Making sense of things....

[shescurious]

This is my dilemma...

I am a single woman. I long to find the love of my life and I am sure someday I will. My problem is in the mean time I still have healthy adult needs. So I fuck who I want and I refuse to aplolgize for it. I am safe and discreet but quite frankly I live in a small town.

So I ask, by sleeping with these men (and there aren't many) am I giving them something possibly they don't deserve? Am I letting them use me? Am I using them? Am I selling myself short? Should I be holding out for relationships as opposed to one night stands?

How do you balance fufilling your sexual needs and looking for "the one"?

Yes, I am having a moment and I would appreciate your thoughts.

Thanks,

Shescurious

 

[Blindinthedark]

Tough question.

I'd say look to yourself. Are you ok with the current situation? Afterall that's the most important thing. As long as you're ok with it I don't see a problem at all. And who's to say that one of these short term guys won't turn into a long term guy.

Fuck buddies are ok as long as they know where they stand. Don't be leading them on but get what you want out of the relationship.

IMHO

Good luck and if you're ever up in Canada look me up

BD

 

[watergirl]

hi, shescurious

I'm single, since last may... my sweetie of almost 5 years split up with me... in the past year, I too, have been seeing and having sex with who I please, when I want, without apology...

and now, I've met a fabulous guy, and things are going slowly, and well... and while I'm not regretting my summer and autumn flings, I am wondering what I would tell him about them, if he asked, and how to explain my choices. Not justify, because I don't regret them and don't think I have to defend them.

but, I too, wonder if the guys I was with, thought they were getting the upper hand, or using me in some way - I like to get as good as I give, and I usually do... but it is a worriesome thing, to doubt yourself... I know how that feels.

I don't live in a small town, but I do freelance in a fairly chatty field (theater)... and I'm curious as to what my current interest is hearing about me. I'm hearing interesting things about him, which I find puzzling, but am simply filing away for further consideration. i tried dating outside of my work for the past year, and that was nice - no gossip except what I disclosed - but not the same connection and understanding I get, about unpredictable work calls and such..

good luck, don't doubt yourself, and live like you mean it. I'm sure you're doing just what you should for yourself - don't let fear hold you back.

 

[Noor]

This is my dilemma...

I am a single woman. I long to find the love of my life and I am sure someday I will. My problem is in the mean time I still have healthy adult needs. So I fuck who I want and I refuse to aplolgize for it. I am safe and discreet but quite frankly I live in a small town.

So I ask, by sleeping with these men (and there aren't many) am I giving them something possibly they don't deserve? Am I letting them use me? Am I using them? Am I selling myself short? Should I be holding out for relationships as opposed to one night stands?

How do you balance fufilling your sexual needs and looking for "the one"?

Yes, I am having a moment and I would appreciate your thoughts.

Thanks,

Shescurious

okay, use them and lose is fine unless they are men you might want to keep around. Those guys, you should go slowly with.

It sounds like you need a fuck buddy to keep you occupied until you find the right one, something better than a one night stand. One night stands are a bit limited, sex get better over time even with fuck buddies and there isn't enough time in one night to get to everything.

You can always self satisfy, do phone or cyber too. Tell everyone you are looking, even your one night stands, who know they may know the perfect man for you.
I live in a city and I don't limit my relationships to the area where I live, I figure I am lucky we are on the same continent, let alone the same time zone.

 

[SexyChele]

I would ask why you are questioning. I don't mean that in a bad way - some days we just have, well, one of those days!

If you feel comfortable with what you are doing, then go for it. Are you being used? I don't know - do you feel you are? Are you using others - again, same question. Is this limiting your chances of finding "the one". Possibly. But then, maybe not.

I did the one night stand thing, and I grew to detest it. I did feel I was being used. But I know other women who can deal with and prefer it. It's a personal choice thing.

Sorry, I don't have an answer for you, but I wish you all the best!

 

[Autoguy]

This is my dilemma...

I am a single woman. I long to find the love of my life and I am sure someday I will. My problem is in the mean time I still have healthy adult needs. So I fuck who I want and I refuse to aplolgize for it. I am safe and discreet but quite frankly I live in a small town.

So I ask, by sleeping with these men (and there aren't many) am I giving them something possibly they don't deserve? Am I letting them use me? Am I using them? Am I selling myself short? Should I be holding out for relationships as opposed to one night stands?

