M/s in the real world?

[M_SNashCouple]

How do we bring the relationship into "real life"? This started as a "bedroom only" M/s relationship but lately we've been talking about branching it off into everyday life (the commands, nothing sexual). And how difficult is that when both work outside the home? And if there are children involved, how do we keep it on the down low?

I'm interested in possibly evolving this into a domestic discipline relationship. It's something I crave because I'm a HUGE procrastinator, especially if it's something I don't like to do. I like the idea of having to do something or be punished, I think that's motivation for me. But what sorts of things can be brought into the light of day, so to speak?

~JJ

 

[Lord_Steve]

How do we bring the relationship into "real life"? This started as a "bedroom only" M/s relationship but lately we've been talking about branching it off into everyday life (the commands, nothing sexual). And how difficult is that when both work outside the home? And if there are children involved, how do we keep it on the down low?

I'm interested in possibly evolving this into a domestic discipline relationship. It's something I crave because I'm a HUGE procrastinator, especially if it's something I don't like to do. I like the idea of having to do something or be punished, I think that's motivation for me. But what sorts of things can be brought into the light of day, so to speak?

~JJ

it sounds like you might be conflating your sexual experiences with your real life in a way that could be unhealthy. "i have trouble getting motivated" is not a great justification for handing over your agency to another person. especially if there are kids and careers to consider!

i'm not trying to shit on your dreams because i kind of understand where you're coming from. have you considered therapy and/or medication for your procrastination? i have terrible time management skills, and have found the pomodoro technique and NowDoThis to be helpful.

 

[M_SNashCouple]

I don't think I articulated it well because that's not what I meant at all.

But thanks for the advice.

 

[Lord_Steve]

I don't think I articulated it well because that's not what I meant at all.

But thanks for the advice.

okay, what did you mean?

 

[M_SNashCouple]

okay, what did you mean?

The kids and careers are irrelevant as my Husband isn't going to risk that at all. Most of our marriage, I've been dominant outside the bedroom. The decision maker and the task master. And I hated it. So, in bringing the M/s dynamic we have in the bedroom into the "real world", it's take a lot of stress off me. Because I'm not a task master or a decision maker by nature. It's up to Him now to decide what gets done that day and my chores. And I like it.

This post was mostly to connect with people who live 24/7 or nearly 24/7 as opposed to bedroom only.

~JJ

 

[Lord_Steve]

i remind you that you were the one who mentioned your children and jobs as possible areas of concern! if you have been responsible for your decisions and (presumably) finances up to this point, why do you think that your husband is going to do a better job of managing things without your input?

perhaps, instead of committing to a M/s dynamic, you should ask your husband to take on an equal share of your responsibilities.

 

[M_SNashCouple]

i remind you that you were the one who mentioned your children and jobs as possible areas of concern! if you have been responsible for your decisions and (presumably) finances up to this point, why do you think that your husband is going to do a better job of managing things without your input?

perhaps, instead of committing to a M/s dynamic, you should ask your husband to take on an equal share of your responsibilities.

I brought the children and careers up in the context of balance, not because I was afraid my Husband would force anything.

And we are committing to it because we want to. Period. If you have nothing else to contribute other than criticism then please stop replying.

 

[desertslave]

We are 24/7. Master is the final arbiter of household decisions. If he chooses to delegate, tag, I'm it. We do a lot of things together, and there are things that I just take care of in synch with my own housekeeping rhythm (laundry on Sundays, loading the dishwasher when I make coffee in the morning, etc). He has made me responsible for keeping track of appointments (I'm the techie) and a wide variety of personal information. I try to plan menus and shopping, but we're somewhat fluid if events side-track us. He keeps track of car maintenance and finances and helps me with the cleaning that I'm too gimpy to do myself.

I am, at all times, answerable to him. We don't do "punishment" in the usual sense, but there are consequences if I fail to perform as required.

 

[M_SNashCouple]

We are 24/7. Master is the final arbiter of household decisions. If he chooses to delegate, tag, I'm it. We do a lot of things together, and there are things that I just take care of in synch with my own housekeeping rhythm (laundry on Sundays, loading the dishwasher when I make coffee in the morning, etc). He has made me responsible for keeping track of appointments (I'm the techie) and a wide variety of personal information. I try to plan menus and shopping, but we're somewhat fluid if events side-track us. He keeps track of car maintenance and finances and helps me with the cleaning that I'm too gimpy to do myself.

