Making a relationship work with a "Top" personality and a "sub"

[jasonlf]

Hi, I'm currently seriously dating a girl with very submissive tendencies. We've been having issues lately, because even though she is submissive, I've never been a dom of any kind -- Not only am I inexperienced, but honestly, the mental dom game doesn't do anything for me. I am, however, turned on by the physical things ... i.e. tying her up, spanking, etc -- but it isn't enough for her.

I need some tips on something that we can do to compromise, or possibly a way for me investigating on how I might can learn how to be a dom. I love this girl and this is really the only remaining issue we have to resolve before marriage. We've just both heard stories of subs marrying someone who isn't a dom, and never being satisfied.

Any help you could give would be greatly appreciated.

 

[AngelicAssassin]

I need some tips on something that we can do to compromise, or possibly a way for me investigating on how I might can learn how to be a dom...Any help you could give would be greatly appreciated.

As silly as it sounds, talk to each other. Every couple that approaches this subject, even if they've amassed a lot of experience, needs to find out what makes the other tick. Otherwise, (in this instance) her submissiveness might hide her disappointment in your lack of pushing her buttons for the short term. In the long term, things get ugly.

Sit down and have a very frank conversation with her. Find out to the nth degree what both of you will do, and (more importantly) not do. Once you have that "list," (yeah it sounds like a recipe book) explore and have fun with what you both will do. On occasion, go back to no-go list and skirt the edges. Play slowly and safely on that edge. Find out if the no-go item still belongs on the no-go list.

If she decides to balk at the frank talk, just this once, dominate her into answering completely and truthfully. If she can't handle that, she can't handle things you don't want to do. Enjoy your swim.

 

[jasonlf]

Well, we HAVE talked about it -- that's why I came here.

She has said, in so many words, that she can "tell when a dom walks into the room" and all it takes is "two words to make her wet". She continually repeats that she will not submit to me because I am not a dominant personality.

We *have* however done some things before. For example, she's visiting this week, and she's been in a bitchy mood all week, so, she got tied up and spanked -- but it was less d/s and more just bondage/spanking ... because there was absolutely *no* submission going on.

She says that with me, it always just feels like a roleplay. I don't know if the fact I *am* a sweet guy, and we've been dating off and on for nearly 3 years is what's hurting my chances of being considered a dom to her. I'm pretty much willing to do whatever needs to be done, I'm just not sure how.

 

[A Desert Rose]

Well, we HAVE talked about it -- that's why I came here.

She has said, in so many words, that she can "tell when a dom walks into the room" and all it takes is "two words to make her wet". She continually repeats that she will not submit to me because I am not a dominant personality.

We *have* however done some things before. For example, she's visiting this week, and she's been in a bitchy mood all week, so, she got tied up and spanked -- but it was less d/s and more just bondage/spanking ... because there was absolutely *no* submission going on.

She says that with me, it always just feels like a roleplay. I don't know if the fact I *am* a sweet guy, and we've been dating off and on for nearly 3 years is what's hurting my chances of being considered a dom to her. I'm pretty much willing to do whatever needs to be done, I'm just not sure how.

You cannot be someone you're not. (Oh those dreaded double negatives keep following me around.) You can't be someone else. You have to be you... whatever that you is. And either she loves you for that or she does not. You will be roleplaying if you try to behave in a fashion she wants and that does not feel natural to you.

Life will become very hard if you start out with each other (in a marriage) as people you are not. It's dishonest to everyone.

 

[cinnamonstick]

...........

 

[curiousjen]

You cannot be someone you're not. (Oh those dreaded double negatives keep following me around.) You can't be someone else. You have to be you... whatever that you is. And either she loves you for that or she does not. You will be roleplaying if you try to behave in a fashion she wants and that does not feel natural to you.

Life will become very hard if you start out with each other (in a marriage) as people you are not. It's dishonest to everyone.

I agree entirely. I'm sure if you just hung around lit and observed all the domly types for a while you'd pick up a lot of tips etc but if its just not you, then its just not you and there's nothing you can do about it. Its just a hunch but it doesn't seem like shes really helping the situation, one minute telling you she needs to be dominated and then telling you she could never submit to you- what a headfuck!

 

[A Desert Rose]

She has said, in so many words, that she can "tell when a dom walks into the room" and all it takes is "two words to make her wet". She continually repeats that she will not submit to me because I am not a dominant personality.

She says that with me, it always just feels like a roleplay.

I can imagine it was pretty painful to hear those words from her. It's painful to not live up to the expectations of the one you love and then, to be told so. It's hurtful for me to even read those words.

