....make him listen?

[Jessica2121a]

My husband and i are in our late 20's and have been together for 8 years. I understand you start to loose intrest in eachother and get bored being with the same person. We still have sex often, but its like a routine and always the same.

We both are subbmissive and im always the one that ends up intiating sex. Ive told him the things i like and we have talked about fantasies. But he just doesnt even seem to listen, he doesnt even make an attempt. I dont think that its because hes not intrested in me, hes very busy and involved with the work he does and sex has never been an important priority for him. I, on the other hand am a very sexual person.

I just dont know how to get thru to him, its important to me and ive been talking to him about our sex life for 2 years and nothing ever changes.

Any suggestions

 

[bubbaloo]

well

tell him you will look elsewhere for it if he doesnt give it!

 

[coastal-boy]

is it that he isn't listening or that he is uncomfortable with your fantasies? I think it depends on what we are talking about as to how.

 

[Jessica2121a]

He says he's fine with it and we can work on it and do differant things. But it's like he just forgets we talked a week later. It's hard for me to talk to him about these things in the first place. Basically i just want him to be more aggressive....so it's not like im asking for off the wall stuff.

 

[tustin92614]

That seems to happen every so often in relationships. I've been through me losing interest for awhile, and her losing interest for awhile.

Couple things we did worked pretty well. She bought a couple adult DVD's, the ones that have alot of plot, and still some good scenes. Adam and Eve make some good ones (eg Pirates). It starts out so slow that its not intimidating. As you get into the scenes, you can say things like "She looks like loves doing that" or "I bet that makes him feel really good". Since yoiu're talking about the film, its non-confrontational. I would bet he would open up after a couple scenes, and you might have an opportunithy to try something new!! We finally got so comfortable with it that we'd randomly fast forward through the disc, and do whatever was happening at that place.

There's also a good website at "sportsheets.com". The sheets are great. Really safe, fun, easy way to lightly secure your partner. The site has some good videos on how to use all their toys. they have some really unique things.

My husband and i are in our late 20's and have been together for 8 years. I understand you start to loose intrest in eachother and get bored being with the same person. We still have sex often, but its like a routine and always the same.

We both are subbmissive and im always the one that ends up intiating sex. Ive told him the things i like and we have talked about fantasies. But he just doesnt even seem to listen, he doesnt even make an attempt. I dont think that its because hes not intrested in me, hes very busy and involved with the work he does and sex has never been an important priority for him. I, on the other hand am a very sexual person.

I just dont know how to get thru to him, its important to me and ive been talking to him about our sex life for 2 years and nothing ever changes.

Any suggestions

 

[NippleMuncher]

tell him you will look elsewhere for it if he doesnt give it!

Threats and ultimatums never work unless you're willing to deal with the consequences, in this case the relationship ending badly.

 

[CWatson]

First off, do what you can to break the routine. See what you can do about altering the circumstances surrounding the sex to make it less ho-hum-same-old. Being a virgin, I can't offer much else in the way of practical advice--maybe SweetErika could swoop in with that. But I've read and heard and seen enough to know that context can make a big difference in sex and in stimulating passion. See if you can tweak it somehow.

 

[StrayKat]

Sorry to sound pessimistic but some men just do not listen or understand what they hear. Or they do when its way too late.

I had quite similar experience with my husband and I was trying to solve it for years. When I gave up and turned away (no, I didnt cheat on him I just sort of developed my own life and there was no place for him in it anymore) then he "woke up", "changed", started to be "worried" about out future.
Yeah, right, where were you years ago.... /shrug

I dont think he will change anything until he gets kind of hit in the head if you know what I mean. Wish you better luck than I had anyway.

 

[silverwhisper]

jessica, does he listen to you well re: other, non-sexual parts of your relationship, such as scheduling events with family, incorporating your wishes into plans you make, etc.? i ask because if there's one thing that being on the how to forum has helped reinforce for me, it's that sexual issues generally have their genesis outside of the bedroom.

assuming that it's only the sexual part of your relationship that's an issue: perhaps you should talk, in a non-sexual setting, about how you could alternate being the dom(me)/sub in the interaction? is it possible he simply isn't comfortable verbalizing his own desires fully, or feels you wouldn't be receptive?

ed

 

[DeliciousLady]

Ouch. This topic has to be hitting a nerve with some readers. I don't know the answers. I know we can't make anyone do anything. Truth is hard for people. Especially when it comes from the gut. Sometimes being the first to 'open up' helps. Other times not.

I've decided honesty is a tricky thing. It scares people.

I hope it works out for you.

 

[littlebabyclit]

jessica, does he listen to you well re: other, non-sexual parts of your relationship, such as scheduling events with family, incorporating your wishes into plans you make, etc.? ....sexual issues generally have their genesis outside of the bedroom.

Absolutely. I can testify to that. If a man is a poor listener, and/or primarily focused on his own needs or concerns, you've definitely got an uphill battle in the bedroom, guaranteed.