I am, at all times, answerable to him. We don't do "punishment" in the usual sense, but there are consequences if I fail to perform as required.

Thank you for responding! I was losing hope that I would find anyon here who I could talk to about this. So, how do you balance the "vanilla" aspects of life with 24/7? We both work outside the home and have an elementary aged child.

 

[Lord_Steve]

I brought the children and careers up in the context of balance, not because I was afraid my Husband would force anything.

And we are committing to it because we want to. Period. If you have nothing else to contribute other than criticism then please stop replying.

it is clear that you are determined to disregard any advice that doesn't coincide with your decisions, but i will say nothing more than I Told You So and leave it at that. i wish you, sincerely, the best of luck.

 

[SpunThings]

i remind you that you were the one who mentioned your children and jobs as possible areas of concern! if you have been responsible for your decisions and (presumably) finances up to this point, why do you think that your husband is going to do a better job of managing things without your input?

perhaps, instead of committing to a M/s dynamic, you should ask your husband to take on an equal share of your responsibilities.

It's not always a matter of who does it better. It's a matter of who wants that responsibility. If they want an unbalanced relationship as far as who is in charge, why should it matter to you?

 

[desertslave]

Thank you for responding! I was losing hope that I would find anyon here who I could talk to about this. So, how do you balance the "vanilla" aspects of life with 24/7? We both work outside the home and have an elementary aged child.

A lot of the vanilla stuff is just life that would happen regardless of our dynamic. Work expectations take priority while at work. When I did work outside, I basically switched hats (and mindset) when I came through the door. I'm a work-from-home artist, now, and Master does help me stay on track when I drift. (He is retired, no fair!)

We are a blended family, in that Master is step-father to my two kids. From the start we agreed that, because I had the responsibility to my ex as their father, most of the day-to-day parenting responsibilities were on me. The only time he's really stepped in was when he realized I was becoming the 'mom-taxi' for kids and friends entirely too often. With his guidance, I became better at saying no and laying down rules for their (and my) social lives. We've had some push and pull, but for the most part he has been supportive of my decisions. We've both helped with homework, according to our skills.

The one big question that came up fairly early was why I would hesitate, sometimes, and tell one or the other munchkin that I had to check with Master first about something. I explained that he was the "chief decider" and would be disappointed if I didn't check with him about a big decision, because we decide those things together (also great for a stalling tactic ).

The one other instance in which we've experienced a disconnect of vanilla vs. D/s is in dealing with friends. I'm involved in a few different social-ish groups (with Master's blessings), and he requires me to stay in touch if my plans change after I leave. I will usually tell him I'll be doing XYZ somewhere for a specified time, and he just wants to know if plans change. For example, we do something in the morning and then go out for lunch. I call to ask for permission to change plans. I've gotten a raised eyebrow from my more 'liberated' friends, and have simply said that a) I need to verify that our finances are solid enough to pay for lunch and b) we feel it's a courtesy thing. I've been labeled "old-fashioned" and that's fine with me.

 

[M_SNashCouple]

A lot of the vanilla stuff is just life that would happen regardless of our dynamic. Work expectations take priority while at work. When I did work outside, I basically switched hats (and mindset) when I came through the door. I'm a work-from-home artist, now, and Master does help me stay on track when I drift. (He is retired, no fair!)

We are a blended family, in that Master is step-father to my two kids. From the start we agreed that, because I had the responsibility to my ex as their father, most of the day-to-day parenting responsibilities were on me. The only time he's really stepped in was when he realized I was becoming the 'mom-taxi' for kids and friends entirely too often. With his guidance, I became better at saying no and laying down rules for their (and my) social lives. We've had some push and pull, but for the most part he has been supportive of my decisions. We've both helped with homework, according to our skills.

The one big question that came up fairly early was why I would hesitate, sometimes, and tell one or the other munchkin that I had to check with Master first about something. I explained that he was the "chief decider" and would be disappointed if I didn't check with him about a big decision, because we decide those things together (also great for a stalling tactic ).