I don't know you. I don't know that somewhere down deep inside you, there isn't a Dom waiting to get out. And maybe there isn't. And if there isn't... so what? You have to be you and find the sexuality that feels right for you. If, in the end, it doesn't mesh with hers, then it will be time to find another, for you both.

You can't live your life trying to be someone who will please her. It will create nothing but resentment on both sides.

 

[Netzach]

I would also say this is not only a headfuck, but that the girl is in love with some mysterious fantasy of Domination by less-known men, caught up in some serious story of O shit. She knows you, she trusts you, it's just boring to her wheras "other guys can make me wet just by walking in a room"? What the hell?

Sounds like she needs to inject a little reality into her ideas about submission, especially because they sound pretty "me focused."

 

[Caitlynne]

I would also say this is not only a headfuck, but that the girl is in love with some mysterious fantasy of Domination by less-known men, caught up in some serious story of O shit. She knows you, she trusts you, it's just boring to her wheras "other guys can make me wet just by walking in a room"? What the hell?

Sounds like she needs to inject a little reality into her ideas about submission, especially because they sound pretty "me focused."

Listen to the Netzack, she knows what she's talking about.

 

[WriterDom]

I'd like to hear your girlfriend's side of the story in her own words. Think you could get her on here?

 

[jasonlf]

Think you could get her on here?

I'll try




Thanks for the comments -- I'd like to investigate to see if I really have
dominant tendencies waiting to get out -- I've just yet to find someone who has a functional d/s *love*/not just sex relationship to learn from.

 

[SubbieHubbie2]

To reflect on the thoughts of some of the good people who've posted above. You can 'act' like a dom if you're not (assuming you are willing to learn, which you appear). She can 'act' vanilla if she's not (and I promise you there are those of us on this board who are living in a situation where, at least to a degree, we do). However, if one of you is going to get into 'blame' of the other ("you're not a real dom..."), fall into selfishness etc, then it hardly seems to be the groundwork for a fulfilling relationship. Relationships are built of love, trust, consideration and sharing - whether 'nilla or BDSM - and without that they are going to be really hard going if not failed. I'd ask you to consider, and possibly talk over, what your girlfriend's words are intended to indicate.

Of course, as others have noted, we only have her words second-hand (which is always open to inadvertent mistranslation). Can she come and express herself? Is she hurting for lack of a dom, and if so, what does that mean to her? Remember, we submissives are of many forms and need doms of many forms to support us. Is she challenging you to 'prove' you are a dom (the kind of sassy thing some subs MIGHT do if a BDSM relationship has been established and ongoing) - hey you know some of us subs get sassy and tease our doms at times and that teasing can come across wrong. Is she selfish? Is it something else?

We can't know exactly what has been going on between you and your girlfriend, especially not without more information from you both. What I think we all can, and do, do is empathize with the pain you feel at how her statement came across. Best of health and fortune to you.

SH

 

[jasonlf]

To reflect on the thoughts of some of the good people who've posted above. You can 'act' like a dom if you're not (assuming you are willing to learn, which you appear). She can 'act' vanilla if she's not (and I promise you there are those of us on this board who are living in a situation where, at least to a degree, we do). However, if one of you is going to get into 'blame' of the other ("you're not a real dom..."), fall into selfishness etc, then it hardly seems to be the groundwork for a fulfilling relationship. Relationships are built of love, trust, consideration and sharing - whether 'nilla or BDSM - and without that they are going to be really hard going if not failed. I'd ask you to consider, and possibly talk over, what your girlfriend's words are intended to indicate.

Of course, as others have noted, we only have her words second-hand (which is always open to inadvertent mistranslation). Can she come and express herself? Is she hurting for lack of a dom, and if so, what does that mean to her? Remember, we submissives are of many forms and need doms of many forms to support us. Is she challenging you to 'prove' you are a dom (the kind of sassy thing some subs MIGHT do if a BDSM relationship has been established and ongoing) - hey you know some of us subs get sassy and tease our doms at times and that teasing can come across wrong. Is she selfish? Is it something else?

We can't know exactly what has been going on between you and your girlfriend, especially not without more information from you both. What I think we all can, and do, do is empathize with the pain you feel at how her statement came across. Best of health and fortune to you.

SH

She wasn't willing to come and discuss it, however, I did kinda bring it to a head.

I kinda put it up to a choice to her ... if she wanted me to be the sweet guy continually trying to make her happy, or, if she wanted to trust me and submit to me. She told me she loved me just the way I was, and that she'd rather have me be the sweet guy she's known for 2 and a half years than for me to let my slightly-dominant tendancies loose on her.

