Major changes at 49

[cgermany]

I would wellcome any comments on the following-
I met my partner three years after seperation from a twenty year marriage, so I thought I was pretty clear about what I wanted/didn't want from a new relationship-
I didn't want any exclusivity- I wanted both of us to be able to enjoy other partners.
I didn't want to co habitate- I wanted a lot of 'me' time.
I wanted plenty of sex!
Six years down the line we have a situation that my partner is emotionally but nolonger sexually involved with another woman who wishes him to 'belong' to her exclusively.
We are living together and in the middle of extensive and expensive work on the house
He, at 56, is no longer as sexually active with me as in 'the good old days'-
So...I don't want to continue our relationship as life partners and would prefer to be good friends
He definitely wants us to carry out our plans about house and home/partnership.
I certainly have loads of me time as he is so wrapped up about the other woman. When we get together we have violent rows as he believes my change of heart about is jealousy and I am 'throwing in the towel' because of that.
Does anyone think I should continue this relationship? Would it be more 'grown up' to continue?

 

[SweetErika]

So he wants you for the house, cohabitation and sex, but the other woman for everything else? Or does he want an emotional relationship with you as well? Is he willing to be exclusive with this other woman, as she wants?

What legal and financial stake does he have in the house?

If you're just "good friends" will you still live in the home together?

Why do you want to sever the romantic relationship? Is it your sex life? His involvement with the other woman?

Are you still free to be sexually and emotionally involved with other people?

 

[cgermany]

is respect and liking enough?

The house belongs entirely to me. My choice- I didn't want any financial entangle ments- we share the bills.
I would not want to co-habitate if we were just good friends-that's just it!
He does want to be emotionally involved with me but I am no longer sure that I love this man, there is a lot of respect and liking, is that enough to go on with? Is that what defines a mature relationship?? (Like he says)
I am still free to enjoy other partners but shy away from the effort of building up satisfying sexual encounters- is that just peevish??

 

[amofiga]

I'd say that if you own the house outright and he can't accept you and you no longer have much more than a friendship, ask him to leave. If YOU prefer to have him around for whatever reason, it's then YOUR decision to let him stay. It sounds like you wanted a bit of a no strings relationship with the men in your life and now you are wound up in lots of string. If all of this is causing YOU stress, than end the stress and find another (or others) who will appreciate you as you are. All long term relationships of any sort breed stress and strife from time to time. Those of us in long term MARRIAGES usually have to learn to adapt and deal with it to avoid the financial, legal, and emotional stress of breaking up. Those of you in what are supposed to be open "no strings" type relationships should not subject yourselves to such stress. If it's working, great. If it's not, it's easy to move on. In your case, if you both had shared ownership of the house (and I once knew someone in this situation) it can be almost as stressful as a divorce. If you own it outright and your "sexual situation" has cooled, why would you keep hitting yourself on the head?

 

[SweetErika]

OK, so it sounds like your partner doesn't want to lose the sex he does have with you, his place to live and everything that goes with it. It doesn't sound like jealousy on your part, it's just that your needs aren't being met and you don't want the drama that comes with the situation, so you'd prefer to set him free to be with the other woman or whatever else he'd like to do with his life. If you're not happy, you should do that, and find a situation that's more suitable for you.

If you want out, I'd suggest ending it now, before he has (more) grounds to sue you for anything he put into the renovations of your home. I'm not how sure your laws work, but in some places there's "common law marriage" and a person like him could potentially sue you for his contributions to greatly improve the home you expected to share together long-term. Thus, you may want to consult with an attorney on how best to sever your romantic and financial relationship.

 

[cgermany]

much appreciated

Thank you for your time and thoughts amofiga and SweetErika. They very much reflect what has been turning around in my mind the last months. I have to convince him that. for me, its over.

 

[SweetErika]

You're more than welcome, and I think you're totally right to trust your intuition!

If you think one of his problems is leaving your home, you could potentially give him like 90 days to find a place of his own and move. He may be especially hesitant to break up right now, with the holidays coming up - lots of people don't like to be alone or make major changes at this time of the year, so you may choose to respect that and end it kind of gradually. Ending your sexual relationship and having separate bedrooms might be a good place to start.

Again, I'd consult with a lawyer on all of this, but if it doesn't make a difference legally and you want to maintain a friendship, you could consider and talk about the easiest way to transition into that and what he needs in terms of time to find his own place (or arrange to move in with the other woman), spending holidays together as platonic friends, emotional support from you, etc.

Best of luck in making a smooth transition and finding what you're looking for in the future!

 

[amofiga]

cgermany

Erika is living up to her name and being "sweet". I can understand her desire to be nice and ease this man out of your life and not upset him over the holidays. She seems like a truly kind and considerate person. One problem is the comment that you and your live in partner have "violent rows". Frankly, I'm not a believer in vilolent rows and if mature people can't address their issue without resorting to violence, than maybe one of them (namely him) has to be gone sooner rather than later. It's hard to assess the personality of someone who is "violent" and I'm not sure if you truly mean violent of just loud verbal arguments. What's to say that in this 90 day grace period he doesn't steal something from you or do damage to the house that's yours but the one he still seems to lay claim to? I was once in the home building business and saw apparently nice people intentionally sabatoge a completed house in order to postpone settlement.