The one other instance in which we've experienced a disconnect of vanilla vs. D/s is in dealing with friends. I'm involved in a few different social-ish groups (with Master's blessings), and he requires me to stay in touch if my plans change after I leave. I will usually tell him I'll be doing XYZ somewhere for a specified time, and he just wants to know if plans change. For example, we do something in the morning and then go out for lunch. I call to ask for permission to change plans. I've gotten a raised eyebrow from my more 'liberated' friends, and have simply said that a) I need to verify that our finances are solid enough to pay for lunch and b) we feel it's a courtesy thing. I've been labeled "old-fashioned" and that's fine with me.

Thank you for replying! I was beginning to lose hope of finding anyone here to talk about it (especially without trying to tell me I'm wrong). You gave me a lot of insight into balancing it all. And about checking with my Husband, I realized I've always done that anyway because it was respectful lol and yes, people gave me looks too. I'm going to bed now, do you mind if I PM you about this sometime?

~JJ

 

[desertslave]

Thank you for replying! I was beginning to lose hope of finding anyone here to talk about it (especially without trying to tell me I'm wrong). You gave me a lot of insight into balancing it all. And about checking with my Husband, I realized I've always done that anyway because it was respectful lol and yes, people gave me looks too. I'm going to bed now, do you mind if I PM you about this sometime?

~JJ

You're welcome to PM.

 

[SeawitchSlave]

I'm in a TPE relationship; I live with my Owner. While he may not act on his rank, so to speak, the distinction is there and he will often make sure that I remember it well when we are together intimately. Generally our dynamic is expressed outside of the bedroom by way of me either wearing a collar or when that is not appropriate, a small aluminium ring with 'owned' on it. That suffices.

Generally example duties that he can order me to do are;
- making the coffee in the morning
- bringing him breakfast
- food errands to the shops
- braiding his hair
- tidying up
Some of those can be considered normal household tasks, but it gains a different flavour to it when one is ordered to do them.

 

[CutieMouse]

When I was married, we had an unrecognized D/s relationship, in that he expected to make all the decisions and have the final say, and I was caught up in the concept of the duty/role of a wife being to "submit to her husband", but there was no kinky sex, no spankings, no reward/punishment dynamic.

It caused a lot of stress, in part because he felt entitled to the benefits of "being in charge", but wasn't concerned with the consequences of his decisions. Eventually, I ended up taking over responsibilities in areas I was better equipped (bills, budgets, etc), and it caused a lot of resentment on both sides. On his side because A) he felt "emasculated" and B) as the primary breadwinner (I was a full time mother), he felt his opinion of how money should be spent was more important than mine.

[We did eventually divorce. ]

As I have gotten more distance from the marriage, and as the Short Humans have gotten older, I have concluded that having such a [dysfunctional] "traditional" marriage was not in their best interest. They saw a woman who gave into their father, and a father who minimized their mother - all in the name of a "wives submit to your husbands" approach to marriage.

Yes, it's perfectly lovely to have a "head of household", 50s style D/s marriage. However, I would be careful to avoid using it as an excuse to be lazy in the relationship. D/s doesn't mean he gets whatever he wants (my wants/needs come before hers), or that she can dump her responsibilities on him (I know I'm supposed to do XYZ, but it's his job to keep me in line).

What is your ultimate goal here? When each of you individually say you want a D/s relationship (outside the bedroom), what does that look like? How much overlap is there in your descriptors/examples? Are your views realistic? What happens if/when you decide that the definitions don't fit? Does it matter if you do the D/s stuff differently than how you expected it to happen? How and in what ways will the s-type maintain authority and autonomy (when necessary)? How will the D-type prevent his power from going to his head (and how will you both deal with it when it does)?

 

[Lord_Steve]

When I was married, we had an unrecognized D/s relationship, in that he expected to make all the decisions and have the final say, and I was caught up in the concept of the duty/role of a wife being to "submit to her husband", but there was no kinky sex, no spankings, no reward/punishment dynamic.

It caused a lot of stress, in part because he felt entitled to the benefits of "being in charge", but wasn't concerned with the consequences of his decisions. Eventually, I ended up taking over responsibilities in areas I was better equipped (bills, budgets, etc), and it caused a lot of resentment on both sides. On his side because A) he felt "emasculated" and B) as the primary breadwinner (I was a full time mother), he felt his opinion of how money should be spent was more important than mine.

