"Maggie"

[Guest]

The prequel to "The Ya Ya Dildohood" posted last night, "Maggie".

It's a very long story (CV) lol.......but hopefully for those of you who don't mind sitting down with several cups of coffee, you'll enjoy reading it.

I think that the character "Maggie" was fun to create, and an interesting challenge for me to develop her personality on the basis of experiences she went through. I'm in hopes that it has given even more depth to the character as she became during the series.

I would appreciate your thoughts/comments on this story if you feel so inclined to do so.

So sit back...pour yourself your favorite drink, kick your shoes off, and hopefully enjoy...."Maggie"

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=75857


Thank you!

I remain,

 

[Guest]

I bookmarked it, but I've a hell of a lot of feedback backlog, so don't hold your breath, man.

I'll read it, eventually.

I'll be honest if it bored the hell out of me.

I remain...

 

[Guest]

CV.......

I wouldn't expect anything less out of you........

Boring? Hope not......... But then again, you're a man not easily entertained. So if you do find it even mildly entertaining, that will be one hell of a compliment coming from you.

And I'll remain.......curious

 

[Guest]

I found Maggie's character not believable at all.

Maggie, a naive 18 yr old girl experience her first ''sexual'' encounter: voyeurism out of some B-movie. She's so naive she doesn't know the meaning of the word ''fuck''. Come on now. Maggie's a working class lass. You yourself let Kathryn use working class language right there and then:

This time Kathryn's look was menacing, every bit as much as the tone of voice that she now used. "I ever catch you so much as looking at that girl, I'll tear your fucking eyes out with my own hands!" She warned him.

It is quite inconsistant with what you've set-up.

Cock-prick-penis thing... I don't buy it.

You've used ''A moment'' ''A moment'' ''Momentariry'' '' particular moment'' in one paragraph.

That's when the first haitus comes in.

In the second part, Maggie asks her daddy what the word ''fuck'' meant. Here you go - an obligatry spanking from daddy for being a filthy mouth. Please...

Second hiatus.

The first two parts read like a kind of 19th century immigrants' tale so I was rather taken back when the set-up was a year later in Texas, 1941.

OK, you are going for WWII angle? Maybe a passionate affair with a soldier or two.

Anyway, in the third part you especially seemed to like the word ''especially''. It's espacially annoying when one repeats the same word again and again and again and again.

I've lost the will to click on the ''next page'' button. I don't think I can take twelve pages more of especialness.

Don't hate me, man.

 

[Guest]

LOL........

Not at all CV...........

Everyone has their opinion and viewpoints. I don't mind the critisism at all......helps me to learn and improve.

And I will......

I remain,

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Thirteen pages! That is a long one. And I wonder if it has to be that long.

I read the first page. You seem to give us an awful lot of information that doesn't seem necessarym and it seems to be a habit. Do we need to know that she weas named after her ghrandparents? That the book she was reading in the barn was given to her for her last birthday? Detail is essential in the scenes we want to be vivid, but too much detail gets suffocating and buries the story so that we don't know what's important and what's not.

I don't know how a girl could grow up on farms and not know the facts of life. Seems very very unlikely to me. I'm willing to suspend disbelief for the sake of the story and believe that she doesn't know the meaning of the word "fuck", but she would ceratinly know the basics of male anatomy and how babies are made, no matter how protected she is.

And is it at all possible that she would not know what she was seeing and still get wet between her legs? I've heard that children who witness people involved in sex assume that they're fighting.

You have a tendency to neglect a lot of commas which makes reading difficult. Check out this excerpt:
-------------------------------
It was during one of these rare periods that his daughter now barely eighteen had witnessed which would be for her, her first sexual encounter that she would remember for the rest of her life. Especially, as it would change her life forever, in ways she could have never imagined that it would.
---------------------------------
The first sentence is especially hard to decipher.

