Many-Eyed hydra's feedback thread

[manyeyedhydra]

I've had a few stories go up on Lit and the comments have mainly been positive but I'm always on the lookout for ways to improve my craft.

I've noticed a few authors have done it so following the tradition of shameless plagiarism I thought I'd start a feedback thread

I write in the erotic horror section and I like crashing arousal into terror/disgust/general creepiness and seeing what comes out of the wreckage. Be warned, it's probably not everyone's cup of tea.

I'm looking to see if I've picked up any glaringly obvious stylistic bad habits and also any suggestions for improving the content.

I'm particularly interested in a female perspective. I suspect there's not much in the stories for a female reader at the moment and I'd love any suggestions as to how I could broaden the appeal to both sexes.

Feel free to lay into the stories with any constructive criticism you might have (or alternatively tell me to quit bugging you and get lost ).

Last one posted was 'Bubble Bath":
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=342952

I think it's weaker than my other stories, but I haven't worked out why yet.

Thanks

 

[Singularity]

Bubble Bath

I read this one, and thought it was very well-written. Afterwards, when I clicked on your profile to see what else you've written, I saw that you're the author of 'Wrapdance,' too. I had read that one earlier and thought it, too, was excellently done.

I like how you used the bubble bath to create your succubus. I was expecting something to happen to poor Mr. Bentley, but I still liked how you did it.

The only bit of jarring prose was here, where you inadvertently used the same phrase twice, and in the same sentence.

"Uh, just browsing," he said. He realised he was staring into the chasm of her cleavage again and she could see he was staring into the chasm of her cleavage again and hurriedly looked away.

I also think that the shopkeeper's insertion of the 'before the massage' comment needs a response of some kind, from Bentley. Perhaps something that leads him to think that the girl in the shop does tantra massages, or something like that, for her favorite customers. I don't think he would simply not say or think anything at all about that comment.

Other than that, very well written and a 'gripping' read (yes, pun intended).


S.

 

[Varian P]

Since I lived in Moscow for a year and sort of blearily remember one strip bar, I couldn't resist "Wrapdance." And even if they were talking about guys rather than girls, this line had me fondly remembering my British flatmates:

"We can always fuck off if the girls are minging."

Then the four of them -- Laws, Clark, Morris and Jones -- had headed off on a wild vodka-fuelled goose chase through Moscow in search of a club Clark's crazy Russian friend had recommended. The first taxi-driver had dropped them off at a different club -- presumably one that gave him a commission -- that was even worse than the last place. The second couldn't understand English and had driven them round in circles for a while. The third had finally got them to the right place and predictably it had been shut.

There. I think you just described every weekend, my year in Russia.

Anyway, on to the actual story critique...

The hotel was a concrete monstrosity with a view of Saint Basil's Cathedral they'd dubbed the Borg cube.

Lines like that are just choice; they do such a lovely job of conveying both character and setting.

This tripped me up a bit:

Subtle, it wasn't.

And then, a few paragraphs later:

Subtle, it most definitely wasn't.

I gather the second thought is meant to build on the first, but it didn't quite work for me--maybe they're just too far apart in the text. It gave me the impression the author had accidentally repeated himself.

This line didn't quite work, either:

A hidden smoke machine pumped dry ice, tinged red by the lights, across the floor.

The machine isn't really pumping dry ice, but the vapor, right? It's just slightly imprecise, but creates a confusing image.

Another lovely line: Through the clouds of perfumed lust saturating his brain...

And this is deliciously creepy: His mind disconnected completely and he had the disorientated feeling of swimming adrift in his own body. His flesh surrounded him, but it felt like a cast off skin...

Overall it's an entertaining story; there's great atmosphere, and the sexual descriptions build to a conclusion simultaneously arousing and horrific. There's a bit of a morality tale in there, too: the men we see die consider themselves to be cheating on their wives, and clearly "know" they are doing something "wrong," so that element adds a level of depth that wouldn't be there, otherwise.

The story feels a tad light, though. I never get enough into Laws' character to care that much whether he dies, or to empathize with him as he fall victim to the succubus. So, I take everything in a bit coolly, sort of appreciating the world you've crafted on a cerebral level, rather than feeling fully pulled in on an emotional level where I feel apprehension, fear and real horror. Maybe if there were some little details strewn through where he thinks fondly of his wife and his children, so we start to see him as more than some dude sowing his oats while he's "on tour," his fate would have a deeper, darker impact.

Of course, that may not be what you're after, anyway. Personally, though, it would have made the story a bit more rewarding.

I hope some of that's of help.

-Varian

 

[manyeyedhydra]

Thanks for the feedback.

It's interesting you both raised points about repeated phrases. They were deliberate on my part to try and reinforce a point. It sounds like it didn't work and is possibly one of those bad habits I need to get shot of.

I never get enough into Laws' character to care that much whether he dies, or to empathize with him as he fall victim to the succubus. So, I take everything in a bit coolly, sort of appreciating the world you've crafted on a cerebral level, rather than feeling fully pulled in on an emotional level where I feel apprehension, fear and real horror. Maybe if there were some little details strewn through where he thinks fondly of his wife and his children, so we start to see him as more than some dude sowing his oats while he's "on tour," his fate would have a deeper, darker impact.

I think this is one of the hardest things to get right in any horror-type tale. I maybe should have humanised him a little more in the earlier part of the story. Would it have worked better if I'd included lines about him looking forward to getting back to his wife and kids around the part of the story he's thinking that they should go back to the hotel rather than stay out?

That might strengthen the morality aspect of the story when the characters fail to resist temptation and actually cross the line from 'just looking' to actual cheating.

 

[Varian P]

I never get enough into Laws' character to care that much whether he dies, or to empathize with him as he fall victim to the succubus. So, I take everything in a bit coolly, sort of appreciating the world you've crafted on a cerebral level, rather than feeling fully pulled in on an emotional level where I feel apprehension, fear and real horror. Maybe if there were some little details strewn through where he thinks fondly of his wife and his children, so we start to see him as more than some dude sowing his oats while he's "on tour," his fate would have a deeper, darker impact.

I think this is one of the hardest things to get right in any horror-type tale. I maybe should have humanised him a little more in the earlier part of the story. Would it have worked better if I'd included lines about him looking forward to getting back to his wife and kids around the part of the story he's thinking that they should go back to the hotel rather than stay out?

That might strengthen the morality aspect of the story when the characters fail to resist temptation and actually cross the line from 'just looking' to actual cheating.

I think that would work quite well.

You could also throw in a cute text message (since he probably wouldn't answer a phone call at that moment) from wife or kid coming in on his cell while he's in the club, have that take the edge off his arousal, then have the redhead work to get him back in the zone--show a bit more of an internal struggle/juxtaposition of what's at home for him versus what's in the club.

 

[manyeyedhydra]

New story gone up:

Succubus summoning 101
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=344333

I wanted to write something a little more light-hearted about a couple of stoners summoning up succubi for some fun.

Votes have been lower for this one so I don't know whether the subject matter was too silly, the punishment on the stoners a little too harsh or just because I've picked up a couple of trolls who randomly 1-bomb anything I write at the moment (those nice H's have become a little scarcer since "Wrapdance" got an E sadly).