Marriage Dilemma

[musicfan1976]

I have, by most measures, a very good marriage. We're legit friends, we support each other, we're open, have learned how to have hard conversations, agree on raising the kids, share the burdens (though, yes, even with me carrying solid load of household duties, she carries more) and we've built a solid network of good friends. Solid stuff. No denying.

The dilemma is, and I knew this going into the marriage and believed I could do still do this, we never had great sex. We're pretty opposite sexually and always have been, but we've had lots of conversations and attempts and toys have been introduced and I've been patient and she's moved the needle on being more adventurous. Still, it's not really a satisfying sexual relationship. I've been fortunate in that I've had a number of girlfriends prior to marriage that shared my kinks and played hard and often but these relationships always crashed and burned. I can admit that I was still learning how to "do relationships" up until taking the plunge, and I'm still learning.

I feel like i can either choose to stay and continue to live with this important element in an unfulfilling state or I can choose to exit the relationship and try again. I've asked for an open relationship a couple of times and it's not an option. I also don't really want to cheat. I have taken advantage of being alone a couple of times and while it's good in the moment, it's not a good feeling for me overall. Part of me feels that if I chose to end the relationship in it's current form, it would be an incredibly selfish move. But I also feel like there are other women out there in which I could have a more satisfying relationship with in terms of sex being a little higher on the needs scale. I'm mid 40s now, not fooling myself with where I am in life but also feel like people can meet someone that makes them feel all the feels at any age.

Countless books and movies have had this character dilemma. It's not unusual. But do most people, "stick it out" because it's good enough so to speak? Am I dreaming of a fantasy that isn't real? Anyone have thoughts or willing to share how they handled being in this situation?

Thanks for sharing.

 

[Rj_Gallos]

To me, most relationships can’t tic all the boxes for both parties. The balance of what each person brings, what they are capable of doing, and shares, wanting to do with you, is the currency of relationships. If on balance, there are more of the positives, finding a solution for sexual fulfillment is possible. Sex is just one element and possibly not to most important.
Keep the discussions going and build on the shared bond and experiences.

I wish you well, no easy recommendations on this subject.

 

[FL30]

Everyone handles this differently.

There are a lot of people that will tell you that even though they're married, it's really just a roommate situation as they've stayed in a sexless marriage. This happens to a lot of couples for a lot of different reasons. Work, stress, kids, jobs, health reasons, lack of time, no more interest in sex, etc.

Very few couples are exactly compatible in anything, let alone their sex drives or what they like/don't like sexually.

It's always an individual choice as to whether you stick it out or decide that it's too great of a difference to stay together.

I know people that have done both, some with regrets and some that have been untimely satisfied with their choice.

 

[musicfan1976]

To me, most relationships can’t tic all the boxes for both parties. The balance of what each person brings, what they are capable of doing, and shares, wanting to do with you, is the currency of relationships. If on balance, there are more of the positives, finding a solution for sexual fulfillment is possible. Sex is just one element and possibly not to most important.
Keep the discussions going and build on the shared bond and experiences.

I wish you well, no easy recommendations on this subject.

Thanks RJ.

Definitely understand no easy recommendations, hence reaching out for the thoughts and reflections of others. Definitely appreciate your take.

 

[musicfan1976]

Everyone handles this differently.

There are a lot of people that will tell you that even though they're married, it's really just a roommate situation as they've stayed in a sexless marriage. This happens to a lot of couples for a lot of different reasons. Work, stress, kids, jobs, health reasons, lack of time, no more interest in sex, etc.

Very few couples are exactly compatible in anything, let alone their sex drives or what they like/don't like sexually.

It's always an individual choice as to whether you stick it out or decide that it's too great of a difference to stay together.

I know people that have done both, some with regrets and some that have been untimely satisfied with their choice.

But I don't want to make the individual choice. I want someone else to tell me how to do it. Haha

Totally aware that the "problem" with relationships is that they're with other people who have the audacity to be different.

Seriously though, thanks for your thoughts. I guess I wish I could get that data set on satisfaction vs regret. You're right about it being an individual choice. Hard choices can be incredibly scary.

