manners

[cymbidia]

Good everyday manners seem to be sometimes lacking among all ages and types of people, have you noticed?

I've taught my kids good manners but i fear they're almost alone among their friends in the day-to-day use of such. For instance, my kids have and use cloth napkins, on their laps, at every meal (even my little guy uses them appropriately and regularly - or gets gentle, persistent reminders to do so). When there are extra kids over at our house for meals, a not-uncommon occurrence given that the big girl lives for her social life, i often watch her friends pull napkins onto their laps belatedly, after i’ve issued a reminder to my little boy, for example.

Thank you notes are another area of fading importance to many people. I was taught that if you don't do them, the present getting ceases. I've taught that to my kids. They write thank you notes, even the little guy who can barely write his name but who knows what they should contain when he dictates the notes to me. I can't tell you how many birthday parties my kids have attended over the years where there were never any thank-you notes issued a week later, or presents given at Christmas that were never acknowledged. Shockingly (to me), even my daughter's favorite teacher neglected a thank you note for the very special gift given to her at the end of the school year (last week).

Am i alone in wondering what's happened to the manners that make life a little more gracious, a little more pleasant, for all concerned? Will my kids be the very last ones in the world to write thank you notes as a matter of course, and use napkins on their laps, always, when they eat?

Are everyday manners important at all anymore?

 

[Ksss]

cymbidia,
You are not alone. I too taught my children the importance of saying please, thank you, excuse me. Proper table etiquette. Writing thank yous for gifts.

My grandson is now being taught the same rules of manners. An example, yesterday we took my grandson to the zoo. It was rather crowded as they do alot of summer day camps there. A group came through and literally knocked my grandson off the path as they hiked down the path to the next exhibit. The last person to go by was one of the adult counselors, my grandson looked at her and said " 'cuse me" as she passed. He is only two and it wasn't his place to be the one begging to be excused, in my opinion, but the counselor looked at him and told him to watch where he was going. HRRRRRMMMMMPPPPHHHH.

After looking at all of the exhibits we took him into the gift shop. We got one of the nicest compliments from the girl who was working in there. Upon entering my grandson looked at her and smiled and said "hello, I'm Matthew". We looked around for a bit. On the way out, the girl looks at him and says "Bye Matthew was nice to meet you". And she thanked us also for she couldn't believe how well behaved he was and how polite. Made us very proud of him!

cymbidia, keep enforcing the good manners. Your child will make you proud and perhaps teach someone else that manners are important.

 

[unusuallyconfused]

I believe manners separates the civilized from the just plain uncivilized. Of course I do like to eat with my fingers, lol.

I believe manners encompasses respect for others which I find many times lacking in our society today.

But I am not feeling overly enthusiastic today, so I am pretty much negative on everything........

 

[CW]

Seems that manners, in any way, shape, or form are sorely lacking by the majority of people that you meet.

I think that manners ( and politeness in general ) are now one of the casualities of our hurry up society. It's just one more thing that we simply do not have the time for any longer.

I have made an attempt to teach the kids in my life manners as often as possible. One of the things that is insisted upon here is the use of 'sir and 'mam' as well as 'please' and 'thank you'. Unless you are talking to a sibling or peer, I had best not hear yeah or un-hu come from your mouth.

Dinner manners are a big thing with me. Napkins, be it cloth or paper WILL be used with every meal or snack. If you insist upon chewing your food with your mouth open or chomping like a pig, then you can take yourself away from the table. Once a month or so, we will have a dinner that is served as if we were in a fancy resturant with muliple utensils and plates/bowls. Just so the kids will be comfortable with that setting and know what is expected of them.

The kids are not prissy about it. Nor are they so structured that they are missing out on being kids. They ARE learning though that there is a time and place to be polite and to use their manners.

One of the biggest kicks is to be dining out and watch the wait staff deal with the kids. More often than not the staff is bowled over when the 5 year old says thank you sir/mam in a loud enough voice to be heard and not confused with mumbling.

Tell me that I am old fashioned. I'll agree with ya in heart beat. But, really, what's so wrong with that ?