How do you balance fufilling your sexual needs and looking for "the one"?

Yes, I am having a moment and I would appreciate your thoughts.

Thanks,

Shescurious

What small town? if you let me know i'll be over straight away. But seriously, keep on doing what your doing , i don't see anybody getting hurt, just don't bullshit them and all should be well.

 

[psyche]

liberation

Keep in mind that women have sexual needs and that satisifying those needs is important. The idea that men are using women, or that women are using men is really a state of mind. If you are happy in satisfying your sexual needs that means that someone else is not using you. You have made an adult decision to have sex, and to enjoy that experience with a partner. You are not using them and they are not using you. It is a mutual decision to enjoy the physical pleasure of sex with each other. Women will achieve sexual equality when they decide that they are not the innocent victims of sex to be used by men.

You are not selling yourself short. Enjoy your sexual experiences, learn from them and wait for the person that you want to spend the rest of your life with. You will know much more about yourself and the person that you want to be with.

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

You are questioning your behavior, but you are also in a 'mood'...I would be concerned if the mood left you, and the questions remained.

 

[Lust Engine]

Re: liberation

Keep in mind that women have sexual needs and that satisifying those needs is important. The idea that men are using women, or that women are using men is really a state of mind. If you are happy in satisfying your sexual needs that means that someone else is not using you. You have made an adult decision to have sex, and to enjoy that experience with a partner. You are not using them and they are not using you. It is a mutual decision to enjoy the physical pleasure of sex with each other. Women will achieve sexual equality when they decide that they are not the innocent victims of sex to be used by men.

You are not selling yourself short. Enjoy your sexual experiences, learn from them and wait for the person that you want to spend the rest of your life with. You will know much more about yourself and the person that you want to be with.

I think psyche hit it on the head when it comes to the term being "used". It's how you feel afterwards... which person do you feel like? Ideally I think it should be neither. I guess my connotation of the word "use" has a negative feel to it; as if someone gains an advantage somehow. Ideally the sex should be great for both parties involved. It should be mutually rewarding without a sense of regret. If you and your partners, whether they be few or many, feel mutually pleased... I don't see anything wrong with it. You folks are adults and should be able to make responsible decisions. I'm sure you know the consequences (STD, pregnancy, the possible emotional fallout, etc..) and will act accordingly.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

 

[shescurious]

Tough question.

I'd say look to yourself. Are you ok with the current situation? Afterall that's the most important thing. As long as you're ok with it I don't see a problem at all. And who's to say that one of these short term guys won't turn into a long term guy.

Fuck buddies are ok as long as they know where they stand. Don't be leading them on but get what you want out of the relationship.

IMHO

Good luck and if you're ever up in Canada look me up

BD

Am I ok with my current situation? I don't know I will have to ponder that one..

Thanks

 

[shescurious]

hi, shescurious

good luck, don't doubt yourself, and live like you mean it. I'm sure you're doing just what you should for yourself - don't let fear hold you back.

You hit the nail on the head there...fear does hold me back from many things....

Note to me: Work on that

Thanks

 

[shescurious]

Re: Re: Making sense of things....

okay, use them and lose is fine unless they are men you might want to keep around. Those guys, you should go slowly with.

It sounds like you need a fuck buddy to keep you occupied until you find the right one, something better than a one night stand. One night stands are a bit limited, sex get better over time even with fuck buddies and there isn't enough time in one night to get to everything.

You can always self satisfy, do phone or cyber too. Tell everyone you are looking, even your one night stands, who know they may know the perfect man for you.
I live in a city and I don't limit my relationships to the area where I live, I figure I am lucky we are on the same continent, let alone the same time zone.

So how do you determine which ones you may want to keep around? I never could figure that one out.

Fuck buddies are great the problem I have with them is I can't keep them around too long or I end up falling in love when I know I shouldn't. So if I do have a fuck buddy it can't be long term..lol

Thanks

 

[shescurious]

I would ask why you are questioning. I don't mean that in a bad way - some days we just have, well, one of those days!

If you feel comfortable with what you are doing, then go for it. Are you being used? I don't know - do you feel you are? Are you using others - again, same question. Is this limiting your chances of finding "the one". Possibly. But then, maybe not.