 

[pink]

I've never married, I am soooo not any help

 

[TallMan69]

Some very good thoughts here. Complex issue. Sounds like as others have mentioned hard to be compatible on intimacy needs. You do seem to have a good relationship where you’re simpatico on just about everything else. And as men sex is a biggie so to be out of sync on this is a major impediment to a relationship feeling like it’s working. As mentioned it’s not the only thing nor the be all end all to the success of a relationship. But it’s hard not to feel that way the way men are wired. I remember hearing from a speaker that Men love SEX. Women LOVE sex. That is to say that men need sex to feel loved. And women need to feel loved to want sex. And that’s a pretty fundamental difference. That’s pretty simplistic at the same time. But it does seem to come in to play with women needing romance and security.

Sometimes there can be root problems and issues that can take sexual desire away. That can possibly be revealed if you guys would be open to couples counseling. It can be a helpful step to reclaim a closer bond.

Good luck.

 

[Lifestyle66]

It doesn't sound like your wife is opposed to sex, but just that she doesn't want the same different sexual positions/kinks/etc that you want.

My brother experienced a similar situation where, in his 40's, he divorced his wife looking for those "greener pastures" of a better sex partner. They waited until the last of their kids were out of the house to divorce. His wife very happily found she had more control over her choices of new sex partners, while he found it difficult to meet women he might find "experimenting" in the way he wanted. He became very jealous of her. After a few years, he settled on another woman who is very controlling and far less sexual than his first wife as his new (long term) partner, because he learned that at his age, that greener grass came at a high price he couldn't afford.

To put it simply, unless you can afford to fund some sugar-baby you can buy and train, any others you find socially will probably have other baggage you won't like. The lesson in this case: when you count your blessings and if sex is the only one coming up short, you may be better off appreciating what you do have.

Of course, if you count your blessings and come up very short finding any good ones, then it might be time for divorce.

 

[12oclocktales]

You sound as if you went into your marriage with eyes wide open, knowing there were sexual likes/dislikes with your wife. Whatever it was that kept you wanting to go down that marriage path with her regardless of the differences, that's what you need to focus on now. How much do those things matter now? If a lot, sacrifices might be in order. It sounds like she's really tried.

 

[musicfan1976]

It doesn't sound like your wife is opposed to sex, but just that she doesn't want the same different sexual positions/kinks/etc that you want.

My brother experienced a similar situation where, in his 40's, he divorced his wife looking for those "greener pastures" of a better sex partner. They waited until the last of their kids were out of the house to divorce. His wife very happily found she had more control over her choices of new sex partners, while he found it difficult to meet women he might find "experimenting" in the way he wanted. He became very jealous of her. After a few years, he settled on another woman who is very controlling and far less sexual than his first wife as his new (long term) partner, because he learned that at his age, that greener grass came at a high price he couldn't afford.

To put it simply, unless you can afford to fund some sugar-baby you can buy and train, any others you find socially will probably have other baggage you won't like. The lesson in this case: when you count your blessings and if sex is the only one coming up short, you may be better off appreciating what you do have.

Of course, if you count your blessings and come up very short finding any good ones, then it might be time for divorce.

No, not opposed to sex, but it just isn't important or something she thinks about. I've put in the work of relationships and love in this department. We've talked about it, I've found erotica podcasts, I've introduced toys and gone together and separately to get them. It always ends up the same way which is a fun encounter or two, but these things never come out again.

Now I do add other emotional dynamics to sex, not just the creative escape of this kind of thing but the kind of humor that I've shared with former partners, the thrills and flirtations. My wife and I never had a particularly thrilling relationship, but then again all my thrilling ones ended in highly emotional ways.

I definitely weigh the issue of counting your blessings against this. I appreciate the feedback and you sharing your brother's experience.

Thanks.

 

[Lifestyle66]

No, not opposed to sex, but it just isn't important or something she thinks about. I've put in the work of relationships and love in this department. We've talked about it, I've found erotica podcasts, I've introduced toys and gone together and separately to get them. It always ends up the same way which is a fun encounter or two, but these things never come out again.

Now I do add other emotional dynamics to sex, not just the creative escape of this kind of thing but the kind of humor that I've shared with former partners, the thrills and flirtations. My wife and I never had a particularly thrilling relationship, but then again all my thrilling ones ended in highly emotional ways.

I definitely weigh the issue of counting your blessings against this. I appreciate the feedback and you sharing your brother's experience.

Thanks.

It sounds like it's due to hormones!