 

[SpectreT]

Manners, IMO, are a function of Responsibility and Respect, two qualities that have fallen by the wayside in this nation. I have my opinions about how this came to be, but this isn't the thread for that discussion.

I work in retail, and there are a few areas where I get to see this lack of respect and lack of responsibility quite frequently.

Telephone etiquette is at an all time low, and not just among the customers.

The amount of time we employees spend re-shelving books, re-alphabetizing sections, "flushing" books (that's pulling them to the edge of the shelf, for those who don't know), and cleaning up at closing time is positively appalling.

And don't get me started on the condition of public restrooms. People seem to think the cleanliness of a restroom is the sole responsibility of the staff of whatever establishment they're in, and they're free to make whatever nauseating mess they like, then feel free to complain loudly about it, as if we, the staff and management in the store, had a personal hand in befouling the place simply to inconvenience them.

A little respect, and a little responsibility, all go a long way in combating this sort of abuse.

And that's just the stuff that affects me, personally, on a daily basis. Nevermind the crowning injustices that go on in the name of "protecting" everyone from the stupidity of the lowest common denominator, or any of a half-dozen other rants I could get into here, just in the name of manners and its cohorts, responsibility and respect.

 

[Shylady]

I have taught my kids manners thier whole life. One of my favorite compliments came from a little lady in a restaurant.

We were on vacation and we went in a restaurant and there weren't many kids in there. As this little lady was leaving she stopped by our table and told us that our kids were so well behaved and polite that she was impressed with our family. It made us feel good, because the kids were tired and hungry and we thought they were acting up.

 

[CW]

because the kids were tired and hungry and we thought they were acting up.

Everything is relative. I'm thinking that your kids were much better behaved than the majority of what the lady had seen.


It is a kick to get compliments from total strangers on how well behaved your kids are.

 

[Ksss]

I work in a restaurant, and many times I am appalled at how some parents allow their children to behave. Granted it is a small place, but they allow their children to throw things on the floor, run around like they are at a play ground, yell, etc. Then they get upset if you ask the children to sit down or to stop throwing things.

Wr have had to install video cameras on our site as we were getting hit with lots of accidents, many of which could have been prevented if the parents would have watched their children.

It makes me wonder if these same people allow their children to throw food on their floors, leaving it there for someone else to clean up. Personally, I would be embarrassed, especially if it was a place I went to often.

I do understand that at times a child is cranky, but don't ignore them thinking they will quiet down. Pay attention to them. Other customers are out to have a nice time also.

I could go on and on, but I won't

 

[Desert Amazon]

 

[bluntforcemama]

cym, you are not alone. I find it rather shocking that many people, especially people of my age group have no concept of manners! It's not just about napkins and silverware anymore, though. It's come down to common courtesy. There are several young people who live in my neighborhood, and also several eldery couples. The young people have to respect for what hour of the night it is, and so they honk their horn and yell in the streets. They never throw anything into the dumster, they just leave it outside on the ground, where the garbage personel is not required to fetch it. They never say 'hello' as they walk past, they throw their cigarette butts everywhere, and keep their homes and yards in a constant state of chaos... so much so that my cat got trapped in one of their messes. So, cym, thank you for being thoughtful and teaching your children the manners that will form a basis of how they should behave. I hope to do the same for my own little tikes (when I have them, of course).

 

[willywanker]

I received an e-mail recently that I posted and will put that link here.

http://www.literotica.com/forum/showthread.php?s=&threadid=35079&highlight=Death

It is written in the form of an obituary for the Death of Common Sense. Along with manners, and some other things listed on that thread, we seem to have lost our way as a nation.

My parents believed strongly in manners and I still remember a whipping I received as a 7 year old child. We were at church and my father heard me address a 65 year old man by his first name. When we got home and he told me what I was about to recieve a whipping for, I tried to explain that the man had told be to call him "Bill". My father explained in words a 7 year old understood then and a 43 year old understands now that the mans wishes not standing, you ALWAYS show respect for your elders. It would have been permissible since he had given me permission to use his first name to have called him "Mr. Bill" instead of Mr. Smith but it was not ok to call him by his first name alone. With the explaination made, I recieved my spanking and the lesson was learned, never to be forgotten.