I did the one night stand thing, and I grew to detest it. I did feel I was being used. But I know other women who can deal with and prefer it. It's a personal choice thing.

Sorry, I don't have an answer for you, but I wish you all the best!

Thank you.

 

[shescurious]

Re: liberation

Keep in mind that women have sexual needs and that satisifying those needs is important. The idea that men are using women, or that women are using men is really a state of mind. If you are happy in satisfying your sexual needs that means that someone else is not using you. You have made an adult decision to have sex, and to enjoy that experience with a partner. You are not using them and they are not using you. It is a mutual decision to enjoy the physical pleasure of sex with each other. Women will achieve sexual equality when they decide that they are not the innocent victims of sex to be used by men.

You are not selling yourself short. Enjoy your sexual experiences, learn from them and wait for the person that you want to spend the rest of your life with. You will know much more about yourself and the person that you want to be with.

Very wise words...

I have felt the same way for a long time. I guess the questions about being used come from my friends, who cannot understand my lifestyle or this way of thinking, constantly raising those questions to me. I thought that because I was the only one with those views perhaps they were a bit warped. Now I know better.

Thank you.

 

[shescurious]

You are questioning your behavior, but you are also in a 'mood'...I would be concerned if the mood left you, and the questions remained.

The questions remain and were there before the mood. The mood just enabled me to actually voice it.

 

[shescurious]

Re: Re: liberation

I think psyche hit it on the head when it comes to the term being "used". It's how you feel afterwards... which person do you feel like? Ideally I think it should be neither. I guess my connotation of the word "use" has a negative feel to it; as if someone gains an advantage somehow. Ideally the sex should be great for both parties involved. It should be mutually rewarding without a sense of regret. If you and your partners, whether they be few or many, feel mutually pleased... I don't see anything wrong with it. You folks are adults and should be able to make responsible decisions. I'm sure you know the consequences (STD, pregnancy, the possible emotional fallout, etc..) and will act accordingly.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Thank you.

 

[Ange1icflowers]

my 2 sense

here i am butting in again!
as long as you practice safe sexual behaviour and don't expect to hold a long term relationship with these men...then what you do is your own damned business and no one needs to know and you shouldn't feel guilty. I was always taught that sex was bad and evil if done out of marriage...old and uneducated thinking. thankfully i have been educated and now know better. sex is perfectly normal and if you have desires then you are only going to hurt yourself (and your future s.o.) by denying those desires.
think to yourself for a minute. in 3 months...or even one month wouldn't you feel guilty if you DIDN'T do anything? wouldn't you wonder what if????? Personally i know i would and i have tried to live my life with no "what if's". If something is supposed to happen...it often does. don't beat yourself up for enjoying life.

and if any of that blabber doesn't help....talk to a close friend (be it male or female whichever you choose) and develop a friendship....like Alanis Morrisette says "best friends with benefits" It REALLY helps alot. you know who this person is....and there is really no expectations so there is no chance of anyone getting hurt.


good luck




Angel

 

[watergirl]

me, again -

i was having the same kind of fun, this last year... and what i need to learn to do is, sadly, censor the amount of happiness and satisfaction i get from it, when i talk to my friends. i like people, i like getting to know them, and going to bed with some of them...

and, yes, my friends, too, seem to worry that i'm letting myself be taken advantage of. hold on to what YOU think, shescurious, and I'll hold on to my surety, too.

 

[psyche]

me, again -

i was having the same kind of fun, this last year... and what i need to learn to do is, sadly, censor the amount of happiness and satisfaction i get from it, when i talk to my friends. i like people, i like getting to know them, and going to bed with some of them...

and, yes, my friends, too, seem to worry that i'm letting myself be taken advantage of. hold on to what YOU think, shescurious, and I'll hold on to my surety, too.

Why is it that women are "taken advantage of" and men are the ones who are "taking advantage"? Fuck that.........women are able to make decisions about who to have sex with, period. My take is that your friends are just worried that you will have too much fun. Your friend's reactions shouldn't make you censor your enjoyment of your sexuality. And no one can take advantage of you...........unless of course they tie you to the bed and have their way with you...............Mmmmmmmmm...............come to think of it I could use some of that................LOL! Stand in line.........I am ready to be taken advantage of guys..............