As men and women get older, your bodies change. As a man, you'll eventually have similar problems with a lack of physical performance and waning desire to try. For a woman, it probably comes on in her 40's that her body is not producing the same hormone balance needed for a high sex drive. Some women even in their 20's and 30's don't have a high sex drive due to low testerone levels.

Testerone gives both men and women their sex drive, with a lower but still very important level needed even in women for that desire. It may be that your wife has never had the level needed for a high sex drive.

There are methods prescribed by doctors to increase a woman's sex drive. One of the easiest would be at a health spa, where (after a blood test to determine hormone levels) a doctor inserts slow-release hormone pellets under the skin of her butt, which last 10 to 12 weeks. It increases her energy, helps with better sleep, increases her lubrication, and increases her sex drive. Depending on other personal factors, her increased desire for sex could easily exceed your ability to keep up with her. (I know several women who use this type of procedure.)

But be careful what you wish for. When I say increased sex drive, there are times when two of the women I know who did this couldn't keep their hands off men around them during the peek of that 10-12-week period.

I was driving and giving one woman a ride home, when she talked about having her hormone pellets recently replenished. I asked how that affected her, and she said "I RREEAALLYY want to touch you!" and she reached for my pants zipper. "Ahh, are you sure you don't want to wait until you're home with your husband?"

And the other thing is those hormone levels might cause just such "thrilling" emotional times, when least expected.

 

[lifeis2short2b]

So it seems s like you have a good marriage. Your not sexually deprived and your wife is willing to try different things but not to your liking. You married her for a reason. Perhaps you should think of those reasons, Your not going to be 100% compatible with anyone, but it feels like your at about 99%.
If this 1% is such a big deal. Then let her go now. I'm sure she can find a guy that appreciates what she has to offer. You can go searching for that 1% that you crave thereby giving up much more. So yes I think you are selfish. The grass isn't greener.

 

[musicfan1976]

So it seems s like you have a good marriage. Your not sexually deprived and your wife is willing to try different things but not to your liking. You married her for a reason. Perhaps you should think of those reasons, Your not going to be 100% compatible with anyone, but it feels like your at about 99%.
If this 1% is such a big deal. Then let her go now. I'm sure she can find a guy that appreciates what she has to offer. You can go searching for that 1% that you crave thereby giving up much more. So yes I think you are selfish. The grass isn't greener.

Definitely have a good marriage, but what is the definition of deprived? I would say I am. We have sex maybe once a month or might have it more occasionally but can also go multiple months without it.

We have a very good partnership. No one is 100% on anything with a partner for sure. That said, I went forward with marriage thinking that sex should not be a top priority because so many people are in mismatched relationships. In hindsight, I can see a bit of a misjudgememt that was. I'm not saying sex is the absolute MOST important thing, but it was always going to be lacking. And for me, I derive a great deal of pleasure from the role playing and who you get to be in those moments. So, to me, it feels like a great internal loss. I get most people may not derive the same type of fulfillment from sexual exploration.

 

[musicfan1976]

It sounds like it's due to hormones!

As men and women get older, your bodies change. As a man, you'll eventually have similar problems with a lack of physical performance and waning desire to try. For a woman, it probably comes on in her 40's that her body is not producing the same hormone balance needed for a high sex drive. Some women even in their 20's and 30's don't have a high sex drive due to low testerone levels.

Testerone gives both men and women their sex drive, with a lower but still very important level needed even in women for that desire. It may be that your wife has never had the level needed for a high sex drive.

There are methods prescribed by doctors to increase a woman's sex drive. One of the easiest would be at a health spa, where (after a blood test to determine hormone levels) a doctor inserts slow-release hormone pellets under the skin of her butt, which last 10 to 12 weeks. It increases her energy, helps with better sleep, increases her lubrication, and increases her sex drive. Depending on other personal factors, her increased desire for sex could easily exceed your ability to keep up with her. (I know several women who use this type of procedure.)

But be careful what you wish for. When I say increased sex drive, there are times when two of the women I know who did this couldn't keep their hands off men around them during the peek of that 10-12-week period.

I was driving and giving one woman a ride home, when she talked about having her hormone pellets recently replenished. I asked how that affected her, and she said "I RREEAALLYY want to touch you!" and she reached for my pants zipper. "Ahh, are you sure you don't want to wait until you're home with your husband?"

