit not just physically, but emotionally, mentally and spiritually as well. I have many friends who talk about casual sex, or harmless sex, I can't relate because I can't just give my body to someone without there being at least a mental and emotional exchange as well.

 

[Spiderich]

Married w/children

I have to know that the man I am with is as available to me as I am to him and is willing to commit not just physically, but emotionally, mentally and spiritually as well. I have many friends who talk about casual sex, or harmless sex, I can't relate because I can't just give my body to someone without there being at least a mental and emotional exchange as well.

It is not an easy issue when it comes to married persons. I am into a relationship now where my wife has very little to do with me and is not really interested in this lifestlye or even sex in general. I can not leave the marriage as there are 2 older children involved and soon heading off to college. There is a house and so many other commitments.
My point is I can not just walk away and so should I say no to my needs also. (Rhetorical question) I was already in one relationship and gave my complete commiment to her but she needed to leave and thus this Dominant was hurt.
As long as both parties go in knowing that there might be other people involved (i.e. marriage partners or the like) and are still willing to persue that intimacy then let them. But I will agree from experience that it is intinsically much harder than without other commitments