Another excerpt:
---------------------------------
Maggie saw the young girl recognizing her almost immediately. Kathryn as she'd been introduced two days prior when her father had found work. Kathryn as Maggie had learned was engaged to be married from what she'd discovered earlier.
---------------------------------
You need a comma after 'girl', otherwise it reads that Maggie saw that the young girl was recognizing her, Magggie. It may seem like a niggling point, but after a bit it becomes irritating. The second sentence isn't a sentence at all. Sentence fragments don't bother me much, but this one stuck out for some reason. The third sentence needs commas after 'Kathryn' and 'learned'. The 'from what she'd discovered earlier' is redundant, isn't it? Or do I misunderstand?

An editor would pick out these errors, so they're not major.

I'm not familiar with your "Yaya Sisterhood", so I don't know how this fits in, but as a stand-alone piece I found it wordy and not especially erotic. I suppose the good stuff comes later. (I should say that I am a particularly impatient reader. I find reading off a screen in this font very unpleasant, and a story really has to grab me to get me to read past the first screen page.)

I do think that you missed a chance to grab the reader in the sex in the barn scene. Just because she's only a voyeur doesn't mean the sex couldn't have been more exciting.

Anyhow. That's what I thought. Hope this helps


---dr.M.

 

[DarlingNikki]

I found this story a bit confusing to read. On page 1, Maggie is 18. She watches the scene in the barn and tells her father about it, and the next day they leave and hitchhike to Texas. Maggie lives with May until she turns 19. Then on page 2, May asks Maggie how old she is and Maggie says "you know I just turned 18 two weeks ago." Is this some kind of flashback? Because even if they had this conversation the moment Maggie arrived, she still would have turned 18 longer ago than two weeks.

Then there are certain sentances that are just cluttered:

May was an exceptionally attractive woman for as old as she obviously was. Maggie found it odd that she was single, never having been married for as attractive as she was especially at her age.

And what happened in the year that she lived with May? On page one she didn't know what sex is, but on page two, she doesn't wonder what a prostitute is?

How did Maggie know she was infertile? Does a prostitute in the 30's and 40's who probably doesn't want to get pregnant go in for tests?

I really just don't buy how naive Maggie is. Any teenage girl traveling around the country working on random farms would have been subjected to a lot of indecency by men. I don't think it would have taken away from the sexual awakening aspect of the piece if she had known the basics of sex - she still could have been unaware of her own body's capacities for pleasure.

Anyway, I think the story picks up after the first few pages, but I didn't have time to read all the way to the end. I think this would be a really good story with a little editing. I liked the history in the beginning; I think with such a long story there's room for it.

 

[Guest]

By way of clarification.......

Initially I had the character "Maggie" as a much younger woman starting out in the story. Unfortunately, because of that it was rejected. I was erroneously under the assumption that as long as the person wasn't engaging in anything sexual themselves, that it would be permissible to tell a story with her at a much younger age, leading up then to her actual experiences after having turned 18 of course. Unfortunately, I had to go back and do a lot of revision and consolidation in order for Literotica to finally accept the story. I agree, it was a hard pill to swallow that a girl of 18 would be quite so naive. But under the confinement I had to tell the story within, it was virtually impossible to do it any other way. The obvious "error" (not a flashback) was simply an oversight which I didn't correct after having had to go back in and change ages at various points...deleting entire sections because of the age "thingy".

And I don't necessarily disagree with what's been posted here about "Maggie". Some good thoughts and constructive criticisms that are gratefully acknowledged. I still maintain however, for those of you who do feel inclined to read the "entire" story. It will still be found to be entertaining.

A work in progress....as I am.

 

[Guest]

eager suspension of disbelief

Sandman-

Having read the previous posts, I went into Maggie "forewarned", if you will. I think that all of us will concede that the 18 year old thing is tough to get around. With this in mind, I mentally adjusted myself and moved forward into the story.

Perhaps condensing the beginning into her being left with May and her having her first voyeur experience at the boardinghouse, or after school one day would be preferable. Instead of her having travelled around with her father... I agree that she probably would have been molested and sexualized very early in that environment... she lived out in the boondocks with her dad, he got sick and sent her to May.