And the other thing is those hormone levels might cause just such "thrilling" emotional times, when least expected.

That sounds wild! Yeah, I'm not 32, let alone 22 anymore. As much as I miss it being a near daily experience I don't think I'd carry that expectation mid-40s

 

[Lifestyle66]

That sounds wild! Yeah, I'm not 32, let alone 22 anymore. As much as I miss it being a near daily experience I don't think I'd carry that expectation mid-40s

I have, by most measures, a very good marriage. We're legit friends, ..

. I'm mid 40s now, not fooling myself with where I am in life but also feel like people can meet someone that makes them feel all the feels at any age.

So, which is it?

Are you not yet 32? Or are you mid-40's?

Giving any advice requires knowing your true maturity level.

If you're early 40's, then it's a mid-life crisis. Buy a sports car and get over it.

 

[butters]

there's nothing wrong with wanting a fulfilling sex life; having said that, you entered the relationship (both of you, i understand?) realising the differences in your personal kinks.

so now, after considerable time and effort on both your parts, your youth is waning and you want to recapture the excitement of your youth. Preferably with your wife. That's not happening, though.

it IS a case of counting your blessings: the trust and true friendship are HUGE. You may get better sex from a new partner, but soon find you miss everything else that made life worthwhile. Or it might work out great. It's a bit like looking for a new house... you might find the property you want but the view ain't great; the land might be wonderful but the neighbours? the house is beautiful, the gardens and fileds fab, but the plumbing? oy vey. And then again you might find the perfect place. You're not too old to build something new, and neither is your wife. Does she know about your infidelities? If she didn't and you told her, where's that trust? Perhaps, in the end, you'd both be better served with other partners and she may well have contemplated this herself. Financial considerations are also an important factor when considering your next move: it would be unfair to fuck up everything you both may have built by having to sell your house or messing up insurances etc....

No-one can TELL you what to do. That's a cop-out in a very very important decision. Have you brought this up with your wife? There's no point pressuring her to pretend to enjoy sexual acts that leave her cold or feeling nasty in a bad way. You have to accept the facts and decide if the compromises you have both made are worth sticking things out or whether the best move for you both is to free yourself to take that chance to be able to fully express who you are... but don't expect a whole lot of sympathy if you don't find it but she carries on and builds a new, more sexually satisfying relationship herself.



p.s, i'm 64, female, and met my husband here on the poetry forum 10 years ago; after I moved to another continent, we've been married for 6 years this April.

 

[musicfan1976]

So, which is it?

Are you not yet 32? Or are you mid-40's?

Giving any advice requires knowing your true maturity level.

If you're early 40's, then it's a mid-life crisis. Buy a sports car and get over it.

Sorry, if that didn't translate properly. It was a dry joke about not being young enough to handle the frequency you warned about compared to the reaction of some women on that treatment.

I'm mid 40s. Maybe It should have been written as I'm not 22 let alone 32. Moot point though. It was meant as a dry humorous response.

I'm definitely appreciating all the feedback. It's why I posted the question.

 

[musicfan1976]

there's nothing wrong with wanting a fulfilling sex life; having said that, you entered the relationship (both of you, i understand?) realising the differences in your personal kinks.

so now, after considerable time and effort on both your parts, your youth is waning and you want to recapture the excitement of your youth. Preferably with your wife. That's not happening, though.

it IS a case of counting your blessings: the trust and true friendship are HUGE. You may get better sex from a new partner, but soon find you miss everything else that made life worthwhile. Or it might work out great. It's a bit like looking for a new house... you might find the property you want but the view ain't great; the land might be wonderful but the neighbours? the house is beautiful, the gardens and fileds fab, but the plumbing? oy vey. And then again you might find the perfect place. You're not too old to build something new, and neither is your wife. Does she know about your infidelities? If she didn't and you told her, where's that trust? Perhaps, in the end, you'd both be better served with other partners and she may well have contemplated this herself. Financial considerations are also an important factor when considering your next move: it would be unfair to fuck up everything you both may have built by having to sell your house or messing up insurances etc....