I understand what some of you have said so well about children in public. It drives me nuts to see children disrespect their parents and elders and nothing is said or done. What kind of life lesson does that teach a child? I'm the most important and everyone needs to understand that? Yeah, try that on your way up the corprate ladder.

 

[CelticsHeart]

Moments of Truth

I`m a great believer in things called moments Moments of Truth.

These are the little things that make each and every experience special/or shitty.

I remember times when someone took a moment to show respect for me, or go out of their way to help with special fondness.

It happens throughout every day we live. The waiter that takes special care of you and asks if you enjoyed your meal in a genuine way - not just `cos it`s on the script. The little boy who gets up to let you sit down on a busy train, not just good manners but more.

I teach my son that he will be judged not only by what he does but by the manner in which he conducts himself. Please/thank you and other small phrases he uses are second nature to him, but they could just be someone elses Moment of Truth.

Heart xxx

 

[Mensa]

Monkey see, monkey do

Teaching children good manners is becoming increasingly important because how else are they going to learn proper etiquette? They will learn precious little from their elders these days. Not only do they consistently exhibit bad manners but they demonstrate weak minds as well.
I was taught that cursing in public was a sign of a weak mind. If you can't duel intellectually, you resort to foulness. How many people today consistently and unconciously use profanity as an everyday language. What they don't seem to realize is that it inures everyone around them , so when they want to resort to it to emphasize a point, it has no more effectiveness. People have heard it too much!
I find the best way these days to win an argument is with politeness. The angrier and more profane your opponent becomes, the politer you become. It's very frustrating to counterract. Soon everyone is looking at him as if her were the south end of a horse and he knows he's lost.
And don't get me started on rude behaviour shown by so-called "responsible" adults!!

 

[samadhi]

I'll echo the sentiments expressed already in the importance of manners and common courtesy. I work at a university, and am daily appalled at the lack of both. About a year ago, I injured my ankle and was on crutches for several months. I was amazed at how many times doors were allowed to close in my face, or I was pushed past on the stairs.

Recently, my sister married a man with three children. As our family was raised with, what we consider to be proper manners, she was shocked at the way his children were permitted to behave. Routinely they would answer the phone and say 'Who's this?' instead of asking politely, they would snatch gifts/offerings from people without so much as a backward glance, and table manners were atrocious! (The 13-year-old would shred his food with his FINGERS rather than use a knife!!) Her husband uses proper behavior; he just never bothered to instill the same values in his children. Needless to say, my sister is working very hard to mend manners whenever she can. It is difficult however, because her new husband finds her efforts to be 'cute' or funny, and continually makes light when she attempts to correct the children.

I believe that the issues of manners really boil down to concern for others. If you genuinely don't care what others think of you or your family then you will have no desire to behave in a socially proper way. I think the degeneration of manners and common courtesy is just another byproduct of selfishness and haste. I think it’s awesome that you all are teaching your children properly. I work hard to do so with my nieces and nephews, and plan do continue when I have my own children

 

[beckbabe]

I am having some experience with this now as well. My neighborhood is like a playground, each and every house seems to have a minimum 2.5 children (even mine). There is a "gang" of about 15 kids that hang out by the entrance to the community. They circle the cars, and won't move until each car honks. They scream "honk your horn". I don't see how their parents could not notice this. This behavior is beyond bad manners.

These are affluent kids, with supposedly educated parents, so what is it like other places? Are they the future date rapists in Camaros that they got on graduation? Where do you go? The country?

 

[cymbidia]

Perhaps it's time for this discussion again, what with our questioning of civility levels here of late and our all being sorta frazzled with everylife concerns in mid-December.

 

[SimplySouthern]

Manners? Ask most of today's youth and I'm sure their definition would be quite different than yours.

I, also, was raised writing thank you notes. That's a thing of the past now it seems. I'm not talking about children, though. I'm talking about grown adults who should know better!