Boardinghouses are such delightful places to learn all sorts of things. The full sexual education of Maggie, while extraordinary, was very erotic. I was more than willing to suspend disbelief for the read...

This prequel definitely validates Maggie's behaviour in the YaYa Dildohood series.

With a little reworking of the beginning and editing for clarity and usage, this could be your finest yet!

b

 

[DarlingNikki]

I hope I wasn't too harsh. I guess I should have put more in my feedback about how I actually liked the story, rather than focusing so much on those other issues. I liked the plot and thought it was perfectly believable and nicely complex, but not too complex (except for the undue naivete, which I see there's no getting around with the 18 rule). Once the sexual education started, I liked it a lot, and will probably go back to finish it.

 

[BeachLovers4055]

Experienced Eye vs. Amauter Eye

We don't know that much about editing and such, and other than the age difference in page 1 and page 2, we don't fine anything distracting or unbeliveable about the story.

Yes there could have been some better editing of the puncuations, now that they have been pointed out to us, but they did not distract from the story enough to cause us to stop reading it.

We think that The Sandman just got frustrated with the fact that he had to redo his work and in the process he made some hasty errors.

As to ChilledVodka and Dr_Mabeuse, , this is not a peice of work submitted for the Nobel Peace Prize, it is only done for our enjoyment and erotic pleasure. The fate of the world does not rely on if Sandman puts in the right # of Comma's and Period's.

We think you guys are taking this way to seriously, yes constructive Critisism is good for a Writer, but lets not nitpick the his work to death so that other may not enjoy it based on your opinions....OK?


We Remain_______fateful readers,
The BeachLovers

 

[DarlingNikki]

Re: Experienced Eye vs. Amauter Eye

As to ChilledVodka and Dr_Mabeuse, , this is not a peice of work submitted for the Nobel Peace Prize, it is only done for our enjoyment and erotic pleasure. The fate of the world does not rely on if Sandman puts in the right # of Comma's and Period's.

We think you guys are taking this way to seriously, yes constructive Critisism is good for a Writer, but lets not nitpick the his work to death so that other may not enjoy it based on your opinions....OK?


We Remain_______fateful readers,
The BeachLovers

Why wouldn't anyone want his or her work to be as perfect as possible? "Nitpicking" should hopefully serve to improve the next piece. No one has to read the feedback forum if critques ruin the story for them.

What is a fateful reader?

 

[BeachLovers4055]

What is a Fateful Reader?

DarlingNikki, A Fateful Reader is a mis-spelling, I told you guys in my reply that I don't know much about editing, that is why I married my wife....lol

It should read....." We Remain________Faithful Readers".

As for the "critques" of others, I sometime check the message board to see what others have to say about stories, as I do not have the time to peruse through every story to find the ones that interest me. So if I see one that has been "nit-picked" to death as this one has, I may not read what might have been a good story. Also some of what was said here about this story was not "critques" it was plain ol' Nit-picking and mudslinging.

Example:.....

Quote from: Dr_Mabeuse,
"Thirteen pages! That is a long one. And I wonder if it has to be that long". .....and...."I'm not familiar with your "Yaya Sisterhood", so I don't know how this fits in, but as a stand-alone piece I found it wordy and not especially erotic. I suppose the good stuff comes later. (I should say that I am a particularly impatient reader. I find reading off a screen in this font very unpleasant, and a story really has to grab me to get me to read past the first screen page.)

I do think that you missed a chance to grab the reader in the sex in the barn scene. Just because she's only a voyeur doesn't mean the sex couldn't have been more exciting. "

.........
It is obvious that he/she didn't even read the whole story, he/she is to "Impatient" for that, nor does he/she take the time to check out the Ya-Ya stories to get reference.

Well we are firm belivers in the saying....
"The largest Erogenous Zone in the human body is the Brain".

That being said the whole point in Erotica is to stimulate the Brain, and if you don't use your brain to paint the picture as you want to see it, and use the text that someone has provided only as a Canvas and Palate. Then you have missed out on some of the most Erotic times of your life.

Forever with a reply, and to read the whole story.
The BeachLovers