 

[watergirl]

thanks, psyche -

not censor my enjoyment - censor what I tell them...

I've come to the conclusion that they just haven't got the balls to live life the way I do.

now, now, gents, the line forms to the right, for the beautiful lady's pleaure - don't fight over her!

 

[psyche]

thanks, psyche -

not censor my enjoyment - censor what I tell them...

I've come to the conclusion that they just haven't got the balls to live life the way I do.

now, now, gents, the line forms to the right, for the beautiful lady's pleaure - don't fight over her!

That's what I meant also, watergirl. The more I think about this topic the more it brings out. I have been with men who are just as sexually repressed as the friends you are taking about. The are ashamed of their sexuality, feel bad about having sex, and instead of enjoying it they feel guilty. That's one of the reasons I love lit so much. There are so many people here who are very open about their sexuality and expressing it in any number of ways. My lover, who I met here on lit, was a revelation to me because he so comfortably enjoys sex. Sex with him is incredible and we have so much fun.

 

[prettygrneyes]

Re: liberation

Keep in mind that women have sexual needs and that satisifying those needs is important. The idea that men are using women, or that women are using men is really a state of mind. If you are happy in satisfying your sexual needs that means that someone else is not using you. You have made an adult decision to have sex, and to enjoy that experience with a partner. You are not using them and they are not using you. It is a mutual decision to enjoy the physical pleasure of sex with each other. Women will achieve sexual equality when they decide that they are not the innocent victims of sex to be used by men.

You are not selling yourself short. Enjoy your sexual experiences, learn from them and wait for the person that you want to spend the rest of your life with. You will know much more about yourself and the person that you want to be with.

great advice...hey hun..how are you??

 

[watergirl]

mmm, I getcha now, psyche...

I was so happy to find lit and the sense of community and lovely functional and disfunctional family that seems to exist here.

I find it really really amazing, how, once people own up that they like sex, it's great, and we all want it, you can talk about it in a very flirty way, and it's good, instead of being skeezy or creepy..
and how you can also find so many other things to talk about, as well.

Do you ever read Ayn Rand? her characters have interesting views on sex, which are hers, of course - that sexual attraction is the inevitable result of the attraction of two minds, and that a woman should feel she merits the attention she gets...

here's a scenario from one of her books - you can only blackmail people if they want to hide the info you have on them... if you own it proudly and openly, that you are sleeping with someone, then what do you have to lose? the good opinion of others? why should you want it, if they think less of you for taking your joy where you find it?

i'm not sure how coherent that is, I should stop rambling..

 

[psyche]

Re: Re: liberation

great advice...hey hun..how are you??

Hey there! I am just fine! And I hope that you are doing well also. So nice to see you. I have been very busy with work, this is my busiest quarter. But last night I was walking out to get the mail in the dark after getting home from work, and I fucking fell on some ice. Broke my fall with my right hand and my arm was so sore that I went to the Dr. for an x-ray this morning. It is not broken, but fuck me, it is sore as hell. LOL! I did not go into work today, someone else came in and gave my classes their exams. So I am just full of energy tonight! Pretty dangerous! So nice to see you.

 

[psyche]

mmm, I getcha now, psyche...

I was so happy to find lit and the sense of community and lovely functional and disfunctional family that seems to exist here.

I find it really really amazing, how, once people own up that they like sex, it's great, and we all want it, you can talk about it in a very flirty way, and it's good, instead of being skeezy or creepy..
and how you can also find so many other things to talk about, as well.

Do you ever read Ayn Rand? her characters have interesting views on sex, which are hers, of course - that sexual attraction is the inevitable result of the attraction of two minds, and that a woman should feel she merits the attention she gets...

here's a scenario from one of her books - you can only blackmail people if they want to hide the info you have on them... if you own it proudly and openly, that you are sleeping with someone, then what do you have to lose? the good opinion of others? why should you want it, if they think less of you for taking your joy where you find it?

i'm not sure how coherent that is, I should stop rambling..

You are not rambling. No I have never read Ayn Rand. I really do believe that we have to live our lives for ourselves and not worry about what other people think of us. When I am 90, I want to say I did what I wanted to do, I lived my life, I loved who I wanted to, I fucked who I wanted to...........and if someone can't accept that, I can live with that. LOL!