 

[Jessica2121a]

jessica, does he listen to you well re: other, non-sexual parts of your relationship, such as scheduling events with family, incorporating your wishes into plans you make, etc.? i ask because if there's one thing that being on the how to forum has helped reinforce for me, it's that sexual issues generally have their genesis outside of the bedroom.

assuming that it's only the sexual part of your relationship that's an issue: perhaps you should talk, in a non-sexual setting, about how you could alternate being the dom(me)/sub in the interaction? is it possible he simply isn't comfortable verbalizing his own desires fully, or feels you wouldn't be receptive?

ed

That's just it in every other aspect of our relationship he's great. He listens, works hard and does anything i ask. It is just a sexual problem and i have gathered the nerve to talk about it a few times, he's ok with what i ask but never does it. He has never said he's uncomfortable with what i like so i just dont understand the problem.

I will admit i control the relationship outside of the bedroom(just like most women).

 

[kimbernee]

Asking someone to be more aggressive may be like asking him to change his personality. It may be no easier for him to start doing what you want than for you to stop wanting it.

 

[littlebabyclit]

Hi Jessica,

For clarity purposes, has your husband said he will actually fulfill your request sometimes i.e. has he actually stated that? Or has he just heard you out, been sympathetic, and you're assuming the empathy means he has agreed to do what you ask? When you said he agrees you can both "work on it" what exactly has he offered to do ?
Or is that just said (without specifics) to placate you, for a while?

Have you told him, in a kind way, that you're disappointed, since he has told you he'd make an effort to accomodate your wishes, and yet he hasn't fulfilled that?

Have you been very specific with how you'd like him to be aggressive?
Like, certain moves and behaviours that would turn you on as you'd like?
Some men are just not very creative I think, they need a diagram or a "to do" list, LOL.

Perhaps, another question to ask would be, how else can we make my fantasy come true? This might be an outrageous suggestion but... would you be interested in swinging? Would he be likely to accomodate such a scenario, of you with a more aggressive male (with his permission)?

 

[kaycee217]

That's just it in every other aspect of our relationship he's great. He listens, works hard and does anything i ask. It is just a sexual problem and i have gathered the nerve to talk about it a few times, he's ok with what i ask but never does it. He has never said he's uncomfortable with what i like so i just dont understand the problem.

I will admit i control the relationship outside of the bedroom(just like most women).

Fascinating statement there!

 

[CristinaRobo]

Asking someone to be more aggressive may be like asking him to change his personality. It may be no easier for him to start doing what you want than for you to stop wanting it.

I agree. For the time being, you may have to be the one who initiates the sex. But you still need more communication, and don't be afraid to be frank and ask him questions. Does he like it when you initiate the evening's activity? What is his favorite fantasy (be specific)? Does he want you to try anything new? How about a new location (in the car...hotel with people in the next room)? You may need to virtually drag some of these things out of him. You may have been together for 8 years, but I still sense there is possibly some nervousness on his part to discuss these things. Especially with men who might think that because they are submissive, that they are not stereotypical of their gender. Honestly, this can bother a lot of men, and it may take quite a bit of communication and compassion to get him to open up, relax, and try new things. I really do hope you succeed, because a sexual relationship that is completely open is your ultimate goal.

 

[phelon]

I have 2 immediate thoughts.....
First, even if he listens in every other catagory.. this is obviously one with an issue, get a counselor if for no other reason than to make sure its a neutral time where what is discussed is listened to, and where there can be feedback on yes or no is it working.

second; since you mention, him not starting things as one of the problems.. try this::
write out 'starters' for him.. notes telling him what you want him to start ....
fold them up, shuffle them around.. then put them in his socks, pockets and stuff... where you don;t know when he will find the note, just that he will get a BIG HINT sometime...

 

[silverwhisper]

jessica quoth:
that's just it in every other aspect of our relationship he's great. he listens, works hard and does anything i ask. it is just a sexual problem and i have gathered the nerve to talk about it a few times, he's ok with what i ask but never does it. he has never said he's uncomfortable with what i like so i just dont understand the problem.

hm...is it possible that he isn't verbalizing discomfort but is still experiencing it?

jessica quoth:
i will admit i control the relationship outside of the bedroom (just like most women).

that's a rather illuminating statement. assuming you weren't being facetious--and i'll be honest, i really can't tell--don't you see a rather significant disconnect here?

ed

 

[johnie38uk]

Have you tried watching porn with him?

 

[Jessica2121a]

When i say i control the rest of the relationship. I mean that whatever i want he does. If i wanna go on vacation somewhere or what ever i want to do when we go out. He basically tries to do/give me everything i wantand make me happy.

We used to have very good sex and experiment aot before we had a kid(6 years ago), so i know im not asking for something hes too uncomfortable with. There is just no effort on his part anymore.....we did speak about fantasies and the things he wants too, and i do what he wants all the time.

Thanks everyone for advice.....gave me alot to think about. I am still pretty nervous and afraid of hurting his feelings when i tell him this took me a year to even bring it up.