[We did eventually divorce. ]

As I have gotten more distance from the marriage, and as the Short Humans have gotten older, I have concluded that having such a [dysfunctional] "traditional" marriage was not in their best interest. They saw a woman who gave into their father, and a father who minimized their mother - all in the name of a "wives submit to your husbands" approach to marriage.

Yes, it's perfectly lovely to have a "head of household", 50s style D/s marriage. However, I would be careful to avoid using it as an excuse to be lazy in the relationship. D/s doesn't mean he gets whatever he wants (my wants/needs come before hers), or that she can dump her responsibilities on him (I know I'm supposed to do XYZ, but it's his job to keep me in line).

What is your ultimate goal here? When each of you individually say you want a D/s relationship (outside the bedroom), what does that look like? How much overlap is there in your descriptors/examples? Are your views realistic? What happens if/when you decide that the definitions don't fit? Does it matter if you do the D/s stuff differently than how you expected it to happen? How and in what ways will the s-type maintain authority and autonomy (when necessary)? How will the D-type prevent his power from going to his head (and how will you both deal with it when it does)?

i u, cutiemouse

 

[SlutAddicted]

The kids and careers are irrelevant as my Husband isn't going to risk that at all. Most of our marriage, I've been dominant outside the bedroom. The decision maker and the task master. And I hated it. So, in bringing the M/s dynamic we have in the bedroom into the "real world", it's take a lot of stress off me. Because I'm not a task master or a decision maker by nature. It's up to Him now to decide what gets done that day and my chores. And I like it.

This post was mostly to connect with people who live 24/7 or nearly 24/7 as opposed to bedroom only.

~JJ

I am curious as to how you came to be the primary decision maker and task master outside of the bedroom. What I am trying to get at is the nature of your respective personalities and whether he will be good in the role and/or whether you will be able to cede the role. Clearly you want to give up that responsibility and I understand that desire. But will you be able to when it seems like he isn't doing it right? Will he be good in the role and/or will it put undue strain on him?

Personally I think there is a lot to be said for some clear delineation of roles but it must come with some basic parameters about respecting the other person's performance in their designated role. It is a certainty that he will not do things the way you would have. When that happens you need to not only say nothing (not one single word or eye roll - not one) and support his decision even in the face of outside judgment. And if you fail to do so expect punishment. At that point it isn't a gender equality issue - you have asked for and accepted the subordinate role and he cannot play his role without the necessary enforcement authority.

Likewise does he have the capacity and desire to take on this responsibility? You are asking him take on decisions previously made by you. And as you know making those decisions is no great privilege - it is a burden.

I've worked in business for many years. One of the disconnects is people doing the manual work believe that those making the decisions don't do anything......as if I just sit in my office pulling random solutions out of a hat between golf games. Without exception people who grow into roles of greater responsibility comment on how exhausting it is to try to keep everyone happy and do the right thing. And at some point they ask me "how do you know you are doing the right thing?" Bing, the light goes on. I don't know I am doing the right thing. I do everything I can to make the right decision and support the best outcome but I don't have certainty and that goes home with me every night. Suddenly doing even difficult tasks but knowing you succeed when you are done and that it is someone else's problem if it was the wrong task looks awfully appealing. Working a rigorous 8 hour day starts to look a lot better than contemplating the merits of your decisions with every waking moment. I go build things in the garage - manual labour that my staff complain about - because it is a relaxing refuge from making all the decisions.

That is a digression.......but I was building to this. What will you give him to take that responsibility off of your hands? Can you obey when he tells you to go wash the dishes while he takes a nap and understand that you are both playing the roles designated and agreed? Can you internalize the fact that he does many other things and that nap comes with the burden of leadership? It isn't even a perk. It is a small equalizing step.

I'll go one step further. The 1950's weren't unequal in the sense that women did more of the work. They were unequal because women were limited to only the one role and not permitted to aspire to the then male role. And the role the women played was often disrespected. But the men weren't working less hard or providing less value to the household. Well maybe some were because they could hide behind gender assumptions but you know what I am getting at.