Making it safe?

[damsel_dearest]

Hey everyone, I am kind of new here, and new to BDSM in general, and I have been having some worries/frustrations about trying BDSM with my girlfriend.

I have a history of sexual abuse, which for a long time left me quite traumatized about touch of any shape or form. My wonderful girl coaxed me through it, and now her and I have a very umm successful physical relationship.

At first she didn't tell me, because she was scared I would be afraid of her past the point of no return, but eventually she told me she likes BDSM, and fantasizes about domination, humiliation, etc.

Because of her role in making me comfortable with things, I really trust her a great deal, enough that I find the idea of trying BDSM with her exciting, but she is much more hesitant.

She worries that it will get out of hand, or that something wil trigger me, so whenever we try anything, she can't relax enough to get into it, even though when she does, I have not had an issue for the most part..

I think at the centre of it is she wants to dominate me, but she doesn't want to hurt me (and by this I don't mean the fun way), and well, of course I am nervous, but I think most new subs are right? Just she takes thay as a sign she shouldn't do it..

Does anyone have any advice/ideas to help make us both more comfortable as we are starting out? It's not that we don't want to, it's more like we want the other to feel safe and for it to be a good experience for us both, but not sure how to get it there. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated!

 

[Daxaeha]

Try telling her something in particular that you want to try having her do to you. That way she might feel more safe knowing that you're expecting it and it's exactly what you asked for.

If the two of you are moving into BDSM together I certainly hope you've had your "limits talk". If not, do that, that should help A LOT!

If you have, try making the soft limits more expansive and you can take on each "testy" item on the list one at a time while knowing that anything NOT on the list is green light.

Speaking of green lights, a really good way to check up on your sub is by periodically asking where they're at in the traffic light system at the moment.
"Red, Yellow, Green" instead of asking directly if they're okay.


Hope this helped!

 

[subwannabe]

Take baby steps. You don't have to go for the whole enchelada at once. Did I spell that right?

 

[damsel_dearest]

Try telling her something in particular that you want to try having her do to you. That way she might feel more safe knowing that you're expecting it and it's exactly what you asked for.

If the two of you are moving into BDSM together I certainly hope you've had your "limits talk". If not, do that, that should help A LOT!

If you have, try making the soft limits more expansive and you can take on each "testy" item on the list one at a time while knowing that anything NOT on the list is green light.

Speaking of green lights, a really good way to check up on your sub is by periodically asking where they're at in the traffic light system at the moment.
"Red, Yellow, Green" instead of asking directly if they're okay.


Hope this helped!

Definitely helps!

I get kinda nervous asking for things, but maybe I can try. If you don't ask you can't be rejected see heh.

We have mentioned a few things n passing, but never sat down and gone through the limits altogether. Will try thay, and I like the traffic light idea. One thing that hangs her up worrying is because I will say "ok" when she asks, and then she's all "is thay good or bad? Am I hurting you? " it is really sweet how she gets like that but it stops all play and kills the mood.

And I don't know how to double quote bit yes, we do take it slow. My worries are more about the feelings happening while we are doing it. Like when I can sink into it it is um. Awesome. But when she is so tense and hesitant it kills it every time. That is not to say I never get greedy and don't wish we could go farther a lot though.

Thank-you both for replying!

 

[Daxaeha]

Keep us updated!

 

[Sir_Winston54]

....

And I don't know how to double quote ....

In the lower right corner of each post you read, there should be three buttons: Quote, multi-quote, quick reply.

Quote enters that message into your reply.

Multi-quote (the plus sign) allows you to pick two or more posts you wish to have entered into your reply. The *last* message you choose, click the Quote button.

Quick reply just gives you a flashing cursor in the quick reply box at the bottom of the page. Type away.

Enjoy your options! (And not just the message-quoting ones )