Marriage trouble (long post)

[Jeepman1]

Need help!
I have been married for 13 years, have 2 children with my wife. My wife and I have been seeing a marriage counselor for the past 14 months. Our sex life is none existing, we do not agree on how to raise the kids or on most of house decisions. I was the one who initiated seeing the counselor. She was very reluctant to make our marriage better. She is always right and I am always wrong. She screams at the kids almost every day. Yesterday my older son got yelled at for scoring B+ on his last math test. I can no longer take this. My kids are smart but spoiled. If I am to say anything while she is screaming and arguing with the kids she tells me to mind my own business and that she knows what she is doing. I love my kids and I still love my wife but I know she is wrong on what she is doing to the kids. I have asked her to see a doctor to find out if she is going through pre-menopause phase (she is 46). She agreed to it. After seeing a doctor she told me “There is nothing wrong with me, I am not going through menopause” Later I found out that she hasn’t had any tests done. Six weeks ago I got laid of from work. She accused me of helping myself to be laid of so I won’t have to pay child support as I mentioned divorce. If anyone out there has any ideas what can be done to help me out please let me know. I have tried very hard to make things better but nothing works.
Thank you for reading this.

 

[cymbidia]

Perhaps you would take your children in to talk with some kinda children's counselor for an independant determination of whether damage is occuring to them as a result of what you precieve as your wife's overt hositilty and meaness?

Without wonderful insurance, it might be expensive but there should be someplace that charges a sliding scale fee based on your income. Check your local phone book in county "Child Welfare" or "Public Health" sections, as a place to begin. Additionally, check the Parenting section in the yellow pages for any kinda non-profit parenting organizations at which you could ask about this.

I am fearful for your children being exposed to such overt and ongoing hostility. What are you and she teaching them about what it is to be married, or what it is to be a man, or a woman? Kids are sponges; they soak up everything, absolutely everything.

Good luck.

 

[SexyChele]

Jeepman,
Your wife's actions sound EXACTLY like my mother's when I was a teenager! Accusing my father of always being wrong, I was never good enough at anything I did, nothing about her life was good. She was a time-bomb as well - one minute you would walk into a room and she was nice and friendly. Leave for 2 minutes, come back, and all hell broke loose. And my father and I wondering what had happened.

Her problem? The beginning of menopause. It is actually very astute of you to think of that. My father didn't, and I was clueless. It took my dad a long, long, long time to get my mom to go to a doctor for testing. He had threatened to have her committed. (Don't even know if people can really do that or not!) I know that he tried to have many heart to heart talks with her in my presence, so I can only imagine that he tried to talk to her in private as well. He never threatened to leave, but he did eventually get her to go to a doctor. (If he were still alive, I'd ask him how he did, sorry!) She went, and indeed she was fully into menopause and not dealing well with it. She was put on hormones, and the change that occurred was almost miraculous.

The problem was, my mom didn't see how her behavior was affecting anyone else. Only after she started taking hormones, and really listening to my father and me did she begin to realize the extent of her bizarre behavior. She still denies it was as bad as anyone says. *shrug*

She really needs to get to a doctor and get tested. You might want to try to enlist the help of close women friends or her own doctor. I'll bet your wife is not happy with herself either, but is at a loss as to what to do. Maybe hearing that she needs to be checked out by a doctor coming from other people might make her listen. I don't know. It's a tough situation.

One thing I can tell you is cymbidia is correct. Get help for your kids! I was 15-19 when this hell was going on, and I moved out of the house just a few months past my 18th birthday, things were so bad. But there are scars, even to this day, and I'm over 40. I don't trust my mother, I constantly think she is going to "blow" like she did when I was 17. Deep down, even though she tells me differently, I have issues about meeting her standards. I always feel like I'm letting her down or doing things wrong when I'm around her. Normally, I walk on eggshells when I'm with her, afraid I'm going to do/say something that she's going to take wrong.

Those 4 years left a permanent mark on me, and I doubt I will ever get over it. Thankfully, I had a healthy, open relationship with my father, but when he died 10 years ago, my worst fears came to life - I had to deal with my mother alone.

Draw closer to your kids, encourage them to talk to you, even if it's just about their day. Build them up emotionally, let them know they can come to you in the midst of the storm. (Yes, many would have said I was spoiled as well, but I really opened up to my father during those years, and that was the basis of the best relationship I've ever had in my life) Try not to argue with your wife in front of your kids. If your wife's behavior becomes bizarre (my mother's did), either take your wife from the situation or take your kids somewhere.

As cymbidia says, there are programs out there to counsel kids. If you do not have a job at the moment, some of those programs might be free or on a sliding scale. Call Social Services or Children's Protective Services and aks what programs might be available in your area. (you do not have grounds for child abuse, so you do not have to worry about a social worker showing up at your door) They can tell you what resources your community has to offer that might help.

Good luck, jeepman. Damn, I know what your kids are going through, and I think a little of what you are going through, so I feel for ya.

BTW: once my mother was put on hormones, she was fine. My parents stayed together, and at the time of my dad's death, they had been married 34 years. At the end, both stated they had a happy marriage. There can be happy ending to this.

 

[huskie]

Perhaps you would take your children in to talk with some kinda children's counselor for an independant determination of whether damage is occuring to them as a result of what you precieve as your wife's overt hositilty and meaness?