I don't know if it's definately a *solution*, but I really think it helped to put it to her in that way ... I think in some ways she realized the what the choice would be, and how much it would change our dynamic.

She's always been more into discipline than submission anyway, and god knows I couldn't live with the girl if I didn't have to spank her into a good mood every now and then

Thanks all for your help, and I'll hang around here from now on and post every once in a while.

 

[Netzach]

She wasn't willing to come and discuss it, however, I did kinda bring it to a head.

I kinda put it up to a choice to her ... if she wanted me to be the sweet guy continually trying to make her happy, or, if she wanted to trust me and submit to me. She told me she loved me just the way I was, and that she'd rather have me be the sweet guy she's known for 2 and a half years than for me to let my slightly-dominant tendancies loose on her.

I don't know if it's definately a *solution*, but I really think it helped to put it to her in that way ... I think in some ways she realized the what the choice would be, and how much it would change our dynamic.

She's always been more into discipline than submission anyway, and god knows I couldn't live with the girl if I didn't have to spank her into a good mood every now and then

Thanks all for your help, and I'll hang around here from now on and post every once in a while.

Good.

Don't neglect to discipline her a lot and you should be ok.


It's not always an either/or. My marriage looks pretty normal on the surface, but I need to overrule my husband on a semi-regular basis and I think he'd grudgingly agree he needs that too. Leave some room for flexibility and growth. Once you start spanking, after all, you'll want to add things to the routine, yes?

 

[AngelicAssassin]

Well, we HAVE talked about it -- that's why I came here.

But did either of you listen to the other?

She has said, in so many words, that she can "tell when a dom walks into the room" and all it takes is "two words to make her wet".

If said dominant chose to reveal him/herself, i'll agree.

• She continually repeats that she will not submit to me because I am not a dominant personality.
• She says that with me, it always just feels like a roleplay.
• I don't know if the fact I *am* a sweet guy, and we've been dating off and on for nearly 3 years is what's hurting my chances of being considered a dom to her.

I'm pretty much willing to do whatever needs to be done, I'm just not sure how.

i'm reading the three lines i turned into a list over and over again. Absorbed the spanking material you shared as well. i have an undefinable feeling your partner doesn't really understand D/s. While a certain amount of * needs to exist within the submissive towards the dominant for D/s to happen, this ain't a Harlequin romance novel with studly-6-foot-plus-black-haired-dark-eyes making ample breasts quiver. With the exception of 'Cisco of course.

BTW, that sweetness you mention as a trait you possess is a tool like any other in a dominant's kit. You can, in fact, create more havoc in the mind of a submissive with that disarming tool than most can with a bull whip.

 

[jasonlf]

BTW, that sweetness you mention as a trait you possess is a tool like any other in a dominant's kit. You can, in fact, create more havoc in the mind of a submissive with that disarming tool than most can with a bull whip.

Teach me how. Please.

 

[Quint]

Netz, I'm glad you spotted the "me" vibe from her too...I was reading a little too much of my former life in her.

So, Jason. What do you want? You sound like you've both done some research on a D/s lifestyle and have formed your opinions about what it may or may not entail. Let me provide my own advice: it's not all about the actions and it's not all about the mentality. You can pick and choose. And that's the neat thing about your partner being the self-proclaimed submissive one: YOU can pick and choose. Find what YOU love about sex and exploit it to no end. Sounds like you're doing that with the spanking already.

To go into more detail. What do you love about spanking her? Is it her pleasure or her pain or both, or just the sensation of warm wiggling woman strewn over your lap, or the noises, or what? Once you know why you like what you like, you can extrapolate that knowledge onto other activities. Obviously, if you enjoy making her squirm in pain, there are plenty of other things you could do that would make her squirm in pain. Likewise if it's her arousal that turns you on.

I say that the only thing that distinguishes a "sweet guy" from a dominant guy is your awareness of your needs and your determination to meet them. Find what makes you tick and use it. That's domination in a nutshell. Everything else is the candy coating.

 

[AngelicAssassin]

BTW, that sweetness you mention as a trait you possess is a tool like any other in a dominant's kit. You can, in fact, create more havoc in the mind of a submissive with that disarming tool than most can with a bull whip.

Teach me how. Please.

Do me a favor and search the term mindfuck in this and the Cafe forum. Now add that sweetness trait to what you've read concerning the mindfuck. i add one and one and get three every time. How about you?