I am raising my 2 sons to know what is acceptable behavior and what is totally unacceptable. General manners (please, thank you, Ma'am and Sir) have been instilled in them both since birth. The finer niceties are being worked on as age appropriates.

If you ever think your children are horrible, go volunteer some time at a local school. That's where you really see manners, or the lack thereof, in action.

My son's school has a teacher appreciation day every year. On this day, they set up special tables in one part of the school and the teachers get a WHOLE hour to sit and eat a specially catered lunch without small children flitting about. I volunteered to go and assist my son's classroom with lunch that day. Myself and 2 other mothers lead the class to the lunchroom and into the lunch line. I have never seen such pushing, shoving and screaming about who was to be first in line. That dilema averted, we moved on to the task of seating everyone and making sure each child has his/her milk opened. I must say that I was simply appalled at the table manners (or lack of I should say). One child was literally COVERED in food by the end of the meal. He used no utensil that I could see. It seems he was a big fan of the "shoveling" method. After a relatively uneventful trip to the playground, we took the children back to their classroom where I had suckers waiting for each child. Out of 30-odd children, I received less than 5 thank yous.

Shocked? I sure was. I can say that it taught me how well behaved my children actually are.

 

[JazzManJim]

I find is kiind of funny that nowadays, using common manners in person-to-person interactions are met with pleasant surprise.

I'm talking about thins like looking someone in the eye,smiling, saying Hello. Things like saying "Please" and "Thank You" and "Excuse Me". Things like opening a door for someone, or helping someone out with a heavy package or letting someone into traffic.

We used to do these little things all the time, and not, it's not often seen. I've noticed, though, that more and more, these little things are coming back in the past three months. I couldn't tell you why, but the little courtesies are starting to make a comeback. It may not be a large one, but it's there.

Then again, having been shopping a few times, I can also say that there's a large number of people who just don't care how boorish they appear. It's like they're directly rude, but they do things like clog the aisle, have loud boisterous conversations, hold up your line while sending one of their kids back for something else to buy, or just by being overall rude.

Kids today (and wow do I sound like an old man saying this) seems to have a complete absence of these manners and I alway slove it when I see them in action. That's completely rare, though.

 

[Wiggles]

.

 

[JazzManJim]

I"ll tell you the one that truly astounds people.

I stand when a woman enters the room, unless it's a large party or I'm at work (practicality has to come into play).

I also stand when I'm sitting at a table, say for dinner, and a woman comes to the table. I don't sit until all the women have been seated. I'll help the nearest unescorted lady with her seat.

Oh yes, and I help with coats too - putting them on or taking them off.

You'd be surprised how many folks this completely shocks.

 

[daughter]

I believe

cymbidia--

I am glad I am reading more in this forum. I really enjoy being privvy to your thoughts.

While we don't use cloth napkins at home, I worked several years in upscale restaurants and so my oldest not only has table manners I'm proud of, she appreciates servers. It bothers me how some people treat those in service positions. I think less of the snob who is rude to the waitress not the other way around.

I was raised to call every adult aunt or uncle or Ms. or Mr. I have peers now who reject these titles. That is disconcerting to me. I am appalled when I hear children cursing in front of their parents or any other elder. That is reprehensible in my way of thinking. I cannot get my mind around children calling their parents by their first names.

I can't understand parents yelling at teachers or any other authority figure in front of their children. Even if the adult is wrong, I don't want my children thinking it is acceptable to disrespect adults. That one floors me.

I don't understand why people fail to say "excuse me" or "pardon me" when they need to pass between or in front of you.

I say "thank you" whether a recipient is expecting it or not. I teach my children the same.

When someone addresses me or acknowleges me such in written corresponds on these forums. I respond. I think it's rude not to.

When I'm a guest in someone's home or a similiar gathering, I hang out to clean up. It's how I was raised. My children are instructed to do the same. In short, I believe you should always offer to help if the opportunity to do so exists.

You might be in the minority, Cymbidia. Still there has to be some joy in knowing that you are perpetuating what is good and right in our relations. Folks will appreciate that you have raised children who will enchance the encounters of those who have the good fortune of knowing them.

I applaud your efforts.

Peace,

daughter