Marblehead Max

[laabaa]

This is such a cool story please read and feedback is welcome. Also how comes my own stories turn me more than athers?

 

[ladyphoenix]

Link, please?

How about putting a link to you story in your posting...might increase sales. Um. I mean, replies.

 

[damppanties]

the link...

here it is:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=53773

category: Fetish

laaba, I guess a brief description of the story should be provided. people don't really like to venture into the fetish category...

-DP.

 

[damppanties]

OK, feedback now.

I'm writing this as I read your story:

First paragraph:
"Tina had the tightest jeans imaginable on."
This doesn't sound right. Perhaps 'Tina was wearing...'?

Sandy from Grease was put in too bluntly. I guess I am not that accustomed to movies as the
average person, but still, tell us that its a movie and that Sandy is a character in the movie.
It took me a couple of minutes and a re-read to get there. Of course, if its just me...

"I felt a tingling sensation."
Where?

"I flung open the door and rest my head on the pillow."
rest should be rested and I guess walking over to the bed would be good.

"WELL, HELLO MAX."
Huh???!!!! Did i miss something somewhere? I am really confused now.

You really don't put in commas in places where they are necessary. Example:
"No matter what she wore her ankles would show."
would be better like: 'No matter what she wore, her ankles would show.
When I was reading this sentence in your story, I went right on till 'ankles' and then was confused. Had to read it again to get it.

"My libido has a name and it is called max."
Ok, finally.

I don't like the bold font and italics when the character's thoughts are pointed out. I guess you did it to show us the urgency of his thoughts. Words would be enough.

The paragraph starting "As I followed her in she introduced herself as Lisa..." came a little late. It would be better if you described the woman when you first saw her. Or actually, no
description is needed. I had already imagined her.

Ohhh, ok. Now I got it. The person in the bold font is Max!! Right? So, is it just me or someone else having trouble with understanding this?? Answer me please... I think my talent for reading erotica is dimming! lol

Alright. I finished it. And I loved it! Truly. Max was wonderfully created and done. The second half of the story was too good. You really need to work on the first half though. Don't want
people backing out of the story before they get there. There are a lot of grammatical errors even I could catch. I mean, I don't know much grammar but there were things in there which
didn't sound too right. Someone else would be able to advise you better on that.

So, one thing I touched upon was the beginning. I didn't like it.

Second thing. Do you have to have four female characters? 2 of them are not needed, except perhaps to show that Max is lusting after them. But that could also be done in a character sketch of Max through the eyes of the male character.

I liked the way Max really came out towards the end of the story and the way you described his psyche. That was too good. Keep writing and let us know when the continuation is posted.

-DP.

 

[the_bragis]

Hi Marblehead,

I love your name by the way. Now your story is another matter. The ideas are great, what a wonderful imagination you have! I just really had trouble getting into it. This is why:


Did I mention they were 20 and twins?

No, you didn't, but then it was only your second sentence.

the story was that Olivia Newton John.....

the story where Olivia Newton John...

I could just make out that she wore a small pair of black knickers and they were showing from above the elastic of her pants.

Kinky and nice! I liked it.

..dressed reservedly.

I could be wrong, it wouldn't be the first time, but I don't think there is an adverb for reserve. Try 'conservatively' instead.

she asked in her lilting English tone.

Tone or accent? Tone refers more to quality and pitch, is this what you meant to say?

See we were here form England.

I often type form for from, odd isn't it?

jumped into the pool and stayed under for a while.

I didn't understand this. In the previous paragraph you were in a motel room, at least I think you were, that's not really clear either.

As I emerged from the water I was greet by the sight of two black high heels staring at me.

Shoes come in pairs not twos, and I'm not sure that they stare, but it is your story not mine.

I looked up the creamy white legs, shot past the shortest skirt ever and looked into the eye of the young redhead stood in front of me.

I looked up the creamy white legs, shot past the shortest skirt ever, and looked into the eyes of the young redhead who stood infront of me. I think too since you were in the water, she would be standing over you not infront of you.

'Hi' was the formulaic response I gave.

'sorry but there is not such word as 'formulaic' You could use 'formulary' if you want to stick with a systematic term.

My dick was as hard as a lead pipe and it was getting harder.

This made me smile. It was good analogy.

'Good, that's great' I replied


I noticed though out your story dialog, you miss punctuation.
"Good, that's great," I replied. You will need to check 'i's that should be caps too.

'you can sleep with a light on, but never with a hard on'

Again that made me smile. I liked it!!

I turned around to see her, her green eyes were behind those closed eyelids and I could smell her from here.

It could be just me, but sentences like this one just didn't work for me. Green eyes behind eyelids.....where else would they be, and (conjuctive) her smell? The two just didn't seem to go together for me.

I'm sorry but about here, I just got too bogged down and I stopped reading. Maybe it was just me, I don't know, but it just got too hard to follow. I felt that you were really excited typing this. There's nothing wrong with that of course, but you need to carefully read though it later. A hour or ever a day later.

Your story seemed to jump from one idea and place to another. I had to keep scrolling back to check if I had missed something.

The story idea is certainly good. It's got something there for most readers, a fetish theme, a hint of incest, a touch of voyerism, and more. I don't doubt for a moment, it's a story many readers here would really enjoy, but it simply needs a good edit.

Oh and why do you own stories turn you on more than others? It's probably because you are writing about exactly what excites you.

I wish you much happy writing in the future.

Have a great day,

Alex (fem)

 

[Street0]

..dressed reservedly.

I could be wrong, it wouldn't be the first time, but I don't think there is an adverb for reserve. Try 'conservatively' instead.

Bah, there's nothing wrong with making up words on the fly. Your worditude skills can pump out awesome wordage.

 

[the_bragis]

Corrected

I appologise. I checked my trusty dictionary, which is what I should have done the first place, and yes there is such a word as 'reservedly'.

Bah, there's nothing wrong with making up words on the fly. Your worditude skills can pump out awesome wordage.

I also checked if there is such a word as 'fuckingwell', since that's a word I used in one of my stories a while back. According to the Collins Dictionary, there is no such word as 'fuckingwell'. That word however, stays.....~grinning~

Have a good day,

Alex (fem)

 

[NoJo]

Fuckingwell

Is that Felicity Fuckingwell, heir to the Fuckingwell millions?