No-one can TELL you what to do. That's a cop-out in a very very important decision. Have you brought this up with your wife? There's no point pressuring her to pretend to enjoy sexual acts that leave her cold or feeling nasty in a bad way. You have to accept the facts and decide if the compromises you have both made are worth sticking things out or whether the best move for you both is to free yourself to take that chance to be able to fully express who you are... but don't expect a whole lot of sympathy if you don't find it but she carries on and builds a new, more sexually satisfying relationship herself.



p.s, i'm 64, female, and met my husband here on the poetry forum 10 years ago; after I moved to another continent, we've been married for 6 years this April.

You nailed exactly what's running through my mind and how I am thinking about my internal conflict. I really appreciate the house analogy.

I don't feel a desire to recapture youth or a mid life crisis. This isn't a new issue. It's been a day 1 issue that I misjudged in how I would feel putting away into a box so to speak. She and I both know this is a big one for us to navigate. And I have gratitude for all the other elements of what makes a relationship work.

I don't really expect others to make this decision for me. It's not a light one by any stretch. But talking to others brings up analogies and dialog that really is helpful.

 

[patient1]

I don't have kids because I took too long finding the ideal woman. I'm just an observer. I do come from a big family that has seen some divorces. Sometimes the standard of living suffers for the kids caught between two households and two attorneys. Sometimes the kids suffer from a lack of attention and affection. But all too often they learn the wrong lessons. One of my cousins was beautiful, and the sweetest person I've ever met in my life, but she became anorexic / bulimic because her handsome dad left her mom for somebody younger. My aunt just wasn't the perfect pixie after two kids. The brother joined the Army, married for the wrong reasons, got divorced and left my aunt two boys to raise. I had another cousin who started drinking after his parents divorced and didn't quit until he became an alcoholic. His older sister is on her third marriage, his younger one has a therapist. I could go on, but I'd advise you to wait until your kids are grown so that they don't get the wrong idea about the pursuit of happiness, and you don't lose your moral authority about honoring responsibilities. An example about putting family first might serve you well in old age when you need help. But only you can decide if the rewards are worth the risks.

 

[Britva415]

But do most people, "stick it out" because it's good enough so to speak? Am I dreaming of a fantasy that isn't real?

How long have you been feeling this way?

A year? Five? Ten?

Multiply it by the rest of your life - will you regret in ten years not deciding now to seek someone more sexually compatible?

You say this is 1% of the whole - is that true, or is it more than 1%? If it was 1% for years, will it stay at 1% for the rest of them?

Here's something I'll observe. Yes, you and others have made the point that you've got this good thing going. HOWEVER:

This doesn't mean it's your last chance! Quite the opposite. People who have a track record of good, successful relationships and finding a good, compatible partner (which yours is in every way but this one, apparently) have better-than-average chances of succeeding again.

It's not like you're leaving a shitty relationship hoping the next one won't also be shitty. Lots of the people who are in shitty relationships brought something to it which was part of the shit, or, have something going on with themselves which makes them choose badly. Lots of these people will repeat history.

Well, so will the mature, with-it people with good instincts, great communication skills, and the wisdom to not suck something up forever.

Anyone have thoughts or willing to share how they handled being in this situation?

Hell, I feel like I'm talking myself out of "handling" it for much longer. My situation's very similar to how you make yours sound, except that the sexual incompatibility is much larger. We're working on it - where by "it" I mean discovering whether the severely inadequate sex will eventually do us in, despite everything else we have going for us, because it's not going to get better and after many years not really "getting" that fact, it's been extremely clear for a while now (less than a year).

 

[PMarky2]

Provided it happens, sex is not that big a deal in a relationship. Let's face it, half a loaf is better than no bread at all, and you have to deal with one another the other 23.5 hours a day. By the sound of things, you manage that well. Most couples have a certain amount of misalignment when it comes to sex. Once we had been married a couple of years my wife's idea of a healthy sex life was always cuddles, me go down on her, and then missionary position on a Wednesday afternoon. There was hardly any deviation from the routine other than that she would occasionally suck my dick, or opt for doggy style, but she'd be horrified if I suggested, or tried to initiate a quickie with her bent over the back of the sofa. I was bored out of my head in some respects, but I was happy because sex was happening, and believe me, no/very rare sex is a hell of a lot worse than boring sex. I'd settle for a boring Wednesday afternoon fuck any day over what I have now. Fruit of experience on that one I am afraid. Don't let boredom wreck what sounds like a pretty good marriage.