 

[fireymatt]

As previously mentioned there are alot of great responses here. I do think that there might be something more than just...'He's not listening to me'... rather, I think he is possibly choosing not to follow through for one reason or another. Just because he isnt doing what you want...doenst mean he isnt listening.... dont quite yet make him out to be the bad guy.... perhaps his lack of response is his way of him trying to tell YOU something? Like I say all the time.... men and women are wired differently....

It could be a comfort level with talking about sex/sexuality. The fact he USED to do things.... please dont hold that against him because as im sure you know.... a relationship is fluid and dynamic and as we get older the relationship changes but at the sametime WE CHANGE.... the trick is to keep all 3 in sync .... which is very hard to do. I dont mean to say that its your fault....I'M NOT! Rather, what I am trying to say is just beacause we vocalize something doesnt mean it has to be done. His non-verbal You say "whatever i want he does".... maybe this is one aspect of the relationship that he wants to control? Men are evil creatures and like things kept simple.... we have our 'things' we like to control to. Could it be he is too busy? You mentioned that he is busy all the time.... generally i know from me, when im exhausted, sex is not at the top of the list.
The best part is your asking and talking, when we give up... its done! Perhaps let it die down abit and start a fresh approach..... i must admit i do like your enthusiasm though...lol

 

[pplwatching]

I just dont know how to get thru to him, its important to me and ive been talking to him about our sex life for 2 years and nothing ever changes.

To paraphrase a well worn expression, if you keep doing the same thing over and over and keep getting the same results then it's time to change what you're doing or change what you expect to happen.

Is the heart of the problem that he won't initiate, or that you really just want to explore your fantasies? If you internalize his lack of initiation as a symptom of a lack of interest in you or your sexual desires then you may be creating a problem where there isn't one. Men change over time. Our hormones change. Our interest in sex changes. The daily stresses of providing for a family can become our focus, and a particular fantasy might not be on the front burner when we want to feel a sexual connection with our partner.

If I read what you are saying right, he's a team player when you initiate the fantasy play. On the whole it seems like you have a good marriage given what you've written. IMHO it's time to learn to nudge. On a night when sex isn't in the cards tell him how hot a particular fantasy makes you, and let him know that you'd love to play it out the next time you have sex. When sex is on the menu whisper how distracted you've been just thinking about it. It's up to you to keep it on the front burner. The best way to get what you want is to ask for it and make it happen. You don't have to be confrontational to get it.

If this is just about sex, then it seems that your best bet is to stop being hung up on who initiates it and jump his bones however you like whenever the mood strikes you. If you have a nagging feeling that something else is wrong in the relationship, then it's time to talk to him about the bigger picture.

Good luck

 

[littlebabyclit]

...If you internalize his lack of initiation as a symptom of a lack of interest in you or your sexual desires then you may be creating a problem where there isn't one. Men change over time. Our hormones change. Our interest in sex changes. The daily stresses of providing for a family can become our focus, and a particular fantasy might not be on the front burner when we want to feel a sexual connection with our partner.....It's up to you to keep it on the front burner. The best way to get what you want is to ask for it and make it happen. You don't have to be confrontational to get it.

If this is just about sex, then it seems that your best bet is to stop being hung up on who initiates it and jump his bones however you like whenever the mood strikes you.

This advice is very relevant to me. I'm having problems similar to the OP's with my husband. What you say rings very true, but it's very hard to detach and feel great about having to assume the role of primary initiater to get anything done, when you'd rather things be a joint, reciprocating effort.

On the other hand, what good is the "ask for what you want, make it happen" theory, if you keep asking for things, but you don't get them?
What if nudging your own expectations means inevitably settling for less, all the time?

 

[pplwatching]

It's very hard to detach and feel great about having to assume the role of primary initiater to get anything done, when you'd rather things be a joint, reciprocating effort.

On the other hand, what good is the "ask for what you want, make it happen" theory, if you keep asking for things, but you don't get them?
What if nudging your own expectations means inevitably settling for less, all the time?

In the OP's case I meant nudge him in the direction of the kind of aggressive sex she's in the mood for when they have sex. In retrospect maybe I misunderstood; I got the impression that he will initiate sex, just not spontaneously act on her fantasies.

With respect to the rest of your question, do I understand correctly that your situation is a bit different in that you have to initiate sex all of the time?

 

[subwannabe]

O.K. I'm going to come at it from a different perspective. First, what was his sex life and partners like before he met you? Maybe he just doesn't have much experience and doesn't know how to move on past just what he knows.



"We both are subbmissive and im always the one that ends up intiating sex."


"We still have sex often, but its like a routine and always the same. "

I'm going to also say that maybe at least part of this is your fault. How do you know he is submissive? You say that both of you are submissive but it also sounds like you have regular routine vanilla sex. Maybe he is craving you to totally dominate him when you intiate sex. Show him a little of what you would like and maybe that will spark an interest in him returning the favor by opening up communication the physical way instead of the verbal way. I'm only writing this because others have given you other advise already and I thought you might like a different perspective.