Without wonderful insurance, it might be expensive but there should be someplace that charges a sliding scale fee based on your income. Check your local phone book in county "Child Welfare" or "Public Health" sections, as a place to begin. Additionally, check the Parenting section in the yellow pages for any kinda non-profit parenting organizations at which you could ask about this.

I am fearful for your children being exposed to such overt and ongoing hostility. What are you and she teaching them about what it is to be married, or what it is to be a man, or a woman? Kids are sponges; they soak up everything, absolutely everything.

Good luck.

I agree and would add that I know what cymbidia is sugesting well be tuff to do WITHOUT your wife knowing about it, at least for the first few secession. But you need to start preparing your self for court. Talk to SOME (not one) lawyers.

 

[AKA T-REX]

WOW,

I agree with Cymbidia, SexyChele and Huskie.

Be carefull of Child Protective Services. Here in N. Cal they are out of control.
They have been written about in the SacBee (Newspaper) many many times.

Document, Document, Document everything. If god forbid it gets worse, you will be well armed. You may even want to tape it. Not much good in court, but excelent with meditators.

I went through a nasty divorce. I have had the police at my door many many times. Accused of you name it.

My ex was in her mid thirties at the time. She matured way early. Grew to her height and weight by the age of 12. Sexually active at 13. I believe menopause occured way early.

Also I had a neighbor at the time that was going through what you are going through. I could here the woman screaming at the children and the husband from across the street.

The best of luck to you.

 

[the hot one]

DO NOT talk about divorce anymore. Once it is being discussed as an option, it is unlikely that course will be reversed.

Do you have a "neutral" 3rd party that could intercede (priest, pastor), trusted friend-in-common who might be seen as "knowledgeable" (doctor, professor)... suggesting that counseling be pursued in earnest?

 

[Pdxmwm]

I agree

DO NOT talk about divorce anymore. Once it is being discussed as an option, it is unlikely that course will be reversed.

Once you broach the subject of divorce, it will be very hard to turn back... been there, saw it happen.

That said, you must start to protect yourself, financially and emotionally. Pursue counseling and legal advice at the same time; counseling together if possible, legal advice by yourself.

The ultimate question is "are you and your children better off, now and in the future, as your family unit now exists, or would you be better off, as a family unit, where you and your current wife are living separately." I tried to word the question carefully, because whether or not you and your wife break the bonds of matrimony, the family bounds should remain intact.

Only rarely do the participants in a divorce all become winners; to pursue or not pursue a divorce, when children are involved, is one of the thorniest problems, you'll ever face. Please try to seek all other solutions first.

Good Luck, and God Bless You, as you wrestle with this problem.

 

[CuriouslilQT]

Well Chele..
As long as you learned from your mothers mistakes and didnt bring it into your household. Pat yourself for being so strong.
but overall this page gave me some advice to and I am only 20. Good luck jeepman.

 

[Monazwx]

JeepMan

I admire the patience and constraint that you have maintained during the stressful times. Your wife's behaviour is definitely questionable and should be checked out.

Maybe she's scared. She told you she took tests that she really didn't take. Does she think something's wrong and doesn't want to share? She's in denial though and needs to face reality.

I didn't know that menopause could take such a toll on someone and the effect that it can have on their family. Right now, protecting the children from emotional abuse should be your main concern. Communication is the key.

Neverless, your wife needs support, so try to stay in the marriage for the long haul, (as long as you can stand it). Hang in there (((jeepman))).

 

[SexyChele]

Well Chele..
As long as you learned from your mothers mistakes and didnt bring it into your household. Pat yourself for being so strong.
but overall this page gave me some advice to and I am only 20. Good luck jeepman.

Trust me, Curious, I'm almost a fanatic about the possibility of approaching menopause! Sometimes I wake up in a bad mood, and I wonder. But at least I have regular checkups with my doctor and am very honest with her. And I hope hope this whole "menopause thing" skips a generation or two!



What I'm really surprised at is how quickly everyone is jumping to divorce around here! Yes, Jeepman did say he mentioned it, but I got the feeling it was more out of frustration than anything else. Are marriages so disposable these days? Dang! The woman is probably going through a period where her hormones are out of control, probably easily controlled with medication, and almost everyone is telling him to seek legal advice! I'm just very surprised!

Jeepman, I've noticed you haven't responded to the thread, but if you are reading this, I strongly encourage you to get help for your wife. Don't be so quick to jump to divorce. I think I would have suffered more if my father had decided to divorce my mother, rather than continuing to help her find help. Damn! Talk about emotional abuse on a child! Do people have any idea how much turmoil divorce can cause in a child's life, a opposed to the parents sticking it out and finding a solution?

Stick with it, Jeepman. And the best of luck to you!

 

[Jeepman1]

Thank you all for your thoughts.
I am not going to divorce my wife. When I mentioned that to her it was in a moment of desperation. I love my kids too much to put them through that.
I don't know how to convince her to get help. She simply doesn't want to be helped.
I am a strong person, I'll take a lot of abuse and I hope that in the end somehow Ill get her help that she needs.
To all of you who read my post and answered I thank you.
It makes me feel better to know that I am not alone with this kind of situation.
Jeepman

 

[Jeepman1]

By the way I read all posts and can't wait to see more.
You have no idea how helpful it is to read your opinions.
Once again THANK YOU and keep them coming.
Jeepman