It's all your call, but if this thing is really over between you guys, you need to end it relatively quickly. He seems like a guy who wants his cake and eat it too. You may opt for the gentle departure route, but hopefully this man won't take advantage of you during that grace period.

Seriously, all the best on this. You sound like a nice lady who would make a wonderful partner for somebody who appeciates you. Be careful in ending this relationship.

 

[cgermany]

Thank you once again amofiga and SweetErika
The rows turn loudly verbal whenever I try to explain that I am far from happy in our relationship and wonder if we should no longer co-habitate. He is a have your cake and eat guy but then, I knew that from the start and am not complaining about it now. I do not think he will sabotage or steal during a grace period, but I have tried to be gentle in the past and he just does not believe me. He believes me to be mentally unbalanced about this and has suggested counselling for me- I believe that he is making me mad (angry) and we should not confuse this with a medical condition. He truly believes that we both enrich each others lives and that, some sweet day (after counselling), I will be happy again in our situation.
I believe that some of my discontent may be caused by the menopause hormonal imbalance but am resistant to counselling. I think I can expect more from our /a relationship than comfortable getting along together which is the best we have done in the last year. After visiting a marriage counsellor together, we had a few weeks of 'second honeymoon' which ended abruptly when he fell in love with the other woman, As you say SweetErika I am tired of the drama. If there is drama let it be positive for us both please-

 

[sethp]

I'm with the others. Your needs aren't being met.

 

[SweetErika]

cgermany

Erika is living up to her name and being "sweet". I can understand her desire to be nice and ease this man out of your life and not upset him over the holidays. She seems like a truly kind and considerate person. One problem is the comment that you and your live in partner have "violent rows". Frankly, I'm not a believer in vilolent rows and if mature people can't address their issue without resorting to violence, than maybe one of them (namely him) has to be gone sooner rather than later. It's hard to assess the personality of someone who is "violent" and I'm not sure if you truly mean violent of just loud verbal arguments. What's to say that in this 90 day grace period he doesn't steal something from you or do damage to the house that's yours but the one he still seems to lay claim to? I was once in the home building business and saw apparently nice people intentionally sabatoge a completed house in order to postpone settlement.

It's all your call, but if this thing is really over between you guys, you need to end it relatively quickly. He seems like a guy who wants his cake and eat it too. You may opt for the gentle departure route, but hopefully this man won't take advantage of you during that grace period.

Seriously, all the best on this. You sound like a nice lady who would make a wonderful partner for somebody who appeciates you. Be careful in ending this relationship.

You bring up very valid points, for sure. I would be hesitant to give someone a bunch of time to move out for all of those reasons, and any kind of domestic violence is totally unacceptable, of course.

However, I think it's highly dependent on the people and situation. For instance, a "violent row" for my husband and I would only entail yelling, and I certainly wouldn't hesitate to let him stay through the holidays and take plenty of time to find his new place because I know he wouldn't steal or damage anything in the interim. There's a minute chance he'd go off the deep end and do something that's totally out of character, but I know him well enough to be 99.99% sure he'd behave fine.

Maybe the OP's partner is the same way, or maybe he's not, but she sounds aware enough to make good decisions, so I don't think it's bad for HER to consider the POSSIBILITY of easing the transition and compromising some if she thinks it's the right thing to do for her specific situation.

Even so, I do think it'd be a pretty good idea to put their agreements regarding how long he'll stay, what he'll take with him and what condition he's to leave the home and her stuff in into writing and have it notarized, just in case anything doesn't go according to plan.

 

[amofiga]

You bring up very valid points, for sure. I would be hesitant to give someone a bunch of time to move out for all of those reasons, and any kind of domestic violence is totally unacceptable, of course.

However, I think it's highly dependent on the people and situation. For instance, a "violent row" for my husband and I would only entail yelling, and I certainly wouldn't hesitate to let him stay through the holidays and take plenty of time to find his new place because I know he wouldn't steal or damage anything in the interim. There's a minute chance he'd go off the deep end and do something that's totally out of character, but I know him well enough to be 99.99% sure he'd behave fine.

Maybe the OP's partner is the same way, or maybe he's not, but she sounds aware enough to make good decisions, so I don't think it's bad for HER to consider the POSSIBILITY of easing the transition and compromising some if she thinks it's the right thing to do for her specific situation.

Even so, I do think it'd be a pretty good idea to put their agreements regarding how long he'll stay, what he'll take with him and what condition he's to leave the home and her stuff in into writing and have it notarized, just in case anything doesn't go according to plan.

'nuff said. You are correct that it is indeed the OP's prerogative to act as she wishes and as she perceives the situation. It's impossible to know the reality of the situation from an anonymous post. It's just that I had a friend and co-worker who got royally screwed (and not in the good way) when she broke up with a long term boyfriend with whom she shared ownership of a house. I always try to shy away from judgement because I hate being judged. However, I would always warn people who have no legal "marriage" to be careful how they title real property and/or financial assets. The courts can be don't always seem to follow common sense about how they rule on some things.

Likewise, I would even caution people, especially those entering a second marriage after divorce or widowhood, to have a pre-nuptual agreement to protect themselves and their children. People tell me that it's so 'unromantic' I generally think that most people in this world are honest and loving and would not set out to intentionally cheat someone. However, it's always good to step back and try to view the world with the rose colored glasses off when going into what is an emotional relationship and parties always initially wish and hope for the best.

Good luck to all.