 

[Willywin]

Some couples are just meant for one another and their differences only serve to enhance their relationship, try being married to someone who not only supports a different football team but each others teams are arch rivals. I can say my wife's libido far exceeds mine and she has a penchant for most things sexual including the taking of many partners and lovers over the years. We have a great marriage that is loving, caring and thoughtful - if not excactly monogomous.

 

[Islander55]

Some couples are just meant for one another and their differences only serve to enhance their relationship, try being married to someone who not only supports a different football team but each others teams are arch rivals. I can say my wife's libido far exceeds mine and she has a penchant for most things sexual including the taking of many partners and lovers over the years. We have a great marriage that is loving, caring and thoughtful - if not excactly monogomous.

Monogamy is overrated and perhaps even harmful to a relationship. Just a little something different once in awhile can really perk a gal up.

 

[FL30]

here's to add to my previous post about some that stayed together and some that didn't.

I had one close friend that grew to absolutely hate his wife. He would do everything he could to stay away from her. (One of the reasons was because she became really, really overweight (that was just one of many reasons though)).

He had planned on divorcing her as soon as his kids graduated high school. Unfortunately, he died before they graduated. (He was only 48 - died of a heart attack at home - no one else was there to try to help save him.) This was a huge shock to all of his friends as he was an extremely healthy guy (or so we thought). No alcohol, in bed by 8pm every night, up at 5 am for workouts every day, no junk food, etc. He wasn't a muscle-bound guy, but he was as solid as a rock.

So that was one of the bad scenarios.

Had another friend that didn't want to be with anyone but his wife, she left him, and he still hasn't had any long-term relationships with anyone else since that time. He just can't seem to find anyone that he seems compatible with now.

He regrets not doing whatever he could have done to help resolve any issues that they had, but he still has no clue as to why his wife left him.

So, two scenarios for you to think about.

 

[Noor]

I have, by most measures, a very good marriage. We're legit friends, we support each other, we're open, have learned how to have hard conversations, agree on raising the kids, share the burdens (though, yes, even with me carrying solid load of household duties, she carries more) and we've built a solid network of good friends. Solid stuff. No denying.

The dilemma is, and I knew this going into the marriage and believed I could do still do this, we never had great sex. We're pretty opposite sexually and always have been, but we've had lots of conversations and attempts and toys have been introduced and I've been patient and she's moved the needle on being more adventurous. Still, it's not really a satisfying sexual relationship. I've been fortunate in that I've had a number of girlfriends prior to marriage that shared my kinks and played hard and often but these relationships always crashed and burned. I can admit that I was still learning how to "do relationships" up until taking the plunge, and I'm still learning.

I feel like i can either choose to stay and continue to live with this important element in an unfulfilling state or I can choose to exit the relationship and try again. I've asked for an open relationship a couple of times and it's not an option. I also don't really want to cheat. I have taken advantage of being alone a couple of times and while it's good in the moment, it's not a good feeling for me overall. Part of me feels that if I chose to end the relationship in it's current form, it would be an incredibly selfish move. But I also feel like there are other women out there in which I could have a more satisfying relationship with in terms of sex being a little higher on the needs scale. I'm mid 40s now, not fooling myself with where I am in life but also feel like people can meet someone that makes them feel all the feels at any age.

Countless books and movies have had this character dilemma. It's not unusual. But do most people, "stick it out" because it's good enough so to speak? Am I dreaming of a fantasy that isn't real? Anyone have thoughts or willing to share how they handled being in this situation?

Thanks for sharing.

I have found with a few exceptions that people I have mind blowing sex with are not usually good marriage material. I have had two exceptions, but life got in the way so I am not with them. One is dead so no hope, the other is not currently available. If he was I'd check him out.
The other thing is that as people age a good portion of them seem to lose interest in sex so just finding a 50 yr interested in sex that is more than utilitarian is hard.
I'm not sure I would do it, it sounds like the grass is greener. Also these days people have so much baggage. It sounds like you married someone good. Do you have a check list of adventuresome stuff? What can you make to the sex you do have better? Remember you are half of the equation.
I have also found if someone provides me with really good mind blowing vanilla sex, I am much more willing to consider their kinks as long as I come first. If someone tries to pressure me, I shut down. Somethings I will never do, but many I don't mind.